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Original poster

My wife is very jealous of me

144 replies

Herpassions · 01/03/2025 17:10

I am male, I hope it is okay to post here.

We have young children, leaving her is not an option I want to consider right now.

The jealousy is not about other women, she knows I’m faithful. It is that I have had a more privileged background, she thinks I have led a charmed life, that is not true, she just can’t see clearly I think.

My wife has been far worse since the birth of our second child, but the problem was there before, since about a year after we got together. Maybe it didn’t get worse, it might be the stresses of a baby have left her less able to keep it under wraps.

She is unhappy about anything nice that happens to me. She hates that I earn more than her, although I use my income to support our family. She hates that I have a good relationship with my parents. She doesn’t like that I go to the gym and keep myself fit when she has not been able before children to like the idea of working out. She doesn’t like me buying nice clothes or toiletries, she believes I am outshining her, I am just taking care of myself to a reasonable standard, nothing too crazy, and she knows she has the same amount of disposable income to do what she wants. She especially hates me socialising, not that I have since the baby was born anyway.

She has had therapy, it does not seem to have made the blindest bit of difference, perhaps things were even worse, I’m not even sure she used that time to talk about this particular issue, she is not very obviously remorseful about it. Seems to think it’s not that big.

I know she loves me and is a good mother. What can we do to get over this? We have a lovely little family and I don’t want to give up on us.

Why is she jealous to the detriment of how our family works as a whole, I don’t know what all this is about. I haven’t heard of a woman jealous of her own husband in this way. I’m at a loss what to do next.

OP posts:
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Devianinc · 07/03/2025 02:06

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Devianinc · 07/03/2025 02:02

Yellowcircle90 · 02/03/2025 06:58

I honestly can’t believe the posters suggesting he showers his wife with adoration and gifts. There are still such double standards across our society. If a woman had written this post about a man she’d be told to leave, regardless of the OP saying that isn’t what he wants at the moment. This is abusive behaviour from his wife.

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That wasn’t the point, duh

Devianinc · 07/03/2025 02:01

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Devianinc · 07/03/2025 01:58

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Devianinc · 07/03/2025 01:54

I’m assuming he was bot.

Namechangey23 · 06/03/2025 21:00

Yeh heeee gone
If he was ever real!
Perhaps he's being hounded by all the dogs who find OP so great to be around😏
Like a reverse pied piper

ARingtoit · 04/03/2025 22:46

There's something off about this post/poster. The phrasing, the choice to air the problem on Mumsnet to shame the mother of his child in front of other mums, to ask women to do the emotional labour/pamper him by stating how terrible she sounds, the lack of empathy, the unwillingness to even mention he may not be perfect. I'm sure she would tell a very different story. I hope she's ok.

Horses7 · 04/03/2025 20:03

The ego has landed.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 02/03/2025 19:17

Mischance · 02/03/2025 18:57

Do this poor woman a favour and hop it. How can you talk so dispassionately about your wife as if she needs picking apart? - deep down you despise her. She deserves better.

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Did you miss the part where she frequently says horrible things to OP?

Mischance · 02/03/2025 18:57

Herpassions · 02/03/2025 00:21

I’m with her because I want to be close to my children, 50/50 is not satisfactory. Now also the concern of how it would affect the children if she had them alone.

My life wasn’t like this in our early days, she was loving and seemed to very happy for me. It seems the real person is the one that came out later.

I believe she would be a bully given the chance, because of her rage bubbling just under the surface. She wants to be a good mother and she is. But I don’t know how genuine that is or how long it will last, our son is 3 and our baby is 4 months. She likes the lifestyle picture of married-kids-husband with a good job.
It may be that considering the criminality in her family, she might have slight sociopathic tendencies that present differently in women,

I try to dismiss these thoughts and get on with looking after my children, but her mindset is troubling to me.

Do this poor woman a favour and hop it. How can you talk so dispassionately about your wife as if she needs picking apart? - deep down you despise her. She deserves better.

Letsseeshallwe · 02/03/2025 18:17

MerchSwyddEfrog · 02/03/2025 01:27

I feel like I’m reading a completely different post to everyone else! There seams to be something really off about the way this man is talking about his wife. It’s like he’s this really special gifted, blessed and attractive person who even the visiting dog couldn’t resist and wanted to stay with all day and is wife is so jealous of him. It just doesn’t ring true. I really think he is being disingenuous.

This nails it. The op's wording is so off. He's writing a script. feel for his wife and kids.

I see you.

GarlicStyle · 02/03/2025 14:13

EggFriedRiceAndChips · 02/03/2025 13:02

Poor woman I feel for her . I bet she loved hearing about your dog whispering antics.

"Dog whispering" 😂 I read this as some poor sod being grateful for a bit of unconditional appreciation, nothing worse!

Actually, this will be why I suddenly recalled a tiny incident from my past after reading this post. I had one of those husbands who's horrible at home, but everybody else's best friend. I realised how badly he'd undermined me when the landlady of his local referred to me as his lovely wife. Managing with some difficulty not to climb over the bar and hug her in tears of gratitude, I wailed "I am a lovely wife, aren't I? Thank you!"

A friendly dog's even better than a nice landlady when you feel like no fucker gets you.

GarlicStyle · 02/03/2025 14:05

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 02/03/2025 13:30

Can you afford to pay for a session of private counselling (e.g through Bupa and do a search of the therapists to see who specialises in relationships etc)? I’d use the session to tell them what you’re posting here and to see what the therapist suggests. I had a truly dreadful childhood and I’m never jealous of my partner - you are absolutely right to think something is very wrong and can’t continue as it is.

This is a good idea. OP's described a complex situation - there's more going on than run-of-the-mill baby frustration. Having two little children will highlight and exacerbate any existing issues, it doesn't create them

The difference between a few hours with a relevantly experienced professional and Mumsnet or your friends is that it's a focused, informed, two-way conversation in which the professional has no axe to grind. It should really help you get clarity and perceive the various paths available to you.

thismummydrinksgin · 02/03/2025 13:40

You may do a lot but is she the default parent? Do you get to check out from things whereas she is the one that plans, organises and holds it all together? Or is it that you could spend time with her rather than at the gym?

TagSplashMaverick · 02/03/2025 13:38

MerchSwyddEfrog · 02/03/2025 01:27

I feel like I’m reading a completely different post to everyone else! There seams to be something really off about the way this man is talking about his wife. It’s like he’s this really special gifted, blessed and attractive person who even the visiting dog couldn’t resist and wanted to stay with all day and is wife is so jealous of him. It just doesn’t ring true. I really think he is being disingenuous.

I’d agree with this now based on the last post. Yikes.

Gettingbysomehow · 02/03/2025 13:35

Are you sure she isn't just pissed off with you. It can often be mistaken for jealousy.
Could be she is just sick of you indulging yourself, doing what you want and having the career she would have wanted had she not had to look after your children.
Your life would be very hard and different if she wasn't there and you had to manage your career home life and kids on your own.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 02/03/2025 13:30

Can you afford to pay for a session of private counselling (e.g through Bupa and do a search of the therapists to see who specialises in relationships etc)? I’d use the session to tell them what you’re posting here and to see what the therapist suggests. I had a truly dreadful childhood and I’m never jealous of my partner - you are absolutely right to think something is very wrong and can’t continue as it is.

EggFriedRiceAndChips · 02/03/2025 13:02

Poor woman I feel for her . I bet she loved hearing about your dog whispering antics.

LouH1981 · 02/03/2025 11:46

I would say she has self esteem issues. After having children it’s easy to feel like your identity is lost.
Your successes (whilst perfectly normal) are probably magnified to her and because you are closest to her she takes it out on you.
I’m not saying it’s ok to do this to you but it probably won’t be an easy, overnight fix.
I can see you mention that she is breastfeeding so her hormones are probably all over the place too so they won’t be helping her to think rationally either.
I think you need to try and help her ride out this wave, tell her you are trying to see things from her point of view and ask what might help day to day which might help to improve her mindset over time.
Obviously, you also need support yourself so make sure you look after yourself too.

ThatFairTealDuck · 02/03/2025 11:22

This sounds really silly but maybe she wanted to clean or cook? I had this with my husband and he was amazing and supportive after our second child. Did everything and more so I could breastfeed the baby but the honest truth was I was getting resentful because I wanted to have some normality. I wanted to be more than a dairy cow and just wanted to do normal things to make me feel human. (like cleaning the floor or making my eldest sons packlunch) it really felt like he was encroaching on my territory and belittling what I did for the family!

After a chat he realised what he was doing and then just offered to hold the baby more in the evening so that I could do at least 1 normal job that just made me feel fulfilled and like an actual person!

Edited to add it wasn't that I wasn't greatful I just felt like I lost my identity in the family and needed to find it again

everythingthelighttouches · 02/03/2025 11:14

OP, could you give us a few more bits of info about the relationship you have together now?
I’m just trying to understand if there is ongoing financial disparity

Do you both work full time? Earn similar amounts?
is she on mat leave?
Do you have joint finances?
Jointly own a home?

CreationNat1on · 02/03/2025 11:13

Speak to your GP about this, he or she can have a word with her GP and when she is next in with her doctor, the doctor can ask if she is feeling OK. Put it in the GP s radar that her jealousy is bordering on abuse.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 02/03/2025 11:11

MemorableTrenchcoat · 02/03/2025 10:54

They clearly do work. Women are often given the benefit of the doubt on here, much moreso than men. As I just replied to another poster, the wife engaged in this behaviour long before she had children.

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Agreed, it could be about anything.

Alcoholic woman: Oh she's stressed and needs an outlet. Book AA sessions for her and make sure to drive her there on time.
You are the one stressing her, be more gentle.
Alcoholic man: LTB.

Having kids doesn't make you an unpleasant person, otherwise it would be a thing.
Many people are happily married to someone who had a more privileged life.

If a woman had witten in about these behaviours from a DFriend, DSis, DDIL, DM or DMIL, they'd be told to put her in her place and not tolerate it.
But as a man, the wife is justified in her bitterness.

Doesn't make sense.

financialcareerstuff · 02/03/2025 11:03

MistressoftheDarkSide · 02/03/2025 09:06

I'm with the posters who think there's something a bit off about how the DH is describing his not so apparently DW.

Someone else clocked the almost "rescuer" narrative, and the disparity between backgrounds seems telling.

I wonder if there is an undercurrent coming from extended family or friends that DH has "married down" and his own mindset is that he "deserves better" even if subconsciously. I'd be interested to know how they met and got together.

Perhaps for all she wants the seemingly perfect average family life described, she has a touch of imposter syndrome. People with dysfunctional family backgrounds (and I'm one) can be experts in self sabotage, and can find it hard to trust anyone, and fear that "they don't deserve nice things".

Issues can surface during major life changes, and I don't doubt she needs some support and therapy to work through it.

The hints that she might transfer these behaviours to the children is worrying, and I wonder if the OP is setting up a narrative for when he leaves and the custody battles ensue.

The language he uses is strangely detached except in terms of himself and all his positive qualities, and his dog anecdote is just a bit weird, hinting at his inherent wonderfulness that even animals can't resist.

I just get a bit of a hinky feeling with it all, to be honest. When relationships aren't working, it's often a 50 / 50 thing, but apparently we have a paragon of virtue versus Lilith in this case.

Obviously this needs sorting out, and I'm well aware that women and men can be equally toxic, but there's an oddly disingenuous tone to this narrative.

Agree!

turkeyboots · 02/03/2025 10:57

If she isn't willing to put some work into getting past her jealousy of your childhood and career, then your marriage will be endlessly miserable.
I dated a few guys who couldn't get past how my childhood differed to theirs. Like my parents career and family choices were some sort of direct threat to them. It came from a place of deep insecurity, and it cannot be fixed by anyone other than themselves.