Found awful messages from older boy on DD(14)’s phone – WWYD?

Print the conversation (more than one copy).
Sit down with your dd and explain/out line all the red flags; the love bombing sections, gaslighting sections, demeaning sections and pressure tactics.
While exploring how she feels and what she thinks explain how and why the “relationship” and even communications are unhealthy short term and long term.
Ask her if she has the strength and support to block and stay away from him? Meanwhile assist her with blocking him, set up outings and keep her busy for the next few weeks.
Get some relationship books appropriate for her age.

Not romantic in nature but in middle school my DD was friends with a girl that was just a bully. I don’t know what was going on in her life but I honestly have never seen a young girl so aggressive - I still think about her sometimes. It was just a lot for her age.

I saw their messages on FB (my DD had a small, private account that I checked often so she could stay in touch with family), blocked her, contacted her mother and the teachers and explained why I didn’t want them being friends. She tried a couple times but then finally got the hint.

My daughters are in their 50s now, so the situation doesn’t apply to me. However, I have been thinking about this and I would certainly have wanted access to my child’s phone if it had been a thing then. Back then, things weren’t so bad for teens, but now, it’s a scary world and I for one, applaud any parent who does whatever they feel they need to do to keep their child safe.
I would be terrified to be a parent of a teenager nowadays.

The this is abuse series of adverts on YouTube could also be helpful. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zOLAelTPs6c

Leics Police made a film - Kayleigh’s Love Story. It’s beyond sobering and ended in Kayleigh’s rape and murder.
Please watch it and get your dd to watch it too. Look online, it’s readily available. It is a true event of a girl love bombed, innocent and naive.
Sorry if this is upsetting. It’s been shown in lots of schools and should be shown in every school.

I'd be going to go the school, safeguarding and blocking him.in her phone, and all other platforms. This is actually really frightening. She's 14. Has she told you about him all?

Screenshot and keep all the messages. Send them to safeguarding leads at his college and her school (cc them both in). Tell him he’s breaking the law by pursuing her when she’s underage and to leave her alone or you’ll call the police. Block him on her phone and tell her that’s what you’ve done.

Yes, do it.

They have the expertise. Bring in school, police, and follow their advice. If that includes a referral to Social Services for support, accept it and don't feel that it reflects on you.

As a responsible parent you are doing what you need to do to keep your child safe. There are people out there with relevant expertise.

If she was diagnosed with a medical condition you would follow professional advice.

This 100%

I would do it all- contact his parents, the police and her school and his. And I would give her a firm talk about how wrong this is. She is also a child so what is she doing with boyfriends etc. tell her this is a good example of why she shouldn't be having relationships now as she is far too young to know what's right and wrong. I would make this a very big thing so that she too gets the message how wrong this situation is and she stays out of relationships for a long time.

The 'relationship' ends today - I think you need to make that clear to your daughter. This isn't a situation where she gets to choose how to handle it. As well as blocking him, I would tell him in no uncertain terms that he cannot contact your daughter again. You should seriously consider contacting the police, his parents / school too as I doubt very much that this is the first time he has displayed this behaviour.

Others have given great advice already. One thing I'd add is that your DD school should contact you immediately if she doesn't turn up for a lesson in case she's slipped out of school.
Can you track her on her phone/air tag etc? Not ideal but perhaps necessary?

Contact the police. At best he's grooming her and attempting to have sex with a child, which is obviously a very serious offence. Talk to her about the messages to explain why his behaviour is inappropriate. An uncomfortable conversation is the best outcome from this situation, better for her to learn through this experience than learn through a more serious one.

OP, with respect, don't just consider it. Do it! Coercive control is a crime and your daughter is also extra vulnerable with her being underage. You need to safeguard her then deal with th fall out later.

That's worrying OP. That's how people behave who go on to commit crimes against girls. I'd consider logging with the police in case telling him to stop doesn't work.

Could you watch a documentary or something similar together as a way in? There will be lots on Tou Tube x

From my experience as both a secondary school pupil in the last century and as a secondary school teacher, I'm always wary of situations where the boy in a school relationship is two years older than the girl. Two years is quite a gap at that age and - as with adults where there's a substantial age gap - grooming and coercive control is often involved.

I recall one lad at my school in the '70s who was in a perfectly normal (I think) relationship with his girlfriend in fifth year at our Scottish secondary school. His girlfriend left for uni at the end of fifth yr (common in those days).

In sixth yr, he started going out with a 4th yr. Then we noticed the bruises. We tried to encourage her to break up with him, but she wouldn't. I often wonder what became of her.

I don’t know whether this is good or bad advice, but I would record a video call to him, and when he answers I would absolutely tear strips off him.

A couple of screenshots back to him of him being abusive and then tell him to never message her, never call her, never speak to her unless he’s ready to have it all blow up in his abusive face.

Totally agree with @Arrivals4lucky Zero tolerance on this as she is too young to understand the implications or handle it herself.

He needs to know his behaviour is completely unacceptable and hopefully he won’t go on to harass other (underage) girls.

do you watch telly together? The newest series of Waterloo Road has a coercive relationship as the central story line. Could be worth giving it a watch together to prompt the conversations.

Contact women’s aid for support. Speak to your dd and tell her you have seen the messages and that he is a bad man to have in her life.

how this isn’t a healthy relationship and WILL ONLY GET WORSE. She is at risk, fuck YOU are at risk too if you have seen the crossbow murders? You have all the evidence you need.

I wouldn’t contact his school for now, just focus on her, her safety, tell her school. Change her tel number and get her to change all socials and emails and block him on everything

keep the police and his school etc in your back pocket for now and see what woman’s aid advises.

they can speak to her on speakerphone with you (or without) if that helps her see that her relationship is toxic and dangerous

this ends today.

I would be removing the phone entirely for a few weeks.

I would also be explaining to her about abusers and their behaviour that hooks in women then stops them from leaving.

I would also be contacting him and telling him on no uncertain terms he is never to contact your daughter again or the police will be involved due to her age.

I would also speak to the school.

It’s disturbing that they start so young following the pattern of abusive behaviour. How do they know ? Is it learned from a parental figure ?

I do know of someone about 19 who abused his gf and it was absolutely learned behaviour from his father. Carbon copy of how he treated the mother.

So, I’d highly recommend she follows Lalalaletmeexplain on Instagram. The content is, and can be quite adult, but your daughter is in that stage of life where she is experiencing adult situations and would benefit from perspective. Perhaps seeing some of the content and scenarios other people experience, and the responses / advice / guidance might empower her to see her own position differently.

That said, this boy is 17, controlling and your daughter is still very much a child at 14. He has sought her out for a reason, and it’s not her personality. This boy could have any girl his own age but he wants someone he can control. I think as her parent you do need to intervene here - but I have no advice on how.

Could you first have a more general chat with her about controlling behaviour etc and what it might look like and ask if she's ever had any concerns?