To wonder why a parent would intentionally ruin their child’s self esteem?

I don’t know why a parent would do this. They definitely see you as an extension of themselves. Mine was and still is, obsessed with what others think of her, way more than how I feel.

She now tries to dictate how my daughter is raised. My DD has more confident than me. I love watching her stand up for herself. I always back my DD. My mum gets really angry 🙈

I think lots aren’t thinking of the long term consequences.

I’ve never worked out why my mother singled me out. She told me she’d wanted a girl , was so happy when I was born but completely disappointed in me ( only she didn’t put it that politely) I think I was 5 at that time. At 6 they told me they could put me in a children’s home any time they wanted.
I can remember being gobsmacked at a friend’s house that her parents talked to her, not at her which was all I knew. And that she really loved her parents… mind blowing.
I lived on constant high alert as I never knew what was coming my way yet my brothers were treated kindly. Just after I got married ( as a teenager, my parents signed the papers quickly !) my parents won some money, not life changing but they made a big show of what they bought for my brothers and taking them abroad on holiday. I was ignored of course.

So I’ve still no idea @SchoolCert , something they hate in themselves they see in us? Or just nasty people? What blows my mind more than anything is my parents were allowed to long term foster a child and probably screwed up his life too. I’ve often wondered what happened to him.

2 things about my mother that don’t seem to fit the pattern of others experiences —- neither of my parents ever drank. And my mother especially raved on about her wonderful parents ( died before I was born) what a wonderful family they had, 4 happy children with their hardworking poor but loving parents. 🤷‍♀️

For my parents it was because they saw their children as property/extensions of themselves, not autonomous beings. It sounds like that wasn't uncommon from others on this thread!

My sister was much more like my mum naturally but I wasn't and had a hard time. Including:
Being told I was a disappointment/an embarassment and that she "didn't know where she went wrong with me".

Being told anything I liked or was interested in (which differed from her preferences) was "rubbish" and "a waste of time/money". She decided I should become a librarian and was furious that I didn't take her advice. I became a lawyer and am now a partner but she has barely acknowledged that because it still seems to offend her. (I've nothing against librarians but didn't want to be one.)

Thought I shouldn't speak up or advocate for myself. That was rude and selfish and i should know my place and put other people first. But she'd also be angry if I didn't succeed at job interviews etc (it's hard to sell yourself when you have no self esteem).

Would mock me when I had a boyfriend and would say "he's only going out with you because he can't get anyone better". I ended up vulnerable in some early relationships as I was so grateful/desperate for affection.

Would be visibly annoyed if I got spots because I "looked a mess".

Would tell me i "looked like a prostitute" if I wore make up or fashionable clothes - wanted me to emulate her style which was like a 1950s secretary.

I was supposed to be an enhanced version of her, basically.

Mine I think did it for a couple of reasons -

Her own self esteem was really low, and she used attack as the best form of defense. Eg she knew I was cleverer then her (academically) so called me a swot or a show off to hide her own insecurities

She saw anything that was different to her as a criticism, eg I chose not to wear make up and she always had a full face. So she'd criticise my looks because she felt affronted I didn't follow her lead

She saw anything similar as competition and had to put me down - we were both slim, she'd gloat if I was bigger than her

She was very bitter that she had been left as a single parent and hated my dad so would also criticise anything that she perceived as my dad's traits or looks (bad teeth, wearing glasses, personality)

She also had a drink problem and I think that made her bitterness and venom worse, I think she used to ruminate on all this stuff when drinking and feeling sorry for herself

It's shit, I don't have to worry about it now but only because she died young due to the drinking, so no winners. I haven't had children and I'm glad I haven't continued that cycle (obviously I hope if I had had them I would have found a different way!)

I got plenty of rants from my dad telling me everything I did I was doing the wrong way etc., all of it lies. I think:

1. My placid temperament probably spoke to parts of him he had suppressed in favour of the irascible front he presented.
2. I suspect sexual frustration, as I don't think my mum had anything like his sex drive. He had had affairs, but could not very well have them all the time.
3. His dad died in middle age without having made any provision for the possibility; the family was left destitute. 'Lay not up for yourselves treasure on earth...' was consequently not a maxim to appeal to him. That may be why he denounced as laziness my contemplative approach to life.

I try always to keep my temper, and I have never as an adult accused anyone of laziness.

@SchoolCert It sounds very tough living with an aggressive alcoholic, the trauma is horrendous.

OP thank you for responding to my post, I can tell that you are a lovely kind reassuring person, I have no advice about how you can heal, I wish you the best of luck, you're safe now.

There are obviously messed up mothers.
Your mother sounds like an alcoholic, unfortunately.
Did she have a supportive partner?
Was her childhood free from abuse?
Did she suffer mental illness? Treatment for meatal illness is very much improved.

It is really unfair that you suffered.

There are obviously messed up mothers.
Your mother sounds like an alcoholic, unfortunately.
Did she have a supportive partner?
Was her childhood free from abuse?
Did she suffer mental illness? Treatment for meatal illness is very much improved.

It is really unfair that you suffered.

My Dad was like this. He wanted to break me because his Dad did it to him and he grew up with very low self-esteem, however he became confident as an adult and did very well in life.
He didn't like who I was as a person and wanted to change it. He also has very severe anger issues that he hadn't ever addressed.

Bizarrely, it was something I saw while reading some literature about 'The Crown' series that gave me a different perspective.

Prince Philip had reasoned that he grew up tough, confident and 'hard' and this was a result of his Father's treatment of him. So he decided he had to do the same to Charles (sending to a tough school, being harsh on him etc), so that Charles would be like him when he grew up.

It didn't work.

Someone had written that they'd reasoned that Philip was always going to be a 'hard', confident character. That was who he was. He became that because it was already in him.

Charles wasn't and isn't that kind of character. It would never be in him. All that the treatment of him by Philip did was cause damage and resentment.
This is where me and my Dad are. I was never going to be loud or hard or any of that. I do not have it in my psychological make-up.

We don't speak now. All his abuse of me as a child did, is mean I avoided him. Our relationship is irreparable and this has hurt him deeply, ruined his life I'd say. He's very depressed. I do feel bad about it, but it isn't and wasn't my fault.

A waste of space i was according to my mum. Add in no attention, no caring and no (obvious) love. I grew up in a house of anger and stress. My mum told me on numerous occasions when I was a child that she would kill herself. Imagine that as a 10 year old.
I'm resentful as f*ck. Just accepted it as a child but as an adult it now affects me more than it ever did.

I start therapy next week.

My dad did it for power and control. No mystery there.

My mum was born in 1931 into a family where girls should be neither seen nor heard. She struggled hard with me, undiagnosed ADHD, loud and boisterous and with no desire whatever to be a hairdresser (my mother's chosen profession for me). She tried to turn me into a 'ladylike girl' which involved frequent chastisement and humiliation, telling to be quiet, to behave, not to 'backchat'. She did not succeed. I can only assume that she was doing her best to mold me into what SHE had always been taught was a good, marriageable girl.

She failed, by the way.

Projection? My mother used to accuse me (and a couple of others in the family) of being what she was or doing what she had done. It was bizarre.

I think fear and an inability to separate their child from themselves.

I could write a book about the horrible things my mum used to say to me.
One that always stood out was that I was never allowed to play with or go out with more than one friend at a time.
She used to say that if there was more than just 2 of us then I would always be left out because no one would chose to play with me if they had another option.
Her favourite threat was to say she would have me locked up in a children's home any time I didn't behave how she wanted.
Sometimes she would tell me a secret about another family member (for example their dad wasn't really their dad) and then tell me if I ever told anyone else she would beat the crap out of me and have me locked up.
I believed her because she was sent to a children's home when she was a child because her parents wanted to punish her.
I haven't spoken to her in 12 years.
Best 12 years of my life.

Well my recent ex. You tell me why a dad would encourage their child to become a cocaine addict. Because they are one aswell. When they were trying to live a life before this why he would try and successfully sleep with their gfs (not me) ones before or break up our relationship over the 3 years he tried everything and the only way he was successful was by encouraging him to be an addict nes had to move out as i just cant cope. Take half their wages weekly and then the days they got paid encouraged them to have the day of to take them to buy drugs, mess up all training courses i hellped get him.on, call.me fat and names im.not fat!!!, ring them 9 times per day pull them down, throw things at them when they at theirs. Anyways my ex appears to have a codependency relationship now with them always has and a significant trauma bond. His dad spent most of his childhood in prison so he doesn't owe him anything. Please help me answer this as I cannot grasp it neither or how to help without enabling. Some people are just raging narcs

My mum was born in 1931 into a family where girls should be neither seen nor heard. She struggled hard with me, undiagnosed ADHD, loud and boisterous and with no desire whatever to be a hairdresser (my mother's chosen profession for me). She tried to turn me into a 'ladylike girl' which involved frequent chastisement and humiliation, telling to be quiet, to behave, not to 'backchat'. She did not succeed. I can only assume that she was doing her best to mold me into what SHE had always been taught was a good, marriageable girl.

She failed, by the way.