MIL doesn’t offer to pay her share when we meetup

Neither my mum nor my MIL have more money..In certain immigrant families the boomers are the poor ones.
But even otherwise I am not ok taking money from family.
That's just how it is. My BIL bought meba free laptop ( he works in tech) and wouldnt take money.

Don’t go out or do activities when she visits- just go to the park and take a picnic. If she suggests anything, no sorry money is short at the moment with children costs and can’t afford to pay for everything.
Then she will have to decide what she wants to do. And going to the park /walk etc is quite a nice activity in all weathers imo.

my culture is we fight for the bill ( to pay) and my husbands culture is apparently to avoid paying for anything if they can.
i started to get annoyed when they did it to my parents / aunties ( ie let pple pay for them ALL the time) like they were children

Why insulted? They're older than you and quite likely have more money. I have no problem with people who have more money than me offering to pay!
Obviously, if they're poorer, I'd just decline.

Jesus....
honestly next time when bill comes put your card down and say "that's to cover my third" to the waiter.
Then sit back, watch their eyes get wider and enjoy the show 😅

Do we have the same mil 😂
lots o empathy for you as my mil is the same, whether we visit or she visits she has never stuck her hand in her purse once in the 19 years I’ve known her when we’ve been at a restaurant or cafe or pub.
Very awkward situation as it’s almost not worth upsetting the Apple Cart even though she is obviously being tight and unreasonable

"I get that the obvious answer is don’t go anywhere when she comes but this isn’t practical with a 1 year old where everyone wants to go and do something when she visits."

No, the obvious answer is to pay for your part and not hers. So you go to the museum and pay for two adults and one child and she pays her part, or you pre-pay and tell her 'yours was X mil'. Same when out for lunch.

I would be highly insulted if my mum or MIL offered to pay for anything.

I wonder what happens when a culture that pays marries a culture that doesn't, so to speak.

I feel your pain. My 2 adult men boys would never even think to offer to pay for dinner, they just assume🙄
Can't wait until they've got their own families 😂

My sympathies OP, my Mil is the same, never offers to pay for or contribute anything. We just don’t offer to take her out anywhere costly anymore as not only did she never offer to contribute, she would be very critical of the outing such as the restaurant for example when it had been really nice.

She doesn’t have any health or money issues. It’s to the point that she doesn’t even offer us a cup of tea when we visit her, my husband makes it and if we go to hers for dinner, my husband either brings a take away in or cooks something at home and takes it for us to all eat. If she comes to ours for dinner she always arrives empty handed, even at Christmas.

If she asks for bits of shopping to pick up on the way to hers, she will never offer my husband the money for them. Entitled behaviour and it drove me insane but I’ve known her so long now I just expect it and don’t get annoyed anymore 😬

Why?

My dm pays for us sometimes as she has more disposable income, I pay for my own dc who are adults some of the time

Ahh well an ice cream is better than nothing haha

Stop going anywhere with her for a few weeks and if she mentions it, let her know you can't afford it.

If DH is so keen to pay, he can take his Mum out on his own without you.

Remember you have an issue with your finances being affected by her visits. That’s not insignificant. Your dhs issue is not more important than yours. Your dh could act on his issue and ensure she’s welcome around by ensuring she pays. If he chooses not to mention to her to pay, then in my book he’s also choosing for her not to be welcome at your house. These are his choices.

and definitely buy cheap coffee and have it the only one visible!

I think this is one your DH needs to handle as it's his mother. I agree if it's day visits, then go somewhere free and take a packed lunch. Tell her to bring her own sandwiches as that's what you intend to do for lunch.

I have been very fortunate and my parents always pay or offer to pay when we go out. I think your MIL is being rather tight, and should at least pay for her own costs at least some of the time.

My mil is also like this.
in her case it's she's "the guest", "the princess" and deserves "special treatment" And to be treated.

We are on the other side of this and the above is good advice.
You have to dig in and be as bold as she is. AND make it your DHs problem.

I hate doing it because im naturally generous and it makes me feel so petty and grubby and begrudging but i sat DH down and explained his mother was costing us about £1.5k per annum... and it HAD to stop.

Dh reduced frequency when it started hitting his personal spends pocket. i then took it from there.
I "Plan the weekend" in advance around free things. I take coffee in a thermos and own snacks. Dh doesnt plan, panics then throws money at it. Its easier and cheaper for me to own it.
If she suggested an impromptu lunch I'd say "who is paying?" Which is so awkward but I'd just leave it hanging. 🙈 When she demured or said something indirect I'd say "I'm on mat leave so if we are paying for everyone again we'd rather eat at home"
Then let it hang.... uncomfortably

With the museum I'd got practiced as we had this shit a lot.
I'd have walked her there and said you pop in and enjoy we will see you back at the house because...the baaaaaby OR I'd get in first and say "two tickets please!" And if she asked me to get hers id say "oh sorry its already being put through. Its just as easy to get your own!" 😁
I'd say this even when it blatantly wasnt true 🙈 and we'd all just watch it uncomfortably play out in awkward silence 😅😅😅😅

When she suggested expensive things she'd like to do i eventually got to the point where i was as ignorant as her and just said "do you realise our mortgage and childcare is over £7k per month so we dont go to michelin restaurants much these days"

She eventually got the picture and now puts her hand in her pocket once in a while and says "shall we do X - its my treat" the first time she said that it blew my brain 🤯 (its never been a michelin restaurant more pizza express but still!!!!) And i HATE that i had to stoop to her level for her to behave properly.

Some people are just uneducated, rude and entitled.

If they are married, all the money earned between them, is "theirs". Basic law.
Are you not married Bridget Jones? (I think the name answer the question, really).

Might have already been suggested but if she suggests going somewhere like a museum, or out for coffee/lunch immediately shoot it down by saying (politely) “sorry we don’t have the money for that at the moment”. Her reaction will tell you a lot!

This is why the western way is bizarre. If my mum or mil come out with us anywhere, best believe we are covering them. There's no way I would feel comfortable for them paying their share of the bill. My parents and parents in-laws, do offer to pay, but there's just no way we'll let them. They'll be times when they arrange something in advance and pay for it. I think it's a horrible mindset to have, to think ur parents should pay their way with their own children.

Oh, I see so many of these threads and I get so mad! My parents have been on-the-bones-of-their-arses poor for stretches of their lives. They would share their last penny with their children and they would make sure their grandchildren had some treat or even a regular monthly payment into their savings accounts before they asked any of their children to put their hands in their pockets. I have had to insist on paying for them, and they really fight to put 'their share into the pot' at Christmas, Easter, any time we do anything as simple as take them up the road in our car to the supermarket!

What is it with these P/PILs? do they uniformly think, "Oh, I brought up DCs, now it's their turn to pick up every cup of coffee/museum ticket/sandwich lunch'?? Grrr.

I don't think I've ever been to my son and DIL's without taking something with me, same as when I'd visit my parents.

Also they are married, so the money either of them makes belongs equally to the other one. Basic, well-known fact.

Can’t imagine visiting DDs or eating out with them and not offering to pay or just paying the bill.
Next time she visits do free things, a long walk, take lo to the play park. Sit on a bench and take a flask of coffee. She’ll soon get the message.

I think given it’s a bit awkward to ask her to pay, next time she comes, arrange things outdoors and if she suggests something with a cost say money is tight and you are tightening your belts as you can’t afford to spend on coffee / days out right now. She may get the hint, she may just go and enjoy the free stuff. My mum always offers to pay, these days I often insist on paying as when I had less money she always put her hand in her pocket. Ex PIL were so difficult to say no to, once we took them for a meal and ex went and ordered the food and paid the day before so they didn’t insist on paying!

Very odd as usually the guess at least buys a meal for hosts when out, or at least takes a token something when staying. If it's become a habit for her I think I'd do as others have suggested, make it clear by choosing free activities or picnic, actually say we can't eat out this time we can't afford it at the moment. If that doesn't make it obvious just don't do anything that costs money!