AIBU or is Brother being a Billy big balls?

As a further away child, I feel that my sibling's constant presence is their present? And very very valuable to me.

Have you read the OP’s updates? The amount of money she’s prepared to spend is all about how she feels about her family. That’s what this is about. Not £200

A booking for a party of 2 needs booking well in advance? I wouldn’t say it’s that urgent to get it booked

Even without the issues with your family, I think your communication was not the problem. Your response was reasonable. Your brother should have replied with something like "I found something for £££. Here are the details, is that ok?" or " great, what's your budget?" Your brother skipped many steps and jumped straight to "pay up", especially with many months to go. You were not unreasonable to go, "well, hang on, I didn't agree to the details..."
A lot of people here like to project. They can't take your situation with your family for what it is. They just think "I would love to do something nice for my father, why don't you? You meanie "

Leaving it (presumably what would have been more than 16 hours had he’d not sent the PA GIF) is not ‘not responding immediately’ it’s bloody annoying and inconsiderate. Yet DB is the unspeakably rude one? 🤔

It sounds like he has indeed jumped the gun by going ahead and booking but he may have thought you weren’t that interested too tbf.

But you didn’t say that to him and so he took it as a done deal - as I would have.

YABU. Just sounds like whatever he would have said would rub you up the wrong way.

It's about how much money she's prepared to spend. Fullstop .

So why indicate that you wanted in? How do you think he was going to interpret "sounds good"?

It's fine for you not to want to spend the money but £440 sounds about right for half a short break for 2 people.

The other issue is people who live close to parents forgetting conveniently that the ones who live further are going to incur costs to even get there (we had that too in contribute X to a gift situations). I mean if you've paid fuel or train, maybe booked annual leave, maybe hotel, maybe pet feeder etc then you do begin to feel a bit "my presence is my present" about the whole thing - especially if inlaws!

The moral of this story is perhaps to pick up the phone?!

NomadicEthusiasm
You texted sounds good and nothing else. Anyone would take this for agreement. You didn't say let's talk about it or do some research. It sounds like you don't particularly like your brother or your parents and you were trying to be awkward. Not wanting to spend that much is fine but you should have said that from the off.

From that, I would presume that your DB wanted to treat your Dad to this trip. He was actually then thinking it’d be nice if it was from both of you, otherwise it’d probably look like there was an obvious gift disparity. So he gave you the chance to join in, which you then showed agreement for. At which point he booked it.

I think not replying for that long wasn’t great, and him not telling you how much wasn’t great. Equally if he knows you’re the higher earners, and he himself was happy to spend that much, I can see why he thought it’d probably be okay for you?

Doesn’t sound like he did much wrong and it’s nice he wants to treat your Dad. I can see why you’re annoyed about the money. So maybe a bit of both sides being unreasonable.

Not really. Her brother should have told her about the costs to get her agreement before booking. It is also clear that OP has a much more strained and distant relationship with her parents and that her brother is the 'golden' child.

How is it possible people think it’s OK to just book a hotel without discussing prices?

OP was asked to give a joint gift. She was OK with that. In what world is it just fine to book without asking the joining person for input or a confirmation? This isn’t about earnings, it’s about normal behaviour. After an initial ‘go’ it should be a two way conversation, and this wasn’t that. That’s strange behaviour, but OP is being blamed for it. 🤔

Do you feel better now you've got that nasty little dig off your chest!

Why wouldn’t you just go back and say ‘sorry DB didn’t realise you were going to book something without checking price, I can’t afford £220 on top of the hundreds it will cost for me and DC to see dad for his birthday, can we cancel that and look for something a bit cheaper’?

As others have said seems there’s just a general communication issue but you have been as bad as each other.

OP, you've spent a lot of time giving us the context and quibbling over the exact sum that would be reasonable but I don't think either is relevant at all. The issue is entirely poor communication - both you and your brother. The rest is noise.

He should definitely have run the exact plan and amount past you before booking.

Equally, given he didn't do that, you should have responded wih your own financial budget. It was obviously going to be substantially more than £50. Or - this was probably the better option given you're LC with him and clearly don't want to do anything together with him - to say no, you've already planned gifts for your parents.

Whether he's a dislikeable prick or not is irrelevant to that. And £220 is neither reasonable nor unreasonable. People have wildly different budgets, which is why it's important to state yours.

I think your communication skills are really poor.

You had a conversation in your head instead of with your brother.

However YANBU about the amount you spend on this, if you don't want to spend the money that's your perogative.

I agree the ‘sounds good’ was like an initial go ahead signal. OP you were far too passive then, you should have spoken up about doubts with joining in on the present, then. Your reply was far too wishy washy, and of course, rightly or wrongly, DB has just stormed in and booked.

Your posts are not very clear, it’s taken most of them for me to understand why you’re talking about costs of you travelling while you’re saying this isn’t a big family holiday and I’m wondering if this is part of the issue.

A) you gave him the go ahead when you said ‘sure sounds good’, at no point did you show any interest in planning it together so it’s clear why he went ahead and did it without you.
B) I don’t think that’s a bad price for a night away in a decent hotel for a special birthfay
C) you paying for your own transport costs isn’t a present for your dad for his birthday, it’s a treat for your family.

I think if you supposedly know your brother so well and allude to how he is likely to behave then responding with 'sounds good' was surely giving the go ahead to book without any further confirmation of costs. I think you should send him the money for half the trip.

None of us know your, your DB or your parents. And clearly there's more to things here than the original post.
The way I see it you can either

• go back to DB and say look Id like to do this trip idea but I was taken aback by the cost. I have found this hotel which is only £100 each so how about we do this instead?
• leave things as they are and recognise that both of you haven't really handled it super well (given that you said sounds good at the start when you were not expecially keen given relationship with parents etc)

My BIL has form for this kind of thing (spending other people's money so he can look generous) and DH responds in a similar way to you. As the non relative, I end up sorting it out.

It is very tedious!

Just sort your own gifts, people!!!

This is not really about the money, it’s about having to engage in the optics of a close knit family coming together to celebrate a significant birthday when the truth is nothing of the sort.

do what works best for you, OP.

It’s very hard to judge what constitutes “a lot of money” for someone else. But I don’t think £220 each sounds unreasonable at all as a half share of a birthday trip away for two people; I’d have assumed that the person booking would be looking at a nice hotel rather than a budget one in the circumstances. Just sounds like a case of poor communication really. The risk you run now, though, is if you pull out and your brother pays for it, he’s bound to let drop that you wouldn’t go halves with him. And he probably does feel that you’ve now reneged on somethiing you agreed to (and he’s maybe already mentioned to your parents?) Tricky one, really.

Agree with this ^

The present is just part of the bigger issue with your family. Your communication is poor. You were slow in messaging back and when you did, said 'sounds good' which many people would assume is giving the go ahead. You then said you tried to ring but would wake the dog, so why didn't you message instead to say you needed to talk budget or ask him to call you back asap? It seems like you made little effort to talk to your brother.
It is not unreasonable that he wanted to go ahead and book, as places can book up quickly even out of season and maybe he had this hotel in mind for whatever reason.

On the note of buying expensive gifts, we don't in my family and my parents would not want us spending our money on something like this. But all families are different.

I think you are both being unreasonable - you for poor communication and brother for not showing you what he wanted to book before doing so.