MIL doesn’t offer to pay her share when we meetup

I almost always pay for my kids/kids in law when we go out. We don't live in a cheap area for housing, and one couple has nursery fees to pay etc. While I'm retired with my mortgage paid off and a lot more disposable income. I do occasionally let them pay if they insist, as I don't want to infantilise them or have them take me for granted (not that they ever would).

To be fair, it's a different culture here. I have friends from other parts of the world, who like you said would never expect parents/Pils to pay for anything. However, in those cultures, the parents don't charge their adult children rent and provide more support than is the norm here, so horses for courses, I guess.

That’s interesting. I believe certain immigrant communities also have very expensive weddings that are paid for by the parents. Others set aside savings for house deposits and business start up costs for children. Can I ask who pays for the weddings in your culture?

I am the same. Always pay when I take adult kids out with grandchildren too.

It’s an awkward one. If I go anywhere with my dad and my daughter he pays. It’s not a conversation it’s just he will pay and if it’s his birthday or Father’s Day or an occasion then we would pay. With my in laws I went for coffees/ lunch etc all the time with my mil when I was in mat leave and she always insisted on paying although I’d always offer. Now it’s less often but she’s still insistent on paying for anything. She said she wants to treat her family. I wouldn’t grudge if she let me or wanted me to pay but if I was struggling to afford it I’d be making cheap plans and in conversation mention how things are going up, I’ve cut my hours etc and hope she offers to split.

Not even this - buy a flask for coffee to have with the sandwiches.

is she driving to you? If so then maybe she thinks that the money she pays for petrol to come to see you is all she needs to pay. I had a family member think that.

Next time move the bill over to her and say "I'll send you the money for this later" 😉

I always always pick up the tab. Young couples have high mortgages. Life isn't easy for them.
Plus I have more disposable income as I don't have to pay for their school uniforms, shoes, trainers, hobbies and driving lessons anymore.
I love treating them.
My Mum was the same with me. We are Irish and tend to "play it downwards", spending more on younger people.
Assuming no cultural issues, I think your MIL is mean.

I think the difference is .. at least they offer. You don’t feel taken for granted and they do want to treat you too. The OPs situation is someone who never even reaches for her wallet, when this happens over years , it starts to grate!

We always pay for MIL as we are genuinely better off. In your case though, I’d stop going out, free days out and meals at home. It’s expensive enough just having houseguests to stay and a meal out can literally be a week’s shopping trip. It sounds like neither of you can easily afford it so you just stay home (frankly, I keep it boring with MIL and hope she doesn’t come often!).

My mum is widowed and my dad used to always get the bill for things, but this in no way means that she doesn't pay. I never ask her, she always just gives me the money. I don't think this can be used as a reason.

When she suggests going somewhere just say you can't. You don't have the money to pay for 3 adults..
Or just pay yours and let her pay for her own

I'd always pick up the whole tab. Why wouldn't I? I have more money than a young couple with my Grandchild!

Personally if it were me as she's such close family I'd just let it go I think and treat her as one of you eg if you and your dh wouldn't go to something that is expensive don't , but if you do then include her too . The coffee just wouldn't bother me unless she's there for weeks on end !

It sounds unlikely to be a major issue if she lives 2 hours away and I agree it's quite thoughtless of her but we are all different and maybe you being generous might help her to learn to be a bit more generous too, you can always hope ! Also I wonder if she feels she's made an effort travelling so it's nice to feel welcomed and hosted to some extent.

That is crazy to me. My parents and in laws would always pick up the whole tab. If we insisted on paying or paid our share, they'd find another way to treat us.

Do people really pay ‘shares’ with immediate family?

In my case it’s always been one treating the others and people taking turns to do so. Would never dream of splitting the bill with close family.

But if she’s better off than you (does she know that?) then she should offer to take you out. Or you should say you can’t afford to go out to then promote that.

Is she just a miserly person with everyone? I have an aversion to stingy people. Some people are so tight that I am embarassed for them. Somebody once stole 20 cent from my father, and he knew what he was doing🤣

My own mum is 80 years old and she would wrestle the bill out of anyone’s hands to ensure are pays. Even offering to pay she looks at me like I’ve insulted her.

I get that the obvious answer is don’t go anywhere when she comes but this isn’t practical with a 1 year old where everyone wants to go and do something when she visits.

That really isn't the obvious answer, no!

You could...

1. Go to cheap/free places when she's down, and if she says, 'but I wanted to go to x', tell her that money is tight and you've being careful. Take rolls and a drink with you for lunch as well-we did that all the time when mine were little.

1. You pay for just you.

We always pay for my mum
My ILS are loaded and always pay for us,although we do offer

Op my mother never offers. Maybe its as dad always paid for her. She lets son in laws get her drinks too lol

My MIL struggles for money and she always offers to pay her way as a matter fo pride. If I've ever bought tickets to treat everyone she's offering the money even after knowing it's a present. We try and let her pick up the small things (the round of teas at the cafe rather than the meal out later) as I know she'll hurt for it later. But there is really no excuse for how your MIL is treating you!

Definitely firmly set boundaries. Have cash for your share- suggest she puts it on her card and you'll give her the cash etc. Stop rolling over and not saying anything.

A sideways approach... contact her before she comes and ask her to bring her Waitrose card and a portable coffee cup. Then the approach is 'we'll get coffee while we're in Waitrose. We've taken to doing this to save money, as things are tight ATM and it's a nice way of having coffee out'.

Has she helped your family out in the past, for example with your wedding or house deposit?

It's hard to understand but might she feel awkward offering to pay. My MIL would have and she wasn't mean just a bit weird.