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Original poster

Fancy dress isn't for fat people.

287 replies

tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 17:03

I’ve worried my friend a bit and want to know if I was unreasonable.

My friend has an anniversary coming up. She’s planned a party. We were having drinks and she said that the invites were going out soon and she’d picked a fantastic fancy dress theme (can’t what it is, too outing.)

All our other friends were excited - and then she saw my face. I made a joke about being grinchy about fancy dress, but that I was still very much looking forward to the party. She point blank asked me why I disliked fancy dress, and I’d had a few wines, and so I told her…

I’m fat. I’m 5’2” and was 16 stone. I’m now 13.5 stone and losing steadily but realistically I’ll be fat for a long time still. I’ve been fat for 15 years. My other friends are all slim (and about 5 inches taller!) It’s really easy when you’re a slender/standard size to go into a charity shop and get fun cheap things that fit the theme and which look great. As a size 18 -20 pickings are slim and usually dreadful. I spend a lot of time choosing nice going out clothes that don’t make me feel awful and that I feel confident in, but I’ll end up at a fancy dress party in something unflattering that makes me sad.

Buying ready made fancy dress is worse- nasty cheap material, usually slightly slutty.

At a 60s hen party a few years ago everyone was rocking fun micro mini dresses and knee boots they’d got in charity shops. They had nothing in my size so I was in some flares I’d had to order from Shien and a T-shirt I’d had to tie dye myself. The picture of us all just makes me feel terribly upset. I look like a tie dye whale. I did have a flattering wrap dress that I loved and made me happy but obviously couldn’t wear it. Dressing is just so much harder as a larger person.

Now, me being fat is a me problem. I’m fully aware of that, and I’m now finally managing to lose weight. This is my friend’s party and I’ll go regardless, and try not to feel like a self conscious lump. My friend is lovely and it’s not her fault I’m fat and that fancy dress makes me sad. But- other fat friends all feel the same. Fancy dress is a slim woman’s game.

My friend (5’10”, size 8) looks amazing in pretty much anything. She’s picked a theme that’s a bit risqué and will look sensational while I just can’t think of what I’ll do. I also work full time, have 3 junior aged children and a seriously unwell mother so no time to visit lots of shops/ make something.

As I said my friend is lovely and I feel sad that I’ve worried her. She asked her MIL, SIL and neighbour (all larger people) and apparently they all said the same as me- her MIL said she "dreaded" fancy dress. She’s now rethinking the theme or thinking of making it optional but I think that’ll be worse- people are lazy, there will only be a few people who bother dressing up and it’ll be a shame as it’s not what she wants.

I stand by my premise that fancy dress isn’t for fat people but was I unreasonable for saying something? She did ask….

(Ps I know I was wrong. How do I fix this?)

OP posts:
Original poster
tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 20:11

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 20:03

I feel so sorry for the postets on here. Fat people can be so fatphobic. You're really your worst enemies it's no wonder.
I really wish you all some self love and respect for 2025.

But.... I am fat. I was fatter, but I'm still fat. It's impacted all aspects of my life and health for years. It was one of the reasons my husband left. My mum is dying and being her being fat has contributed.

I'm fatphobic because being fat is shit. Screw trying to love myself I need to be healthy as I'm all my kids have and I was dangerously unhealthy. My husband is currently parts unknown with his size 8 girlfriend leaving 3 distraught kids and I'm supposed to love myself?

If I'm spending £30 of my hard earned cash on a babysitter I want to go out, feel comfortable, flirt a bit and have fun. I'm human and I need to feel good about myself.

OP posts:
ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 01/03/2025 20:10

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 20:03

I feel so sorry for the postets on here. Fat people can be so fatphobic. You're really your worst enemies it's no wonder.
I really wish you all some self love and respect for 2025.

Wishing you some empathy and kindness .

JustSawJohnny · 01/03/2025 20:08

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 20:03

I feel so sorry for the postets on here. Fat people can be so fatphobic. You're really your worst enemies it's no wonder.
I really wish you all some self love and respect for 2025.

I can love and respect myself while knowing I don't look good.

Telling myself I look great when I don't is just a lying to myself.

I don't wish to be delusional.

It's not 'fat phobia', it's reality.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 01/03/2025 20:08

@TheStarOfTheShow

Despite your username this thread is not about you - despite your attempts in your post at making it so. If you are completely unable to have any empathy for the OP then it's best to not say anything.

cardibach · 01/03/2025 20:08

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 20:03

I feel so sorry for the postets on here. Fat people can be so fatphobic. You're really your worst enemies it's no wonder.
I really wish you all some self love and respect for 2025.

I’m fine thanks. Love my strong, capable, but size 18 body. What I hate is fancy dress.

Oh. And judgemental arseholes.

KateReddy · 01/03/2025 20:07

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 20:03

I feel so sorry for the postets on here. Fat people can be so fatphobic. You're really your worst enemies it's no wonder.
I really wish you all some self love and respect for 2025.

Hope you gain some sense of empathy and the ability to STFU.

cardibach · 01/03/2025 20:05

cardibach · 01/03/2025 19:59

This is really vile. Look at yourself a bit.

Show quote history

Why is it funny? You seem really unpleasant in that post. Judgemental.

Bikergran · 01/03/2025 20:04

tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 17:03

I’ve worried my friend a bit and want to know if I was unreasonable.

My friend has an anniversary coming up. She’s planned a party. We were having drinks and she said that the invites were going out soon and she’d picked a fantastic fancy dress theme (can’t what it is, too outing.)

All our other friends were excited - and then she saw my face. I made a joke about being grinchy about fancy dress, but that I was still very much looking forward to the party. She point blank asked me why I disliked fancy dress, and I’d had a few wines, and so I told her…

I’m fat. I’m 5’2” and was 16 stone. I’m now 13.5 stone and losing steadily but realistically I’ll be fat for a long time still. I’ve been fat for 15 years. My other friends are all slim (and about 5 inches taller!) It’s really easy when you’re a slender/standard size to go into a charity shop and get fun cheap things that fit the theme and which look great. As a size 18 -20 pickings are slim and usually dreadful. I spend a lot of time choosing nice going out clothes that don’t make me feel awful and that I feel confident in, but I’ll end up at a fancy dress party in something unflattering that makes me sad.

Buying ready made fancy dress is worse- nasty cheap material, usually slightly slutty.

At a 60s hen party a few years ago everyone was rocking fun micro mini dresses and knee boots they’d got in charity shops. They had nothing in my size so I was in some flares I’d had to order from Shien and a T-shirt I’d had to tie dye myself. The picture of us all just makes me feel terribly upset. I look like a tie dye whale. I did have a flattering wrap dress that I loved and made me happy but obviously couldn’t wear it. Dressing is just so much harder as a larger person.

Now, me being fat is a me problem. I’m fully aware of that, and I’m now finally managing to lose weight. This is my friend’s party and I’ll go regardless, and try not to feel like a self conscious lump. My friend is lovely and it’s not her fault I’m fat and that fancy dress makes me sad. But- other fat friends all feel the same. Fancy dress is a slim woman’s game.

My friend (5’10”, size 8) looks amazing in pretty much anything. She’s picked a theme that’s a bit risqué and will look sensational while I just can’t think of what I’ll do. I also work full time, have 3 junior aged children and a seriously unwell mother so no time to visit lots of shops/ make something.

As I said my friend is lovely and I feel sad that I’ve worried her. She asked her MIL, SIL and neighbour (all larger people) and apparently they all said the same as me- her MIL said she "dreaded" fancy dress. She’s now rethinking the theme or thinking of making it optional but I think that’ll be worse- people are lazy, there will only be a few people who bother dressing up and it’ll be a shame as it’s not what she wants.

I stand by my premise that fancy dress isn’t for fat people but was I unreasonable for saying something? She did ask….

(Ps I know I was wrong. How do I fix this?)

I agree. I go to quite a few events where there is a fancy dress theme, and I try to think of a twist on the theme. For instance, the theme was "shipwrecked" and I bought cat ears, painted my face, and went as the ship's cat.

It is so much harder when you're larger to find the right outfit. One awful time years ago I was helping with a training course for work. I bought a new expensive jacket and smart trousers for the event. Two days beforehand, my boss announced we were all going to wear sweatshirts with company logos on! I had to buy more trousers and boots to go with these, and still felt like a scruffy mess next to my tiny younger colleagues. YANBU.

KateReddy · 01/03/2025 20:04

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 19:57

You're incredibly negative I felt horrid reading your post your energy is so depressing I can only imagine how hard it must be to be you right now and with being a single mum with a dying mother this is such a tough time I hope you having in person support and therapy.

On the main point of the thread I think you were the other spectrum of being seld absorbed in that like your friend has no hang ups about dressing up, you are also too self absorbed in ruining the fun because you have created rules and barriers to what you can and can't wear.

I think it would be best to talk about your own self than generalise about all fat people because even if this thread fills up with confirmation bias it isn't the truth, certainly not my truth. I think your self loathing will continue even at a normal BMI because it sounds like it runs deep. You can refer to yourself as fat but hating yourself into change does not work long term.

I'm sad to say you've done this thing were slim people feel they have to tiptoe around fat people or alienate them just because you are skint and hate yourself too much you don't speak for other fat people. Just say YOU don't want to do it. Not all fat people think and feel like you do about yourself.

Jesus Christ!
Did you mean to be so vile?

Beeloux · 01/03/2025 20:03

CeruleanBelt · 01/03/2025 17:09

I'm the same height and weight as you and I'm a size 14-16 - i was a size 18-20 at 16st.

I get your point about the fancy dress, i hate fancy dress but you've lost a significant amount of weight, i doubt you're still a size 20. If you say what the theme is people may be able to come up with ideas that you might like and feel comfortable with.

And fat people can absolutely wear fancy dress if they want to. Please don't use your insecurity to put down other fat people.

People carry weight differently, I used to be 12 and a half stone at 5”8 and was a size 14/16.

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 20:03

I feel so sorry for the postets on here. Fat people can be so fatphobic. You're really your worst enemies it's no wonder.
I really wish you all some self love and respect for 2025.

JustSawJohnny · 01/03/2025 20:01

I'm fat myself so I feel your pain, but that pain isn't just for fancy dress parties.

Your argument seems to be that larger costumes don't look nearly as good as those on thin people, but NO CLOTHES look good on big people when compared to thin people. It's not just fancy dress, it's EVERYTHING. Not even shoes look as good on us!

As far as getting a costume, you should be able to get a plus size one on Amazon. The hat sounds like a great option. Or maybe something ridiculous, like those inflatable unicorn costumes?

Whether a size 4 or a 24, I'd rather go to a fancy dress party as someone riding an emu than as bloody cat woman! Take it as an opportunity to have fun, OP.

Neemie · 01/03/2025 20:00

I am not that comfortable in fancy dress but I usually wear something I already own and then I go for it on accessories. Things like flower power hair/ scarf/hat/jewellery. I find it quite fun because I’m entering into the spirit of it but don’t have to wear some godawful dress that doesn’t suit me.

Mrsredlipstick · 01/03/2025 19:59

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 19:57

You're incredibly negative I felt horrid reading your post your energy is so depressing I can only imagine how hard it must be to be you right now and with being a single mum with a dying mother this is such a tough time I hope you having in person support and therapy.

On the main point of the thread I think you were the other spectrum of being seld absorbed in that like your friend has no hang ups about dressing up, you are also too self absorbed in ruining the fun because you have created rules and barriers to what you can and can't wear.

I think it would be best to talk about your own self than generalise about all fat people because even if this thread fills up with confirmation bias it isn't the truth, certainly not my truth. I think your self loathing will continue even at a normal BMI because it sounds like it runs deep. You can refer to yourself as fat but hating yourself into change does not work long term.

I'm sad to say you've done this thing were slim people feel they have to tiptoe around fat people or alienate them just because you are skint and hate yourself too much you don't speak for other fat people. Just say YOU don't want to do it. Not all fat people think and feel like you do about yourself.

WTF!

cardibach · 01/03/2025 19:59

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 19:57

You're incredibly negative I felt horrid reading your post your energy is so depressing I can only imagine how hard it must be to be you right now and with being a single mum with a dying mother this is such a tough time I hope you having in person support and therapy.

On the main point of the thread I think you were the other spectrum of being seld absorbed in that like your friend has no hang ups about dressing up, you are also too self absorbed in ruining the fun because you have created rules and barriers to what you can and can't wear.

I think it would be best to talk about your own self than generalise about all fat people because even if this thread fills up with confirmation bias it isn't the truth, certainly not my truth. I think your self loathing will continue even at a normal BMI because it sounds like it runs deep. You can refer to yourself as fat but hating yourself into change does not work long term.

I'm sad to say you've done this thing were slim people feel they have to tiptoe around fat people or alienate them just because you are skint and hate yourself too much you don't speak for other fat people. Just say YOU don't want to do it. Not all fat people think and feel like you do about yourself.

This is really vile. Look at yourself a bit.

ThinWomansBrain · 01/03/2025 19:59

Just wear fancy dress and pretend you misunderstood the theme.
A friend has a fabulous strawberry costume that is positively enhanced by being plump.

Original poster
tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 19:58

MxFlibble · 01/03/2025 19:54

Oh I get you - I had to go to a flapper/20s theme party when I was a good 16 stone and 5' tall... I just wore shein sequin top/bottom and a headdress and tried not to look at all the skinnier types in their flapper dresses.

To be fair, everyone said I looked great, because they are my friends and they are lovely people, but lets face it, when you're pretty much as round as you are tall, nothing looks that great.

I'm also down to about 13.5 stone now (are you me OP ;) ) and a tight 16/easy 18 and fancy dress is easier, but still not easy - can you stretch it a bit? For lots of themes, sequins and accessories covers it I reckon - everyone loves some sparkle.

We're doppelgängers!

I'm definitely thinking less is more. Wear something I feel happy in and then add a few fun accessories.

I've been trying to be a showgirl when I'm more suited to the bearded lady!

OP posts:
TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 19:57

You're incredibly negative I felt horrid reading your post your energy is so depressing I can only imagine how hard it must be to be you right now and with being a single mum with a dying mother this is such a tough time I hope you having in person support and therapy.

On the main point of the thread I think you were the other spectrum of being seld absorbed in that like your friend has no hang ups about dressing up, you are also too self absorbed in ruining the fun because you have created rules and barriers to what you can and can't wear.

I think it would be best to talk about your own self than generalise about all fat people because even if this thread fills up with confirmation bias it isn't the truth, certainly not my truth. I think your self loathing will continue even at a normal BMI because it sounds like it runs deep. You can refer to yourself as fat but hating yourself into change does not work long term.

I'm sad to say you've done this thing were slim people feel they have to tiptoe around fat people or alienate them just because you are skint and hate yourself too much you don't speak for other fat people. Just say YOU don't want to do it. Not all fat people think and feel like you do about yourself.

Mrsredlipstick · 01/03/2025 19:56

Hello OP. I used to be a size 24, I always went as a nun. I still had fancy shoes etc. It didn't worry me. I'm a 16 now and if I were going a black tux and a low cut black t shirt underneath would be my choice. I'd wear a bowler hat and fierce red lipstick. Cigarette holder. Works for burlesque, moulin rouge, fossy etc. You feel empowered and show a bit of cleavage (or lots if you feel like it) . Stick on lashes and painted nails etc.
Go on ebay, there will be lots of second hand trouser suits after Christmas. Get a stretchy t shirt.

You have humour, the comment about doing the school run in a bikini was laugh out loud.
Tbh I said to my doctor yesterday why couldn't I lose all this weight in my 30s and 40s, it's bloody wasted!

Original poster
tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 19:56

MySpaceQueen · 01/03/2025 19:46

Congratulations on your weight loss to date !!

that’s excellent progress !! 💪

It's been slow and steady. Frankly it's the only time I've ever managed anything like this- no gimmicks just careful eating.
I gave up breakfast, booze (except for social occasions!) and all biscuits/ snacks. Main meals with the kids still the same but my portion size is 2/3 to 1/2 what it was. Gym during lunch at work 3 times a week for an hour. It's all I can manage and I think it worked because of 1) FEAR of dying and leaving my kids and 2) didn't have to actually change much.

Kids have finally noticed I'm smaller but haven't noticed me dieting at all which is good as I'm pretty sure my mums constant yo-yo dieting didn't do much for me....

OP posts:
MxFlibble · 01/03/2025 19:54

Oh I get you - I had to go to a flapper/20s theme party when I was a good 16 stone and 5' tall... I just wore shein sequin top/bottom and a headdress and tried not to look at all the skinnier types in their flapper dresses.

To be fair, everyone said I looked great, because they are my friends and they are lovely people, but lets face it, when you're pretty much as round as you are tall, nothing looks that great.

I'm also down to about 13.5 stone now (are you me OP ;) ) and a tight 16/easy 18 and fancy dress is easier, but still not easy - can you stretch it a bit? For lots of themes, sequins and accessories covers it I reckon - everyone loves some sparkle.

Sparsely · 01/03/2025 19:51

Agree with people above: just focus on the head or the face. So a headress, a hat, make up, a mask, some sunglasses/glasses. Failing that 2 enormous feather fans to hide behind.

YehThoughtSo · 01/03/2025 19:51

It's not just you - I'm size 10 and I despise fancy dress. I only feel comfortable / confident in very specific clothes. Just don't understand what is 'fun' about not looking like myself. I've turned down invites in the past because I can't be assed 'dressing up'.

Bogginsthe3rd · 01/03/2025 19:50

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 01/03/2025 18:38

Do you really think an overweight woman who feels less confident due to her size would want to go to a fancy dress party as The Fat Controller whilst all her friends are in sexy/flattering costumes? What's wrong with you ?

Show quote history

Ok- sexy fat controller then! Jeez!

Original poster
tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 19:50

LionME · 01/03/2025 19:37

A lot of people can’t imagine anything beyond their own experience.
Its the same with being disabled, having a chronic illness etc…

Just look at your friend. She couldn’t imagine you’d be right saying that being overweight/obese made it really hard to do the whole fancy dress thing. She had to check with several people close to her before starting to acknowledge how hard it is.
It doesn’t say anything particularly bad about your friend btw. I think it’s more of a reflection that people ‘don’t think’ much beyond what’s right in front of their eyes.

That's very insightful.
She's really a lovely person.

When DH pissed off she really stepped up. She still takes my oldest to a club she couldn't otherwise get to "because it's on her way" (spoiler- it's not on her way anywhere). Once when I had a meeting I couldn't miss she took the afternoon off and took my mum to the hospital and picked up my kids. Honestly this is why I think/ thought I should have sucked it up. However it never occurs to people who have never struggled that other people have different experiences.

OP posts: