Woken up by adult kids AGAIN.... AIBU

Establishing boundaries in long term relationships is not easy but it is important work. Whether your son stays with this girlfriend or not the principle of how he treats you as his mother and main provider of the roof over his head, is important. You have every right to expect them to respect your sleep it shouldn't be an either/or. If they want to stay out to the small hours then its not difficult to know you have to creep in and go straight to bed. Young adults have been doing it for generations its a very useful skill !!!! It seems your son and his GF want both - to stay out and then return to the house as if only their timeframes matter. As you are doing, there needs to be clear consequences for ongoing abuse - tell them off and send her home. But leave it there, next meeting greet them with positivity and welcome. As you say they are not the problem their behaviour is. I would treat any invitation to a 'talk' with more clear boundaries - when you are accused of not liking the GF you correct that - this is not about you as a person, you are most welcome, this is about both of you disrespecting my sleep - and yes if my sleep is disturbed I will not be in a tolerant mood. The solution here is don't keep doing it and we can all get along fine. Now who would like a cuppa?

Try to make sure that you mean what you say, don't carry on any animosity after you have addressed it that way you are modelling what you expect and show that you can deliver the same. If she stays with your son, this will be a good foundation from which you can set your personal boundaries for both of them. What other people do, her mother, your ex is irrelevant - they will have to navigate the consequences of what they allow and tolerate. You can only manage your relationships on your terms.

May I also say that I am really fed up of the current wisdom that if you stand up to your adult kids, they will go no contact. Well, let them.
The alternative seems to be for mums- and it's always mums- to be treated like shit. Often by partners of their kids.

I have raised 3 teenagers who are all now much older and with their own families.

If I heard them come in it was mainly because I often stayed awake till I knew they were back ( I know, I know) but they were very, very quiet.

The food being delivered, or cooking at 3am is abso-bloody-lutely ridiculous! They can stop at a kebab shop like everyone else and then go back to her house share!

Agree with this - he has no respect

I’d love to know who has voted YABU, OP - and why?!

You’re putting a lot of the blame on her but it seems DS is equally to blame here.

It sounds like she wasn’t planning on coming over last night but he talked her around.

You can give her as many rules as you like but DS is your son and if he doesn’t follow them then neither will she.

I would absolutely put my foot down about people coming in after X o’clock.

I would also make a rule that no one stays over during the week.

She has somewhere to stay and if he wants to spend the night with her he can go to hers.

Honestly it sounds like you spoil him and tip toe around him.

Sit him down and tell him how it’s going to be from now on.

This ! In my 20s, or at any time, I would not have made noise or disrupted parents in the place I was staying. It is so disrespectful.

Every day there is a thread complaining about how boomers and Gen X do not understand the problems of young people in a CoL crisis.

Yes, we do.That is why I don't charge rent and they can stay as long as they want. But I am not going to subsidise or tolerate other people's kids in my home. So many instances of young people living at home taking advantage.

@rubberduck68

why don’t they move out into a house share with other young people then they can do what they like? That’s what I did. This whole thing about adults living with their parents and expecting all the perks of that but not having to live by the rules is just ridiculous

Well this is rich. It's your home and you get told off! She doesn't stay any longer. Even when you share a house you pay rent for you can't bang about and wake everyone up. They are trying to gang up on you the CFs. It's your house that you pay for.

It will be interesting to see how his DF deals with it ...

I predict there will be problems within a month when they move in with Disney Dad. His gf will be kicking off!

I had this happen with one of my kids for a while and told them in no uncertain terms that if they couldn't keep the noise down late at night, their boyfriend wouldn't be welcome back.

If your son's girlfriend had called such a meeting with me, she would have got a double fuck off and told not to come back again, ever.

It’s hard to feel sorry for you OP because you are allowing them to treat you in a totally unacceptable way.

If this was me the little cunt would never step foot in my house again.

Agree with her - you DONT like the little madam, because her behaviour is deeply dislikeable.

The only one who can change that is her.

Seriously, whenever I read a post like this it takes me back to the days when I was in the same situation with adult children and their partners. I caved in to their demands & their rules only to find myself tippy toeing around them, being dictated to in my own home and resenting every bit of it.
Enough! I totally cracked the sh#ts and evicted them, it took some work but I got there in the end.
Today’s well meaning parents are raising a bunch of over indulged and entitled children that love to call the shots on how it’s going to be when they have reached adulthood.
Rise up dear OP! It’s your home, your life and you’ve earned every right to live peacefully on your terms. Kick them to the kerb asap, you won’t regret it and they will get a quick lesson on how to be financially responsible, independent and self sufficient. And they’ll soon learn what it’s like to be a real adult where the world doesn’t cater to their every demand.
Good luck, you can do it!!

Historically whenever I have put a boundary down with these two I am called to a meeting by them a few days later where she claims I don't like her

Wow the level of disrespect here is crazy. OP you are not remotely unreasonable to have these boundaries, and enforce them!

This!

Woahhhhhh

Neither of them are contributing to your household finances as your DS lost his job a few months ago? And she called a house meeting about how you're disrespecting HER?!?

Stop right now op. Your ds is taking the utter piss and his gf would be banned from my house. Neither of them have any respect for your home and are treating it like a freebie doss house.

He needs a job and to pay board. Then he can have a conversation about house guests.

WTF have I just read? OP - you mug.

That's ridiculous. We have similar when we stay with family over Christmas. My niece has a bar job and often clatters in at 3am, spends the next hour in the kitchen making a shit ton of noise, sometimes with a friend or two, cooking food and laughing. We hear it cos the bedroom we stay in is above the family kitchen and we hear EVERYTHING.

We don't make a fuss because WE are the guests and she lives there with her parents. If they don't make a fuss, we don't. We go home exhausted and fed up but it's their home and we have to fit round them.

Your son's girlfriend is taking the absolute piss. Sit the pair of them down, tell them this is YOUR house and that's that. No discussion. She has her own flat. No more overnight stays. At all. She's had her chance and it's her own behaviour that has caused this.

I could not tolerate this. Disrespectful, selfish, immature and downright offensive behaviour yet she's ticking YOU off????

'called to a meeting by them' ?

What is this? Some sort of HR performance review ? Risible.

I wouldnt even dignify it with your presence. 'Sorry I cant attend your 'meeting', I'm washing my hair.'

This is definitely a generational thing - I've seen it my own family sadly. Being called to account for your conduct by younger members with the accusation "you don't like me" simply because you ask them to show consideration. Its as disengenous af. She is projecting because you dared to ask her to STFU at 3 in the morning (not in so many words of course).
Its your bloody house. A lack of respect for your needs is intolerable especially when it comes to sleep which is not-negotiable. You've already asked her once, if she doesnt like it, tell her to sling it.

Things I don't allow in my house
Partners
Sex
Loud music
Vaping
Drugs
Getting drunk and throwing up everywhere

Tell the cheeky sods that there are meaner mums out there.
I also don't charge rent and never will, though.