Page 3 | Fancy dress isn't for fat people.

tiedyewhale · 2025-03-01T17:03:11+00:00

I’ve worried my friend a bit and want to know if I was unreasonable. My friend has an anniversary coming up. She’s planned a party. We were having drinks and she said that the invites were going out soon and she’d picked a fantastic fancy dress theme (can’t what it is, too outing.) All our other friends were excited - and then she saw my face. I made a joke about being grinchy about fancy dress, but that I was still very much looking forward to the party. She point blank asked me why I disliked fancy dress, and I’d had a few wines, and so I told her… I’m fat. I’m 5’2” and was 16 stone. I’m now 13.5 stone and losing steadily but realistically I’ll be fat for a long time still. I’ve been fat for 15 years. My other friends are all slim (and about 5 inches taller!) It’s really easy when you’re a slender/standard size to go into a charity shop and get fun cheap things that fit the theme and which look great. As a size 18 -20 pickings are slim and usually dreadful. I spend a lot of time choosing nice going out clothes that don’t make me feel awful and that I feel confident in, but I’ll end up at a fancy dress party in something unflattering that makes me sad. Buying ready made fancy dress is worse- nasty cheap material, usually slightly slutty. At a 60s hen party a few years ago everyone was rocking fun micro mini dresses and knee boots they’d got in charity shops. They had nothing in my size so I was in some flares I’d had to order from Shien and a T-shirt I’d had to tie dye myself. The picture of us all just makes me feel terribly upset. I look like a tie dye whale. I did have a flattering wrap dress that I loved and made me happy but obviously couldn’t wear it. Dressing is just so much harder as a larger person. Now, me being fat is a me problem. I’m fully aware of that, and I’m now finally managing to lose weight. This is my friend’s party and I’ll go regardless, and try not to feel like a self conscious lump. My friend is lovely and it’s not her fault I’m fat and that fancy dress makes me sad. But- other fat friends all feel the same. Fancy dress is a slim woman’s game. My friend (5’10”, size 8) looks amazing in pretty much anything. She’s picked a theme that’s a bit risqué and will look sensational while I just can’t think of what I’ll do. I also work full time, have 3 junior aged children and a seriously unwell mother so no time to visit lots of shops/ make something. As I said my friend is lovely and I feel sad that I’ve worried her. She asked her MIL, SIL and neighbour (all larger people) and apparently they all said the same as me- her MIL said she "dreaded" fancy dress. She’s now rethinking the theme or thinking of making it optional but I think that’ll be worse- people are lazy, there will only be a few people who bother dressing up and it’ll be a shame as it’s not what she wants. I stand by my premise that fancy dress isn’t for fat people but was I unreasonable for saying something? She did ask…. (Ps I know I was wrong. How do I fix this?)

cardibach · 01/03/2025 22:06

stressedtothemaxdotcom · 01/03/2025 21:53

I was just going to say the same.
Most clothes are 14 apart from jeans which are 16.
However. I started mounjaro 3rd Jan and I'm down 1 and a half stone which means most of my side 12 clothes fit again
So if you want to lose some weight then do it.
When is the party OP?

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I wouldn’t have thought being a 16 would put you into the eligibility for Mounjaro. Well done on your loss though

MyLimeGuide · 01/03/2025 22:00

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 19:57

You're incredibly negative I felt horrid reading your post your energy is so depressing I can only imagine how hard it must be to be you right now and with being a single mum with a dying mother this is such a tough time I hope you having in person support and therapy.

On the main point of the thread I think you were the other spectrum of being seld absorbed in that like your friend has no hang ups about dressing up, you are also too self absorbed in ruining the fun because you have created rules and barriers to what you can and can't wear.

I think it would be best to talk about your own self than generalise about all fat people because even if this thread fills up with confirmation bias it isn't the truth, certainly not my truth. I think your self loathing will continue even at a normal BMI because it sounds like it runs deep. You can refer to yourself as fat but hating yourself into change does not work long term.

I'm sad to say you've done this thing were slim people feel they have to tiptoe around fat people or alienate them just because you are skint and hate yourself too much you don't speak for other fat people. Just say YOU don't want to do it. Not all fat people think and feel like you do about yourself.

Are you a real person?!

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/03/2025 21:57

tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 21:28

Hi. I'm not sure I'm understanding this. People have been nice. People have been not so nice. It's all been pretty fair as I know I'm a bit of a mess.
What's the temperance league and people thinking they're funny got to do with it all? I really think that even the slightly more "robust" responses had value to me.

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Saturday nights are odd on MN. There is usually a cohort who dont drink except for Saturday nights and then turn nasty when they do. They think that they are being insightful and hilarious but this is almost never the case. Its a bit "if you know, you know". Apologies if I derailed, that was not my intention.

stressedtothemaxdotcom · 01/03/2025 21:53

CeruleanBelt · 01/03/2025 17:09

I'm the same height and weight as you and I'm a size 14-16 - i was a size 18-20 at 16st.

I get your point about the fancy dress, i hate fancy dress but you've lost a significant amount of weight, i doubt you're still a size 20. If you say what the theme is people may be able to come up with ideas that you might like and feel comfortable with.

And fat people can absolutely wear fancy dress if they want to. Please don't use your insecurity to put down other fat people.

I was just going to say the same.
Most clothes are 14 apart from jeans which are 16.
However. I started mounjaro 3rd Jan and I'm down 1 and a half stone which means most of my side 12 clothes fit again
So if you want to lose some weight then do it.
When is the party OP?

Original poster

tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 21:28

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/03/2025 21:14

Cant beat Saturday night on MN. All the members of the School Night Temperance League allow themselves a glass of wine and think it turns them into wise and funny contributors.

Hi. I'm not sure I'm understanding this. People have been nice. People have been not so nice. It's all been pretty fair as I know I'm a bit of a mess.
What's the temperance league and people thinking they're funny got to do with it all? I really think that even the slightly more "robust" responses had value to me.

OP posts:

Evidemment · 01/03/2025 21:27

verysmellyjelly · 01/03/2025 21:23

Bit ironic that the posters lecturing about fatphobia are the ones actually trying to make people feel like crap.

Ain't that just the truth mate

Especially the declaring everyone must hate themselves if they don't agree. Got to wonder if someone is bored enough to be sat trolling on mumsnet of all places or if they are really that dim on the emotional intellect front. Bless.

verysmellyjelly · 01/03/2025 21:23

Bit ironic that the posters lecturing about fatphobia are the ones actually trying to make people feel like crap.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/03/2025 21:14

Cant beat Saturday night on MN. All the members of the School Night Temperance League allow themselves a glass of wine and think it turns them into wise and funny contributors.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 01/03/2025 21:06

but I also know that if I hadn't have got fat he'd probably still be with us and my kids would have dad and I'd have support

You do know though, that this is definitely a problem with him, not you, right?

I get that it’s massively traumatised you about your weight (how could it not!), but I hope you remind yourself this is massively on him, not you. Only a shitbag leaves - he could have stayed and helped and encouraged you to get to a healthy weight. You are not defined or valued by how you look.

Original poster

tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 21:05

Mrsredlipstick · 01/03/2025 20:35

I can't dm you as there was a horrific incident a few weeks ago. They disable at the weekends atm.

I can help with an outfit. No charge. Just send back when finished with.
When is the party? Let's see if I can help.

Crikey- I missed that. Probably for the best!
Thank you but I'm fine really. I got buoyed up by a lot of lovely messages ( there's a LOT of people out there who hate fancy dress which was unexpected!) and then a bit thrown by the few people with a very different perspective and I think I overshared. I'm really hoping this doesn't go anywhere as hiding the party theme won't make it anonymous with everything else I shared! I'm really trying not to make her party all about me which worries me.

OP posts:

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 01/03/2025 21:01

tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 20:29

But.... I'm tired. I'm too old and tired for this shit.

I drop the kids off at pre -school kids club as soon as it opens at 8.00. Drive to work PRAYING traffic isn't bad. Work until 5.00. Drive home PRAYING traffic isn't bad and pick the up from after school kids club at 5.30. This costs me hundreds of pounds for 3 kids. Work when they're in bed to catch up.

I'm paying for my mum's Ubers to and from hospital as she's not well enough to get the bus. Visit mum with 3 kids in tow to do cleaning and shopping at the weekend as well as my own. I'm paying for the mortgage and all the kids expenses on my own and (ex) DH is awol finding himself.

My friends are a lifeline and frankly without party hosting friend I'd have collapsed months ago. She's a STAHM and has been so helpful.

However I just want an evening out without it taking planning or sourcing or visiting multiple shops and I'd like to feel good about myself.

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Can I just say OP- you sound like an absolutely wonderful person. I love that you look out for your mum despite your own shit going on. I am in awe of how hard you are working to keep your kids’ lives stable. Massive massive respect and love to you.

You are doing great with your weight loss. And yes you do deserve to feel good about yourself. Some people can do that whilst being fat, others can’t - myself included. It’s ok to want to be thinner, and you sound like you’ve made super progress in a really healthy way. I hope you post back when you’re a size 10 going to a fancy dress party feeling amazing…or maybe you’ll still hate it anyway!!

Original poster

tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 21:00

Uol2022 · 01/03/2025 20:46

Wow it sounds like you’ve been going through a lot with your H buggering off and your mum being unwell. Struggling to find the right way to say well done for the weight loss but also your H was an absolute fool to leave someone as lovely as you seem, and a shit for abandoning his children, and I hate that that’s left you feeling so awful about your weight.

Fully agree about fancy dress. I’m not quite fat but definitely not slim and also quite short and a bit weird looking… it’s not easy to find clothes that sit well on me and I almost never look good in photos. Combined with natural modesty / shyness and an inclination for fading into the background in social situations - fancy dress is not my thing. Like previous posters, if forced I do something that just needs an accessory.

I think you were right to say what you did. Your friend sounds wonderful but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to share how you feel. I don’t think you said it in a dramatic or mean way, she asked and she obviously listened and cared about what you said. A friend like that is worth their weight in gold. As are you.

You've made me tear up.
Thank you.
I think as you say that I'm not a natural exhibitionist so dressing up will always be hard.

With regard to "D"H all I'll say is that lots of people tell me to be grateful he "showed his true colours" and truly he's been an unmitigated shit bag in the last few years. What haunts me though is... he wasn't shitty when we married and I was a size 10. He was a lovely husband and father. Me getting fat was the trigger for him to leave. I know this makes him awful- he never gave me chance to fix things and he's been a terrible absent father. I know all about "in sickness and in health" etc but I also know that if I hadn't have got fat he'd probably still be with us and my kids would have dad and I'd have support and not be stressing about a burlesque costume party.

OP posts:

ThePoshUns · 01/03/2025 20:54

Omg @velmy did you actually intend to be so horrible? Wow.

Uol2022 · 01/03/2025 20:46

Wow it sounds like you’ve been going through a lot with your H buggering off and your mum being unwell. Struggling to find the right way to say well done for the weight loss but also your H was an absolute fool to leave someone as lovely as you seem, and a shit for abandoning his children, and I hate that that’s left you feeling so awful about your weight.

Fully agree about fancy dress. I’m not quite fat but definitely not slim and also quite short and a bit weird looking… it’s not easy to find clothes that sit well on me and I almost never look good in photos. Combined with natural modesty / shyness and an inclination for fading into the background in social situations - fancy dress is not my thing. Like previous posters, if forced I do something that just needs an accessory.

I think you were right to say what you did. Your friend sounds wonderful but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to share how you feel. I don’t think you said it in a dramatic or mean way, she asked and she obviously listened and cared about what you said. A friend like that is worth their weight in gold. As are you.

cardibach · 01/03/2025 20:38

Velmy · 01/03/2025 20:37

You and most of the rest of the world 🤷🏻‍♂️

You can't expect to put in zero effort and have the result you desire to appear out of nowhere. You either do something about it, or you don't go to fancy dress parties until you've lost enough weight that you feel comfortable enough, it's not rocket science.

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What a lovely message. Not.
Totally lacking in empathy. What a vile person you seem to be.

Velmy · 01/03/2025 20:37

tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 20:29

But.... I'm tired. I'm too old and tired for this shit.

I drop the kids off at pre -school kids club as soon as it opens at 8.00. Drive to work PRAYING traffic isn't bad. Work until 5.00. Drive home PRAYING traffic isn't bad and pick the up from after school kids club at 5.30. This costs me hundreds of pounds for 3 kids. Work when they're in bed to catch up.

I'm paying for my mum's Ubers to and from hospital as she's not well enough to get the bus. Visit mum with 3 kids in tow to do cleaning and shopping at the weekend as well as my own. I'm paying for the mortgage and all the kids expenses on my own and (ex) DH is awol finding himself.

My friends are a lifeline and frankly without party hosting friend I'd have collapsed months ago. She's a STAHM and has been so helpful.

However I just want an evening out without it taking planning or sourcing or visiting multiple shops and I'd like to feel good about myself.

Show quote history

You and most of the rest of the world 🤷🏻‍♂️

You can't expect to put in zero effort and have the result you desire to appear out of nowhere. You either do something about it, or you don't go to fancy dress parties until you've lost enough weight that you feel comfortable enough, it's not rocket science.

dapsnotplimsolls · 01/03/2025 20:35

tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 20:29

But.... I'm tired. I'm too old and tired for this shit.

I drop the kids off at pre -school kids club as soon as it opens at 8.00. Drive to work PRAYING traffic isn't bad. Work until 5.00. Drive home PRAYING traffic isn't bad and pick the up from after school kids club at 5.30. This costs me hundreds of pounds for 3 kids. Work when they're in bed to catch up.

I'm paying for my mum's Ubers to and from hospital as she's not well enough to get the bus. Visit mum with 3 kids in tow to do cleaning and shopping at the weekend as well as my own. I'm paying for the mortgage and all the kids expenses on my own and (ex) DH is awol finding himself.

My friends are a lifeline and frankly without party hosting friend I'd have collapsed months ago. She's a STAHM and has been so helpful.

However I just want an evening out without it taking planning or sourcing or visiting multiple shops and I'd like to feel good about myself.

Show quote history

If she goes ahead with it, set yourself a maximum of £10 and go online to get accessories. See if you can borrow anything.

Mrsredlipstick · 01/03/2025 20:35

I can't dm you as there was a horrific incident a few weeks ago. They disable at the weekends atm.

I can help with an outfit. No charge. Just send back when finished with.
When is the party? Let's see if I can help.

Original poster

tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 20:29

Velmy · 01/03/2025 20:15

I stand by my premise that fancy dress isn’t for fat people

Have you ever been to a comiccon? There are hundreds of 'larger' men and women at the things all in incredible outfits. You just need to put some thoughts into who you're going to go as.

But.... I'm tired. I'm too old and tired for this shit.

I drop the kids off at pre -school kids club as soon as it opens at 8.00. Drive to work PRAYING traffic isn't bad. Work until 5.00. Drive home PRAYING traffic isn't bad and pick the up from after school kids club at 5.30. This costs me hundreds of pounds for 3 kids. Work when they're in bed to catch up.

I'm paying for my mum's Ubers to and from hospital as she's not well enough to get the bus. Visit mum with 3 kids in tow to do cleaning and shopping at the weekend as well as my own. I'm paying for the mortgage and all the kids expenses on my own and (ex) DH is awol finding himself.

My friends are a lifeline and frankly without party hosting friend I'd have collapsed months ago. She's a STAHM and has been so helpful.

However I just want an evening out without it taking planning or sourcing or visiting multiple shops and I'd like to feel good about myself.

OP posts:

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 20:23

Velmy · 01/03/2025 20:15

I stand by my premise that fancy dress isn’t for fat people

Have you ever been to a comiccon? There are hundreds of 'larger' men and women at the things all in incredible outfits. You just need to put some thoughts into who you're going to go as.

Be careful they will pelt you with rotten tomatoes and call you vile for not joining in with the fatphobia and pity party!!

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 20:22

Evidemment · 01/03/2025 20:13

Well aren't you just a nasty piece of work.

OP I get you and I understand you and frankly it's bizarre to me that people are on here trying to explain to you how you don't actually feel the way you feel or that you're wrong for having your feelings. At the end of the day your question was not "please could you preach to me about the body I live in and none of you have seen" it was whether or not you should have said anything. If your mate genuinely had no idea some people loathe fancy dress or that it's more difficult for certain body shapes to dress themselves in, then she needed to hear it.

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I thought my reply was very helpful actually. I told her she needs support for her feelings and that her feelings do not speak for all fat people as her post is very much 'i hate x therefore all fat people hate x and how dare slim people not know this about us'. The op didn't stop at herself she generalised for all fat people and then the thread became a circle jerk for fatphobia. I'm so sorry that you hate yourselves so much but please do not project on others just because they share the same number on the scales or dress size.

pictoosh · 01/03/2025 20:20

I absolutely feel you OP. Fancy dress is for the slinky malinkis to strut around in and it's utterly crap being the one who can't join in.
I used to be a size 22 and dreaded an invite to a fancy dress party for this reason.
I'm a size 10 now and I still hate them but just because they're not my idea of fun now. I'm a misersable cow...cba.

Movinghouseatlast · 01/03/2025 20:16

I always wear the same thing to every fancy dress. It's a 50's sticky out underskirt in black.

I have been a bad fairy, a 19t0's movie star, Marilyn Monroe and a pixie just with different accessories/wigs/make-up.

To add I was the same weight as you last time I wore it, as the movie star. I wore a lot of make-up, high heels, a short fake fur jacket, a big choker necklace and a low cut black top. Did my hair all curly. I wanted to carry a fake Oscar but coukdn't find one You can find weight appropriate outfits that fit the theme.

Velmy · 01/03/2025 20:15

I stand by my premise that fancy dress isn’t for fat people

Have you ever been to a comiccon? There are hundreds of 'larger' men and women at the things all in incredible outfits. You just need to put some thoughts into who you're going to go as.

Evidemment · 01/03/2025 20:13

TheStarOfTheShow · 01/03/2025 19:57

You're incredibly negative I felt horrid reading your post your energy is so depressing I can only imagine how hard it must be to be you right now and with being a single mum with a dying mother this is such a tough time I hope you having in person support and therapy.

On the main point of the thread I think you were the other spectrum of being seld absorbed in that like your friend has no hang ups about dressing up, you are also too self absorbed in ruining the fun because you have created rules and barriers to what you can and can't wear.

I think it would be best to talk about your own self than generalise about all fat people because even if this thread fills up with confirmation bias it isn't the truth, certainly not my truth. I think your self loathing will continue even at a normal BMI because it sounds like it runs deep. You can refer to yourself as fat but hating yourself into change does not work long term.

I'm sad to say you've done this thing were slim people feel they have to tiptoe around fat people or alienate them just because you are skint and hate yourself too much you don't speak for other fat people. Just say YOU don't want to do it. Not all fat people think and feel like you do about yourself.

Well aren't you just a nasty piece of work.

OP I get you and I understand you and frankly it's bizarre to me that people are on here trying to explain to you how you don't actually feel the way you feel or that you're wrong for having your feelings. At the end of the day your question was not "please could you preach to me about the body I live in and none of you have seen" it was whether or not you should have said anything. If your mate genuinely had no idea some people loathe fancy dress or that it's more difficult for certain body shapes to dress themselves in, then she needed to hear it.