Pregnant at the same time as my mum – feeling weird about it!

Sorry Wildflower, confused you with Arcticpanda there.

My comparison was about a young parent such as OP's mum the first time around, not a 35 year old.

45 isn't too old. Sure, the risks are higher but plenty of women that age also don't miscarriage and go on to have healthy babies so the risk is clearly worth it for some.

Yes! 😁

Clearly not ‘forced’- whatever that means- if she’s actually pregnant. And I didn’t say it was ageist either. You’re making the assumption that ‘She will probably rely on you babysitting rather than the other way round’. Just because you haven’t got the energy doesn’t mean that the OP’s mother hasn’t. Judgemental.

I wouldn't like it either. It feels a bit like you've been robbed of the grandmother experience for your first baby and all that help that a great mum can be when her daughter becomes a mum herself for the first time.

I know it's not a god given right that you would have all that, and your mum has a life of her own but I completely understand why you'd feel miffed and a bit strange about it all.

Is it factual that a 45 year old is significantly more likely to be in a stable relationship and earning more than a 35 year old?

45 is too old. Your eggs are literally dying at that point, perimenopause is approaching if it hasn’t already arrived, and the odds of miscarriage are very very high. I don’t think an extra £2000 a year or something is going to make it a better option.

It’s only very recently that this has become less common, although I know women who have had babies in both their teens and their 40s.
My great grandfather was younger than several of his nephew and nieces, as his older sister , born a year after his parents married at 21, had babies before he was born, (when my great grandmother was around 44). This was normal and expected pre the pill.
It is normal to feel a bit jealous of the attention a new baby will get, especially when there has been a big gap, but this will be a new sibling for you OP, and the babies will grow up together and hopefully be close all their lives, there are pluses as well as minuses. Also your Mum as an experienced mother will be able to show you things and still be there to support you, she won’t stop being your Mum too.

Yet we have so many 50+,60+70+ year olds just "being granny" aka childcare to 5+ year olds and younger. I am sure if people can look after their grandchildren when they are 60+, people will be able to look after their own kids at 50 (bar ill-health of course)

It’s factual. Not always of course but it’s more likely.

Just as it’s more likely age comes with financial stability as well.

Not always, outliers do exist but they are just that, outliers.

Don't be so vile, you need counselling having that attitude to hearing about a much wanted pregnancy. That's OP's sibling you are talking about!

Why, because she’s older? A lot of the older mums I know are trapped in bad relationships that they rushed into at 38 because they felt it was their last chance. This assumption that older equals more stable relationship is nonsensical.

People are being very hard on you, OP, but you're entitled to your feelings. It sounds like you've been nothing but supportive to your mum, and came here looking for a space to work through your own feelings without hurting her. You've tied yourselves in knots explaining how happy you are for her. If PP choose not to see that and to tar you as an ungrateful daughter not letting your mum "live her own life", well that's on them.

I think most of us understood what you meant when you said you were hoping to have a mum in "grandma mode" during your first pregnancy. It's an overwhelming time, and many women do want to be able to lean on their mum. The kind of relationship you have with her now - "bump buddies" - is more like two friends going through it together. It's not the same.

You're not going to be able to let go and lean on her completely if it all gets too much. You're tired? Well, she's tired too, and older mums always feel it more, so best keep it to yourself and not complain. In your shoes, I would definitely find myself holding back, and serving as more of a support for my mum than the other way around.

Your mum doesn't have to live her life entirely for you, but it's natural to feel you've lost out on something.

I know a lady who had a15yr old and 6yr old. She came into work one day very upset as 15yr was expecting. We calmed her down and got her in a good place.
About 3 days later back she came sobbing about the baby. We were like yeah we know but it will be ok but she was sobbing because she had just found out she was expecting again! Not planned.
Both had great pregnancies. Daughter had her baby 3 weeks before the mum had hers so the niece was born before her aunty!
I know several people where aunties/uncles are younger than niece / nephews .

I had my children in my 40s and love having teenagers now. Women have always had babies in their mid forties.

I’ll bet OP’s mum is in a much better position in multiple ways than she was when she got pregnant with OP and likely will actually experience a stable relationship too. Plenty of positives that she less likely experienced at a younger age.

All positives for a baby too.

How far along are you both? Your mum has a mich higher chance of mc etc

I'm so glad my 44 year old Mum took the gamble 🙄

My parents had been married 22 years before she became pregnant with me, presumably they shouldn't have bothered if some of the comments on here are anything to go by.

People are entitled to have children when they want, but OP is not unreasonable to find it weird. No matter what age you are, your parent having another child brings up all sorts of feelings. It doesn't matter if you're 2, 12, or 42. Your parent is your parent and it's natural to have feelings about a sibling and a parent being pregnant. Your feelings are your feelings and there's no such thing as them being wrong!

Think of it this way though OP, your child will have a ready made bestie to grow up with.

I have a niece who is older than me 🤣 I'm 31, and have 3 half brothers. One is 41, and the other two are late 50's. My dad was 49 with fully grown children and a grandchild (my niece!) when he had me. It never felt weird growing up. My eldest brothers are more like uncles though, and I don't feel like a typical auntie to that niece, so it does change the dynamic.

People have all kinds of family dynamics and when it's here you will love your mum's baby, and she will love yours, don't doubt that :) but it's okay that it feels weird!

This is the plot of Father of the Bride 2!

I'm same age, do school runs and work too. I am a grandma and I don't like knitting😁

If you ever watch ‘kids and counting’ the Radford family have lots of kids younger than their grandchildren and the mum has been pregnant at the same time as a daughter many times .

In fairness, I think that the 4 years of motherhood are what age you dramatically! My good friends from the baby days are 10 years older than me. In pregnancy, there was little difference between us, health wise. Now 5 years into motherhood, we're all feeling it ! Hitting 45 without ever having had a sleepless year is very different from 45 and 15 years of child reading under your belt.

This
I can understand why you feel as you do OP.
Take care and I'm sure your feelings will settle as time goes by.
You have every right to feel as you do.
Congratulations to you and your husband

Completely understand why you feel that way OP.

Im guessing you knew she was TTC before you got pregnant? So you knew it was a possibility and not too much of a shock.

I know somebody this happened to but she was well into her pregnancy and was completely shocked when her mum announced her own pregnancy. It did completely change the dynamic and the way she thought things would be- realistically the grandparent experience it is going to be very very different when your mum has her own newborn to look after. She did once say to me she’ll never quite forgive her mum and it’s created a bit of a strain, but it is what it is and her DC has grown up close to her sibling- sort of like cousins rather than uncle and nephew.