Pregnant at the same time as my mum – feeling weird about it!

Congratulations.

Same thing happened a friend of mine at 21, her mum was 41 and both were unexpected.

She was beyond disgusted at the time but it worked out really well, especially with join babysitting so each of them could have a break. Both has girls and they have always been best friends.

I'd feel weird about it too. But from your OP and subsequent posts, I can't help but feel that the reason you are feeling like this is because you envisage less childcare and "support " from your mum, and its not necessarily the uncle and nephew/niece both sitting their SATS at the same time dynamics. You should be independent and try and raise your children by yourselves, not expecting help from family and friends. Millions of women have done it. It's quite pathetic that you selfishly want your mum for "support" and to just "be granny" which I am guessing is the euphemism these days for childcare.

A friend of mine had a (surprise) baby when she was 50. Her daughter had one at a similar time and my friend ended up looking after two babies when her daughter went back to work.

I can see how this could be tricky for you, particularly at the newborn stage where your mum won't necessarily be the doting granny you were hoping for. But it might be fun to be on maternity leave at the same time - your mum is so young that I'm assuming she would otherwise have been working. Maternity leave can be pretty lonely so having her around will be lovely! And I'm sure the babies will have a lovely close bond. Then when they are older you may well both have a childcare solution as it can be easier to look after 2 than 1 if they are good playmates

🤣

I agree with you.

I know people on MN like to pretend that it's perfectly normal to have a kid at 45, but it isn't.

I don't blame OP for feeling like she feels.

Since she was TTC, didn't you think this would be a possibility?

You could've waited if you thought it would be too weird but your mum is obviously running out of time.

Your mum can be excited for her own baby and be excited for yours too, it doesn't have to take the shine off of anything.

Yep, my grandfather was 1 year older than his aunt. My great grandmother was the oldest of 11, with a 23 year age gap between her and her youngest sibling.

Looking on the bright side, it’ll be lovely for your baby to have such a close relative of much the same age. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I think your mum is making it weirder than it needs to be and should be being a bit more sensitive to be honest.

I think your feelings are valid and you don't need to "grow up". Personally, I'd feel the need to grieve the mother daughter relationship that you may have expected through pregnancy, and grieve that this process isn't just about the excitement of you and your baby anymore, which as selfish as it sounds, is one of the joys of pregnancy. In saying that, I imagine in time, this unexpected dynamic will become your normal, and you wouldn't be able to imagine, nor wish that it was different once babies are here.

I was a gm at 37 and had my last at 40 (!) I've now got 4 grandchildren and look after them, do school runs together with my youngest. It works perfectly. Is it weird? Maybe, but it is how it is and completely normal to us.

I'm a grandmother to young children & I love it. My role is to support my children & grandchildren not to act like someone who due to age has no other interest in life. The days of Grannies Sitting at the fire knitting have long gone. If mothers with grown-up children in their 40s go on to have another child, well done.

How far along are you both OP? It’ll probably feel less weird after a little while

Only in recent, post war/post pill, generations would this be unusual.

@mgh663 I would hate that!! you will feel that she will never be a real granny to your child and she will be too busy with her baby to ooh and aah over yours! as for being bump buddies, dont even go there! I think she is off her head to have a baby at her age when she already has adult children. even a 17 year old would cringe being told they were getting a wee brother or sister!

And I suppose selfishly, I worry that my pregnancy/baby won’t feel as special because she’ll be going through it all too.

With all due respect you need to grow up. Congratulations on your baby.

I had a friend in this (your mum's) situation.

Sadly the daughter miscarried so their babies weren't born at the same time, but her gc is only 2 years younger than her youngest dd. They are very, very close and she has done a lot of childcare for her dd, more than most of the grans I know who were totally over the baby phase by the time their gc were born.

I myself had two uncles younger than me (from step gran, not gran). We were great buddies when we were young, and again my step gran did loads of childcare for my mum.

I understand your viewpoint OP but I’m also delighted for your mum. I think that this family could look really lovely a year from now.

Maybe discourage her from the “bump buddy” nonsense though. She’s your parent not your friend. You’ll make your own buddies via antenatal classes, as will she. There does need to be a boundary set here I think.

Having aunts/uncles that were younger than you was fairly common until the WW2. As if you parents had say 11 children with a 22-24 year gap between oldest and youngest, the eldest 2-3 children would be parents themselves before their youngest siblings were born.

I know my one GGGPs had 16 children in 22 years (biggest gap was 20 months) and two were born after my GGF got married and had 3 children himself. My DGF was the youngest and his eldest niece was born 3 years after he was born.

My DM went to school with a girl who gave birth to her eldest child on the same day her mum gave birth to her youngest child. In the same ward too. Mum's friend was 19 and mum was 37/38.

Your feelings are totally valid; I would find this very strange too.

Not everything is black and white and it's perfectly normal/acceptable to be happy for your mum but not entirely happy about the situation.

As someone else said, perhaps ask her not to refer to you as her 'bump buddy' (or just don't engage with it until she gets the idea).

You’ll probably be glad. It’s an instant friend for your baby and someone to do mum things with.

I can understand how you feel OP. It is an unusual set-up. I can see why you think it would take the shine off your pregnancy somewhat. Who is due first?

I think it's going to be tricky once the babies are born: New mothers like to swap tips and advice: You may find that she likes to tell you what to do (as she's your mum), whilst not taking you seriously when you want to advise her.

There will also be tension when she does things with your new brother or sister that you know don't work, as you lived through them. My mum and I have very different parenting styles and this has caused a bit of disagreement, as I have done a much better job than her. I can't imagine how it would be as a grown-up watching her do that shit to a younger brother or sister. I'd have to step in.

"Bump buddies": what even is that????

To clarify: it's not that unusual a situation, but I understand why the OP feels weird about it.

I miscarried around the same time that my stepdaughter gave birth. (First marriage for me.) It was early on, so I didn't tell folk until much later. (By then, the SD's child was about 3 months old - I'd just had a laparoscopy.)

The stepdaughter's partner had adult children from his first relationship, so I guess that the SD wasn't in a position to make comments about my unsuccessful pregnancy, but there was definitely a "vibe" when I told her. I can totally understand why anyone would feel discomfited by their parent having a second family.

Actually, it's just dawned on me that the SD didn't commiserate with me on the pregnancy loss... (NB DH's first marriage broke up because of his ex's OM.)

So...to sum up: the OP isn't being unreasonable - she can control how she behaves around people, but she can't control how she feels.