Page 11 | Woken up by adult kids AGAIN.... AIBU

rubberduck68 · 2025-03-01T10:04:56+00:00

My adult son still lives at home (he and his sister who is at Uni are moving in with their dad in the summer) but I just want to check if IABU. He and his GF are both early twenties, and she does stay over sometimes, which I am fine with. I have made the house rules that it's no more than three nights a week, but she's starting working at a nightclub and coming back at 3.00 am and waking me and my dog up. I have asked them both to stop, in fact I got them both up really early the last time they did it and sent her home. She did it again this week and I talked to her about it and she apologised. Last night, 2.30 am out she gets from an Uber and they are banging about downstairs! I spoke to my son who apologised. I've just asked him to send her home now, and he said I am "not very understanding." I feel awkward and uncomfortable in my own bloody home. Historically whenever I have put a boundary down with these two I am called to a meeting by them a few days later where she claims I don't like her, so I've cut that off with him today and said I won't be doing that, it's her behaviour I don't like. My son't argument is that he shouldn't have a curfew as an adult which I agree with, but I made the point that she doesn't live here! AIBU? I would never have dared behave like his in my parent's home at any age!

EdithBond · 01/03/2025 15:00

rubberduck68 · 01/03/2025 14:46

So I should just tell them I am unhappy at 3.00 am every time they do it, and that is the answer? Also, they don't respect the shared spaces like the kitchen etc. I often come in from a night out and they've cooked and I say, "please clean up the kitchen" and I come down in the morning and it's still all there, and will be all day without a fight, or worse me having to do it so I can use the worktops!

I didn't storm into his bedroom. I knocked (I always do), and when he said I could go in, I sat quietly on the end of his bed and talked to him in a normal voice. He fell back to sleep, so I left.

Edited

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No, if you’re easily woken and can’t get back to sleep after, your son should respect that and not disturb you so late.

If you don’t like to find washing up on the side and crumbs all over the place, your son should respect that. Don’t give in and do it for him.

You shouldn’t have to keep saying. That’s what you need in your home. Make it clear that’s the boundary. And if he doesn’t like it, he’ll have to get his own place or share with other people, who’ll also probably have boundaries or breach his.

ShatterSplatter · 01/03/2025 15:00

Thanks for sharing that. Did you resolve it before they went away? I too feel very drained, I am so tired. @rubberduck68

Not entirely but he definitely knew that we hadn't enforced much clearer rules before he left because it was coming to an end and we were very fed up. It is clear DS has had time to reflect whilst away too. Originally he said he was going to buy or rent a flat when he got back - now he is back peddling as he is more realistic about the costs. We're not though. That is dawning on him and he had admitted to learning a few lessons the hard way.

We did enforce some rules before he left and he was respectful (not consistently though) - more so with his dad. Tried to play one of us off the other (maybe not consciously but...) - 'dad doesn't mind' [YES he does!]. Got upset and said I didn't like her when talking to him about how much she was here - made it clear that wasn't the case but she was most definitely outstaying her welcome (at his invitation). I know DH has heated discussions with him too - the ones with me seemed more emotional though.

It felt like every few days (probably because it was) we were having to say something or he was ever so politely asking for an extension or a flex due to reason x, y or z (usually a sob story). That in itself was draining. Without going into the details there was also real concern that he was being naïve and was being used (not saying it was conscious but...) as an escape from home. The whole situation continues to drain us even if we are enjoying having our house back and better sleep. DH and I talked today a bit about how we are going to handle things when he gets back.

I swear this has been the hardest stage in parenting. Just when you get over one thing something else comes along.

Hope you can resolve this as painlessly as possible @rubberduck68 . They need tough love but it can be so hard finding the right balance between that and support.

Lentilweaver · 01/03/2025 14:58

V important when you have adult kids at home to take time out for - wanky word- self care. I hope you have the time and money to walk, meet friends, do some exercise or whatever makes you happy. We are quite cramped ourselves and that's what keeps me sane.
DD went through a nocturnal phase during the pandemic and it was infuriating. But she's now back to normal.

Original poster

rubberduck68 · 01/03/2025 14:53

ThatOtherAustenSister · 01/03/2025 14:50

So I should just tell them I am unhappy at 3.00 am every time they do it, and that is the answer? I didn't storm into his bedroom. I knocked (I always do), and when he said I could go in, I sat quietly on the end of his bed and talked to him in a normal voice. He fell back to sleep, so I left.

Are you afraid of losing your son OP?

You seem very adrift with all of this.

Why is it so hard to tell them you've had a change of heart?

That she can't stay over.

That they need to use her student flat if they want to be together in bed.

It's not hard but you seem to be making it hard for yourself.

Your son's moving hours away soon so he's clearly not that bothered about being at home with you- it's just handy now.

I am finding it hard or I wouldn't have posted on here.

OP posts:

Lentilweaver · 01/03/2025 14:53

ThatOtherAustenSister · 01/03/2025 14:50

So I should just tell them I am unhappy at 3.00 am every time they do it, and that is the answer? I didn't storm into his bedroom. I knocked (I always do), and when he said I could go in, I sat quietly on the end of his bed and talked to him in a normal voice. He fell back to sleep, so I left.

Are you afraid of losing your son OP?

You seem very adrift with all of this.

Why is it so hard to tell them you've had a change of heart?

That she can't stay over.

That they need to use her student flat if they want to be together in bed.

It's not hard but you seem to be making it hard for yourself.

Your son's moving hours away soon so he's clearly not that bothered about being at home with you- it's just handy now.

Probably because she is single and very tired and drained. The world is exhausting right now.
I would leave it today and go out in the sun if possible, even for 30 minutes. Look at some happy dogs ( Its what I am doing) and eat an icecream.
Tomorrow, try to have a calm but firm conversation.

ThatOtherAustenSister · 01/03/2025 14:50

So I should just tell them I am unhappy at 3.00 am every time they do it, and that is the answer? I didn't storm into his bedroom. I knocked (I always do), and when he said I could go in, I sat quietly on the end of his bed and talked to him in a normal voice. He fell back to sleep, so I left.

Are you afraid of losing your son OP?

You seem very adrift with all of this.

Why is it so hard to tell them you've had a change of heart?

That she can't stay over.

That they need to use her student flat if they want to be together in bed.

It's not hard but you seem to be making it hard for yourself.

Your son's moving hours away soon so he's clearly not that bothered about being at home with you- it's just handy now.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 01/03/2025 14:47

I don’t judge their lifestyle or friends. I don’t treat them like a kid. They’re adults.

Your children appear to behave like adults - OP's doesn't. Therefore needs to be treated accordingly until he gets the message. I'm imagining a thread in a few years about the son now married refusing to share chores and responsibilities..

Original poster

rubberduck68 · 01/03/2025 14:46

EdithBond · 01/03/2025 14:41

I’ve lived in lots of shared houses, so view living with my adult DC like that: adults I share a home with.

We have respect for each other, we keep out of each other’s business, we have certain expectations of each other (e.g. doing our own chores, cleaning up our own mess and sharing household chores, like cleaning). If any of us has a problem, we air it and find a compromise we’re all happy with - and stick to it. We take it in turns to cook dinner for each other. But I never expect them to eat with me. Sometimes they don’t.

My DC are nocturnal. I used to be at their age. I was never up before lunchtime unless I had to be for work etc and regularly stayed in bed all days at weekends in my 20s. Occasionally mine wake me up (not through noise, as they’re as quiet as possible: usually toasting waffles at 3am!). I tell them and they apologise, as any decent adult house sharer would do, and don’t do it again.

I never storm into their bedroom and demand they get up. In fact, I never go in their bedroom at all, without knocking. I don’t judge their lifestyle or friends. I don’t treat them like a kid. They’re adults.

So I should just tell them I am unhappy at 3.00 am every time they do it, and that is the answer? Also, they don't respect the shared spaces like the kitchen etc. I often come in from a night out and they've cooked and I say, "please clean up the kitchen" and I come down in the morning and it's still all there, and will be all day without a fight, or worse me having to do it so I can use the worktops!

I didn't storm into his bedroom. I knocked (I always do), and when he said I could go in, I sat quietly on the end of his bed and talked to him in a normal voice. He fell back to sleep, so I left.

OP posts:

Chillilounger · 01/03/2025 14:45

I think a rule that if they're arriving and staying together fine but on days she is working then she can't stay and if he wants to see her he can go to hers.

bigboykitty · 01/03/2025 14:44

rubberduck68 · 01/03/2025 14:40

I really would love to, but I am working at home this afternoon, well obvs not enough, I'm on here but this is keeping me sane! If I switch off the internet I might go down the rabbit hole!

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Oh bugger. Change the password then 😘

Nanny0gg · 01/03/2025 14:44

EdithBond · 01/03/2025 14:41

I’ve lived in lots of shared houses, so view living with my adult DC like that: adults I share a home with.

We have respect for each other, we keep out of each other’s business, we have certain expectations of each other (e.g. doing our own chores, cleaning up our own mess and sharing household chores, like cleaning). If any of us has a problem, we air it and find a compromise we’re all happy with - and stick to it. We take it in turns to cook dinner for each other. But I never expect them to eat with me. Sometimes they don’t.

My DC are nocturnal. I used to be at their age. I was never up before lunchtime unless I had to be for work etc and regularly stayed in bed all days at weekends in my 20s. Occasionally mine wake me up (not through noise, as they’re as quiet as possible: usually toasting waffles at 3am!). I tell them and they apologise, as any decent adult house sharer would do, and don’t do it again.

I never storm into their bedroom and demand they get up. In fact, I never go in their bedroom at all, without knocking. I don’t judge their lifestyle or friends. I don’t treat them like a kid. They’re adults.

Do they share ALL the bills equally?

ThatOtherAustenSister · 01/03/2025 14:43

EdithBond · 01/03/2025 14:41

I’ve lived in lots of shared houses, so view living with my adult DC like that: adults I share a home with.

We have respect for each other, we keep out of each other’s business, we have certain expectations of each other (e.g. doing our own chores, cleaning up our own mess and sharing household chores, like cleaning). If any of us has a problem, we air it and find a compromise we’re all happy with - and stick to it. We take it in turns to cook dinner for each other. But I never expect them to eat with me. Sometimes they don’t.

My DC are nocturnal. I used to be at their age. I was never up before lunchtime unless I had to be for work etc and regularly stayed in bed all days at weekends in my 20s. Occasionally mine wake me up (not through noise, as they’re as quiet as possible: usually toasting waffles at 3am!). I tell them and they apologise, as any decent adult house sharer would do, and don’t do it again.

I never storm into their bedroom and demand they get up. In fact, I never go in their bedroom at all, without knocking. I don’t judge their lifestyle or friends. I don’t treat them like a kid. They’re adults.

You're perfect, clearly.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 01/03/2025 14:43

rubberduck68 · 01/03/2025 14:40

I really would love to, but I am working at home this afternoon, well obvs not enough, I'm on here but this is keeping me sane! If I switch off the internet I might go down the rabbit hole!

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Change the password, switch off, switch back on. Takes two minutes tops. Then don't give him the new password..

WWY · 01/03/2025 14:43

I wasn't allowed boyfriends to stay over when I lived at home at 21. At the time I thought it was unreasonable but now I'm nearly 40 I totally get it. Parents don't want another adult in their home who they don't really know staying up late and doing god knows.
It's a good incentive to move out quickly. I did at 21 with my sister then with flatmates and had a blast. Everyone seemed to do that back then.
I know it's more expensive now but flat shares are still available.
Stop letting the gf over in the evenings. She's rude and extremely disrespectful.

ThatOtherAustenSister · 01/03/2025 14:43

My son't argument is that he shouldn't have a curfew as an adult which I agree with, but I made the point that she doesn't live here! AIBU? would never have dared behave like his in my parent's home at any

I don't know why you agree with that.

Have some boundaries and stop being a doormat.

He can come and go as he likes when he has his own home.

You're enabling him to be dependent on you and totally lacking in respect.

EdithBond · 01/03/2025 14:41

I’ve lived in lots of shared houses, so view living with my adult DC like that: adults I share a home with.

We have respect for each other, we keep out of each other’s business, we have certain expectations of each other (e.g. doing our own chores, cleaning up our own mess and sharing household chores, like cleaning). If any of us has a problem, we air it and find a compromise we’re all happy with - and stick to it. We take it in turns to cook dinner for each other. But I never expect them to eat with me. Sometimes they don’t.

My DC are nocturnal. I used to be at their age. I was never up before lunchtime unless I had to be for work etc and regularly stayed in bed all days at weekends in my 20s. Occasionally mine wake me up (not through noise, as they’re as quiet as possible: usually toasting waffles at 3am!). I tell them and they apologise, as any decent adult house sharer would do, and don’t do it again.

I never storm into their bedroom and demand they get up. In fact, I never go in their bedroom at all, without knocking. I don’t judge their lifestyle or friends. I don’t treat them like a kid. They’re adults.

Original poster

rubberduck68 · 01/03/2025 14:40

bigboykitty · 01/03/2025 14:39

OP turn off the internet!

I really would love to, but I am working at home this afternoon, well obvs not enough, I'm on here but this is keeping me sane! If I switch off the internet I might go down the rabbit hole!

OP posts:

Onlycoffee · 01/03/2025 14:40

rubberduck68 · 01/03/2025 14:27

I think what is abundantly clear from his thread is that I have no idea what the hell to do, so yeah, probably doing it all wrong.

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Op I didn't mean to make you feel like that. My reply was to someone else who I think has quoted you.

I have adult children who have left and come back a few times. It's always difficult to navigate.

We had some give and take around their nocturnal hours, so Saturday night/early Sunday morning I accepted I'd get woken but work nights they had to respect unless it was a special reason.
I also didn't hoover until 11ish if they were still in bed.

Nanny0gg · 01/03/2025 14:39

EdithBond · 01/03/2025 14:16

I live with adult DC. I don’t mind what time they get in or who they invite over. It doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is disrespect, such as trampling over boundaries.

It’s your home and if it bothers you, they must respect that. Your son is predominantly responsible for this. He shares your home, while his gf is his guest. Don’t blame her for disturbing you or staying over too often. It’s on him. If he has respect for you, he shouldn’t invite her over so late or so frequently. If she insists, he should tell her no.

If you keep judging and critiquing her, and indicating you’re not keen on her, it will likely alienate your DS. Unless he’s experiencing harm/abuse, his relationship is none of your business.

Edited

It is when it's under her roof!

ThatOtherAustenSister · 01/03/2025 14:39

You've made a rod for your own back.

Take control and tell her she can't stay.

End of.

It's your house.

bigboykitty · 01/03/2025 14:39

OP turn off the internet!

Nanny0gg · 01/03/2025 14:38

rubberduck68 · 01/03/2025 14:12

I've just been in, he won't get up. Just keeps telling me to go away because he's tired.

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I'd be shouting 'Welcome to my fucking world!' as I tipped a bucket of water over him

Whilst turning my music up and hoovering outside his room

How bloody dare he!

ThatOtherAustenSister · 01/03/2025 14:37

rubberduck68 · 01/03/2025 14:33

She's a student in third year of Uni, and he is unemployed. Did have a job but made redundant months ago (tech) and nothing else since.

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But you also said he had a lot of savings.

He's had months to find a job and companies are crying out for IT people.

Is he trying to find a job?

How is it going to be any easier by moving in with his dad- is there more work there?

Sorry but you need to put your foot down.

My kids are adults and living in their own homes.

There is simply no way I'd have tolerated this.

Why can't you just say that this girl can't stay overnight and if they want to sleep together they go to her uni flat?
It really is that simple.

Anamcaraa · 01/03/2025 14:36

rubberduck68 · 01/03/2025 14:33

She's a student in third year of Uni, and he is unemployed. Did have a job but made redundant months ago (tech) and nothing else since.

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Surely he can get a hospitality job whilst he's applying for another tech job - maybe the same place as his GF?

Nanny0gg · 01/03/2025 14:33

SalfordQuays · 01/03/2025 13:36

I’d hate this OP, but I’d probably put up with it because in a couple of months they’re all moving out and you’ll never have to endure it again. I wouldn’t want to fall out with my kids over something that was very temporary.

Why don't the kids care about the OP?