Its hard making friends as a single woman in your 30s

It is hard out there. Im 50s op. I messaged one could meet her x date or y date. No reply. Find people shocking flakes now. Cliques are hard in hobby groups too they know each other well.

@tropicalroses There's just a sense of defensiveness from certain women that I didn't notice in our interactions a decade ago.

Really? I'm surprised you've never noticed anything like this before. Cliquiness and bitchiness is something I've noticed a lot when meeting new people, particularly when trying to befriend an already-established group. And I hate to say it, but it does tend to be mainly in women. This goes back to school days.

Hi OP, i think in your mid 30's to early 40's everyone has a lot less time - Careers getting full on, kids getting full on and it is hard for people to even see their old friends let alone make time for new friends. We have a couple of single female friends we try to include as much as possible as they definitely don't get included so much, but it is hard because socialising with friends with kids is what aligns with our kids as well. It does also sound a bit shit that they didn't include you in the Christmas drinks sorry that this is tough.

But why can’t you see that not everyone is like you or like your particular circle of friends? Just because you don’t guard your DH like he’s the Crown Jewels doesn’t mean it’s not a thing with some women.

I, too, have never found single women a threat to my relationship. My friends generally aren’t like this either. But I have encountered it in various settings- work events, groups of parents, wedding guests etc. It’s not everyone, but enough that I noticed it.

you don’t need to take it as a personal insult - it’s like the perfume thread on here with people saying ‘ I get so many compliments when I I wear this fragrance’ . Despite wearing many amazing perfumes- no one has ever commented on my perfume! Ever! I wasn’t the only one either.

it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen to other people- they aren’t lying!

It might be a number of factors- where they live, local culture, age, type of work environment. The same goes for insecure wives.

Same @Crichel

Well, clearly I’m a total dog, because I don’t recognise being kept away from married friends’ husbands when I was single, I don’t have my male friends making passes at me at the drop of a hat, plus it’s never even occurred to me that DH, much though I love him, is likely to have his or my female friends, single or married, trying to inveigle themselves into his pants. I mean, it’s a possibility, sure, but I mean, short of keeping him in some kind of sex-segregated cage, that’s just life, isn’t it? Our most apparently happy and united friends, who founded and ran a successful business together, divorced when he fell in love with someone he literally bumped into in a doorway on a work stint in another country.

All the prickly defensive responses from married women claiming they don’t try to keep single women away from their husbands are… interesting. I’m single and I totally recognise what you’re talking about OP. (As it happens I’m also gay, though generally seem to be perceived as straight, and I’m about one jealous look away from standing on a chair with a rainbow flag and shouting I DON’T WANT TO FUCK YOUR HUSBANDS).

should have been clearer - both divorced for a number of years before meeting.

we were discussing experiences post divorce but prior to meeting.

we obviously now socialise as a couple- and alone. But my friends are more single women ( and the odd bloke) and his are still a lot of couples

Yes, the latter in my case. We had people over for dinner this weekend — two single women in their late 40s/early50s, a 50 year old man who’s dating but didn’t bring his newish girlfriend as she had something else on, two couples (one female/female, one male/female) and DH and me. One of the single women is a friend of DH’s, the single man more a friend of mine, but probably mutual these days. It would no more occur to me to only invite couples to a dinner or to ‘segregate’ my single female friends from DH than it would occur to me to streak across a football pitch. The guest list was based on ‘who would I like to see and think would get along’.

It's just as possible to have an affair with a married woman as a single woman though so I don't see why single women would be seen as a particular threat.

I say you’re not imagining anything, it’s is absolutely true that women get to a certain maturity and age and realise being cool about single women being friends with their husbands is not worth the risk.

It wouldn't occur to me to keep my single friends away from my husband but I would generally socialise either on my own or with partners or families, as in if they are alone I'd meet them alone or we'd both bring partners or kids.

Maybe the issue is more that those who have families tend to want to keep time aside for their family and kids? I work all week and have things on in the evenings already so on a weekend I don't have a lot of time to socialise alone as I like to be with my kids. If I'm meeting someone with their husband and kids and then it can be easier but not always.

People won't admit that you're right, OP, because they probably do the same and don't want to acknowledge it.

Or people have different experiences from the OP, maybe ?

He’s not single tho, he’s in a couple with you, are you not invited?

I think it's probably a combination of fewer people around interested in developing new friendships; people connecting more with others at a similar life stage (eg people always ask about your children, if you have any, when you meet up - not because they're desperate to know, but it's an easy point of connection) and the fact that single people tend to exude a sense of self sufficiency which may make others feel they're not needed.

PP was clearly talking about OP needing to get away from attitudes like yours

Yes - this is also true. I definitely prefer female company more as I get older. Women tend to be funnier, less belligerent and moany.

Not all men- I know a few notable exceptions to this. But the average man in the street is just a bit mansplainey for me now.

that is different though to actively excluding a woman from social things because she’s single and it’s being attended by couples. And I do think there are lots of people who do this- possibly for various reasons.

I'm glad my friends with husbands and children do manage to see where a single childfree person can be part of their lives.

Why do I need to get away from it? It’s my life, I have lots of friends, I don’t have to do anything. O have single friends but they have DC who my DC are friends with. I don’t know where someone who was single and has no DC would fit into my life right now, we’d be at different life stages and I don’t have time to socialise much without my DH or DCs there and when I do get a bit of time I’d much rather socialize with my existing friends.

Yes, exactly. I mean, without entering a tedious busyness Olympics, I have a child, a demanding career, a DH with a demanding job which involves him being away a lot on a regular basis, ageing parents who need frequent help, and am in the middle of a major house renovation while we are still living here (currently emptying all rooms on two floors at the back of the house, as steels need to be inserted when a wall is knocked) . It’s a lot, but it would never occur to me to limit my friends to the people who most easily ‘fit’ in my life. My friends are the people whose presence in my life I value, regardless of convenience.

And as a now single parent I've been meeting up with plenty of friends and actually more with their husbands and kids present because we moved so they've made a family day out of it. I've never been made to feel like I'd be eyeballing someone's husband.

This^ I love seeing my friends by themselves because I talk differently when it's just us than when their husband is there- even if I really like their other half it just still changes the dynamic. So I would rarely have seen my friends in the house or if they came to visit my ex would have taken himself to the gym or something. It was never a worry about my single friends being around him - if I thought that was a risk I'd have ditched them both because I don't keep people I can't trust around me.

OK so this is the sort of attitude you need to get away from, frankly. What a narrow-minded way of looking at the world.

I'm also in a couple with a child and an extremely demanding job but I don't want to limit myself to only hanging around with other couples! Why would someone's 'fit' in your life be determined by their relationship status?

Maybe OP you do need to move back to a city!