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AIBU?

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Due to give birth tomorrow and dp has said ...

317 replies

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 19:50

That he has no money!

To not drip feed, dp started up his own business beginning of this year. I don't want to talk bad about him but I expressed my concerns on leaving a stable job to pursue independent work (with no savings to back him) when he knew I was pregnant. Of course I was called unsupportive and pessimistic for saying this and after a lot of arguments I realised he was never going to see reason.

Lone behold dp left his job and started up his own. It was okay for a short while but very quickly the work dried up with not enough reliable cliental to see him through the winter. This meant us solely surviving off my money (I worked part time and earned very little). This put me in financial predicaments but I felt like I couldn't complain because dp was already feeling stressed and like a "failure" for the lack of work.

Now coming up to the due date dp took on a massive job. It was meant to cover his paternity leave as we knew I was going to have an ELC and with an already small DC it would need all hands on deck for the first couple of weeks. It was all looking great, until it wasn't. He started falling behind on this job, issues arise, money goes scarce. Now he is in a situation where he genuinely can not afford to finish the job (think labour based) as he needs more materials/tools. The client doesn't know this and is wondering why the job isnt getting done.

I keep asking dp, who is being very overtly down and sensitive about this all, what is going on. When it came to talking figures on how much he needed to finish the job it went from oh a couple hundred, to when I finally pinned him to down to work out the numbers rather than guess, much over a grand! As a saving grace dp managed to secure another job in the meantime which was meant to save us and fill his pockets to complete this job, however now he has just told me that actually most of this money is going towards outstanding invoices/loans he has, meaning effectively the money is out before it comes in!

This basically means he won't have any money, I get very little which I've nearly used up to cover our living expenses and bills, and my head is swimming. I'm meant to be giving birth tomorrow and I don't even know what to do. It's bad enough with the nerves/anxiety having to get my head around the ELC but now adding this to the picture I'm struggling to not have a full blown panic attack. Dp has gone into feeling sorry for himself mode, so there will be no talking to him there and if I do I must tread lightly otherwise I risk him shutting down completely.

He plans to try and finish off the job throughout the next month, once he communicates to the client about the financial delay and hopes that the client can cover the cost. In the meantime this means I'll be home alone, after major op, with two under 5. I have support for the first week from my dparents and then that's it. Dp knew this and I kept stressing to him that if his work was to go over time to try and only have it extend for another week. Every time I spoke to him it was a "yes I'm nearly finished" "not long now" "I've just got to x y z" and yet here we are.

What do I do?! I feel like having a breakdown!!!!!

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 02/03/2025 20:46

Both of you have been irresponsible. You work part-time and earn very ljittle and he is not earning anything. You will need to apply for benefits.

Nazzywish · 02/03/2025 20:45

2025willbemytime · 02/03/2025 19:54

He doesn't get the luxury of the self indulgence to feel a failure and be placated. He needs to get back into paid work and stop being a twat.

This x 10000. Stop pandering around him OP your making it worse for yourself ,he needs his head screwing on firmly. Yes your about to give birth but Channel some anger towards him will you so he can wake up or get lost.

Amba1998 · 02/03/2025 20:45

He’s started his own business 8 weeks ago and he’s already up shits creek? He obviously is no good at this and needs to work for someone else in a stable job.

good luck for tomorrow. How exciting!

RoachFish · 02/03/2025 20:44

chocolateface · 02/03/2025 20:39

Why has he told you this today?

It doesn't sound like he needs a huge amount to finish the job. He needs to ask his parents for a loan so he can get the jobs finished. He shouldn't leave his clients with an unfinished job. This doesn't seem like the right time for him to have started a business. I'd ask him to take a job for now while you build up savings and then possibly consider going self employed again when there is a financial cushion, just incase.

I can't believe so many people are saying to leave him. DH was in a similar position when I was pregnant with DC2 - that was 22 years ago. Things got a lot better (they also got worse) but I wouldn't have left because his business wasn't booming.

The sulking is find difficult to deal with though - he needs to get a grip and be proactive, firstly by asking his parents for £££.

It's the irresponsibleness of it. He had a job, they were doing fine, but then just as she was having another baby and will go on maternity leave he decides to gamble their financial security away. It was completely avoidable and it's not OK to put a woman in that situation, especially not at such a vulnerable time.

Hankunamatata · 02/03/2025 20:43

So he contacts client. Gets the money for materials and finishes the job

I think he was unprepared that he could take paternity leave being self employed in a newly set up business.

He needs to go and see a business manager or financial advisor.

EwwSprouts · 02/03/2025 20:42

Best wishes for tomorrow.

EwwSprouts · 02/03/2025 20:42

Has he part invoiced the client for some of the time/materials already used? Just checking as that would bring some money in.

I think the economy at the moment is not great for starting a business. Going back to being employed would offer more security.

Resttime · 02/03/2025 20:40

This is truly shit OP, I'm so sorry. Right now you need to focus on the immediate issue. It seems your partner is too self centered to prioritise you and the new baby. I see you've mentioned your parents will help for the first week so would it help to ask your Mum to be there with you for the birth and leave your partner at home with the older DC?

chocolateface · 02/03/2025 20:39

Why has he told you this today?

It doesn't sound like he needs a huge amount to finish the job. He needs to ask his parents for a loan so he can get the jobs finished. He shouldn't leave his clients with an unfinished job. This doesn't seem like the right time for him to have started a business. I'd ask him to take a job for now while you build up savings and then possibly consider going self employed again when there is a financial cushion, just incase.

I can't believe so many people are saying to leave him. DH was in a similar position when I was pregnant with DC2 - that was 22 years ago. Things got a lot better (they also got worse) but I wouldn't have left because his business wasn't booming.

The sulking is find difficult to deal with though - he needs to get a grip and be proactive, firstly by asking his parents for £££.

Huckyfell · 02/03/2025 20:37

The most exciting time of both of your lives ever, enjoy the moment, celebrate the new addition and adventures. Health first. All the best op, don't beat him up i know where he's come from, poor guy. But don't let this overshadow your time.

RoachFish · 02/03/2025 20:36

Eugh, he's clearly not intelligent enough to run a business and he definitely doesn't have the emotional maturity to be in an adult relationship or having kids. He needs to give up this failed mission and find employment asap. Leave him if you want but wait until you have recovered a bit.

fashionqueen0123 · 02/03/2025 20:35

It sounds like he isn’t running a business properly if he’s under costing the work and his work is actually costing him money! So he’s worked for nothing then! Why didn’t he build his business up over time so he had time to make mistakes. Or do a business course first.

If his parents can see no wrong then they can help with the kids and give him some money

RaveToTheGrave1 · 02/03/2025 20:35

Is this really the man you expect to look after you and your kids? Sod that

rrrrrreatt · 02/03/2025 20:34

I agree with all the comments about this being a relationship ending type of fuck up but now probably isn’t the time for making that decision.

Try and find as much support as you can; parents staying another week, other family members or mum friends, etc. See if you’re entitled to UC or if you could ask food banks if needed. Look after you, your DC and baby.

As for your DH’s business dreams, they’re just that. He’s gambling your family’s wellbeing in the hope it may pay off one day but the evidence so far is that he’s not able to run a successful business right now. He’s miscalculated his profit margins and what he owes, left a client without the service promised (depending what that is they could take him to court) and isn’t able to accept or deal with these issues.

Maybe he can revisit being self employed after he’s developed his business management skills but right now he needs to get a job or some contracting work.

When you’re recovered, think long and hard about if this relationship is what you want. Would you be happy if your DC copied the behaviour he’s modelling in later life?

cryinglaughing · 02/03/2025 20:33

He needs to get a job, rather than having his own business.

harijes · 02/03/2025 20:32

I agree with previous comments. If his family think this is so wonderful, hand it to them to sort for now, you focus on kids and baby.

Bigger decisions come later. Not now.

At the moment you feel you want to be at home, so you do that.

Pass the rest to them.

MIL DH is struggling just now with x y and z. As you were so supportive of this change in lifestyle can you sort the issues there while I focus on having a baby.

Notimeforaname · 02/03/2025 20:30

Even Homer Simpsons had the sense and decency to hide the money problems from his pregnant wife while he begged for his old job back to fix it...

This man just can't put you and kids first. Sorry op..

Bleachbum · 02/03/2025 20:29

It’s really rubbish but at the end of the day he needs to work, and work hard, and finish the job to a good standard. This is his new business and he can’t afford to piss off new clients. He needs them to refer him on. He also needs to learn from this and price his jobs properly so he doesn’t keep falling into this debt trap in order to complete jobs.

As for you, you can manage with an ELC and another child. I had a 20 month old when I had my ELC with my second. I recovered much quicker and was much more physically fit after my ELC than after my first, vaginal birth. My DH could only take a few days off work, enough for me to be in hospital for a couple of days but once I got home, he was pretty much back in the office. Needs must sometimes.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 02/03/2025 20:29

Ohapal · 02/03/2025 20:24

His family back him? Tell him to ask them to stump up the grand needed to finish this job then.

And they can support your family until his "business" takes off.

If he is already having trouble figuring out how to price a job, especially by that much, it is not looking good for the future.

KidsDoBetter · 02/03/2025 20:29

He is clearly not in the least equipped to run his own business. He isn't managing to complete even the one job he had to do and is letting his family down in the process and also his client (and word will go about that, google reviws etc). He needs to get a job - he is clearly a selfish incompetent twat.

MumWifeOther · 02/03/2025 20:29

TomatoSandwiches · 02/03/2025 20:27

Actually op would be better served leaving him and claiming UC for her household without him.

He can fuck off and sort his business out by himself, op has herself and two children to look after, no head space or time for a feckless fucker.

That is a very short term solution and doesn’t consider hers or her children’s feelings. Shit happens. Bad shit happens. It’s not always the end.

FluffyDashhound · 02/03/2025 20:28

Maybe short term poverty long term riches. Shit at min but try to be supportive

Waterlilysunset · 02/03/2025 20:28

Here we go….

Free doula support is available through organizations like Doula UK, Neighbourhood Doulas, and the Support Me Maternal Project

TagSplashMaverick · 02/03/2025 20:27

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 20:10

@TinyMouseTheatre last time we had an disagreement his parents got involved and things blew up. It was very ugly and I don't want DC to witness anything like that. Also I just don't think I have the mental strength to oppose 3 against 1.

Good god. You need to shake yourself free of this pathetic failure of a man and his bolshy family. Seriously. You will be entitled to much more support on your own anyway.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/03/2025 20:27

MumWifeOther · 02/03/2025 20:24

Everyone on mumsnet is always so quick to tell people to leave, when the reality is usually always that it’s not that simple.

Im really sorry you’re going through this. The reality is your dh is in over his head and has ballsed this up massively, but it wasn’t his intention and I’m sure his heart was in the right place. Couples go through financial difficulties and rough patches, and mistakes are often made.. I know he probably doesn’t deserve it, but he does need your support. Please speak to extended family and explain your situation. Ask for help, even if it’s just emotional support. Don’t try and face this alone.

You need to put your energy into tomorrow and then both come up with a plan on how to tackle this. Being on your own with baby + young child will be difficult, but not impossible and you will find strength you didn’t know you had when faced with this sort of issue. If you cant tell, I’ve been here and it’s not easy, but it’s also not the time to pack up and leave. Two heads are better than one and keeping your family fed and keeping your home is now the priority.

Best of luck for tomorrow and going forwards ❤️

Actually op would be better served leaving him and claiming UC for her household without him.

He can fuck off and sort his business out by himself, op has herself and two children to look after, no head space or time for a feckless fucker.