MIL doesn’t offer to pay her share when we meetup

Yeah, we do things differently, really.My DC are used to granny coming and staying for a month at a time

Does she suggest lots of expensive outings and expect you to pay when she comes?

Yeah, we do things differently, really.
My DC are used to granny coming and staying for a month at a time.

I've had 2 mils and both over generous. Really feel for you.

Hmmm, rather than thinking of it that way, maybe just be aware in future not to suggest expensive outings to your kids and then expect them to pay for both them and you, and the cost of coffee won't ever become an issue!

@springintoaction321 for sure !

Let her suggest whatever she likes just say "sorry, we've made other plans as we're being careful with money"
Google all the free places to go in your area , look on Groupon or Wowcher for any upcoming deals.
Dc at that age are excited to see a pond of ducks or a field of sheep. Even a pile of stones is interesting to a 1 yr old!

Yeah, a cultural thing. I pay everything for my parents and inlaws. I also pay for my sister and BIL when they visit, though we fight over the bill. Guests don't pay. Evens out when we visit.
A saying in my culture: The guest is god.

Her mindset is that she's tight as a duck's arse.

Would you expect them to pay for all the outings and meals out for you though (especially if their finances are tight?) That’s the difference. The op has said she wouldn’t begrudge the coffee if MIL gave some kind of token of appreciation instead of expecting every single thing to be paid for and offering nothing.

See I don't think that is necessarily true. My in laws for example live in a large 4 bed home, have plenty of money invested but are still quite tight when they visit. They will pay for things but always look for the cheapest option and won't join in with things that will cost money, even if this deprives them of seeing their grandchildren who MIL always makes a fuss about how she barely sees them. They will visit term time midweek as it is cheaper, then moan they don't see the grandchildren but if suggested they visit on a weekend they refuse as that is more expensive (when we visit we go on a weekend despite the cost, no way would I stay with them as they are quite controlling).

I would say it all depends on specific situations as there are some quite wealthy older people on good pensions whereas younger people with children are paying out high rates for mortgages and childcare fees so don't have the same disposable income.

I am going to be enraged if my DS expects me to bring my own coffee when I visit, personally.
I won't suggest outings.

I just have this sense you pay for the person in the family who has less than you

Like the OP with her young family?!

I think this model of a poor little old lady on a tiny pension being treated by a wealthy son and DIL isn't what's happening here.

This is a woman who is coming to stay, suggesting expensive outings, never offering to contribute but expecting a young family (with presumably high housing/childcare costs) to just pay for her.

Just fucking ask her to pay.

@amele @middler
Yes it is the western way that most people adhere to in the UK. Money tends to
be given downwards not the other way round.
You should always provide for your own children, not on the expectation that they will provide for you later. As I said earlier we always try to pay for our adult children and grandchildren. I expect they will try and pay for their own adult children and grandchildren when the time comes.

Yeah I am with you amele. I always paid everything when my mum came to stay for 3-5 weeks at a time. It would seem so odd to ask her to contribute, we were working she was on a pension and had less. I just have this sense you pay for the person in the family who has less than you and often parents are on a pension right so we insist on paying so my mum got used to that and knew we picked up the tab for her happily. I mean the in laws raised your husband right? I just think it's the norm that the working younger people pay for the older non working people in the family but it does not seem to be the norm on here. I would feel so weird expecting my mum to pay for herself once I got beyond 25 and i had a well paid job.

Go to free places. Library, park and playground, pkaygroups. Simple. Your making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Food you said you prep for her visit so why eat out? If she suggests something tell her point blsbk if it is free we are up for it.

Your 1 year old doesn't need to or care to go to paid restaurants and expensive outings.
As a child ky beat cherished menories were all the free stuff we did. Park, woodlands, playground etc etc etc.

My mil does offer to pay for herself and my fil, but my husband 'babies' her, and likes to play Mr Flush; and tells her to put her purse away.

I don't mind treating people, but not as a rule.

She can drive, but my husband and his siblings have all decided that she's 'too tired to drive'.
So, my husband drives up and down the poxy motorway to pick them up whenever we go anywhere.
Wasting time and petrol.

I now refuse to give up my seat in the front, cos i get really travel sick, when i sit in the back of the car; which is brilliant when we're always going somewhere to eat.🙄
I won't do it anymore.

I've told him that he's not doing his mum any favours by treating her like she's made of glass.

So, he has acquiesced and realised i'm right.
Which is a bloody miracle!

I’d tell her that if she wants to meet up then she will need to pay for herself. Otherwise she can come to yours, have a cup of tea and a boring sandwich like everyone else.

We try to pay for our adult children and grandchildren. They are the ones with mortgages and children who cost money.

My kids are like this. OK when they were young, now they're working it would be nice if they'd at least offer to buy a drink. We took my DD ,DSiL and DGS for a meal on Saturday and we wouldn't ask them to pay for that.

When we go out with my dad we'll pay for drinks and he'll pay for the food.

I would never feel comfortable if my children had to pay for me! After all, they have more expenses like raising their children, paying of their house - costs we also had when we were younger but not any more. We nearly always pay the bill whenever we go out with our adult children and their families, like restaurant, trip to the zoo, museum etc. unless they explicitely say that this one is on them - and then we accept that ánd say thank you. Our children also thank us every time we pay for a treet.

We always pay for our in laws - just a generational thing I think.
I would probably choose free parks, museums etc instead to avoid an awkward confrontation

if I invite a family member for lunch I will always pay the bill. Likewise with an activity. Especially if it was my DM or MIL. Also if my DH wanted to pay for his DM I most certainly would not object as we all like to treat our parents occasionally. In fact I’d give anything to be able to enjoy going for lunch with my now late mother and cherish the moments we had days out. On saying that my DM treated my kids to days out lots of times so I suppose it was always give and take.

I’m wondering if OP makes these arrangements and her MIL just tags along as it’s been suggested or is there a joint discussion on it.

I love a car picnic!

@Starry4321

The fact that you have to pay for everything when you visit her makes it even worse imo

She is being tight