MIL doesn’t offer to pay her share when we meetup

This I feel..she has no shame..its a different world now unless you live under a rock you must know how difficult it is for young families. I would stop suggesting trips out and would wait till she suggests then say sorry we can't afford that and see what she says..its awkward though isn't it ? It is rude to turn up to someone's house empty handed ...it just is. I would scale back the effort you are making on arrival.

So you pay either way? You're on a losing streak whichever way you spin it! She is taking massive liberties here.

Feck that for a game of soldiers!

Tell her that you're planning on visiting her on X date (give her time to get her house cleaned and decluttered) and you want to stay with her so she has to sort her house out. You can't afford to pay for hotels and meals every time you visit her. You now need to stay in her place for any visits.
If she cleans up so that you can stay, you stay with her.
If she doesn't, you get back in your car and drive home again.

You also don't extend a return invite to her until you are on an equal footing.

Time to play hardball with a woman like that.

That only advantaged him though.

Him spending money now on his mother (unless it is only coming from his portion of the family money) is actually disadvantageous to you all. It's taking money away from you, the family funds and his kid(s).

He needs to wake up and see that.

Weather is getting better. Stop having her to stay, offer to meet her somewhere half way, preferably a free park and say you are bringing X food and drink for a picnic, could she bring Y? or you go to her and lead by example - bring some daffs.

If your husband isn't prepared to have an uncomfortable discussion then if she ever brings it up, simply say that "you're sorry, you can't afford to host guests right now"

I think you need to be blunt with DH and say the family entertainment budget is for you, him, kids and not mil. If he doesn’t want to ask mil to pay then he pays from his personal spends.
He’s basically stopping your children having days out by paying for mil out of that pot.
eg you have £50 a month. Just paying for your family and not buying food/coffee it may stretch to two trips out. If he’s subbing mil from that pot then it only covers 1 trip.
Why should you not be able to take them to soft play with a friend later in month etc because he’s spent the money on MIL.
Maybe switch to cash for fun money pot then it’s really obvious to him and MIL. So museum family ticket is £20 plus £8 adult, you put £20 cash out and leave him to pay £8 for mil if he wants to.

Do you think that your DH was a victim of parentification, i.e. he basically took on the role of parenting his mum from a young age? It sounds as though he sees her as his responsibility, to the extent of paying for everything. You mentioned that your DH and his siblings started paying for things as teenagers which isn't the norm.

When you're all older I'm sure you'll let your sons pay for you!

I'm 'older' and still have more disposable income than my young working son who has crippling rent costs so no, I won't assume he will just pay for me!

I think for two or three visits you need to knuckle down and not do anything out of the home or free activities to make a point. Maybe in the holidays do your museum visits and things during the week and save up the period of nothingness for her visit. Still do fun stuff- but make it all free and just be really apologetic so she notices. Go to the park, but if you drive park a few streets away, "sorry about this but it saves the parking fees" , "we're not going to the cafe today for a cappuccino, I've bought a flask."

Your MIL is tight and entitled. If she can't afford to go on outings, she should stop suggesting them. I am a MIL a few times over and there's no way I could bring myself to stand back and watch my adult children pay for me when I know they have mortgages/rent and young families to provide for. It's shameless and undignified.

You clearly have a DH that wasn't going to take any shite from his mother.

The OP doesn't appear to have that....yet....there is time for that situation to improve however.

@Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou - wow this hit a nerve!

I have written of this phenomenon here extensively in the past -

my MiL appeared one Christmas morning empty handed
with 3 young grandchildren !!! who had made her presents which she rubbished.

My own daughter now with a child has a MiL who arrives empty handed, it’s baffling thoughtless and ill mannered to us, something the empty handers think nothing of.

I appreciated the perplexed tone of your post though ha ha

You certainly can reduce her visits.

The issue you're having is because he can't or won't have a conversation with her about how expensive her visiting you has become.
He shouldn't have an issue as you're not saying "Don't come, ever!" what you are saying is "We can't afford it when you do come, so come less often and we'll be ok with that".

Also, if he has an issue with her visiting you, he could go to visit her.

for Me it’s not that I want my mum to pay I think it’s rude to not even offer a token or to say thank you or quite obvious it habe brought any money out. You are describing something different which is someone offering to pay.

My father in law does the sneaking to the till, my husband hates it because we invariably have my mum with us who doesn’t even bring her purse out or say thanks and he doesn’t think his dad should be paying for my mum who never ever reciprocates.

i don’t expect her to pay for a whole meal as we invite her and arrange it but it’s bizarre not to even try to offer something. She gets ferried there and back and never says anything remotely like thank you.

she has over the last 18 months paid for coffees probably on four occasions when I have met her so that’s something I suppose.

she wouldn’t ever think of bringing anything when she comes for a meal to our house.

My advice would be this (as your DH appears to have an issue talking this through with his mother).
Tell him that if he doesn't start talking to his mother about how she is taking liberties here with spending your money, money btw that could be put aside into savings or towards things your child(ren) will need over time, then you will and mean it.

Tell your mother in law that if she suggests a day out, it's on her. She pays. Don't be the ones reaching for your wallet every single time. She coughs up.
If she finds it too expensive, then there may be cheaper or more affordable options that you could do instead.

She isn't a guest, she is family. She is treating the visits like she is a guest and that has to stop. She is to start bringing her coffee with her at the very least.

Just to drive the point home with your DH, try if you can to work out how much it costs to have his mother visiting as often as she does. How much extra it costs in groceries (if she needs something specific bought for her use only, point that out as you wouldn't normally be including it on the shopping list otherwise), how much each lunch/dinner out costs (that you probably wouldn't be doing as often if she wasn't visiting), how much the day trips out cost. Show him the bottom line. Blokes tend to do better when they see the bottom line (not sure why and that is a sweeping generalisation but they do seem to prefer to have the facts to hand).

I think this is pretty cheeky tbh!
My MIL is pretty well off and generous to a fault. When she visits for example for a weekend she come laden with gifts, flowers, nice fruit like strawberries etc!
If we went out for the day she'd insist on paying everyone's entry and lunch.
We would of course make dinner here for her but when she's here for longer than a couple of days she usually offers to take us out for dinner or treat us to a takeaway or something.

Do you invite her ? I guess she feels like she is a guest?

I mean she should pay for one meal
Etc as a thank you at least but just trying to understand her mind set

So when she says
”lets go for coffee” you say “ sorry vera money is tight at the minute with childcare costs, lets take a flask and go to the park”
”how about going to X museum/stately home/attraction today?” You say “sorry Vera thats a no from us even a cheap family ticket/concessions for the baby will be £X and our budget doesn't stretch to that, so lets take a flask and go to the park/other free activity”
“how about a takeaway?” You say “sorry Vera I have already bought tonights tea as we meal plan around our budget. Its X and I have some (nice treat) as dessert.”
And so on …..

How would DH using his own money work then? Do you have a set amount you each have for personal spends? If so, I think this needs to start being enforced. If he'd rather pay for his mother than ask her for money or stop doing things that cost money, that's up to him as long as his own personal spends will cover the costs. But it needs to actually happen.

If he does not in fact have personal spends sufficient to cover it, you do need to make clear that yours won't be going on it. I would stop doing paid activities at that point.

Meh he he. Might try this😂

When she suggests a paid activity, can you say 'that sounds lovely. It's £X each - just checking you're ok to cover your entrance? We'd love to treat you but sadly we're a bit tight at the moment'

Can't answer for your MiL OP but when I go to visit my adult kids and their families I don't stay with them. We do usually split the bill between us when we go out for lunch but often DD2 will pay for coffees out as she knows it costs me a lot in train fares and a one night stay in a nearby B&B. I drive an hour to DD1 and we don't often go out anywhere but if we do I pay my own way (can't afford to pay for the whole family). I buy a lot for my DGSs though. Your DH needs to get over his embarrassment and let his mother know how hard your current financial state is.

If paying for HER meals out etc is affecting the carefully balanced and tight family budget, that's not mean, it's common sense. You are obviously paying for stuff for your grandchildren, this lady isn't.