To think a 13 and 11 year old can be left alone for a short period?

I could leave my 14yr old, no issues.

But my 10.5yr old doesn't like being left for too long so I only do if I really need to. Usually I'll get a call from him asking when I'm coming home. I have started to leave him short periods like popping to the post office or Tesco, but we're still in the process of making him feel comfortable with it. 90mins to a coffee shop in town is probably a stretch.

It's actually worse to leave him and his brother together as they will just wind each other up. I'm hoping this changes in the next year or two.

My friend left her 14 and 10yr old for a night out at the theatre, in the city 45mins away! So all children are different.

Of course it's fine, sounds like an excuse because she doesn't want to go to me! I leave my almost 13 year old for an hour or so all the time while I go food shopping or to hairdressers.

Once they get a phone at 11 then we start leaving them for an hour at a time (walking the dog, popping to the shops etc), always stay local though. But at 12, will leave for longer, and by 13 easily leave for the day whilst we go out somewhere. We are always home for dinner though. I’d say 15 for an evening though and 16 for overnight

Wouldn't bother me with my kids for a few hours.

But I have a friend with a 14yo DD and 11yo DS and she cannot leave them alone as they fight like cat and dog and the last time she left them as she popped to the shop quickly her 14yo gave the 11yo a black eye.

So every family is different.

Your missing my point.

The 11yo should know what to do in event of a fire, get the heck out of the building and phone 999 from outside, if they need to be told they shouldn't be left, esp not with a 14yo.

11 & 14 yo siblings are likely to have sibling rivalry and are likely to fight with each other. Putting one "in charge" of the other isn't going to be a good thing.

I'd actually think most 11yos would be fine to be home alone for a bit. The issue is always going to be the dynamics between them and the 14yo.

It's possible that either there are parent taxi requirements or the sibling dynamic doesn't work alone - ie either one could be left but together they'd be either egging each other on to be stupid or fighting...

This is a very odd way to think and not at all safe. Why have babysitters at all in that case? If you left an adult in charge of your 11 y o would you expect that your 11 y o wouldn’t have to do what the adult asked?

How on earth otherwise do you expect your 14 yo to learn responsibility for others, and your 11 yo to learn how to do what others request, especially in an emergency? Do they do what you ask? Do they have issues with other forms of “authority” figure, eg at school? Not expecting an 11 y old to accept instructions or others’ authority is babying them.

Sounds more like your 11 y o is not yet able to behave sensibly without an adult supervising, if you can’t expect them to do what an older sibling in charge reasonably asks. As I said, that’s exactly the kind of situation where it wouldn’t be possible for a 14 y o to be left supervising an 11 y old - it isn’t a safe arrangement if the older child isn’t able to be left responsibly in charge in case of any emergency, because the younger one isn’t mature enough to do what they are told if needed.

That’s what supervision and being in charge is. If a fire starts or someone is injured, but the 11 y o can’t be trusted to follow basic instructions given by an older sibling left in charge, you shouldn’t be leaving them alone together. If your 11 y o can only be reliably trusted to follow yours or an adult’s instructions, then you shouldn’t be leaving him/her alone at all.

Super odd that you cancelled if it was more than 2 people. No way to judge if she's being unreasonable with this info - some kids are ready to stay home, some aren't and there's no way of knowing the whole thing. My kids are 12/8 and have plenty of friends the same age and it's all over the place with all sorts of parenting decisions. My daughter (12) can be left alone during the day for a couple hours, but I always check before leaving her home with a friend as I'm not entirely sure if all her friends are allowed to do this yet. We haven't left the kids home together as they fight 'a lot' and I am not convinced they're both ready for this yet.

My point is, at 11 & 14 neither should be "in charge" of the other.

They should be completely equal to each other. Each responsible for themselves.

If the 11yo is too young to be left alone they definitely shouldn't be left with the 14yo "in charge".
A 14yo sibling asking the 11yo to do ANYTHING will be seen by the 11yo as BOSSING.

Who said anything about “bossing”? The point is that if you leave an older child in charge, they are responsible for being in charge. That’s very different from “bossing around”. It’s their responsibility to manage the situation if, for example, something unexpected happens or something goes wrong: that’s what leaving a 14 y o in charge means. If there’s a fire or a problem or someone is hurt you need to rely on the fact that the younger child will do what the older child says. Otherwise, the older child might as well not be there at all.

If your younger child can’t manage that without fighting or arguing, or your older child can’t manage being responsible without “bossing”, then, I’m sorry, neither of them are old enough to be left alone together without your care.

Liable not to do what the 14 yo says

The 14yo shouldn't need to ask the 11yo to do anything. 14yo bossing the 11yo is what would set of WW3 in my house.

At those ages they need to be responsible for themselves not the 14yo looking after or bossing the other around

Honestly, I'd just assume that she didn't want to meet for coffee in this scenario. The kids would be completely fine on their own for an hour or two. She was probably just looking for an excuse.

That's exactly what I was thinking. Individually they might be fine but together without a referee.....maybe not!

Er, I voted you as unreasonable not because your view is daft but because it seems you're missing the point: surely she just doesn't want to go, and so is coming up with a (not very good) excuse...?

I’d have left the 13 year old but I’m not sure of leaving them responsible for an 11 year old - depends on the dynamic. If the oldest was a bit older I’d be happier. But then I wouldn’t let an 11 year old walk to school on their own either so I’m prob in the minority.

You should have met up with the others / gone to her house instead

Why not just say oh that’s a shame Jane, see you next time.

I wouldn’t have rescheduled, personally. A shame she can’t attend but that’s the choice she’s made.

Personally, mine were fine to be left at home for 90 mins or so at that age. Everyone is different though. DD2 (now 14) has a friend whose parents are particularly strict about where she goes and who with.

In my friendship group though, if one friend can't make it, we usually still go out and catch up with them the next time. It is hard enough co-ordinating everyone without postponing every time life gets in the way.

This - I’d think 14 and 11 would be fine, but maybe the 11 y o is difficult or boisterous or especially young for their age or liable not to do what the 14 y o says — in which case it might not be as safe as it sounds.

I was babysitting other people’s toddlers and small children at 14; but I was a very serious oldest child, and a bit overly mature for my age, if anything. However, my own siblings were liable to run off and not comply when I was babysitting them!

Does it really matter? Just meet up with the other two as per arrangement. She's missing this meet but hopefully will make the next.

It depends on the children. It may be one child left on their own for a couple of hours, would be perfectly fine. However, perhaps both left together on their own for a couple of hours, means there will be arguments. She may have visions of her phone ringing with each child calling to tell tales on the other! 11 and 13 years old, are the perfect ages to find each other irritating, pick fights and argue! Yes, in theory of course they can be left on their own but the fact the friend isn't keen, suggests she may know her children better, than the perception you have of them!!

You can think they would be fine and you are likely to be right, but you aren't their mum so your opinion is irrelevant.

The not meeting multiple months because of one person's crap excuse makes me think "you're all just not that into each other" for want of a better phrase.

I'm another that absolutely doesn't understand why the whole thing was cancelled instead of just saying "ah we'll miss having you with us. Next time, though." Why was it on her to decide what the rest of you were going to do?

I understand rescheduling to accomodate one person if you could all just push the time a bit or reschedule for a few days later. But multiple months? That's not on unless there's some practical reason you can't get together without her.