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Original poster

To tell daughter what boyfriend says when we’re alone

42 replies

Basilbrushed · 02/03/2025 18:02

Just need to put this out there and it’s a long one!

Daughter been with her boyfriend for a few years, I’ve really tried to like him but he’s given me so many reasons not to.
Daughter is vulnerable as she has adhd and anxiety and I think she’s been manipulated by him.
He’s pushed his way into my home and moved in despite not been invited or wanted. He contributes nothing financially and doesn’t help with anything around the home. I’m a single parent with chronic health conditions and autism so I’m not very assertive.
I was warned about him not being a good person by someone that knows him well and my daughter didn’t like him prior to them getting together. He had a very dysfunctional childhood and is a complex person
I think he’s been love bombing and controlling her and he’s made her so reliable on him I can’t see her ever leaving him. He’s moulded himself into a different person, mimicking all her interests and beliefs when they were completely different before. All his ex girlfriends were ‘mental’ according to him and one even ended up being sectioned but now I can see it’s all classic abuse/manipulation behaviour
However he can’t mask all the time and the veil slips when he’s alone with me. He’s said things to me about her which I think he’s does to try and cause friction between us but it doesn’t work as we’ve always been close (I think he’s jealous of the life I’ve given her compared to his)
He doesn’t look after my property either and has damaged many things around the home.
There has been so many other incidents I could mention but this would be even longer if I mentioned them all!

The comments this week alone include- he built a shed for them to smoke in (paid by me) I said I could do with another one to put my stuff in, to which he replied I wouldn’t build another one as it’s not for me.( He’s a builder and this is one of the few things he’s done around the house.
He’s done no diy whatsoever and will watch me struggle to do things by myself despite me being unwell)
I’ve been really suffering with h deliberating migraines and might have a serious brain condition which I’m waiting for a brain scan.
He was mocking me about it and saying stupid things like I’ve caused it myself. I was so shocked I just laughed
Both times my daughter was in her room so doesn’t hear these things

I snapped yesterday as the bathroom sink has been blocked for 2 weeks and I’ve asked him to unblock it nearly daily. I ended up watching a YouTube video and dismantled it myself and fixed it but I can see now that he only does things that are for his benefit.
His hygiene is disgusting and I repeatedly have to tell him not to cough and spit his phlegm in the kitchen sink and again this week I can hear him doing it again

I told my daughter they have to go and live at his mothers house yesterday as I can’t put up with him anymore.
I haven’t told my daughter any of the many comments he’s made when we’re alone as I don’t want to look like the bad one who’s trying to split them up but am I doing the right thing?Should I be honest with her?

My daughter hates going to his mother’s place as she’s horrible and the house is filthy and hoarded . I’m worried it’s going to effect t her fragile mental health being there permanently.
Have I done the wrong thing? Should I be keeping her close to monitor the situation?
she’s changed so much since being with him, she’s used to be so cheery and happy and he’s sucked the life out of her…
I know she’s not blameless in all of this but she is so naive and all her other boyfriends have been lovely, I don’t think she recognises the abuse or realises she’s been love bombed into being so reliant on him.

just to add -we live in a popular area with no rental properties so they can’t find their own place

Thank you for reading 🙏

OP posts:
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kiwiane · 03/03/2025 20:43

Just ask him to leave and not to visit - I can’t see how he’s making things better for your daughter.

User7288339 · 03/03/2025 20:39

Wow you're the adult here,
What kind of an example are you setting for your daughter not having good boundaries in place and letting you and your home be treated like that?
It's time to woman up and ask him to leave.
Can't believe you've let it get to this point.

Rulerflex · 03/03/2025 07:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

healthybychristmas · 02/03/2025 22:21

Oh my God, why did you say she had to go and live with his mother? Just tell him to get out of the house. It'll do your daughter so much good to be free of him.

NewMarmiteJar · 02/03/2025 22:10

Do you have anyone you can call on to act as a physical presence whilst you ask him to leave, a family member or neighbour?

I don't think some pp understand how intimidating a situation like this can be.

I would recommend informing the police as a defensive measure should this individual become threatening in any way.

Elsvieta · 02/03/2025 21:59

Throw him out today. Where he goes is his problem; whether your daughter goes with him is her choice. Most likely she will stay with you and soon come to realize she's happier without him. This is the way to split them up. Even if she goes with him for a while, as long as she knows she can return to you (and he can't), it'll be making it easy for her to end it.

Maitri108 · 02/03/2025 20:43

I'm sorry to hear about this and your health conditions. It must be very difficult for you.

You need him to leave and I would get advice from a domestic abuse organisation on how to do that safely. You could contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline or you local DV organisation.

The way to go about it is to tell him to leave by a certain date. If they don't want to move out to his parents then spareroom.com has lots of rooms they can rent.

If he refuses to move out on the set date then you need to contact the police and ask for assistance.

I would let your daughter know that she can stay but that her boyfriend is no longer welcome in the house. If she asks why then tell her.

They are both taking advantage of you OP. Neither are paying rent and your daughter is perfectly aware of how her boyfriend is treating your home and items. She's not replacing them either.

bevm72yellow · 02/03/2025 20:42

Are you worried about the backlash from him by moving/ pushing him out? Some male relatives when you tell him will be useful. He is a bully.

Toddlerteaplease · 02/03/2025 20:13

HE has to go. Your daughter does not.

Spondoolies · 02/03/2025 20:10

Covertly record any interactions with him

carly2803 · 02/03/2025 19:54

wtf - no HE leaves - SHE stays with you?>

why do they both have to go?

phone 999 if he gets aggressive - and do not let him in your house again

Endofyear · 02/03/2025 19:51

Tell your daughter he has to go but that you want her to stay. Tell her that he is an abusive arsehole who will ruin her life. Really, this is too important for you to pussyfoot around. You're her mother - it's your job to protect her! Do whatever you have to do to get her away from this man. Do you have a large male friend or family member who can be present when you tell him to pack his stuff and leave immediately?

Yellowink · 02/03/2025 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Emonade · 02/03/2025 19:40

Basilbrushed · 02/03/2025 18:02

Just need to put this out there and it’s a long one!

Daughter been with her boyfriend for a few years, I’ve really tried to like him but he’s given me so many reasons not to.
Daughter is vulnerable as she has adhd and anxiety and I think she’s been manipulated by him.
He’s pushed his way into my home and moved in despite not been invited or wanted. He contributes nothing financially and doesn’t help with anything around the home. I’m a single parent with chronic health conditions and autism so I’m not very assertive.
I was warned about him not being a good person by someone that knows him well and my daughter didn’t like him prior to them getting together. He had a very dysfunctional childhood and is a complex person
I think he’s been love bombing and controlling her and he’s made her so reliable on him I can’t see her ever leaving him. He’s moulded himself into a different person, mimicking all her interests and beliefs when they were completely different before. All his ex girlfriends were ‘mental’ according to him and one even ended up being sectioned but now I can see it’s all classic abuse/manipulation behaviour
However he can’t mask all the time and the veil slips when he’s alone with me. He’s said things to me about her which I think he’s does to try and cause friction between us but it doesn’t work as we’ve always been close (I think he’s jealous of the life I’ve given her compared to his)
He doesn’t look after my property either and has damaged many things around the home.
There has been so many other incidents I could mention but this would be even longer if I mentioned them all!

The comments this week alone include- he built a shed for them to smoke in (paid by me) I said I could do with another one to put my stuff in, to which he replied I wouldn’t build another one as it’s not for me.( He’s a builder and this is one of the few things he’s done around the house.
He’s done no diy whatsoever and will watch me struggle to do things by myself despite me being unwell)
I’ve been really suffering with h deliberating migraines and might have a serious brain condition which I’m waiting for a brain scan.
He was mocking me about it and saying stupid things like I’ve caused it myself. I was so shocked I just laughed
Both times my daughter was in her room so doesn’t hear these things

I snapped yesterday as the bathroom sink has been blocked for 2 weeks and I’ve asked him to unblock it nearly daily. I ended up watching a YouTube video and dismantled it myself and fixed it but I can see now that he only does things that are for his benefit.
His hygiene is disgusting and I repeatedly have to tell him not to cough and spit his phlegm in the kitchen sink and again this week I can hear him doing it again

I told my daughter they have to go and live at his mothers house yesterday as I can’t put up with him anymore.
I haven’t told my daughter any of the many comments he’s made when we’re alone as I don’t want to look like the bad one who’s trying to split them up but am I doing the right thing?Should I be honest with her?

My daughter hates going to his mother’s place as she’s horrible and the house is filthy and hoarded . I’m worried it’s going to effect t her fragile mental health being there permanently.
Have I done the wrong thing? Should I be keeping her close to monitor the situation?
she’s changed so much since being with him, she’s used to be so cheery and happy and he’s sucked the life out of her…
I know she’s not blameless in all of this but she is so naive and all her other boyfriends have been lovely, I don’t think she recognises the abuse or realises she’s been love bombed into being so reliant on him.

just to add -we live in a popular area with no rental properties so they can’t find their own place

Thank you for reading 🙏

Get some advice from women’s aid on talking to her about it and try everything you can to get her away from him do not make her move in to his mothers house

PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 02/03/2025 19:38

I don't understand why you haven't kicked him out, I'm not sure I'd let him set foot in my home

FluffyDashhound · 02/03/2025 19:37

I am not easily manipulated now!!

Sassybooklover · 02/03/2025 19:37

This man isn't just controlling your daughter, he's also controlling you too. You say this man, just moved himself into your home, uninvited, yet you've gone along with it! He knows you won't confront him, so he's taken full advantage of that fact. He knows he can get away with paying no rent, being lazy around the house, speaking to you like crap, because you say nothing. I'm afraid you are going to have to tell this man to leave, if you don't then he will still be there in another years time. If you're worried, is there another male that could be there with you? As for your daughter, you need an honest conversation with her, you make it plain that he will be told to leave immediately, but this is her home and she isn't being asked to leave. Unfortunately, his hold might be that strong, she doesn't believe what you say and/or she decides to move out with him. You can't stop that, all you can do is make it known you love her, you'll be there for her any time and she is always welcome in your home.

FluffyDashhound · 02/03/2025 19:36

I have adhd and was simular to your daughter methylphenidate massively helped me get her to consider meds x

TagSplashMaverick · 02/03/2025 19:26

He’s abusing two very vulnerable women, by the sound of it.

He needs to get out. Phone the police if you have to, he’s damaging your stuff.

But try to protect your daughter and keep her at home, why you’d force her to go with him is beyond me.

TequilaNights · 02/03/2025 19:25

Yabu in saying they need to go.
Change it to HE needs to go home, then Yanbu

ItGhoul · 02/03/2025 19:19

How old is your daughter?

You and your daughter are both being bullied and abused by this man in your own home. You have let that happen. You now need to deal with the problem for both your sakes. I appreciate that you are ‘not assertive’ but you have now managed to say he/they need to leave.

Do not make your daughter leave with him, for god’s sake. And of course you should bloody tell her about his behaviour when she’s not there. You’re endangering her by keeping quiet.

This whole situation sounds dangerously close to cuckooing.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuckooing

ChangingHistory · 02/03/2025 19:17

What I am hearing from PP is 'stop being Autistic and deal with this'. If only it was that easy, I understand how this could happen.

However, he does need to move out. Do you have anyone who can support you in this? It's pretty likely that even when you get him out hell move back in so you'll need help to stay on top of it - maybe a rule with your daughter that he can never stay 2 nights in a row or similar.

You know your daughter, be careful not to overwhelm her but tell her you don't think he's good for her and he needs to move out but you respect her decision if she remains with him.

JoyDreamer86 · 02/03/2025 19:16

Has there not recently been some change in the law to specifically include cuckooing? So therefore get police involved if he wont leave if you are both vulnerable people.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/03/2025 19:12

BoredZelda · 02/03/2025 19:06

Did everyone miss this? I’m a single parent with chronic health conditions and autism so I’m not very assertive.

Has nobody heard of cukooing? Picking vulnerable people and moving in with them. It isn't just about establishing a drug den or other criminal activity, it can also be done when someone wants a place to stay. OP being blamed for letting it happen, ignores the fact she is quite a vulnerable person.

@Basilbrushed Ask him to leave, preferably with someone you can ask to be there for backup. If he won't go, call the police. But, you do need to get your daughter on side if possible because you really don't want her to go with him.

Agreed, I can't believe people posting here, the op is vulnerable herself, these people get targeted for the abuse of any resource they have.

Op do you have anyone around you that could come help you get rid of him? Just make sure your DD knows she is more than welcome to stay but he needs to leave.

Notsosure1 · 02/03/2025 19:12

cocoromo · 02/03/2025 19:06

He’s pushed his way into my home and moved in despite not been invited or wanted.

sorry what? You lost me here……..how is this even possible?

It’s possible if you’re vulnerable, a single woman with debilitating health problems, autism and you’re intimidated by a younger male with a bad reputation.

Everyone telling OP she needs to tell him to go - as if it’s that’s simple - and call the police - who will presumably be there as back up the second she puts down the phone? What is she meant to do to defend herself against a likely un-hinged, unpredictable, aggressive, young man in the meantime on her own exactly?