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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder if 15 is too soon to have the relationship future talk?

65 replies

PrueD · 02/03/2025 08:07

Partner and I together 15 months, both early 30s. He is previously married and divorced after marrying his childhood sweetheart.

He has a career that often means moving around over the years is necessary. Currently we live 2.5 hours away and see each other for several days for every 2 weeks are each others homes. He spends time with my family and they love him too.

He said early on he’s open to kids or no kids. I felt the same. In a way I still feel like this, but leaning more towards to yes if I need to decide soon and at my age it does need to be decided soon.

Now I am at a life transition where I am looking for a new job. The last job was nearly 100% remote so I was at his home for weeks at a time but I don’t know what the next job will be (hybrid etc). I could take a job and then I’ll be 35 still in the same location not living together. He has never suggested moving in together.

He talks about in 10 or twenty years when together etc. In my heart I feel he’s the one but the fact he never raises the big issues makes me wonder. I also know 15 months isn’t long.

OP posts:
Astrak · 02/03/2025 11:58

In my opinion, your boyfriend is enjoying what's on offer now and is unlikely to change. He slides along with his "decision" by altering the time frames.

Time to give him his marching orders and end all forms of contact.

SnoopysHoose · 02/03/2025 11:45

So the conversation resolved nothing, I never understand this 'let's discuss in two weeks' nonsense.
He's wasting your time, he'll keep palming you off.
Next!

Original poster
PrueD · 02/03/2025 10:59

@AnnaMagnani thanks Anna. I do feel better and happier for having had the conversation. Reminds me of my own strength and ability to start afresh even if I don’t want to necessarily.

Also he is the type of guy where I’ll raise something, he absorbs it for about a week then takes action. Hopefully the conversation will go the way I want. Failing that, I know Ill be ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrueD · 02/03/2025 10:57

Doggymummar · 02/03/2025 10:46

Yeah, he's not interested but wants you to be the one to break up. Otherwise he would have brought up Rightmove and started looking.

not that simple tbh. Another factor is I own my home and he still rents.

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 02/03/2025 10:53

Yellowink · 02/03/2025 09:04

How old was he @ExtraOnions ?

Show quote history

40

AnnaMagnani · 02/03/2025 10:50

With my now DH I was in my late 30s and we were living in different countries. We still got married and made it work. I was also very clear that no marriage = relationship over.

If you want to have kids, he needs to be living with you and married to you soon. If he spends too long thinking about it then either he knows nothing about female fertility (very possible) and needs a wake up call, or you should move on.

Fingers crossed for you that your conversation in 2 weeks goes well, you've made it very clear what you are thinking.

Doggymummar · 02/03/2025 10:46

Yeah, he's not interested but wants you to be the one to break up. Otherwise he would have brought up Rightmove and started looking.

Original poster
PrueD · 02/03/2025 10:40

I do think if I hadn’t raised it he would’ve carried on as is - regardless of what happens I feel relieved to have raised it and made my own feelings/desires known.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrueD · 02/03/2025 10:39

@Cattreesea I raised it this morning and my feelings are mixed afterwards.

So at first he said he wanted to wait a few weeks to discuss until he’s over a stressful period at work. He said is that ok, I said no. I said I’m job hunting now so where am I looking? If we plan to move in together soon the needs to be part of the conversation and where I search.

For the job part we decided I will cast the net wide including his city in my search, so there would be a possibility I’d move there.

I also brought up kids etc and said this is a conversation we need to have. He agreed and said he was planning to bring it up soon as well. He said when we’re together in two weeks let’s discuss and plan properly.

OP posts:
Cattreesea · 02/03/2025 10:24

I am sorry OP but it sounds like he is happy the way things are and he is just wasting your time.

Your relationship has not evolved after 15 months and you are simply a convenient girlfriend he gets to see whenever he feels like it with no commitment.

You are in your 30s and want a family so you don't have time to waste.

Have the conversation now and be prepared to leave if he is still vague.

My feeling is that he is not interested in more than what you already have.

Yellowink · 02/03/2025 09:44

At the moment you’re unemployed Op
i imagine from his perspective he might be wondering if you’re thinking you’ll move to him and he will have to support you financially

TheLargestToblerone · 02/03/2025 09:42

Sorry OP, but the more you post the more it makes it sound like you are a place marker for him. It's easy for him to mouth the words you want to hear to keep you ticking over. If he is enthusiastic when you talk to him today, and keen to make concrete timescales and has thought through practicalities then great, have at it. But if you get any hint of him just going along with it or feet dragging then you probably need to look elsewhere. Best you know now either way; this forum is full of women who waste years with partners who just coast along happy with the benefits of a relationship without actually making a commitment.

fruitbrewhaha · 02/03/2025 09:24

Do it. You can start the conversation with your job contract is ending and fully remote jobs being scarce, that you may need to go hybrid and that could mean being in an office 3 days a week, and that you can’t guarantee those three so will alter your freedom to stay at his and how often you see each other. What does he want you to do?

He’ll hopefully say “oh crap, can you find a job in (his hometown)”? Or he’ll be oh well.

Yellowink · 02/03/2025 09:04

How is the job hunt going?

Yellowink · 02/03/2025 09:04

ExtraOnions · 02/03/2025 08:59

I was 31 when I got with my (now) Husband. On Date 2 I said to him that I wanted to get married and have children, and if that wasn’t on his agenda he needed to tell me, as this relationship wasn’t going to work. We were married the next year, and has our daughter the year after … 20 years ago

How old was he @ExtraOnions ?

Original poster
PrueD · 02/03/2025 09:01

Gypsophilaaaa · 02/03/2025 08:57

If he I sure about you he’ll face and overlook his parents not being welcoming and easy going. He sounds as if he’s coasting but you don’t have to. Focus him this morning and ascertain your future. At least you’ll know.

Exactly. I’m happy in the relationship overall but not with the growing sense of coasting.

I’ll speak to him this morning.

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 02/03/2025 08:59

I was 31 when I got with my (now) Husband. On Date 2 I said to him that I wanted to get married and have children, and if that wasn’t on his agenda he needed to tell me, as this relationship wasn’t going to work. We were married the next year, and has our daughter the year after … 20 years ago

Gypsophilaaaa · 02/03/2025 08:57

If he I sure about you he’ll face and overlook his parents not being welcoming and easy going. He sounds as if he’s coasting but you don’t have to. Focus him this morning and ascertain your future. At least you’ll know.

Yellowink · 02/03/2025 08:53

Focus on finding a job op as might be tricky
and then make relationship decisions

Original poster
PrueD · 02/03/2025 08:52

@Yellowink thats true. We actually talked about meeting his parents since.

he said he’s happy to make it happen but his concern is about his parents. He said my parents are amazing and so easy going/welcoming but his parents haven’t always been this way and can be more abrasive.

does make me wonder how they were with his ex wife…

OP posts:
Original poster
PrueD · 02/03/2025 08:50

@Yellowink i am talking about in general.

I have often been able to spend weeks at his home but not since December because I was looking after a relative who died last month. Another big life change that has me wondering what’s next?

of course we do! We just said it last night before going to sleep. I adore him and I believe he feels the same. But we need some kind of plan. I’m not 25.

OP posts:
Yellowink · 02/03/2025 08:50

PrueD · 02/03/2025 08:47

@Yellowink We go on holiday together yes, been on a few now, all been great. He said our first holiday was his best ever.

He is from another country in Europe so he went there for Xmas but we had a sort of pre Christmas dinner and some presents with my family before. He also spent last weekend with my family.

Oh your other thread is how you’re really upset you’ve not been invited to his parents 60th

Yellowink · 02/03/2025 08:49

Do you both love one another?

Yellowink · 02/03/2025 08:48

The last job was nearly 100% remote so I was at his home for weeks at a time

vs

Currently we live 2.5 hours away and see each other for several days for every 2 weeks are each others homes.

Original poster
PrueD · 02/03/2025 08:47

@Yellowink We go on holiday together yes, been on a few now, all been great. He said our first holiday was his best ever.

He is from another country in Europe so he went there for Xmas but we had a sort of pre Christmas dinner and some presents with my family before. He also spent last weekend with my family.

OP posts: