To be annoyed at the way DH is as a father/husband

He isn’t being used as a sperm donor, they are using a sperm donor

You're a fool to have another child in this situation.

She meant that you're treating your husband as a sperm donor.

In remission. Does that mean he had cancer? Was it relatively recent?

Absolutely this. I'm starting to feel a bit sorry for the husband, tbh. The poor guy has been through a tough time, and seems to be valued only for his salary.
Just because the wife desperately wants another baby, doesn't mean it's a good idea to have one.

And you need him to afford to live afterwards...

There is no reason for him to step up

You've had a bit of a hard time on this thread, OP, but i can tell you right now that having a second child can test even a good marriage to its limits. Dont believe the "oh they just slot in to family life" - they dont. It is hard managing two kids and really hard on the eldest child who obviously has a lot of emotions to work through. And if you are harbouring resentment before a second child comes along, it will be so so hard. Your update says you already have a 4month window for the IVF but if you are successful then you still have another 9months before baby is born. You need to talk to your DH - would he be open to some couples therapy? Or sit down and list together every single household job that needs doing and then divide them up. My DD2 (11mo) is a nightmare sleeper and to allow me to get her off to sleep, my DH cooks dinner every night, washes up, cleans the kitchen, sorts out the bins so I don't have to do any of that. On a weekend, we try to split evenly between kids, housework and time alone. Don't get me wrong - he has his faults (including amount of time he spends in the bathroom) but to give him his dues, he absolutely stepped up when DD2 came along.

I'd argue that he isn't one of the decent ones then.

OP I am currently in the baths having some 'me' time. My husband insisted that I should. I can hear them playing together downstairs with lots of laughter.

Day-to-day DH vacuums far more than I do, and picks up around the house more than me too. He sees when the washing basket is full, and puts a wash and dry on.

If I died tomorrow, my DC would still have an incredible, hands on parent. He knows when nap time is, and why. He brushes their teeth. He bathes them. Currently, he has a day off with them in the week and it's his favourite day. They go to the park together, go for coffee shop dates, and other fun things.

The only thing that would change would be their dress. He absolutely no sense of colours and would probably buy garish, bright, mismatched outfits thinking that he's done well 😂

OP. Think carefully about having another child with this man. Men can be equal fathers and husbands with women.

I have a friend who ‘drove’ the message home. Her DH regularly ‘forgot’ to pick the DC up from activities or afterschool and she was always called and had to go.

She delivered the punishment when she ‘forgot’ to pick her husband up from where he’d dropped his car off for servicing. She ignored every single call and he spent the day there having to sit on a chair in the showroom trying to deal with emails on his phone. She made it clear that she would find ways to repeat this if he ever ‘forgot’ to pick the DC up again.

Ok, so you need to put a strategy into operation. Tell him first, and crack on with it.

From now on, you’re doing all your family birthdays and Christmas gifts. (You have to be strong on this one if you get on well with MIL. My DH gets one reminder and that’s it. So far, so good here.)

From now on, any clothes left on the floor will be chucked in the bottom of your wardrobe. They will not be washed by me. (Again, you need a plan in case it gets to the point that the wardrobe door won’t close. This would involve bin liners and his car boot- but it’s never got to that here.)

Childcare - I would deal with that, because my DC would not be allowed to suffer. I think I did most bedtimes in any case, but I can’t believe DH would ever have forgotten tooth brushing, baths and clean clothes, and he’s a better cook than I am.

You have to be willing to drop the rope on anything that does not inconvenience you or ideally not the DC either. But anything that inconveniences him - go for it.

@Wishyouwerehere50 "I ponder often whether it's a can't or whether it's a won't. I don't know the answer and wonder if we ever will."

Of course it's a won't. How can it possibly be can't??

From his perspective, you married him knowing this was how it would be. You accepted him as he was. Why would he change now?

Came on to say exactly the same thing.

These sorts of posts and the wave of LTB responses always leave me feeling ill at ease.

Sorry OP. Generally I am very sympathetic to women carrying most of the load and it gives me the rage. However, there's something about your post that makes me feel sorry for your DH.

First the facts. He works full time and is an active father, a pleasant, caring guy, and sounds like he does atleast some stuff on top, if passively. So not totally uncontributing or useless. And he's been through cancer. That's a huge, traumatic deal. And if it's just a year later, and he's lost his fertility... probably both physical and psychological damage he's still dealing with.

Then there is your tone. Honestly, it doesn't sound like you like or respect him or care what he wants at all. You are basically keeping him around because you are obsessively committed to getting another child for yourself. And you are going to a sperm donor for it. I wonder how much voice he has had in any of this and how he truly feels? His job is basically to provide shelter and income for you to pursue your dream for more children, which won't even be his biologically? I may be totally wrong, but if he already feels dragged along on this ivf/ sperm donor journey, which is for you not him, while trying to recover from cancer, while working full time and being a good, loving dad. Well, frankly, I can understand why he might lack the energy or will to also do housework the way you want.

You don't sound like you have much interest or caring about his needs or emotional situation at all? You certainly haven't mentioned his desire for a further child or how he is, etc.... ?

Tale as old as time, I’m afraid OP.

Assuming you have already spoken to him about this many times, he is unlikely to change. As a last ditch attempt, you could try couples counselling.
Maybe after such a huge life hurdle he is feeling ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ and is still rather more focused on himself and his own wellbeing than on you.

You could set a time-frame to try and improve things. Maybe a year? The couples counselling might help?

But if all else fails, if you want to stay with him, you will have to make peace with the way he is. “You can’t change people” is a well worn cliche for a reason.

Is it fair? No. Is it reality for many couples? Yes.

Did the type of cancer he had have anything to do with his brain? or could affect his memory? That's the only possible excuse I can think of.

I'm afraid it sounds like he needs to change, not you... Also afraid it sounds like many of us can't help because our husbands do more and we wouldn't accept them if they acted the same way.

Up to you, but there's a very little point of him.

I think you can ask the women whose husbands step up for advice. If there is anyone who has good advice it could be them

Then you need to accept that you are essentially using a man you appear to actively dislike and resent as a sperm donor. This is what you have chosen.

I don’t understand how some men live alone, working, cooking and cleaning, as well as going to the gym, having a social life and dating etc.

Yet these married men act like they’re incompetent.

Honestly, I just don’t believe it.

I don’t believe men are this incapable.

I think they know that the more they do, the more they’ll have to do.

If they act stupid or do a bad job, they know it will just get done for them.

What kind of loving man leaves their wife to do everything, even if they have had cancer?

okay,.... so he's luckily in remission from cancer. That's great. But yes, he will have to step up.
Draw up a chart with all the days of the week on it.
Under each day put all the tasks he has to do.
At the end of each row - put an empty box where you tick off whether he has done it or not.
Do that for about three months, he should be trained by then.