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Original poster

Due to give birth tomorrow and dp has said ...

317 replies

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 19:50

That he has no money!

To not drip feed, dp started up his own business beginning of this year. I don't want to talk bad about him but I expressed my concerns on leaving a stable job to pursue independent work (with no savings to back him) when he knew I was pregnant. Of course I was called unsupportive and pessimistic for saying this and after a lot of arguments I realised he was never going to see reason.

Lone behold dp left his job and started up his own. It was okay for a short while but very quickly the work dried up with not enough reliable cliental to see him through the winter. This meant us solely surviving off my money (I worked part time and earned very little). This put me in financial predicaments but I felt like I couldn't complain because dp was already feeling stressed and like a "failure" for the lack of work.

Now coming up to the due date dp took on a massive job. It was meant to cover his paternity leave as we knew I was going to have an ELC and with an already small DC it would need all hands on deck for the first couple of weeks. It was all looking great, until it wasn't. He started falling behind on this job, issues arise, money goes scarce. Now he is in a situation where he genuinely can not afford to finish the job (think labour based) as he needs more materials/tools. The client doesn't know this and is wondering why the job isnt getting done.

I keep asking dp, who is being very overtly down and sensitive about this all, what is going on. When it came to talking figures on how much he needed to finish the job it went from oh a couple hundred, to when I finally pinned him to down to work out the numbers rather than guess, much over a grand! As a saving grace dp managed to secure another job in the meantime which was meant to save us and fill his pockets to complete this job, however now he has just told me that actually most of this money is going towards outstanding invoices/loans he has, meaning effectively the money is out before it comes in!

This basically means he won't have any money, I get very little which I've nearly used up to cover our living expenses and bills, and my head is swimming. I'm meant to be giving birth tomorrow and I don't even know what to do. It's bad enough with the nerves/anxiety having to get my head around the ELC but now adding this to the picture I'm struggling to not have a full blown panic attack. Dp has gone into feeling sorry for himself mode, so there will be no talking to him there and if I do I must tread lightly otherwise I risk him shutting down completely.

He plans to try and finish off the job throughout the next month, once he communicates to the client about the financial delay and hopes that the client can cover the cost. In the meantime this means I'll be home alone, after major op, with two under 5. I have support for the first week from my dparents and then that's it. Dp knew this and I kept stressing to him that if his work was to go over time to try and only have it extend for another week. Every time I spoke to him it was a "yes I'm nearly finished" "not long now" "I've just got to x y z" and yet here we are.

What do I do?! I feel like having a breakdown!!!!!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 02/03/2025 23:10

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 20:08

@sageGreen81 I agree. However he refuses to accept this and his family back him. Don't get me wrong, I know if the job was to take off he would earn more than he could working for someone else. However that is a long while off and in the meantime we are struggling. And again, I feel he is completely out of order and selfish for the timing. His counter arguement to this was that there "is never a right timing" which sure, can be true. But surely when you know you are expecting another child it's just the worst timing possible?! Sometimes talking to dp is head banging because there is just no getting through to him and it does not help that his parents always refuse to acknowledge his mistakes and instead will say things like "but he has good intentions and he is doing this for your family"

Sadly, good intentions don't pay the bills

There's nothing you can do right now except calm yourself and prepare for your baby

Can your parents come for longer than a week?

Get yourself well again after the section then start planning.

You really would be better off without him

suburberphobe · 02/03/2025 23:03

Just to say, I thrived once I left him.

Me too. Such a breath of fresh air not to be weighed down by an albatross around your neck.

Swirlingceilings · 02/03/2025 23:01

P.s. my DP started a busibsss whilst I was pregnant but did it on top of his job. We tried lowering his hours but things didn’t take off so he’s gone back to full time and reworked things and the business is now picking up. At no point was he going to fail to provide for us as a family and reducing his hours at work was a mutual decision we both agreed on to give his business a shot. Your husband is selfish.

MrsCarson · 02/03/2025 23:01

Kick him. out you are on your own and he's a weight around your neck. He will bleed you dry and you don't have anything to give.
Go on Entitled too and see if you can afford to live where you are with the baby on your own. If not you'll need to move somewhere closer to your family or in with family for support. He's useless.

Namenamchange · 02/03/2025 23:00

Op i’m so sorry this has happened, something similar happened to me, just before I was due, I’m convinced I was so stressed I as unable to go into labour naturally.

My advice to you would be, just forget about it for now. There is nothing you can do. Let him and his family sort it out, and what ever repercussions that brings. If dh is a sulker like mine was, he’ll only communicate with you, when he deems it’s time or when he feels you aren’t being sympathetic enough towards him.

I stayed with mine for another 5 years, we ended up borrowing the money, which meant debt, which I’m still in some ways paying off. But I’m more cross with myself that I stayed, and wasted more of my life.

Looking back, it was never really about the money, but the lack of emotional maturity, honestly and communication that killed the relationship.

Just to say, I thrived once I left him.

suburberphobe · 02/03/2025 23:00

this is not working, there are 2 children to look after, feed, clothe etc.

3 actually, from tomorrow.

God OP, really feel for you right now. I had an awful time right after birth due to my husband's fuck-ups. It's a long time ago now and we came out of it fighting and fine - my son and I. I left the useless husband.

Just lean on anyone you have rallying to your side. You sound like an amazing and strong woman. All the best for tomorrow and the future.

Swirlingceilings · 02/03/2025 22:58

Tell him if he isn’t contributing financially or physically (by being present and not out at work) after the baby is born that he will have to leave. The claim universal credit and you will be better off than at present. You can tell him that and that he needs to go to his parents so you can claim and financially support the family since he can’t or won’t.

MotherJessAndKittens · 02/03/2025 22:48

Ask him to go to his parents. See if your parents can stay with you for the first week or two to help and look after older DC then with their help lay it on the line - this is not working, there are 2 children to look after, feed, clothe etc. He needs to get a paying job ASAP or you will arrange things on your own - apply for help, UC or any other benefits as a single parent etc. He sounds like he is lining in LaLa land!

Emonade · 02/03/2025 22:32

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 19:50

That he has no money!

To not drip feed, dp started up his own business beginning of this year. I don't want to talk bad about him but I expressed my concerns on leaving a stable job to pursue independent work (with no savings to back him) when he knew I was pregnant. Of course I was called unsupportive and pessimistic for saying this and after a lot of arguments I realised he was never going to see reason.

Lone behold dp left his job and started up his own. It was okay for a short while but very quickly the work dried up with not enough reliable cliental to see him through the winter. This meant us solely surviving off my money (I worked part time and earned very little). This put me in financial predicaments but I felt like I couldn't complain because dp was already feeling stressed and like a "failure" for the lack of work.

Now coming up to the due date dp took on a massive job. It was meant to cover his paternity leave as we knew I was going to have an ELC and with an already small DC it would need all hands on deck for the first couple of weeks. It was all looking great, until it wasn't. He started falling behind on this job, issues arise, money goes scarce. Now he is in a situation where he genuinely can not afford to finish the job (think labour based) as he needs more materials/tools. The client doesn't know this and is wondering why the job isnt getting done.

I keep asking dp, who is being very overtly down and sensitive about this all, what is going on. When it came to talking figures on how much he needed to finish the job it went from oh a couple hundred, to when I finally pinned him to down to work out the numbers rather than guess, much over a grand! As a saving grace dp managed to secure another job in the meantime which was meant to save us and fill his pockets to complete this job, however now he has just told me that actually most of this money is going towards outstanding invoices/loans he has, meaning effectively the money is out before it comes in!

This basically means he won't have any money, I get very little which I've nearly used up to cover our living expenses and bills, and my head is swimming. I'm meant to be giving birth tomorrow and I don't even know what to do. It's bad enough with the nerves/anxiety having to get my head around the ELC but now adding this to the picture I'm struggling to not have a full blown panic attack. Dp has gone into feeling sorry for himself mode, so there will be no talking to him there and if I do I must tread lightly otherwise I risk him shutting down completely.

He plans to try and finish off the job throughout the next month, once he communicates to the client about the financial delay and hopes that the client can cover the cost. In the meantime this means I'll be home alone, after major op, with two under 5. I have support for the first week from my dparents and then that's it. Dp knew this and I kept stressing to him that if his work was to go over time to try and only have it extend for another week. Every time I spoke to him it was a "yes I'm nearly finished" "not long now" "I've just got to x y z" and yet here we are.

What do I do?! I feel like having a breakdown!!!!!

Just practically have you applied for maternity allowance? I got about £700 a month and it helped a lot

TinyMouseTheatre · 02/03/2025 22:29

I hope tomorrow goes smoothly. Try to concentrate on you and your new LO for a few days then decide what you're going to do Flowers

Lilactimes · 02/03/2025 22:26

Hi @Onedayaway Hope you can try and focus on you and the new baby 😀 and get through the next couple of days and then you’ll have your parents around to help… that’s all good 🙏
if your H is a rubbish business man - is he also a rubbish actual tradesman? Assuming not as he seems to be picking up work - then he needs to get a job back with a company. Near me at least, it feels like craftsmen/ builders of all types are like gold dust. I’m sure he will be able to earn enough - but many builders in my experience are shit at the planning and the money… just good at their trade.
Right now - don’t think about future/ him / or anything beyond tomorrow and your parents coming to help. Then tell him to go and get a job once you’re back home. Good luck tomorrow xx

Holdonforsummer · 02/03/2025 22:07

he doesn’t sound like the kind of person who can cope with running his own business: for a start, no one should start a new business with no cash behind them, especially someone with two small children to think about and pay for. He needs to go back to steady employment, for everyone’s sake. I even feel sorry for his clients. Good luck tomorrow.

PassingStranger · 02/03/2025 22:06

MumWifeOther · 02/03/2025 20:24

Everyone on mumsnet is always so quick to tell people to leave, when the reality is usually always that it’s not that simple.

Im really sorry you’re going through this. The reality is your dh is in over his head and has ballsed this up massively, but it wasn’t his intention and I’m sure his heart was in the right place. Couples go through financial difficulties and rough patches, and mistakes are often made.. I know he probably doesn’t deserve it, but he does need your support. Please speak to extended family and explain your situation. Ask for help, even if it’s just emotional support. Don’t try and face this alone.

You need to put your energy into tomorrow and then both come up with a plan on how to tackle this. Being on your own with baby + young child will be difficult, but not impossible and you will find strength you didn’t know you had when faced with this sort of issue. If you cant tell, I’ve been here and it’s not easy, but it’s also not the time to pack up and leave. Two heads are better than one and keeping your family fed and keeping your home is now the priority.

Best of luck for tomorrow and going forwards ❤️

In sickness and health, for better or for worse.

RedToothBrush · 02/03/2025 22:02

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 20:10

@TinyMouseTheatre last time we had an disagreement his parents got involved and things blew up. It was very ugly and I don't want DC to witness anything like that. Also I just don't think I have the mental strength to oppose 3 against 1.

Kick him out.

Then call the police if they turn up. Seriously.

Thats just yet another sign of the manchild he is. He can't even have an argument without dragging his parents in for him.

Wtafdidido · 02/03/2025 22:01

Have you applied for U overall credit? If not do so asap. Your husband will have to suck up whatever they ask him to do.

RedToothBrush · 02/03/2025 22:00

He has had 9 months to get his act together.

Instead he's buried his head in the sand. He's demonstrated how irresponsible he is. Worse still he's decided to dump all this on you the day before you give birth. Thats monumentally selfish.

He expects you to take on the responsibility and bail you both out, whilst caring for a newborn.

He's a cocklodger. He's got you upduffed and trapped, so he thinks you'll take on caring for you because he won't sort his shit out.

You'll be better off without him - one less mouth to feed.

SeeHistory · 02/03/2025 21:58

MumWifeOther · 02/03/2025 20:24

Everyone on mumsnet is always so quick to tell people to leave, when the reality is usually always that it’s not that simple.

Im really sorry you’re going through this. The reality is your dh is in over his head and has ballsed this up massively, but it wasn’t his intention and I’m sure his heart was in the right place. Couples go through financial difficulties and rough patches, and mistakes are often made.. I know he probably doesn’t deserve it, but he does need your support. Please speak to extended family and explain your situation. Ask for help, even if it’s just emotional support. Don’t try and face this alone.

You need to put your energy into tomorrow and then both come up with a plan on how to tackle this. Being on your own with baby + young child will be difficult, but not impossible and you will find strength you didn’t know you had when faced with this sort of issue. If you cant tell, I’ve been here and it’s not easy, but it’s also not the time to pack up and leave. Two heads are better than one and keeping your family fed and keeping your home is now the priority.

Best of luck for tomorrow and going forwards ❤️

mistakes are often made.. I know he probably doesn’t deserve it, but he does need your support.

No. OP is about to have a baby tomorrow. She does not have to support this man right now.

autisticbookworm · 02/03/2025 21:57

I would struggle to forgive this. Not only did he do this against your wishes now instead of apologising profusely he's sulking and you the person about to give birth to his child is tip toeing around him. I'd tell him to sort himself out and step up or fuck off. While ever you pander to his behaviour he will continue it. He's not paying his way anyway you might as well have one less mouth to feed

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 02/03/2025 21:54

He’s a shit business man…..he’s a shit partner ….let his parents bail him out….if they think he’s so full of Good intentions in their eyes, then they need to help him out don’t they !!! Gggrrrr…..fucking men like this give me the rage..
Good luck tomorrow sweetheart…..all will be well…xx

Survivingnotthriving24 · 02/03/2025 21:49

I'd be demanding he asks his parents to lend him the money to finish this job, and he gets a full time job immediately or else he can leave. There would be no sulking or accusations of being unsupportive, he had his chance and made a mess of it.

Odin2018 · 02/03/2025 21:49

I really feel for you. You must be feeling so sick about this, with a baby about to drop and 2 little ones to take care of.

Firstly, please try to stay calm (easy for me to say I know). Life will go on and the kids will be fine as they have 2 sets of grandparents who, hopefully, if the worse comes to the worse will help you out for a bit, financially or otherwise.

Make sure you look after yourself as you are a beautiful, loving, caring mother who has been dealt a husband who is, as we can see, very selfish and self absorbed in his own world, putting himself first above his wife and 2 (3) children.
He should be supporting you and not the other way round and put you on a guilt trip.You have to keep all your strength, physical and mental, for yourself and your children.

He is your husband and it comes across that although he is a bit of a selfish prick you still love him. That's when it the hardest - when you still love him. Loving someone doesn't mean stifling your own hopes, dreams and worries. I am so sorry but you must be feeling quite weak and vulnerable at this moment but you have to find some strength to tell DH as it is. You no longer have the luxury of being nice, kind and supportive. This is crunch time. He may feel a failure but he has to shake that off and go find a stable job to support his family and not this in and out of jobs malarky. Fine if you don't have kids and can live off bake beans and bread for a year but not with a wife and kids to support.

Not sure how close you are to your mum, if you can confide in her, and if you can it will take a weight of your shoulders as you are not alone in all this.

You must put yourself and your children first. You don't need an adult child to be soothing as well.

justasking111 · 02/03/2025 21:42

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 20:10

@TinyMouseTheatre last time we had an disagreement his parents got involved and things blew up. It was very ugly and I don't want DC to witness anything like that. Also I just don't think I have the mental strength to oppose 3 against 1.

If his parents think he's so bloody marvellous they can give him the money to support you all every month

mathanxiety · 02/03/2025 21:41

And also, @MumWifeOther, he has created chaos in the home or business of the client he failed to budget properly for, and in the second job he had.

C152 · 02/03/2025 21:30

He needs to get another employed job, OP. Work in a supermarket, stack shelves at night, become a carer; he needs to take whatever's offered to bring the money in. If he won't do this, you need a plan of what you will do. Because you know how this is going to end, don't you? He will refuse to get a job, you will end up going back to work after a month's maternity leave because you need to feed your children and you'll all be scraping by on your part time salary.

Can you stay with your parents for a couple of weeks after the baby is born?

Good luck for tomorrow, OP. x

EdithBond · 02/03/2025 21:26

I don’t think I could forgive this.

Your DP must be there for his DC, you and the baby. It’s his responsibility. He needs to stop wallowing and make amends for refusing to listen to you about giving up his job while you were pregnant. He needs to speak to his client about money for materials and a later schedule (after at least 2 weeks paternity leave) to finish the job, to his bank to sort a business loan/overdraft and/or to the mortgage company/landlord and arrange a delayed payment and he needs to apply for UC. Or ask his supportive parents to bail him out.

If he doesn’t step up, could your parents extend their support? If they work and live a distance away, do you have any siblings or old friends near their place? If so, could you take your preschooler and the baby to stay at your parents and have someone else popping in to help in the day? At least your parents could make you dinner, see to laundry, housework etc.

Good luck tomorrow ❤️