Due to give birth tomorrow and dp has said ...

wishing you all the best with your operation and delivery today OP

Ah op, that's so much to take on. I hope you're able to set this aside for now and focus on yourself and the safe arrival of your wee bub! Hoping everything goes smoothly for you.

I think when you're ready to face this again, to avoid him sweeping this under the carpet, i would be having some conversations about what it means to actually be a team and what that looks like- ie: complete transparency between you, coming to each other straight away when you need advice/help/ think you've made a mistake, dealing with problems in house (no more involving mum and dad) and sitting down at the end of each month and going through bills and income together as a pair.

I think you need to be really clear that this is the minimum of what you expect and this is the new norm to avoid this situation arising again and you being blindsided. If he breeches that trust again you're gone and it will be on him. It sounds like he's got the gift of the gab op so you need to set very clear boundaries he can't wiggle out of or explain away.

OP is not married, there is no good reason for her and her parents to invest in supporting his failing business, of which they would have no ownership of.

ring the citizen advice bureau or the debt advice line for immediate advice.
if you need food go to the food bank
send him packing he and his family sound like wasters
if you cannot get anyone to support you and believe me I would if you are by me give him a date line to leave get over the ELC then its goodbye time
no man should put this on a partner who is about to have a baby especially major surgery too

Let his family cover the gap in his/your finances then. All of it!

If they back him, they must back his ideas and those ideas come at a cost. Let them put their money where their mouths are.

He can do his pet projects at their places going forwards because he is no longer welcome to do them where you and the kids will be.

Honestly this is a problem. But right now just forget about it and try to enjoy your first moments with LO.

I don't know if this is your first C or not but it's tough so just focus on that and enjoy these first two weeks as best you can focusing on recovery.

Goodluck 🥰

A million percent this.

If this is what he is like before you have a child, just picture the scene when you might have two or three kids and they are waiting for Daddy to be there for them and time and time again he isn't.

I can see that you've called him your DP and not DH. You should be able to extricate yourself from this relationship without too much upheaval to you both. It does leave you in a situation where you have a new baby and all of the responsibilities that entails but better a baby that you can show how to behave as they grow up than an adult who has no grasp on adult responsibilities whatsoever.

Right. He is always going to rob Peter to pay Paul. He doesn’t have the sense to handle money. If you borrow from your parents it can not go into his hands. He will blow it or, worse, pay back his parents with it.

To be honest, I would be very surprised if it does pay off in the future as he appears to have very little business acumen. Succeeding in business is not just about being good at whatever the service is that you offer. He's already severely damaged his reputation by messing up this big job. While you might get away with a misstep if you are established, you definitely won't at the early stages.

You need to get through this month or so but I think you need to have a serious talk with him about where his skills lie. Maybe going back in to full time employment while he learns the skills necessary to run his own business doing courses or availing of whatever help and supports are out there would be the best approach.He can always start doing small jobs at the weekend to build up to going out on his own while learning those skills.

Best of luck with the CS and your new arrival. You really don't deserve this at the moment.

the timing was definitely wrong, you don't set up a new business when you have a baby on the way. he should have saved for a couple of years, until DC2 a bit older and then branched out on his own.

I can see why you are worried and he should have been more sensible.

I left a 20 year job with a good salary, pension, holiday etc, to set up on my own to work around DD's nursery hours, with XH's blessing, and then 12 months later XH walked out suddenly, so there I was, working part time hours, with no holiday pay, no sick pay, no guaranteed income. I would never have left the job security had I know what was coming. 13 years on I have a successful business that has enabled me to work around DD, but for a while it was really hard work.

so I do sympathise. I hope that he manages to find work, and also make a success of his own business over time

Sorry, where was I excusing it???

I didn't excuse it.

I was saying it may be behind his behaviour.

If so, that makes things worse not better. It means he is less likely to learn form his mistakes and more likely to repeat them.

Fucking sick of the narrative both that autism is an excuse and, alternatively and conflictingly, that any awful implications of the ND for spouses is nothing at all to do with the autism but is just to do with him (or her) 'being a cunt' ( to use your language). Both of these arguments are utter bollocks.

He needs to finish up these jobs and go back to a stable job ASAP.

As a practical step, can you apply to Universal Credit in the meantime?

Seriously not OPs problem! My own husband is ASD and also not a raging cunt. Not fair to excuse such selfish behaviour.

Dp has gone into feeling sorry for himself mode, so there will be no talking to him there and if I do I must tread lightly otherwise I risk him shutting down completely.

This is OUTRAGEOUS! Time for you to get angry for you and your kids OP! WTF? He would have got paid paternity if he was still in paid employment. He is a selfish arsehole that has added so much needless worry to you and put you all in debt. He’s ruined your delivery and postpartum with this. He’s a twat and I’d be calling my parents and telling them all of this and getting support for myself and my kids. I’d also be telling him I want him gone until he’s looking for paid employment. Who gives a fuck if he sulks, he’s a selfish arsehole. I’d struggle to ever forgive this.

Is there any possibility he could be autistic too? This behaviour is very similar to my autistic Ex. He actually did similar around the time I had my second child.

Behaviour was similar, single minded focus on setting up new business, not discussing it, dismissing any concerns, but also not able to the think and plan through what was needed in a realistic way, not able to think through the consequences if it did not work out, then full of self pity and moping when it crashed around his arse.

Apologies for not mentioning the financial side. I assumed given you mentioned you were able to borrow money from family this initial gap was sorted. I remember the days we had to borrow money, sell bikes etc anything to get us through the tough days. If people asked me how I coped with such a determined DH who would even dream of putting us through this I could have cried. This went on for about a year. Now I get accused of being so 'lucky'🙄
Self employment is not for the faint hearted. If it's successful & there's no guarantee, you will look back & think it was really worth it. I wouldn't change a thing & would definitely do it all again.

I should add my DH became redundant when I was in the hospital having had a c/s which led him to creating his own business & it grew & grew. The initial worry was indescribable but we got there. I wish you all the best going forward.

I agree with this.

The man is a feckless idiot.

More than that, you are married. Big life decisions are made together. Instead he emotionally guilted you and then rail roaded you into going down a high risk path at a very vulnerable time in your life (young children).

He has now destroyed his reputation before his business gets off the ground by fucking his clients over by taking on work he cannot finish.

What a fool.

If he can't meet his bills I presume he will have to declare bankruptcy?

You need to see what you can claim in benefits and try to increase your own working hours as soon as you can, and try to develop your own career to increase your own earning potential.

On a plus note, please don't worry about the ELC. I have had two C-sections and they are such an nice, easy civilised way to have a baby.

Although I feel your pain OP in the days not that long ago when there was no such thing as paternity leave we just struggled on. It was exhausting but we coped. My DH eventually became self employed & the majority of child care was my role while he built his business. It felt like a sacrifice worth taking when he grew the business enough to employ help which allowed him more time at home with the children allowing me to go back to work part time. I agree with your DH. If you want the privilege of extra money gained in a successful business it involves sacrifices, especially at the beginning.

When you receive the money from your parents, please don't put it in a joint account. The only security you'll have this month for food & nappies is that money so please guard it ferociously! Thinking of you today and wishing you didn't have all this worry on your mind. xx

Stay with him and this is your life forever OP.

That is all.

ok, so he does have an idea then, but it sounds like he did not set himself up properly, as he should have had all the necessary equipment before starting, or enough funds to buy what he needed as he went along. He should have saved money, or taken a small business loan etc, to ensure that he had a buffer fund when he started up.

Ongoing, it sounds like he needs to get the work that he can, using the tools that he has, work for his old boss in quiet periods, and save as much as he can, after family costs, to get new tools etc to take on bigger jobs.