To be annoyed at the way DH is as a father/husband

Do you need him financially?

Is that why you haven't given him an ultimatum?

Because what do you plan to do knowing he won't step up?

Then you should accept that you'll be doing it on your own.

Are you happy to do that?

He won't change

I empathise but by continuing on your IVF journey as a family rather than alone you are effectively communicating to him that you are quite ok to accept this level of incompetence and there will be no consequence for him to continue like this.

Change your behaviour towards him. Do not accept it, do not let it slide. Get angry. Past cancer doesn’t mean he can’t get his child to brush their teeth. He either starts doing the responsible thing, or he gets out. When he sees you are serious about this, and being lazy is no longer the easier option (because you won’t take it), he has a chance to step up.

It’s not all about you though is it? Seriously if this guy is a shit husband and father you would be mad to have another child with him.

Sounds like you'd be better off having a kid by yourself. What kind of parent forgets that their kid needs their teeth brushed at bedtime? Has he never put them to bed before? Does he just not care about their wellbeing or just knows you'll step in to pick up the slack?

If he is so bad why on earth would you want more?

Oh.
So a sperm donor then.

Don't complain about how much more useless he will be with 2

Does he know why you still want him around, btw?

He WILL NOT have a personality transplant when you have a second child. You therefore have to decide if this is what you want when you have 2 kids through all the challenges that brings from pregnancy right up to when they leave home and beyond. Before you type a post in 3 years time complaining about him, remember this moment when you knew exactly what he was but cracked on with trying for a second child anyway.

I understand. It is really difficult. You know what you want though, so you need to focus on your goal. Adjust your expectation in your head. You are on your own with parenting. Expect nothing from him, then he cannot let you down. Not relying on him will be good training for being on your own. That should hopefully reduce your resentment enough to keep you sane until splitting becomes more realistic.

Then you need to accept your DH's uselessness.

While I understand your emotional 'need' to be a mother again, you really are being extremely irresponsible to continue to try for another child when their father is basically a complete waste of space OP. Chances are, that in another couple of years you'll be back here, saying that he's an even bigger waste of space, and you can't stand it any longer, but how can't bear to break up the family.

I would never ever have another one. I love this one, but if I had my time again, I would never live with one.

Strategic incompetence at its finest here.

Stop doing anything at all that will benefit him.

Wash only clothes that are put in the wash basket.

Don't change the loo roll. Wipe your own bits and put the loo roll back in the cupboard.

When he has no clean pants and can't wipe his arse, he will be sorry.

Doesn't sound like the dream environment to bring a second child into 😬

And they are not all like this. My husband is a team mate who pulls his weight.

Treat him like you're his manager. That's kind of how we roll.
Parenting: I manage him but don't do his jobs.
Diy: he ma ages me.
Cooking: I'm a recalcitrant waitress.
Cleaning: we are both managers of our own areas. See also: gardening.

Praise should only used in conjunction with sarcasm.

My DP was the one pushing for a second baby and eventually I said I'm happy to go for it but you are going to have to massively step up. And he did.

If your top priority is having more kids you probably should stick it out where you are unless you are young enough to still be ovulating after you; separate, set up a new home, date and find a new husband.

To make it work with your husband you probably have to swallow your pride and heartily congratulate him whenever he does the bare minimum. If you point out his inadequacies or scold him he will just disengage from even trying to 'help'. Try setting yourself targets like thank him at least twice a day and compliment him at least once. Make him your hero, then see what things he starts to voluntarily do to contribute to the family. I'm not saying it's easy or that it won't cause you resentment but it will likely make him more useful.

A friend of mine is a couple of years further down the road. She’s realised that he’s always been useless but she just parented him and picked up his slack. Now she’s got children to parent, and doesn’t have the time or energy to pick up his slack anymore, she’s deeply unhappy and making an exit plan.

He’s not going to change. Can you live with that until you’ve had all the children you want? And when he bundles them in the car to take them off for his weekends, can you trust him to anticipate danger and not let them run about in a busy car park? Will he remember to take them to the parties and activities that fall on his time? Will he remember to give them breakfast? Or bathe them?

Is having more children with him really a sensible thing to do if you’re feeling like this now? Because more kids means more work for you and more opportunities for him to let you down.