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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fancy dress isn't for fat people.

287 replies

tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 17:03

I’ve worried my friend a bit and want to know if I was unreasonable.

My friend has an anniversary coming up. She’s planned a party. We were having drinks and she said that the invites were going out soon and she’d picked a fantastic fancy dress theme (can’t what it is, too outing.)

All our other friends were excited - and then she saw my face. I made a joke about being grinchy about fancy dress, but that I was still very much looking forward to the party. She point blank asked me why I disliked fancy dress, and I’d had a few wines, and so I told her…

I’m fat. I’m 5’2” and was 16 stone. I’m now 13.5 stone and losing steadily but realistically I’ll be fat for a long time still. I’ve been fat for 15 years. My other friends are all slim (and about 5 inches taller!) It’s really easy when you’re a slender/standard size to go into a charity shop and get fun cheap things that fit the theme and which look great. As a size 18 -20 pickings are slim and usually dreadful. I spend a lot of time choosing nice going out clothes that don’t make me feel awful and that I feel confident in, but I’ll end up at a fancy dress party in something unflattering that makes me sad.

Buying ready made fancy dress is worse- nasty cheap material, usually slightly slutty.

At a 60s hen party a few years ago everyone was rocking fun micro mini dresses and knee boots they’d got in charity shops. They had nothing in my size so I was in some flares I’d had to order from Shien and a T-shirt I’d had to tie dye myself. The picture of us all just makes me feel terribly upset. I look like a tie dye whale. I did have a flattering wrap dress that I loved and made me happy but obviously couldn’t wear it. Dressing is just so much harder as a larger person.

Now, me being fat is a me problem. I’m fully aware of that, and I’m now finally managing to lose weight. This is my friend’s party and I’ll go regardless, and try not to feel like a self conscious lump. My friend is lovely and it’s not her fault I’m fat and that fancy dress makes me sad. But- other fat friends all feel the same. Fancy dress is a slim woman’s game.

My friend (5’10”, size 8) looks amazing in pretty much anything. She’s picked a theme that’s a bit risqué and will look sensational while I just can’t think of what I’ll do. I also work full time, have 3 junior aged children and a seriously unwell mother so no time to visit lots of shops/ make something.

As I said my friend is lovely and I feel sad that I’ve worried her. She asked her MIL, SIL and neighbour (all larger people) and apparently they all said the same as me- her MIL said she "dreaded" fancy dress. She’s now rethinking the theme or thinking of making it optional but I think that’ll be worse- people are lazy, there will only be a few people who bother dressing up and it’ll be a shame as it’s not what she wants.

I stand by my premise that fancy dress isn’t for fat people but was I unreasonable for saying something? She did ask….

(Ps I know I was wrong. How do I fix this?)

OP posts:
WoahThreeAces · 01/03/2025 17:35

I'm the opposite! I'm fat and I love fancy dress. Much prefer it to trying to be dressy and impressive at a party. For me, fancy dress is about fun and looking a bit daft, so I don't have thr pressure of having to look nice. I struggle with "normal" party wear as my insecurities about my weight / appearance means I never feel like I look nice in anything. But fancy dress I go all in and look amazing because I don't have to look attractive, just odd and daft and fun.

tygertygers · 01/03/2025 17:33

Jumpingthruhoops · 01/03/2025 17:26

The first thing you need to do is stop comparing yourself to other people - comparison is the thief of joy.

You need to be happy in YOUR own skin - whatever size it is. The important thing is that you go to your friends party and have fun - and I'm pretty sure there are ways to embrace the fancy dress theme.

If it's something 'showbizzy', for example, can't you go as a well known star/character from TV/film/musical who is of larger build? There are plenty of them. I think if you did some research you could put together a cool outfit that looks great and doesn't break the bank!

Good idea - OP could be jabba the hut or Fat Bastard.

Seriously though, "dress as a famous fat person" is an odd suggestion to give someone who has said they lack body confidence!

TheWorminLabyrinth · 01/03/2025 17:32

YANBU to feel how you feel and if you dislike fancy dress that's of course up to you. It isn't just for slimmer people though, honest! I've been going to a big organised halloween bash every year for the last 10 plus years, and have gone as a size 10, a size 22, and everything in between.

As a PP says, the theme won't be outing - just tell us what it is and I am positive that people can come up with ideas. Even if you just want to give a 'nod' to the theme.

Crunchymum · 01/03/2025 17:31

I absolutely detest fancy dress. Detested as a size 8 and a size 20 (and everything in-between). I even hate it for the kids.... as I'm still left to sort it, even if I'm not actually partaking.

Fancy dress can fuck off. Thankfully I don't have much of a social life these days so it shouldn't be an issue for me any time soon.

MissDoubleU · 01/03/2025 17:30

And again, I’m highlighting, I’m a big girl. I’m not always in love with my body and I certainly won’t be shoving myself into a Xena outfit either. I won’t wear something unless my arms are covered, shopping is NOT fun for me ever. But this should be. Do it YOUR way, however that looks. If it’s only a teeny tiny bit on theme, that’s fine. Your attendance means much more than how on point a costume is!

GreyCarpet · 01/03/2025 17:29

Tbh, OP, I hate fancy dress. My partner loves it so, on the occasions we've been invited to a fancy dress night, he's straight in there!

Me? I turn up in whatever I want to wear. I'm never the only one. And I don't care what anyone thinks about it either.

MissDoubleU · 01/03/2025 17:27

tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 17:21

Realistically- I've a £30 budget and no time.

I'm also crippled with body insecurity and frankly lots of self loathing.

Strapping myself into a Xena Warrior princess cos play outfit won't be happening and realistically WON'T LOOK GOOD. I'd look a lot better in an outfit I've carefully chosen and feel comfortable and happy in.

Show quote history

But this is why I said fancy dress doesn’t have to be all-in. Take the basis of an outfit you’re already comfortable and confident in and accessorise it. You’ve not said the theme but take the 60’s theme - it doesn’t have to be so basic and literal with stereotypes of hippies. It’s probably out one of the easiest to fashion together. You can take almost any dress you already own and add a specific hat and neck scarf, or those cat eye shades. You don’t need to SCREAM 60’s. It’s meant to be fun and creative and while some people will rent costumes or go full pelt, not everyone has to. The point is just to enjoy everyone’s efforts.

I had a Lord of the rings themed costume party once. Some people wore their already owned best hobbit clothes. A couple of guys made armour with cardboard. One girl wore a gold dress and just said she was the ring. One guy wore a fake beard and said he was Peter Jackson. I thought everyone’s efforts were perfect, hilarious, and I loved ALL effort (big and small) because everyone was on board with it. We all had fun and it was all silly. It’s just not that deep girl.

Jumpingthruhoops · 01/03/2025 17:26

The first thing you need to do is stop comparing yourself to other people - comparison is the thief of joy.

You need to be happy in YOUR own skin - whatever size it is. The important thing is that you go to your friends party and have fun - and I'm pretty sure there are ways to embrace the fancy dress theme.

If it's something 'showbizzy', for example, can't you go as a well known star/character from TV/film/musical who is of larger build? There are plenty of them. I think if you did some research you could put together a cool outfit that looks great and doesn't break the bank!

Original poster
tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 17:26

Doggymummar · 01/03/2025 17:23

I was an 18.20 and larger and always dresses as a black cat, or Minnie mouse. Ears a tail and a black catsuit or red spotty dress for Minnie. I hate it too but at least I tried.

Edited

I'm getting some good ideas for simply making a token effort so thank everyone.

What comes across though is how much we all hate it. You did it, made an effort but would have felt so much happier in something nicer

I stand by what I said (in so much as it was true) but still think I should have zipped it.

OP posts:
erinaceus · 01/03/2025 17:23

I do not like fancy dress. My usual approach is to wear whatever I usually wear and feel comfortable in and then take one obvious accessory to show willing. I once went to an 80s themed hen night - I dressed up a bit and carried a Eurythmics LP. All my friends wore neon/fishnets/whatever but that kind of self-humiliation is not my idea of fun.

I agree, post the theme and your parameters. I am sure MN can come up with some creative suggestions.

A hat is a great idea, if you craft a good one people will be captivated and not comment on the rest of your outfit. I usually take something to carry and wave it at anyone who asks.

Doggymummar · 01/03/2025 17:23

I was an 18.20 and larger and always dresses as a black cat, or Minnie mouse. Ears a tail and a black catsuit or red spotty dress for Minnie. I hate it too but at least I tried.

CeruleanBelt · 01/03/2025 17:22

tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 17:21

Realistically- I've a £30 budget and no time.

I'm also crippled with body insecurity and frankly lots of self loathing.

Strapping myself into a Xena Warrior princess cos play outfit won't be happening and realistically WON'T LOOK GOOD. I'd look a lot better in an outfit I've carefully chosen and feel comfortable and happy in.

Show quote history

Who is insisting that you strap yourself into a xena outfit?

Original poster
tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 17:21

Kilroywashere · 01/03/2025 17:19

I was invited to a Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy party once. I just wore a party dress with a themed hat (Pan-galactic gargle blaster cocktail 🍸😁)

"The Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is an alcoholic beverage invented by ex-President of the Galaxy Zaphod Beeblebrox, considered by the Guide to be the "Best Drink in Existence." Its effects are similar to "having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick." "

Love this.

Hats might be the way to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 17:21

MissDoubleU · 01/03/2025 17:17

YABU. People of every size can and should be able to express themselves. You have to work with your shape and not be afraid of it. I’ve always, always been a bigger girl. Look up plus size cosplayers and get some confidence in you.

There are always ways to do it, you don’t even have to go “all in” when it’s just a fancy dress party. You’re putting way too much into it, it’s meant to be fun. Stick with what you know and are comfortable with and angle it towards the theme in whatever creative way you want.

Realistically- I've a £30 budget and no time.

I'm also crippled with body insecurity and frankly lots of self loathing.

Strapping myself into a Xena Warrior princess cos play outfit won't be happening and realistically WON'T LOOK GOOD. I'd look a lot better in an outfit I've carefully chosen and feel comfortable and happy in.

OP posts:
MummytoE · 01/03/2025 17:21

I don't mind fancy dress but I hate compulsory fancy dress!! You must dress up?! No. I'm an adult ill wear what I want lol. Also spending money and time on a costume to wear once is incredibly wasteful in my mind. I imagine there's a few people out there that actually enjoy these kind of parties but I think they are a minority Tell your friend you're coming but you'll be wearing your own clothes, maybe an appropriate accessory or two x

ExtraOnions · 01/03/2025 17:19

I am much fatter than you .. have been to lots of Fancy Dress parties. You just wear regular clothes, that look nice on you .. and adapt / accessorise.

No cheap fibres, no ready made costumes, just regular clothes.

Kilroywashere · 01/03/2025 17:19

I was invited to a Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy party once. I just wore a party dress with a themed hat (Pan-galactic gargle blaster cocktail 🍸😁)

"The Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is an alcoholic beverage invented by ex-President of the Galaxy Zaphod Beeblebrox, considered by the Guide to be the "Best Drink in Existence." Its effects are similar to "having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick." "

GreyCarpet · 01/03/2025 17:19

Tbh, revealing the theme won't be outing. If the party host reads the thread, she'll recognise you anyway.

I'd say what it is and see what people suggest 👍

MissDoubleU · 01/03/2025 17:17

YABU. People of every size can and should be able to express themselves. You have to work with your shape and not be afraid of it. I’ve always, always been a bigger girl. Look up plus size cosplayers and get some confidence in you.

There are always ways to do it, you don’t even have to go “all in” when it’s just a fancy dress party. You’re putting way too much into it, it’s meant to be fun. Stick with what you know and are comfortable with and angle it towards the theme in whatever creative way you want.

Bumbers · 01/03/2025 17:16

I'm a bit overweight and feel the same. I hate it. It is a lot of stress, and often cost, to have to wear something that makes me feel bad about myself. I loathe fancy dress.

Original poster
tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 17:16

Fibrous · 01/03/2025 17:13

Yes absolutely. I was just explaining this to my DP. We’re going to a fancy dress party this evening and he left it to the last minute to get an outfit. He was saying how difficult it is for some ridiculous reason or other and I said you are six foot tall and ten stone. You can go in and wear anything and it’ll hang right on you. I’m five one and mildly plump. It’s a mission finding normal clothes to look good let alone fancy dress. So yeah, if you’re fat and short, it must be impossible. Surely your friend gets this?

Apparently it was news to her!

OP posts:
Whaleandsnail6 · 01/03/2025 17:15

I'm on the fence...its her party and she was obviously excited and happy about the theme. Your honesty has put a dampener on that for her, so much so that she is now not sure if she will go ahead with the party the way she wants to with the fancy dress. You're right, given the choice, a lot of people probably wouldn't bother with fancy dress.

However, you cant help how you feel and she did ask.

Loopytiles · 01/03/2025 17:14

YANBU at all!

MrsJHernandez · 01/03/2025 17:14

I don't think you were unreasonable.

You were talking about yourself and your own insecurities. She asked, and you told her!

Maybe you could put up another post with the theme and ask for help finding outfits to suit your frame.

Original poster
tiedyewhale · 01/03/2025 17:14

RhiWrites · 01/03/2025 17:10

I get where you’re coming from but I feel like you may be overthinking the theme. For the 60s party was the wrap dress completely impossible? Could you not have worn that with some floral accessories and the charity shop boots? Shoes and boots are something that is mercifully unaffected by weight (although very muscular calves can limit you).

I’ve been various sizes and done fancy dress in all of them. But I like dressing up.

I think that's the thing- I hate dressing up. I'm sure there will be loads of body confident size 18s telling me that I'm wrong and should love myself but that's not possible for me and frankly for the majority of the larger women I know. I see myself standing there awkwardly in ill fitting man made fibres and cringe.
Dressing up is only fun if you feel you look good and I never look good.

OP posts: