MIL doesn’t offer to pay her share when we meetup

Always set out your expectations well in advance, at the point of arranging the visit.

'Hmm if you transfer me the money mil, I'll order your ticket with ours.'

'Oh I'll do a packed lunch, really pricey at that xyz place.'

'Bring your gardening gloves mil, we are picking up mulch leaves in the park. Then at home I have a lovely soup in the slow cooker.''

'I'm not sure mil, I'll check the prices online and get back to you.'

'We've already done our shopping. We won't be going again while you are here.'

'That is way out of our budget.'

You must speak up @Starry4321 or all your memories of dc early years with mil, will be photos of places you resented going to, all the while fake smiling worrying about affording the council tax.. Then after, you will have zero budget to go to the places you really do want to go to.

There’s no excuse. She’s just a tight arse. Take matters into your own hands if DH won’t tackle her. When her next visit is imminent text her and say you will have to skip the next visit as things are tight. End your text with “ I’ll phone you shortly.”
Then phone and take it from there. Be pleasant at all times! 😊

Unfortunately she's not going to change so you have to handle this.

Free activities only, packed lunches and thermos of coffee and when she says anything you say sorry mil, money is tight and we can't afford to pay for all these activities for you any more.

Easy. Don’t go out with her or only to free things. Even coffee/tea suggest a picnic/ flask. Repeat money is tight and you can’t afford it - till it sinks in. She might offer sometime and if she does hold her to it. Otherwise be as boring as you can when she comes over.

I think you have two choices. Either never go anywhere where you have to pay, e.g. parks for a walk but no coffees or lunch; or explain that you are tight to cash and could she pay her share “ children are so expensive aren’t they?” Also introduce a discussion about what to buy a friend when you visit them. “ we haven’t got much money but it’s important to bring something when you visit isn’t it? Should we just get flowers ?” It’s important that you reset the relationship as otherwise you are not going to enjoy her coming.

Suggest a kitty for upcoming trips that you both pay into ahead.

I find her attitude very weird. We always pay for everyone when we go out to eat with DC in their twenties and their partners. We are comfortable and they are still making their way in first jobs and trying to save so I'm happy with that. Will probably let them pay their share when they are more established and have more spare cash. Would never expect them to pay for me, but would accept gratefully if they offered to treat me for a special occasion.

Tell your husband that unfortunately money is too tight to host his mother and he needs to tell her that.

She sounds awful.

Yet she is happy to suggest expensive days out for other people to pay for.

I would sympathise if she was worried about money and reluctant to suggest things that were expensive but she's not, she still wants to go out and do stuff but doesn't want to have to put her hand in her pocket herself.

“If I could afford it” is the relevant part - op and husband can’t afford to pay for everything when they go out with MIL, but she expects them to.

Exactly-this is the crux of it.

I see you say that MIL hoards her possessions. I would say that the money thing is similar. She probably feels very anxious about spending it.

That said in my house we all fight to pay the bill!

If money is tight just go to free places. Kids don't need to be taken out to paid activities and lunches - picnics, parks, free museums, take a flask of coffee

You could say that X museum or restaurant looks as if it's expensive, and decide to take a packed lunch instead. Eating a sandwich in the car wouldn't be much fun.

For a while in the UK, each subsequent generation was better off than the previous ones. That trend has now reversed and lots of older people have far more assets and much more disposable income than their adult children who cannot afford to constantly treat their parents.

I think the issue is subsequent generations have been wealthier than their forebears except for now. This is the first time in the UK we are poorer than the previous generation. That is certainly the case in my family, despite my good education and employment record. The boomer wealth is a lot to be reckoned with. My father and his wife were both retired by early fifties and haven’t got any education past school but are sitting on more money than me and my four siblings put together. They got lucky with property values and pensions. So I absolutely let them pay for things if I get the chance. But they’re tighter than a ducks arse and believe we fritter all our money away on holidays and avocados. Admittedly I do like avocados but last had a holiday, to wales and off season, two years ago.

Op has said/implied she wouldn’t begrudge buying all the coffee that her mil drinks if she made even the smallest gesture of appreciation or giving something back.

Would you go and stay with your adult children, who have young children of their own and are feeling that money is tight, and expect them to pay for everything while you’re there, including entrance fees for all activities and all eating out?
I would (and do) happily pay for things for my parents and in-laws, eg treating them to a meal out - the difference with the op is that it’s reciprocated and not an expectation.

“If I could afford it” is the relevant part - op and husband can’t afford to pay for everything when they go out with MIL, but she expects them to.

Lol I would actually buy my mum a diamond ring if I could afford it. She's given me so much support over the years that I'd do absolutely anything for her :)

Me neither. It's hardly a diamond ring.
I also don't identify with the," Well I didn't ask to be born" warcry. It's an alien Western sentiment for me and many others.

And as far as my own children go, I didn't have them to support me, but I do spend a lot of money on them and the idea that they'll one day begrudge me a cup of decent coffee would be very sad.

No, but our parents made big sacrifices for us as kids. We wouldn't have the successful careers we have now if it wasn't for the help they gave us. I can't imagine going to a museum and not buying my mum her ticket.

May well be odd for the UK but literally billions of people across the world do this. And no, that's not why they had children. But it is the global majority view.

What an odd way to look at things!

You have children so they can pay for you when you get a bit older?!

Well obviously they did as they chose to go ahead with a pregnancy that resulted in a child. With that goes paying for the child.

YANBU I have 3 adult DS's and it's my pleasure to treat them when we meet up, same if they had DC
I do let them pay for me on my Birthday and Mother's Day