AIBU to not want to throw a load of food away - fussy eater

DD2 is extremely fussy and I reached a point where I felt it was better for her nutritionally to serve a balance of things she would eat at every meal rather than serving something I knew she wouldn't eat and then she has toast or whatever. At one point it was either a specific chicken burger, pizza or sausages and we just rotated through those meals. She was later diagnosed with Autism which just confirmed my belief that it was a taste/texture issue not behavioural. Now as a teenager she is branching out more.

I have one fussy eater and DH is a vegetarian so we have just become expert at making three variations of the same meal.

eat it or starve doesn’t work and you know that OP. And anyone who tells you it doesn’t simply doesn’t have experience of a child with food issues.

I will say that my fussy eater began to gradually improve at about age 13. Nos aged 17 he’s still limited in what he eats in comparison to others but will now eat many more foods.

try not to get stressed about it. It first help. Feed your children what they will eat rather than trying to coax them into other foods and then you won’t have waste.

You said baby led weaning then said purées and that’s not baby led so not sure what you actually did.
depends why they are fussy, is it because they know you are a soft touch or actually have taste/smell/texture issues which you are unlikely to be able to change.
If it’s taste/smell/texture no point forcing them too as it just causes more issues and will then limit what they’ll actually eat and they could end up in eating disorder ward hundreds of miles away from you.

I think there's a big difference between 'fussiness' and food preferences.
Out of our 3 kids, 2 have strong preferences (one child is also ASD) and frankly if as kids, they didn't get offered food they could eat, they wouldn't eat. That's the difference.
I found family meals easiest if offered deconstructed - usually with different things offered up as help yourself portions. Plus freezing meals so if we had something one child wouldn't eat, there's always something in the freezer that can be used. Not much bother, not much waste and fed children.

Three rules keep fussiness simple, sane and social:

you have to try it before you say you don’t like it.

the cook makes as little effort as possible for food refusers

no one else is interested in what you like or don’t.

Thing is, it’s much more important to get them to eat a wide range of foods in a calm way than it is to give DC what they want that night.

These boundaries keep it emotionally healthy for all (inc parents) and ensure DC don’t starve.

Oh and I could never do ‘go hungry’ either. Rule here is eat dinner (or wail that it’s poison and don’t), standard pudding of a small treat sized ice cream/ 2 biscuits given regardless because I don’t link food to discipline.

But post normal small pudding, if still hungry, choices are to finish their leftover dinner, a piece of fruit or a plain cracker, piece of toast.

I had two none fussy children and then my third arrived. They were a very adventurous eater but then by the time they were three they were very fussy. My smug mum phase ended quickly.

I was a fussy eater and still remember to this day being made to eat food I hated. It left me with a few issues around food so I happily make my little food dictator what they want. They eat, we eat, there's no drama. Now they are getting older they are starting to try new foods, some they like, some they don't but they are quickly starting to eat more variety. Tonight they announced they want to try a taco, so we shall make that soon. I have no worries they will still be fussy when they are an adult.

It will get better OP, I think that is the peak age for fussiness. Mine are 8 and 6 and it’s (slowly) getting better. They get decent school lunches and I think that has helped, they try things there that they won’t for me and then I try to build on that.

My approach:

• 1/3 of meals are ‘core’ that everyone is expected to eat, e.g. roast chicken, spag Bol, sausage and mash etc. Two years ago it would have been really hard to make this list, but persistence with a small number of simple plain recipes again and again has worked to an extent
• 1/3 meals can be modified with kid/adult elements without too much faff (chicken traybake, fajita night, curry (very low spice meat one for kids, additional spicier veg one on the side for adults. Will often freeze a second batch of the kid element for next time
• 1/3 food that the kids just won’t eat, at which point they can have a defrosted portion of an earlier meal (like the spag bol or mild curry) or something like fish fingers.

We all have pizza night on Fridays. You have my sympathies. It’s VERY thankless

We tried him with it since a baby and he never liked it. Our second loved curry from a baby. This is why. Reserve your judgements for yourself. Oh, and I have Asian relatives, so yes well aware!

Gosh I feel for you all and you seem like very loving parents.

my eldest eats almost everything (4) and iv always done a ‘this is the meal you eat it or don’t’ approach. He can eat just the veg or the pasta or the meat whatever he wants but I’m not making alternatives

Dc2 is fussier but now copying dc1 and willing to try most things. They are both allowed a couple of things they don’t want eg dc1 says no tuna and I respect that as he eats fantastically evrhting else. I couldn’t be faffed with all the kind caring patience you guys are doing above!!

"We never dreamt our oldest would eat curry, and tonight he asked for seconds. He is 8."

Yet children younger than him eat it all the time in India.

Why do you think that is?

Keep offering different foods OP, it can take many exposures before children try something new. Just put little bowls on the table and don't make a fuss about it whether they try things or not. Don't go in for massive praise if they eat something, treat it like it's completely normal and expected. Similarly, don't comment if they don't eat much. Try not to get into the habit of serving up beige food like nuggets, they're so overprocessed and don't taste like real home-prepared food. And don't worry too much about waste, there is always going to be some when introducing young children to new foods. Try and use up leftovers by incorporating into your meals, for example leftover veg can be used up in a fritatta or a burrito/quesadilla. Leftover fruit can be blended for a smoothie.

I have 2 autistic children and myself and partner have different food intolerances from each other and I'm vegan and nobody else is. I make 4 different things every night and have done for years. I pander to my kids tastes because I don't believe in turning meals into battle grounds. I make sure they have the best nutrition they can stomach and don't worry beyond that. It doesn't bother me that my kids choose their own food, in fact it makes my life easier in a way. I don't mind making everyone different meals, in fact I've got really good at multitasking due to it. All the worthy things we are supposed to care about as parents went in the bin shortly after my 10 year old's autism diagnosis 7 years ago. I measure success differently now. My kids eat well and have fruit and veg in their diets. Brilliant. I can only dream of my parents life where they plopped a cottage pie on the table and said eat it or go hungry. They never dealt with consequences of that because all 4 of us would just eat it. Not so with my 2!

I'd also consider them serving themselves at the table if it's possible. So if you cook pasta, put a bowl a pasta, a bowl of sauce, and a bowl of some veg they like in the middle of the table. And they have to have a bit from each bowl but can choose the amounts and how it's served. So if they only want a bit of sauce and they want it on the side, rather than on top of the pasta, that's fine. Obviously won't be possible for every meal - you wouldn't want them serving themselves from a dish that's hot from the oven.

I also always let my children have some fruit or plain yoghurt for pudding if they want it. I've never done "eat it or go hungry". My parents did that with me, and it didn't work. It caused mealtimes to be such a stress and I ended up at the Dr because I was rapidly losing weight aged 10 (by this point my parents had caved and were cooking things they knew I liked but meals were such a stress I physically struggled to eat even things I liked, and had no appetite).
I never make meals an argument with my children, nor do I bribe or plead with them to eat. I provide healthy, balanced, varied food, with a decent mix of things I know they like, but it's not my job to make them eat it. I never cook meals where I know they don't like any of it, because frankly I'd be a bit cross if DH cooked a meal that he knew I wouldn't like, so I wouldn't do it to them. But they don't have to like all of it.

I do spag bol but serve the spaghetti on its own. So at least DS would eat spaghetti with some grated cheese on top. I'd encourage him to try the sauce. At first it was just the liquid bit and no mince or lumps. Now he'll eat the entire thing as long as the onion is cut up tiny!

I also get him involved with cooking the meal as I discover if he cooked it he was far more likely to try.

He wouldn't eat mash but did like baked potatoes oddly. Again separate toppings and i encouraged him to try.

Naan bread pizzas are always a winner. 1 naan per person. Tomato puree with water, garlic, salt and sugar as the base sauce, grated cheese then get them to put their own toppings on before cooking in the oven.

Curry I put the sauce separately. He'd just rice initially but now eats the sauce and meat but not touching the rice!

I just stay positive, encourage trying, lots of praise but not making a big deal if he doesn't try.

He LOVES yummy pudding so this gives him the incentive to try. Even just putting stuff in his mouth. Sometimes he still spits stuff out!

He's now 9 but I feel confident taking him out to eat if I read the menu in advance.

The kids (4 and 2) sort of eat what we do. I often pull out parts of the meal early and put it on their plates to cool down and to avoid the seasoning/ sauce and give them more of what they do eat and less of what they don't eat. They do have different taste buds to us (my son is sensitive to spice) but they need the exposure to normal, healthy food. We encourage them to try things but don't make them. We very rarely do dessert.

I used to do a meal I knew they liked and would eat for two nights, and then a healthy meal dh and I liked the next. There would be fruit for pudding with their meals, and cake/ sponge/ something filling on ours so at least they ate something.

My kids are extremely fussy. Dietitian recommendation was always put "safe" foods you know they will eat on plate, and offer others. So e.g. one of my kids only wanted plain pasta. I would give her a bowl of plain pasta & just put grated cheese, bit of veg on a different plate. No pressure, didnt even mention the cheese/veg, just put it there. It took a long time but eventually she tried it and now she willingly eats a variety of food.

I make a single meal but adapt. Like I will take DD's out before I add the sauce so it can be sauceless or DS I give him his deconstructed entirely. There are some things where the main nut will be given to both but I will do DD additional rice

My kids went through fussy stages and could eat what they were given or decline it and have the blandest food I could come up with - brown bread sandwiches with a smear of Philadelphia. And they had to at least try a tiny bite of what they were given. I didn’t deliberately make whole meals they’d hate though, I tried to always have at least something safe on the plate. They eat literally anything now as adults.

I think you need to find middle ground between what you and your dh are saying. Maybe give them a version of what you're having, but with something you know they like on the side as well.

Potato is quite claggy texturally for kids, it is quite a common dislike. Mine will eat roast pots, pot wedges, chips. One hates mashed pot, the other likes it but only if with tons of milk and butter.

Do they like cheese? I found when dc2 was fussy with pasta sauce, a light coating on the pasta, and stirring a load of grated cheese in helped. Over time it has got better and he'll eat it more saucy with less cheese.
Casseroles can be a bit hit and miss with kids, unless Yorkshire puddings are involved! It is such a gradual process, but keep at it op. We never dreamt our oldest would eat curry, and tonight he asked for seconds. He is 8.

What do they actually eat? Can you deconstruct meals so that they have something they’ll always eat but enough of everything else to allow them to try a little bit if they want but not so much there will be tons of wastage? So for example serve pasta plain, bolognaise sauce on the side, optional cheese to add, maybe also a salad and/or garlic bread and they choose from that what they want. You can probably guess from that what each child will eat and can plan the portions accordingly with just a little bit more in case they surprise you and want to try something. And it’s sort of a mid ground between ‘eat it or go hungry’ and ‘pandering’ since you’re only slightly tweaking the main meal and aren’t offering alternatives but you’re also ensuring there is something that both will eat on the table so they won’t actually go hungry. Worked for us anyway!