To be annoyed at the way DH is as a father/husband

Exactly this. Please stop with the IVF, because you need to sort out your life before even thinking about another baby.

But who expects their wife to do all of the donkey work? While they just do the fun stuff

I totally get what you are saying OP.

My DH is the same. It’s like he’s only got so much bandwidth to do things and if he spends time with the kids, he won’t help around the house as much. Which is rubbish because these things need doing anyway, it just means that I’m the one having to do it 🙄

Still haven’t found a solution, but I feel your pain.

Edited to add that, while I occasionally feel that my life would be easier without him, it wouldn’t really. If he’s a good dad and provider, reliable, loving and respectful in every other way, maybe it’s not as bad as leaving. There are a lot of bad men out there. I need to vent occasionally, but I wouldn’t leave my husband over who’s done the hoovering.

Yes.

OP, there's no point in having another child with him.
😐

😂😂

Thank you. You’ve articulated exactly how I feel about my DH. Great dad and provider but a bit hopeless at house work really.

It’s driving me mad, but I think I’ve brought it upon myself to some extent and now it’s too difficult to change as any comment is seen as nagging.

Sorry OP, they really take a mile if you give them an inch.

I'm old so jaded but in my experience lazy men never change. They give no fucks. On my partners grave stone I'm going to have the words "I did the hoovering for you" because that will be the reason I clubbed him to death.

It took me a long time to come round to having a second child, because my birth was very traumatic

But when I got there DS was sufficiently old enough for me to understand, kind of father he had

He was everything to every other child, the best, uncle dedicated, hard-working, man and loving partner

But a fucking diss interested father who never put him first, could never see him as a child and put the world was like from his view, did not get involved with any actual parenting. Thought out processes would not think went to brush your teeth, and even though we have a teenager, he hasn't got a fucking clue of the day to day, kind of parenting although he knows he shares interest with him he's more involved in his life it's not the same as understanding life from a Childs point of view we even had a psychologist say yes but two adults syndrome he just thinks a child should understand everything on the first go like an adult would and he has no interest in really understanding how a child grows loves, and experiences the world and needs you to brush their fucking teeth.

He showed me who he was as a father, and I decided to have no more children

It still hurts me know, decade later

Be very careful and make sure this is the father, your want for more children. The father you have now will not change with more children.

But be assured that if you don't have children because of him, you will hold it against him in your heart

It's a difficult thing to really think about, but he will not fucking change and it's beyond your ability to make him care when he doesn't

What?

Yep.
They can, and they do, cos they know muggins will always be there to clean up after them, and sort things out. No matter how decent they are, there’s always something they just cannot be arsed to do, and lump it on top of the endless pile of shit that Mum has to deal with!

It’s like when they don’t put a new toilet roll on the holder, or replace empty bottles in the bathroom, and leave all the empty ones on the side of the bloody bath. How hard is it, really?! 😫

They're not all like that. Raise your standards. Having another baby with him is a terrible idea.

My DH has always pulled his weight (properly, mental load too, not just doing as he's told). Now I've got incurable cancer he's having to do the vast majority. I can't imagine going through this with a useless man child.

I don't agree with what I'm about to say but to avoid it affecting your child, make a list and stick it on the bathroom door / mirror / wherever he'll see it.

*Bath
*Clean pyjamas
*Bottle of milk (lukewarm)
*Clean teeth
*Story
*Song
*Light out

It's pathetic. But he'll have no excuse about 'forgetting'.

The older I get the absolute draining of respect for men...

What's even the point of this post if you're set on having another baby anyway? You just want to vent? Obviously everyone's going to tell you he won't change because they never do and inevitably you will end up getting divorced. But you're not going to listen and you're just proceeding anyway. So genuinely what's the point of this post, what do you want people to tell you?

I suggest you hand over all food related duties to your H.

Meal planning, shopping, cooking, clearing up.

You stand back and let it be a shit show for as long as takes for him to learn and do it properly.

It’s not that they can’t, it’s that they really, really don’t care, and therefore they can’t be arsed.

In his head, chores and childcare are womens work, you are nothing but staff. Have an exit fund and plan, even if it is for 3 years down the road. Save and hide every penny. Give yourself a year to leave by, if you have had a baby by then, good, if not you have to accept it is not going to happen. He will never change.

I would like to day your DH may be having fatigue due to his cancer/ treatment but you said he was a lazy arse before.
If you choose to have more kids with him, be prepared to do everything yourself and be angry and resentful.

Your DH doesn't have to do anything because you do everything and he knows if he leaves it long enough you will do it. So maybe just yry and let go for enough time so he has no choice?

But you have 2 dc already.. A toddler and a teenager...

I'd be very very careful OP

He isn't engaged with your current child - the one who he is biologically related to. Do you actually think he'll step up when another child comes along - one that - let's be honest here - isn't is and is only legally classed as the father because you are married?

I'm not trying to be harsh here - I had to have a lot of IVF for a second child - ex husband left when they were babies citing how they were conceived as the issue and his lack of engagement ...and they biologically are his

In my experience lazy uninvolved parents with 1 become even less so with 2

I get the desperate need to have another child here but be prepared to do it alone

Please don't bring another child into this shitshow of a marriage.

He was lazy then, and he's lazy now. I think it's pretty simple to expect that with an additional child he'll still be lazy, except it'll be worse as you'll be doing all the extra work while he gets lazier.

Sounds like he’s ALWAYS been a laid back and whenever type of person

no idea why you ever expected him to change