Ruining our daughters holiday

Well done op!

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there. It’s a big adjustment when they go abroad for the first time, even when they haven’t had a horrible incident like spiking happen to them!

You do get used to though and you don’t worry as much.

Also, many of us have dhs who distract or reassure us, but yours seems to be doing the opposite! A very good idea to go out and focus on other things for a while ; hope you have a great afternoon!

OP I think you have to tell yourself that no news is good news. Presumably at least one of her friends has your number, so you know that if there are any problems they’ll contact you. So with every hour that passes and you hear nothing, you know she’s fine.
Also, does she post on Instagram? That might be a way you can see she’s fine without contacting her directly.

If I was her I would have blocked you.

Please please do not ask her for nightly / daily updates and reassurance. She is with friends who have proved themselves sensible and responsible.

A 19 yo should be able to enjoy an independent holiday, message normally and spontaneously if they want to send you a picture or something, without the burden of managing your worry.

You have been selfish. It isn’t ok to excuse this with being ‘caring’.

But I hope you are feeling reassured that you can calm down and all have a good week.

Your DD sounds lovely , she has good friends , has made the decision to go on holiday so getting on with her life and enjoying it .

And ....she's sent you a very positive message - with hearts so you know you;re out of the doghouse !

It is hard . My DC are adults and I worried about both ( as men can be spiked too) .

My friend's daughter was spiked on a night out. She's a police officer.
Fortunately, like your daughter, she has good friends, they realised what had happened, and looked after her.
You can't do any more than you've done, and l imagine she's anxious enough without your input, understandable as it is.
As PP have said, if this carries on it's going to seriously affect your relationship with her. Trust her and her friends and let her enjoy what's left of her holiday.

Good grief. What would you be like if she went away to uni?

You have to try and back off OP; if you carry on it will actually just drive her away. She’s having a holiday and her parents are hounding her with a traumatic memory!

Of course you’re worried but trust me, once something like that happens to you you are so vigilant about it. It sounds like she has a great group of friends too, who acted so quickly at the time, so she’s with good people!
Why not try a daily check in; it’s been a long time now but I used to send a quick ‘morning, all fine’ text home and then another in the evening. Try and stop any negativity coming through, lots of ‘have a great time!’s is what she needs!!

I'm sure it's not as easy as the ppl on here are making out. Hope youre all ok!! You too op. If someone did that to my child I'd find it hard to not worry all the time too. You're a good mum and I'm sure now your daughter has spoken to you, you will back off. You're clearly listening to her so give yourself a break . Your daughter knows you love her. Talk thru your worries with your husband when you're feeling anxious and im certain you'll figure it out. Wishing you all the best and wishing the safety of everyone out there with regards to this disgusting spiking of drinks situation.

Tell her to text you twice a day, to prevent the contract from you. Just 'OK', in the morning when she wakes up and at night when she goes to bed. And don't contact her yourselves. But warn her that if she does not do that, you will be bothering her friends via texts or phone calls - usually the prospect of being embarrassed like that works like a dream and she will text you twice a day

Your daughter is getting on with her life after an awful experience. Be proud that you brought her up to be resilient and strong and respect the fact that she is rebuilding her life and is moving on.

She has learnt from the experience, and you should too, your lessons are that you have to realise you can’t protect her from every eventuality and that she can manage her own life and problems.

Your feelings are understandable but your actions are not. It is not for her to deal with your feelings in this situation. She is trying to move on and you are stuck in the past incident. All of this is understandable but I can see how she will feel traumatised by you trying to drag her back to where you are. Have you thought about getting some counselling to talk through what happened before?

This.

She has told you very clearly that you are ruining her holiday.

Your daughter is not there to manage your anxieties for you. That is your job. What do you think you're doing to her anxiety levels by mithering her constantly?!

Find something to do so you're not constantly thinking about it and stop texting your daughter.

Hi op. I can identify with the worry as it’s a new stage of life when they go travelling with friends but you have to trust them. And you do get used to it. I felt terribly anxious when one of my DDs travelled long haul the first time she did it. She did it again last year and I was fine. So you do get used to this change.

Also, you don’t want to give them the impression that you don’t think that they are capable of looking after themselves. As that will undermine her own confidence.

I think you could try and keep in mind that the very friends she is on holiday with did the right thing when your daughter was in danger and are therefore very likely to do so again should the need arise. And odds are it probably won’t, especially as they will be very cautious now.

Also, I would use this as a catalyst to think now about your own life and maybe think about things that fulfil you and bring you happiness. This level of anxiety is not balanced and it would perhaps be beneficial to bring more enjoyable things in to your life? So you can occupy your mind with more positive thoughts ?

Finally, it’s unusual for both of you to have this level of high anxiety. I can appreciate it was very scary indeed for you to undergo that awful experience of seeing your dd in hospital like that - and thank heavens she was ok in the end - but it is more usual perhaps for men and women to deal with these things a bit differently. Was your dh over-protective before this incident I wonder?

I think acknowledging you are being ott is most important step. You just need to do whatever you need to do to prevent yourself texting. Meditate, distract yourself, text you dh instead and have a whinge about how hard it is. Anything apart from contacting dd.

As pp said she is with friends who did the right thing when she was spiked and after that happened I expect they have all become extra vigilant regarding drinks and anyone appearing spiked. I would probably say or write that to myself everytime I am tempted to text.

I am sure she is being very vigilant. She's with her friends and trying to have a nice holiday, but she can't do that if you are constantly messaging her. It won't achieve anything anyway, other than put your own minds at rest in that moment, so that makes it about you feeling better and not her. Probably if she doesn't reply you start worrying and messaging even more, or calling her?
Of course it's natural to be anxious but the fact that it happened before will be making her take a lot more care.

This

Think rationally - If she’s going to get spiked again then she’s going to get spiked again. You messaging her every 5 mins will not make a blind bit of difference to this.

Also, as @TooManyCupsAndMugs said, the fact it’s happened before is, in a way a good thing, as she will be hyper aware of it happening again (unlike my DD who only says “yeah yeah” when I tell her to watch her drinks 🙄).

Calm down, let her enjoy her holiday.

I understand, and have a lot of sympathy for you, but you must let her be.

The reason I rarely tell my mother if something goes wrong in my life is because if I do, I have to deal with her excessive reaction as well as my own stuff and it's just too hard.

I know it's difficult but try to support her and let her get on with her life rather than forcing her to support you. Look to others for your own needs.

which I think we probably are.

Probably- no, definitely. Your behaviour is totally over the top. You are damaging her long term MH, far more than the spiking would have done.

I'd suggest you both get hobbies as you're both clearly winding each other up into a spin. And get some therapy.

You know you're being unreasonable but haven't changed your behaviour.
If you carry on your daughter will block you & there will be a huge row when she gets home.
Then, moving forward, she may well take a big step back from your relationship & only share very basic information. Your relationship may take years to recover if you carry on damaging it.

Also your daughter deserves to enjoy herself, she is likely plagued by her own traumatic memories and having you call her every two minutes essentially saying “don’t forget, you’re a victim and bad things happened to you” is likely only re-traumatising her.

So, in essence, you are doing your daughter harm to make yourself feel better. Does that help you back off? I’m speaking as someone who has experiences similar to your daughter which have resulted in criminal conviction for the perpetrators. The very worst thing is people always talking to me about it. Am I okay, have I taken precautions, or even just “If that guy were here I’d punch him/I will keep you safe from danger” type talk ruins every night out I try and have. Please just leave her tf alone. She deserves a nice time more than anyone.

You need to pack it in and leave her alone. I get you're worried but you're going to ruin your relationship with her if you don't stop now.

I agree with PP

You are constantly reminding her of an awful experience thus ruining her happiness on this holiday

Get a grip and stop all communication

I agree with PP

You are constantly reminding her of an awful experience this ruing her happiness on this holiday

Get a grip and stop all communication