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55 year old female Reader interested in teenage boys

215 replies

Takemebacktowhen · 02/03/2025 04:36

My colleague and I have become quite close and spend a lot of weekends together. She has confided in my about a lot of things.

She is a lecturer to some teenage students. Today she apparently called a taxi for herself and an 18 year old student. She said she had given him her number and would like to take him to an exhibition. She described this young lad as exquisitely beautiful, that he is an ethnic minority that she is hugely attracted to.

I found this confession uncomfortable. It’s inappropriate isn’t it. The fetishisation of a minority was very unpleasant as well.

How would you take something like that. Should I just keep my beak out and mind my own bloody business.

OP posts:
MaryGreenhill · 04/03/2025 09:01

Your discomfort in this situation is entirely understandable, as it touches on complex ethical, professional, and potentially legal considerations. The scenario you described involves a lecturer forming a close and potentially inappropriate relationship with an 18-year-old student. While the student is legally an adult, the lecturer-student dynamic introduces a significant power imbalance. Lecturers hold a position of authority, influence, and responsibility over their students, which makes maintaining clear professional boundaries essential. Most educational institutions have strict policies regarding relationships between staff and students to prevent conflicts of interest, exploitation, or harm. These policies often extend beyond legal adulthood and focus on maintaining a safe an professional learning environment.
There are also safeguarding concerns to consider. Although safeguarding principles are often associated with minors, they can also apply to vulnerable adults. In this context, vulnerability does not solely depend on age but can also relate to the specific circumstances of the student, including the power dynamics of the educational setting. If the lecturer’s actions could be seen as grooming or as creating an environment where a student feels pressured or uncomfortable, this could raise serious safeguarding issues.
The lecturer's comment about being "hugely attracted to" the student's minority status introduces additional layers of concern. Fetishisation of an individual's ethnicity can be deeply problematic and may intersect with issues of equality and anti-discrimination. In professional and educational settings, institutions often uphold equality and diversity standards that not only prohibit discrimination but also discourage behaviour that objectifies or dehumanises individuals based on their race, ethnicity, or other protected characteristics. Such comments may not only be inappropriate but could also potentially violate institutional policies or codes of conduct designed to create an inclusive and respectful environment for all students.
From a legal perspective, while the described situation may not necessarily breach criminal law if the student is of legal age, it could still lead to professional or institutional consequences. Many educational institutions have clear protocols that outline acceptable and unacceptable conduct between staff and students. If the lecturer's behaviour were reported, it could trigger an investigation and potentially lead to disciplinary action. Furthermore, if the conduct were perceived as grooming or as contributing to an unsafe learning environment, there could be broader ramifications, particularly if the student felt uncomfortable or coerced.
In terms of what you should do, this situation requires careful consideration. One option is to document the conversation privately, noting the details of what was said, including dates and the specific language used. Keeping an accurate record could be important if the situation escalates or if you are asked to provide information in the future. You could also consult the relevant policies and guidelines of the educational institution if you have access to them, to better understand what is considered appropriate conduct and what steps might be expected of you.
You might consider seeking advice from a professional body, a union, or a safeguarding organisation. Many of these organisations offer confidential advice and can guide you through potential next steps without necessarily escalating the situation prematurely. This could help you clarify whether the situation warrants formal reporting or if there are other ways to address your concerns.
If you decide not to report the situation formally, it may still be wise to set clear boundaries with your colleague. You could express your discomfort directly, stating that you do not feel comfortable discussing these matters further. This could help preserve your own boundaries while signalling to your colleague that her comments were not appropriate.
Ultimately, the decision to take further action depends on your assessment of the risk and your level of concern. If you believe that the student's welfare might be at risk or that the lecturer's behaviour could lead to harm, reporting the situation to a designated safeguarding officer, the human resources department, or another appropriate authority could be the right course of action. However, if you believe this situation is more a matter of poor judgment than potential harm, setting boundaries and distancing yourself from the conversation may suffice.

HelmholtzWatson · 04/03/2025 08:57

Mirabai · 02/03/2025 08:02

That’s the line my teachers took at school, and it fucked up students’s lives. Why is the relationship with your colleague more important that the students’ wellbeing? Why do have to wait until it crosses the line before acting, you won’t even know when/if it does.

From what I saw at school I had zero tolerance of this kind of behaviour from staff at uni, it’s a shame other staff didn’t feel the same.

School =/= university.

HelmholtzWatson · 04/03/2025 08:56

butterpuffed · 02/03/2025 08:40

A middle aged woman having a fantasy about an 18 yr old isn't the norm .

I didn't say it was.

HelmholtzWatson · 04/03/2025 08:55

BugsyMaroon · 02/03/2025 09:05

Would you say that if the lecturer was a man and the potential grooming victim a girl?

Yes.

HelmholtzWatson · 04/03/2025 08:54

Expletive · 03/03/2025 00:26

Under any circumstances?

What if you were supervising a group of students at an overseas event, for example? What means of communication would you use?

I am part of a research group in including grad students who I'm not really counting as I generally treat them as faculty in every respect. Yes we use a group whatsapp for oversees conferences, but this is purely for organising social events such as where we are going for lunch/dinner/drinks.

ThatOtherAustenSister · 04/03/2025 08:41

I doubt the OP will report her friend and colleague because she's too afraid to even bring up the topic with her , as in a 'friend having a word'- let alone risk the fall out of making a formal complaint.

Mere1 · 04/03/2025 08:19

HelmholtzWatson · 02/03/2025 05:26

Lecturer here. Personally I'd stay out of it. She's having a bit of a fantasy that has yet to cross the line.

Your actions will potentially get her sacked and even if it doesn't, she will know who has reported her and this might make things very uncomfortable for you if she has influence in the department.

Agreed

Patterncarmen · 03/03/2025 23:06

User19876536484 · 03/03/2025 21:02

Would the police be interested? They are both adults. The same for the LEA.

It’s a university, not a school.

Yes. If the student is 18, I’m not sure a lot can be done with the situation how it is. Taking a student to an exhibit in a taxi isn’t actionable. The comments she made are not morally great, but legally there is no breach. Now, if the student felt sexually harassed, that is a different thing, but we don’t know that is the case.

SallyWD · 03/03/2025 21:16

Jeeekers · 03/03/2025 18:44

I was seeing her “he’s beautiful” as similar to a long term friend who seems to go overboard saying certain minorities are so beautiful all the time (which does seem racist), to show how she’s “not racist” she also does this with less conventionally attractive women and very over weight people. Unfriendly person, she’d be raving they are so kind. Oh, she so beautiful, I’m so drawn to her (not attractive person). Like maybe looking for a debate so she can prove she doesn’t see what you see. I don’t see color, I didn’t notice person didn’t look nice.

She’s done this for years and I think she’s trying to scream out “im so good, color blind. See beauty in everyone”
She really just draws your eye to the person who you might not notice & it’s very awkward. Friend group just ignores because it’s so awkward to look at person, and be expected to agree.

If this were my friend, she would be parading this boy to show —- look at me, I’m cool and not racist. I have young black friends. I’m so interesting (and not seeking anything else)

But the friend has explicitly said she's extremely attracted to people from his ethnic minority. That's different. Plenty of people have a real attraction to people of a certain race.

amigafan2003 · 03/03/2025 21:08

MustWeDoThis · 03/03/2025 19:48

Then you also report this to the LEA, internally, externally, speak to the police and see what advice they can give. If she's caught, she could drag you down with her and tell them you knew. She doesn't appear to have any morals/scruples, so I wouldn't put it past her to also drop you in it. It's almost like she's made you am accessory to sexual misconduct.

LEAs have nothing to do with Universities. Police wont be bothered as there is no illegality.

User19876536484 · 03/03/2025 21:02

MustWeDoThis · 03/03/2025 19:48

Then you also report this to the LEA, internally, externally, speak to the police and see what advice they can give. If she's caught, she could drag you down with her and tell them you knew. She doesn't appear to have any morals/scruples, so I wouldn't put it past her to also drop you in it. It's almost like she's made you am accessory to sexual misconduct.

Would the police be interested? They are both adults. The same for the LEA.

It’s a university, not a school.

Toptops · 03/03/2025 20:13

Macron as a student was seduced by his female lecturer. They are still together and they seem to be doing fine

MustWeDoThis · 03/03/2025 19:48

Takemebacktowhen · 02/03/2025 10:46

Our university’s code of conduct wouldn’t cover this. I would be reporting, nothing would be done, and I would have exposed myself to a difficult work environment.

She is affiliated in certain ways with the powers that be and has survived several complaints, none were sexual misconduct as far as I know.

Then you also report this to the LEA, internally, externally, speak to the police and see what advice they can give. If she's caught, she could drag you down with her and tell them you knew. She doesn't appear to have any morals/scruples, so I wouldn't put it past her to also drop you in it. It's almost like she's made you am accessory to sexual misconduct.

MustWeDoThis · 03/03/2025 19:45

Takemebacktowhen · 02/03/2025 04:36

My colleague and I have become quite close and spend a lot of weekends together. She has confided in my about a lot of things.

She is a lecturer to some teenage students. Today she apparently called a taxi for herself and an 18 year old student. She said she had given him her number and would like to take him to an exhibition. She described this young lad as exquisitely beautiful, that he is an ethnic minority that she is hugely attracted to.

I found this confession uncomfortable. It’s inappropriate isn’t it. The fetishisation of a minority was very unpleasant as well.

How would you take something like that. Should I just keep my beak out and mind my own bloody business.

Report this before it's another minority slipping through the cracks. Report it to the local education board. She's there to teach education, not sex.

This is disgusting. Sounds like she's grooming him and could ruin his life. She is an Ebaphile.

Dogsbreath7 · 03/03/2025 19:30

Do you have an independent line manager you could speak to for advice? That way you haven’t pressed the nuclear button and it’s up to LM to figure out how to manage the situation. Even a warning shot that it’s known she has passed on her mobile may be enough of a wake up call.

But let’s be honest this is probably not the first time…. Absolutely female letches should be called out.

worstofbothworlds · 03/03/2025 19:18

How many times: this is HE, these are adults, the only thing that MIGHT need reporting is the comments.

CuriousQuestioningGal · 03/03/2025 18:51

I work in education and have for a long time - initially primary and now higher education. You have a duty to report this. I would contact the university or college and report it.

Jeeekers · 03/03/2025 18:44

I was seeing her “he’s beautiful” as similar to a long term friend who seems to go overboard saying certain minorities are so beautiful all the time (which does seem racist), to show how she’s “not racist” she also does this with less conventionally attractive women and very over weight people. Unfriendly person, she’d be raving they are so kind. Oh, she so beautiful, I’m so drawn to her (not attractive person). Like maybe looking for a debate so she can prove she doesn’t see what you see. I don’t see color, I didn’t notice person didn’t look nice.

She’s done this for years and I think she’s trying to scream out “im so good, color blind. See beauty in everyone”
She really just draws your eye to the person who you might not notice & it’s very awkward. Friend group just ignores because it’s so awkward to look at person, and be expected to agree.

If this were my friend, she would be parading this boy to show —- look at me, I’m cool and not racist. I have young black friends. I’m so interesting (and not seeking anything else)

Laura95167 · 03/03/2025 18:07

I'd report this to the educational institution.

It's illegal if the young person is 16-18, but a lot of institutions would have it against the employments T&Cs to have this kind of a relationship with a current student.

But yes. It all sounds very distasteful, and concerning

kaos2 · 03/03/2025 18:06

@Jazzicatz I meant on this thread not in the uni .

Jazzicatz · 03/03/2025 18:05

kaos2 · 03/03/2025 18:01

@Jazzicatz no but that doesn't make it right surely?

Of course it doesn’t make it right, but to suggest that male lecturers are treated more harshly is just not the case.

kaos2 · 03/03/2025 18:01

@Jazzicatz no but that doesn't make it right surely?

Jazzicatz · 03/03/2025 17:54

kaos2 · 03/03/2025 09:45

Jeez ! Turn the tables and a man would be absolutely vilified! Report her !
He may think he will get a better result if he appeases her !

Have you ever worked in a university? Male lecturers have been perving over young female students forever and nothing is done about it.

worstofbothworlds · 03/03/2025 15:00

Going off campus, sharing a lift, and going to an event wouldn't count as any kind of concern under our staff/student relationships policy. I have done all of these with students who are working on my research team. They also know my home address (some of them because they walk past it on the way to their house and see me... which was bizarre during COVID as I had one I'd only ever seen on Teams walk past... and some of them because they drop things off or pick them up if we are going separately to fieldwork).

The only remaining thing then is the comments made. I don't think our university would do a thing about these, but the academic herself might be made to be more discreet. If she thinks these things that can't be policed, but if she said them in a class or to that or another student that would be a cause for concern in official terms.

PlumpHobbit · 03/03/2025 14:23

Phonefiend · 02/03/2025 05:34

This would meet the criteria for a ‘low level concern’ in my workplace. I do think it should be reported.
https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/news/2021/october/responding-low-level-concerns-in-education

Edited

Yep same here, at the very least. Ours (school rather than uni) has a system for reporting low level concerns, does your university have anything?

You need to report it, it may be she never acts on it but the fact she's talking/thinking about it isn't good and at the very least someone needs to have a word with her about her condict/how things are construed. If anything does happen....

The uni should have a staff code of conduct/HR handbook which will cover student/staff relationships, I'd refer to this when reporting

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