MIL doesn’t offer to pay her share when we meetup

Because it’s their parental responsibility! They chose to have children, you didn’t ask to be born. My kids are still in secondary school and so far they’ve cost us many many thousands over the years, with more still to come. Do I think they owe me anything? No.

I’m grateful for everything my parents gave me over the years but I don’t think I owe them because they paid for everything when I was a kid, that’s just weird.

I still want to know if there are any posters in intercultural marriages with Asian/Arab people and how they handle fights over the bill.😀 The fights being people fighting to pay the bill.

Would you expect your kids to pay for you when they’re older, even if they are struggling financially and you’re well off?

My DM & DF are the same, no real excuses other than they are tight.

I think they think nobody notices.

Not as tight as her MIL who doesn't pay for anything. OP and her DH are on a tight budget and OP can't afford to keep subsidising her freeloading MIL.

I always pay for my mum and MIL. They paid for me and DH for years when we were kids so now it's our turn.

You need to start being less polite and more firm about it. Eg at the museum you could have said “you go first to buy your ticket MIL” when you got to the front of the queue. Or at the cafe “how shall we split the bill - 50/50 or just pay for what we had?” Or when the waiter comes over “can I just pay the £25 for the two sandwiches and coffees please”.

Really you need to talk to your husband and make him realise how much it annoys you because you both need the money for the children, so that he talks to his mum about it. Tell him that if he doesn’t then you’ll just start being more obvious about it when she’s with you, eg “sorry MIL we can’t afford 3 adult tickets so could you pay for your own”.

It starts grating when it’s every time.
So on the face of it not buying the nice coffee seems petty but if it’s always Op buying it soon grates. That £8 jar of coffee MIL blasts through is potentially an outing for OP’s toddler so I can understand her pause buying it in the supermarket.
I had a relative who moaned they even had to take tea bags when visiting an adult child. Apparently they didn’t drink tea. On face of it you think why wouldn’t they just get a few tea bags. But another relative complained to me that relative always hung back and never got coffees/lunch etc so maybe it was a bit of a protest from the adult child.
Maybe run out of coffee next visit.

My mum does this. It was particularly frustrating when I had a buy one get one free to an attraction, asked for tickets for me and Dd then got "and a pensioner" from her. Her ticket cost more than our combined one did and the only reason I had gone there was because the offer made it affordable.

And you paid for her ticket?! I would have just paid for me and my child if she had form of doing this.

If money is tight your DP needs to be open about expectations, if you’re both on the same page.

In my family we’re very up front about these things. It’s waxed and waned who’s paid for stuff over the years but now whenever I visit my dad I remind him he and he wife are minted compared to the rest of us due to inherited wealth so they can cough up for dinner.

Maybe these women somehow think they're owed something by their children?

My mum does this. It was particularly frustrating when I had a buy one get one free to an attraction, asked for tickets for me and Dd then got "and a pensioner" from her. Her ticket cost more than our combined one did and the only reason I had gone there was because the offer made it affordable.

She tends to just take a step back when we pay for admissions or coffee, yet usually we've also had to drive her as well. Last big trip we all went on we made a toilet stop and she asked if we were having another drink. I'd paid for Starbucks and cake at the previous stop so just told her that I couldn't afford it. She didn't offer to pay...

It was just an example of how you could reduce the overall costs of visits along with reducing trips out etc. If OP is on a budget looking at costs that add up and adjusting seems sensible. Coffee may not be a big expense but there might be other things like that OP could adjust to make things affordable. It's not being tight if it's adding stress to the budget and visits are becoming expensive. E.g. if you're not a big coffee drinker but someone regularly comes and drinks all of what you budgeted for a while you could get 'everyday' coffee.

'Sorry not in the budget this weekend' became my stock response when MIL visited and expected to be treated to a holiday like experience every time. She flew to us (1hr flight) back when flights were £20 return and always at inconvenient times for us to be available to collect her from the airport, ensuring annual leave was needed for the Friday and Monday as opposed to just one day. We always had in her favourite foods, alcohol of choice etc. She would suggest afternoon teas at £45 a head (us, a teen, a child and a baby at that point), tickets to the theatre, special exhibitions at local museums that are otherwise free but ticketed for the event, days out involved train and taxi to local city etc as our car only had five seats or car hire. She would suggest day trips to 'local' tourist destinations such as St Ives (2.5hrs away!) and never put her hand in her pocket. This was vaguely tolerable pre DC3 but with reduced income and increased nursery fees looming we had to tighten our belts and that's when 'Sorry not in the budget this weekend' came in to play. Not once did she say that's ok, I will pay.

My PIL are just the same, I just tend to avoid those outings to make it cheaper for my other half and not sure I agree with it, as they have money and manage to drive around in a brand new bmw! Fortunately these outings seem to happen less and less.

I sympathise,but it is your DH’s mother so you do need to take account of his feelings
I am sorry but buying cheap coffee rather than letting her have the good stuff just seems really tight

We were really careful on days out when the kids were younger-free museums, country parks/woods with a picnic or we used Tesco Clubcard vouchers for a few nicer bits and the odd Pizza Express!

If she is wanting to do things that cost, how is that being brought up? You need to nip it in the bud at that point when discussing plans. Make it clear that the budget is tight now so it's got to be cheaper things.

It's the same idea as having teenagers with very hungry friends and buying loads of bread for endless toast to keep costs down when they visit.

if she drinks loads of coffee get a cheaper one to make it more affordable

I like this idea! You could do the same with food: fig rolls all the way! Years ago, my friend's partner used to have an alcoholic aunt who used to visit and drink the place dry, so my friend bought in a job lot of really cheap wine and hid all the good stuff.

Weirdly my mum is also a hoarder and thinks she is very poor (she isn't). She always expects people to buy and do things for her. I didn't realise there could be a link. But my mum also has other complex mental health issues alongside hoarding.

I think if she's not going to contribute and keeps visiting I'd think ahead for weekends she comes and plan and budget accordingly.

Plan free activities for that weekend e.g. parks or free museums. If she suggests something that costs money just say you've got the weekend planned.

If she drinks loads of coffee get a cheaper one to make it affordable.

Take toddler snacks on outings, eat at home and save meals out for weekends when she's not there or special occasions only.

If she's visiting regularly to see the family she can't expect to be treated every time she visits.

Just read up to see she’s hoarding to extent house unsafe. That is very close to home as my mil is same. She also would expect to be treated eg bought coffee and driven around. It’s a princess like mentality. My dh finds it very hard to deal with and just really limits contact. It’s really hard to describe but she just expects it and places great store on being paid for eg she’d gush my son is taking me out, or say to me I hope he’s taking you somewhere nice. Dh married me total opposite if I want something or to go somewhere I’ll just do it. It’s very hard to wrap your head around total opposite to yourself. My mum and late grandma would never turn up empty handed, small things like daffodils you mentioned are them to a tee. So that’s what I was used to. Whereas mil total opposite view, she’s a guest coming to be treated and wouldn’t dream of bringing something. I think you need to be firm with dh as she won’t change.

I think there is another issue as well that you need to look at if your family finances are so tight but your DH has additional money that you want him to pay for his mother from. If your family finances are so tight you are constantly scrimping and saving he needs to put more in the pot.

As your finances with DH are split I would take him up on all of MILs expenses coming out of his pot only.

Then only raise again if DH being left out of pocket directly affects you, the home or DC ie. He says you can't afford something and then ask if you could if it were not for his mother's visits, and then if he really thinks it right you go without because of them.

I get this doesn't quite solve it but you must overwise just grin and bear it or it will be your relationship, home and peace that suffers, not hers.

My DH has said he can use his own money to cover MILs part.
This is the problem. He doesn’t use his personal money to top up your joint account for what is spent on her when she visits.

So he’s basically doing exactly what she does when she offers to repay what has been spent on her later, but doesn’t.