MIL doesn’t offer to pay her share when we meetup

Maybe she's just not thinking it through. Say it out loud. Not "you should pay your share" more like "We'll take sandwiches when we go out with the kids, buying meals out is just too dear." or "No, we won't go there, let's go to X museum, it's free admission." No harm in saying, if trips out are suggested by her, you're on a tight budget these days. If she doesn't understand and still persists in sitting on her hands when the bill comes round, then you need to talk to DH and see if he can talk to her.

Personally I think it's appalling, if I stay with friends or family, I will always pay for everyone for a meal out while I'm there, or take a gift or something - I turned up at a relative's house with a big joint of beef once!

Good luck negotiating this without a fall out.

I would say "we can't afford to go out for lunch today as money is tight so we'll stay here" etc

It's not meanness towards MILs and mothers. OP and her DH are not in a financial position to be able to afford to treat OP's MIL all the time and she absolutely should not expect it.

I'm older and I don't expect my adult sons to pay for me. They have young families to support.

It sounds as though OP's MIL expected her sons to pay for her from when they were late teens. That wasn't reasonable or normal.

@Starry4321 she must be very dense if she cannot see that a young family nowadays has very little disposable income! If she is not going to pay her own way, then dont go anywhere that needs a payment. just go to the park or the beach for walks. someone needs to tell her that you cannot afford it.

I'm not sure why this is any different to any other 3 adults going out to eat / drink.

That's £30 so £10 each.

Why does it have to be awkward?

I’d just start ordering food and tickets separately. Museums etc - just by yours and then stand back so she can buy hers and if she doesn’t, she isn’t going in! Food - when you’re ordering make a point of totting up what it comes to and saying something like “moneys tight so have to watch what I’m spending” then when the bill comes say “mines XXX” and pay that.

This mystifies me as we always pay when we go out with our adult kids. I see completely what you mean about the bunch of daffs @Starry4321, one of our offspring is like this. I don’t know why because they were brought up always to take something when they visit.

I think next time she visits I would say something like "We would love to go for lunch and a museum but it's just too expensive to do both - which would you prefer?" and repeat every time. If she doesn't then offer to pay her way or split costs I would do focus on doing free things with the children so they can still have fun with her without it causing financial issues.

Unless you are impoverished it would be a nice gesture to offer once in a while with your DS2. He’s happy to treat you but don’t take it for granted.

I think sons just like to pay for their mums - nothing wrong with that!

DS2 is very wealthy and always insists on paying so I don't even offer; DS1 less well off but still pays, although I do genuinely offer. However, DS1 has two teenage children who I spend a small fortune on e.g. theatre tickets, and restaurants (huge teenage appetites). So I think swings and roundabouts.

My ex always paid for his parents, as I did my mother.

So much meanness here towards MILs, and mothers.

When you're all older I'm sure you'll let your sons pay for you!

This seems the obvious solution. Except given that you've said that she's expected her kids to pay for her since their late teens, she's unlikely to offer now.

Of course it's awkward for your DH, OP. It's nailed into his family dynamics that his mum never pays, but at the same home it's hurtful and embarrassing.

My parents think we are loaded as we both earn what they think is a huge wage. They have no idea how little that stretches to these days. They both are retired on final salary pensions and have no mortgage.

MIL we love seeing you and having you to stay but we can’t afford to treat you at the moment. Are you happy to chip in so we can do things together?

Get some cash out.
Tell her next visit, we are really struggling at the moment.
If she says can we go to x for lunch say yes, we will give you the money for our food, then you can just pay for yours.
If she wants to go to the zoo say the same , we have x amount, we will give it to you so you can buy all our tickets...
Never use your card in front of her.
If she.moans say shall we just go to the park as free....

Next time you go out for lunch, could you try and split the event by saying something like "I'll pay for lunch here, then how about we go for a walk and then mil you could get the coffees at xyz cute cafe?"

It is more than fair as you're paying for lunch, but it also gives her a shit of reality that she should also pay.

I’ve mentioned a few times and he said him and his 3 siblings would always just pay the bill growing up and his mum would sometimes pay her share or they would cover it.

Growing up? What sort of age do you mean here?

I think your MiL is rude and entitled but it's up to your DH to tell her money is tight post DGC. She needs to pay her way. I always pay for all of my DC, partners and DGC whenever we go out but I can afford to and I like to treat them as I don't see them every month.

I had the same problem pre-DC when MIL and her partner would sit back and wait for DH and I to pay for meals. Never treated us. DH never confronted her. I think it would have been a few thousand all up that we spent entertaining them. MIL doesn’t want to be too involved as a grandparent so we don’t see each other that much and we don’t have outings like that, more coffee at home type of thing.

If your HB is not willing to have an open conversation with her then stop taking her anywhere that will result in you picking up the tab. As has been suggested up thread as the weather improves you should limit your excursions to parks and playgrounds. Take your children snacks and drinks then you have no need to visit any cafes or eateries.

At home hide any good coffee and buy in a £1 jar from the supermarkets own brand.

My in-laws were like this - with everyone - for decades from the moment we met till they died. Their DD tried the same trick. She always arrived empty handed, brought lots of others, stayed for eleven hours, wouldn’t lift a finger, refused to host but continued to invite herself to us. I suggested she host but she wasn’t having it, and she had no qualms as she treats all the same. She begrudges others, expects and doesn’t appreciate how much her AC indulge her. We’ve been depicted as difficult, haven’t seen her or her family for years. Do we care? Hell no. Only cards at birthdays and Christmas are exchanged now.

She should be offering to pay for the entire bill if you're putting her up aswell!

For her future visits just say we can't go out anywhere this weekend because we're skint at the moment, we're just going to play monopoly and make crafts out of yoghurt pots and loo rolls, and just keep doing that til she either gets the hint and steps up, or stops coming (hurrah?)

I would be highly insulted if my mum or MIL offered to pay for anything.

Same here. DH would also never accept my mother paying her share for lunch/coffees either.