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AIBU?

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Original poster

Woken up by adult kids AGAIN.... AIBU

457 replies

rubberduck68 · 01/03/2025 10:04

My adult son still lives at home (he and his sister who is at Uni are moving in with their dad in the summer) but I just want to check if IABU. He and his GF are both early twenties, and she does stay over sometimes, which I am fine with. I have made the house rules that it's no more than three nights a week, but she's starting working at a nightclub and coming back at 3.00 am and waking me and my dog up. I have asked them both to stop, in fact I got them both up really early the last time they did it and sent her home. She did it again this week and I talked to her about it and she apologised. Last night, 2.30 am out she gets from an Uber and they are banging about downstairs! I spoke to my son who apologised. I've just asked him to send her home now, and he said I am "not very understanding." I feel awkward and uncomfortable in my own bloody home. Historically whenever I have put a boundary down with these two I am called to a meeting by them a few days later where she claims I don't like her, so I've cut that off with him today and said I won't be doing that, it's her behaviour I don't like. My son't argument is that he shouldn't have a curfew as an adult which I agree with, but I made the point that she doesn't live here! AIBU? I would never have dared behave like his in my parent's home at any age!

OP posts:
Original poster
rubberduck68 · 01/03/2025 14:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

I would like to do that but....he's still in bed! I've twice been in and told him to get up so we can have a proper conversation but he says that he is tired because he has been up all night. I. HAVE. NO. WORDS.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 01/03/2025 14:08

Your reacting better than me I was woke up by my kids and I screamed SHUT THE HELL UP before my eyes were even open tbh I don't think I was properly awake

commonsense61 · 01/03/2025 14:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

KatyaKat · 01/03/2025 14:04

rubberduck68 · 01/03/2025 13:55

Might print this off and put it on the fridge, it is EXACTLY what I want to say to her the next time she asks me to sit down at my own table and deflect her behaviour onto me!

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@rubberduck68 she does not have the right to sit you down at your own table for any meeting, how dare she? It's your home, and she works around your rules/boundaries, or she can go to her own home.

Please please don't let her do this even one more time.

Anamcaraa · 01/03/2025 14:03

Whats his career trajectory - she'll probs dump him once she graduates if he doesnt have one.

IsawwhatIsaw · 01/03/2025 14:02

You don’t get to call the home owner of the house you’re staying at to a meeting !
it sounds like these 2 are ganging up on you. This is not acceptable.

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 01/03/2025 14:01

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/03/2025 13:56

Why's he insisting that she comes over when she's been out with her friends?

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They seem so co-dependent. He doesn't have that many friends, because they all went off to Uni and he didn't go, so I think he's investing more in it and her than might otherwise be the case. Not saying the feelings between them aren't genuine, but they should be able to spend a night apart at that age...

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 01/03/2025 14:00

rubberduck68 · 01/03/2025 13:58

I hear that, but they move out in six months, and it's already been going on for a year, and I am so tired. Just been crying in the shower, that's not normal, is it?

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@rubberduck68

no, it’s not. Ignore anyone telling you to just suck it up OP.

Anamcaraa · 01/03/2025 14:00

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/03/2025 13:56

Why's he insisting that she comes over when she's been out with her friends?

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Oh let me guess.....

She has her student house nearby - they need to go there.

I would also not have them hanging around your house all day when you are working from home. Tell them to go to hers. I would put further boundaries in that not allowed to stay over or hang about the house on work nights M-F.

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 01/03/2025 13:58

SalfordQuays · 01/03/2025 13:36

I’d hate this OP, but I’d probably put up with it because in a couple of months they’re all moving out and you’ll never have to endure it again. I wouldn’t want to fall out with my kids over something that was very temporary.

I hear that, but they move out in six months, and it's already been going on for a year, and I am so tired. Just been crying in the shower, that's not normal, is it?

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 01/03/2025 13:57

ALovelyShadeofMauve · 01/03/2025 13:51

But none of that is really relevant to the thread, is it?

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@ALovelyShadeofMauve

no, I’m am so sorry 😔

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/03/2025 13:56

rubberduck68 · 01/03/2025 10:43

She has just gone home in an Uber, stomping about downstairs, but I had to ask twice. Turns out she wasn't even working, she'd been out clubbing with her mates (my son was not with them, he had an early night)!!! He defended her saying that she'd argued over text that I wouldn't want her coming over, but I countered that she is an adult and is accountable for her own behaviour – I told her to her face this week not to do it again!!

Edited

Why's he insisting that she comes over when she's been out with her friends?

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 01/03/2025 13:55

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/03/2025 12:55

I'd turn her emotional manipulation back on her. Tell her you feel like she doesn't like you, because she has the option to be quiet / come round at a normal time and she continues to come in late and wake you up. You're really upset that she is disturbing your sleep and don't feel like she cares about how tired it makes you feel. You feel like leaving their mess everywhere is a criticism of your mothering style as it seems expected that you will change your house rules (everyone picks up after themselves) to suit their preferences based on how she was brought up. What a cheek.

Might print this off and put it on the fridge, it is EXACTLY what I want to say to her the next time she asks me to sit down at my own table and deflect her behaviour onto me!

OP posts:
WisePearlPoet · 01/03/2025 13:54

I went through this, I was a single mum of three kids being subjected to what I now realise was bullying. Son and his girlfriend were at my house constantly, he was 18 and She was 17 and had virtually moved in. The noise and the arguments was unbearable, I was effectively looking g after 4 kids and despite working like a dog could not afford it. I was worn down and depressed and then became quite ill. Despite many conversations it never improved so I went to see her parents and told them they were all taking the piss and she couldn't stay over anymore. Parents seem to live in fear that if we try and put our foot down our kids will adopt the current thinking of going NC which, to my mind, is another way of controlling the parents. God help us if we also fit into that 'boomer' category as I do. Your son is enabling his girlfriends behaviour and has no consideration for you. If it feels wrong to you, then it is and that's all that matters.

I wouldn't want to be woken up night after night when it just isn't necessary and boils down to a couple of incredibly selfish people. And as being called to a meeting, I would give her meeting, what an absolutely arrogant entitled attitude.

HH4432 · 01/03/2025 13:52

FOJN · 01/03/2025 10:42

What the hell have I just read?

Your house guest summons you to a "family conference" to accuse you of "not liking her" if you have the temerity to complain about being woken by her in the early hours of the morning?

Time to grow a backbone OP and tell both of them she is no longer welcome to stay overnight in your house. Expecting people to be quiet at 3am when other members of the household are sleeping is perfectly reasonable. Not only is she not able to do that she thinks you are unreasonable for asking.

Remember you have made multiple polite requests, the time for negotiating is over, you are now TELLING her she cannot stay. You do not owe either of them an apology.

Everything I was going to say.

I can't get over the I am called to a meeting by them a few days later
😂

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 01/03/2025 13:51

ShatterSplatter · 01/03/2025 12:51

YANBU

We had almost exactly this recently with newish GF (no issue with previous GFs are always equal split between homes and less free time so less time together overall - although I definitely prefer not to have guests so frequently). GF works shifts so DS was leaving to pick her (she doesn't drive) up at 12 pm/1 am - waking us up on his way out and then back. Also waking us up again in the morning if she had an early shift (leaving 30 mins before I usually get up) to take her. Justification being our house is closer to her work. Why DS took on full responsibility for getting her to work and back is a different matter. Also, and extra person going to the loo in the night and waking me up.

Staying more than welcome (rule 2-3 times (which was more than happy with really) a week but pushed to 3-4 times a week and staying far too long each time - would've moved in I think it I didn't make it clear that wasn't happening). DS hasn't even set foot in her house! Then DS moans that I am being unwelcoming! I totted up that she was in our house 80 hours one week. They do try very hard to be quiet but I still wake up. I loathe someone else being in my house this much (even though she does nothing wrong other that outstay her welcome) no matter how much I like them. Would have clamped down on it sooner but I knew it was coming to an end.

Now on a re-set as they have gone travelling for a few months. I feel refreshed and the bags under my eyes have greatly reduced. Realised just how much the last few months drained us. I don't think we can even go back to DS living here now even without the GF issue - it pushed us over the edge. We want our house back, so we're going to make that happen. I suspect something similar happened with GF mum - older siblings pushed her to a blanket no partners in my house rule. Happy for her DD to stay at hours so much though...

Edited

Thanks for sharing that. Did you resolve it before they went away? I too feel very drained, I am so tired.

OP posts:
ALovelyShadeofMauve · 01/03/2025 13:51

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/03/2025 13:33

@ALovelyShadeofMauve

no, not at all, I was just thinking of what Op was saying about them being nocturnal and lying in bed all day and getting takeaways or cooking at 3am - hardly sounds conducive to having a fit, healthy body does it?

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But none of that is really relevant to the thread, is it?

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 01/03/2025 13:43

Your son doesn't sound like a pleasant man. He bullies you, flounces, makes demands, is breathtakingly entitled and is being a freeloader, leeching off you but will happily pay his father?

Sounds like a man who needs to be told 'NO.' frequently until he becomes a better person.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 01/03/2025 13:42

I wouldn’t want to fall out with my kids over something that was very temporary.

The children should be the ones not wanting to fall out with their mum! As for the very temporary bit, a) the adult children need to understand about being considerate to the other residents both now and for future good relationships, and b) if they annoy the dad's GF and get thrown out, the son might well expect to return to OP's house.

Stick to your guns OP, no more noisy 3am wake-ups or there'll be no more GF stayovers.

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/03/2025 13:39

SalfordQuays · 01/03/2025 13:36

I’d hate this OP, but I’d probably put up with it because in a couple of months they’re all moving out and you’ll never have to endure it again. I wouldn’t want to fall out with my kids over something that was very temporary.

@SalfordQuays

these adults shouldn’t be so highly strung that they fall out with their parents over something that is their fault and their parent is totally within their rights for. If you just put up with stuff you’re just setting a precedent that they can do whatever they want and you’ll just put up and shut up …and that’s not right is it?

SalfordQuays · 01/03/2025 13:36

I’d hate this OP, but I’d probably put up with it because in a couple of months they’re all moving out and you’ll never have to endure it again. I wouldn’t want to fall out with my kids over something that was very temporary.

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/03/2025 13:33

ALovelyShadeofMauve · 01/03/2025 13:31

What an odd question. Would it be okay to come in at 3am making noise if she was two sizes smaller?

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@ALovelyShadeofMauve

no, not at all, I was just thinking of what Op was saying about them being nocturnal and lying in bed all day and getting takeaways or cooking at 3am - hardly sounds conducive to having a fit, healthy body does it?

ALovelyShadeofMauve · 01/03/2025 13:31

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/03/2025 12:37

@rubberduck68

are they really overweight OP? When do they exercise?

What an odd question. Would it be okay to come in at 3am making noise if she was two sizes smaller?

MyDeftDuck · 01/03/2025 13:27

Your house......your rules! If she doesn't like it tell her to find somewhere else to stay.

Zanatdy · 01/03/2025 13:21

Not on, I wouldn’t be impressed either if I was awake in the night due to his GF coming over. Go to her own house FFS. I can’t get over them calling you to a family meeting because you upset her! Unbelievable