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Original poster

To be annoyed at the way DH is as a father/husband

135 replies

sushiandarollie · 28/02/2025 21:06

Married couple of years; have one DC aged 3. Struggling to have a second through many rounds of ivf (I’m desperate to have more). DH has had health issue after married (now in remission). So it’s been stressful. DH irritates me so much .He was always a bit lazy with house chores etc before DC . But he struggles to take any initiative to do things by himself (doesn’t put washing in basket/wash up/change toilet roll/ clean up). Tonight he ‘forgot ‘ to brush DC teeth before bed. Probably the 5th time he’s forgot. I worry he literally would not be able to do the basics if it came to it (if I was away or anything) . It winds me up and I get so angry with his inability to do anything. Please tell me if not just me ?!

OP posts:
CantHoldMeDown · 02/03/2025 18:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
sushiandarollie · 02/03/2025 18:23

I’d love to know which of you have perfect marriages based on your answers….

OP posts:
Partybaggage · 02/03/2025 10:14

What is it you want from this thread?

Obviously it's a terrible idea to bring another child into this unhappy relationship but you're going to plough on regardless because you having another child is obviously more important than that child's quality of life in an unhappy home. Plus it's two children to be neglected by your husband instead of just one.

See you in a years time when you're juggling a toddler and a newborn on your own.

Original poster
sushiandarollie · 02/03/2025 10:10

Moonnstars · 02/03/2025 08:55

If you are worried about the load on you then having another child won't help, and that is what people are trying to help you understand.
Reading a lot of posts on here generally it seems if a man isn't helping now that isn't going to suddenly change.
You need to accept that you do everything and get the child you want, or you need to be content with what you already have and know that is your limit of what you can cope with.

Show quote history

Yes I agree exactly I think , am I at my limit of coping or can I learn to let things go I suppose is what I’m trying to figure out .
I feel lonely and do find it difficult trying to do it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
sushiandarollie · 02/03/2025 10:08

CharityShopMensGlasses · 02/03/2025 09:26

Have you had couples counselling about this? Is it definitely want DH wants too? Have you talked to adult children of sperm donors about their experience of this?
What will you do if it doesn't work out?

The cancer will likely have had psychological and physical affects on DH the way it sounds like in your posts minimised that makes me feel quite uncomfortable.

It all sounds like a tough situation...to bring a second child into that..could increase the difficulty.

Either way emotion support for you both might help work out how you can work things better together.

Show quote history

its not the donor that’s an issue, situation would be same whether it was genetically ours or not. Difference being we are going through tough process of ivf rather than the usual way

OP posts:
Original poster
sushiandarollie · 02/03/2025 10:05

Gymmum82 · 02/03/2025 09:49

Do not underestimate the effects radiotherapy has on the body. Chronic fatigue is extremely common. The guy is less than a year out and working full time. I’d be surprised if he has the capacity for anything else. Yet here he is playing with his child. Doing some house work. Under normal circumstances I’d be calling him a useless waste of space too. But I know first hand what radiotherapy does to you. So I’d cut him some slack. Even working full time a year after that is an achievement

I agree people suffer from the effects of cancer treatment , I’ve seen it in family members. But in DH case, he hasn’t felt any side effects - he’s certainly not got any fatigue . He happily gets up and about with work/ hobbies/ meeting friends. It’s not that he’s tired or fatigued, he just rather sits watching football or sport than say tidying up the kitchen. Which is fine but then nothing is done ever, as in every week I find myself being the only one to sort food, clean house, do washing, tidy up etc.
He would say he’s no effect at all. I would say he’s a little different psychologically- as in not as positive a person as he used to be as and is maybe less trusting of Doctors in general

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 02/03/2025 09:49

Do not underestimate the effects radiotherapy has on the body. Chronic fatigue is extremely common. The guy is less than a year out and working full time. I’d be surprised if he has the capacity for anything else. Yet here he is playing with his child. Doing some house work. Under normal circumstances I’d be calling him a useless waste of space too. But I know first hand what radiotherapy does to you. So I’d cut him some slack. Even working full time a year after that is an achievement

CharityShopMensGlasses · 02/03/2025 09:26

sushiandarollie · 28/02/2025 23:37

I’m desperate for another. I’m mid thirties and I’ve been putting so much into ivf , I am not going to give up my one chance for have another

Show quote history

Have you had couples counselling about this? Is it definitely want DH wants too? Have you talked to adult children of sperm donors about their experience of this?
What will you do if it doesn't work out?

The cancer will likely have had psychological and physical affects on DH the way it sounds like in your posts minimised that makes me feel quite uncomfortable.

It all sounds like a tough situation...to bring a second child into that..could increase the difficulty.

Either way emotion support for you both might help work out how you can work things better together.

Moonnstars · 02/03/2025 08:55

sushiandarollie · 02/03/2025 08:16

I’m not sure how you have come to the conclusion I don’t love him from me talking about the lack of chores …. extreme reaction …
I have said he’s a good father.
It’s a two way street, there’s no point me having all the conversations in the world/ all the counselling when at the end of the day the change is coming from him….
Im not using him for a child then leaving. Im worried about the load onto me if we have another, is it fair for me to be forced to do all the chores, daily life admin because it’s too much for him to try to help?
I have my faults but I don’t see how trying to work/maintain a clean stable life , doing everything chores wise/admin/ all the cleaning so we live in a nice house is me being an awful person

Show quote history

If you are worried about the load on you then having another child won't help, and that is what people are trying to help you understand.
Reading a lot of posts on here generally it seems if a man isn't helping now that isn't going to suddenly change.
You need to accept that you do everything and get the child you want, or you need to be content with what you already have and know that is your limit of what you can cope with.

Original poster
sushiandarollie · 02/03/2025 08:16

jacks11 · 01/03/2025 22:11

Then you are every bit as bad as he is! You are being just as selfish as he is, but in a different way. And more calculated.

He is lazy/thoughtless and you don’t appear to like him, far less love him. You view him with utter contempt. You do not think he is a good father. You don’t think he is a good husband. You don’t seem to want a relationship with him. All quite possibly totally fair. And certainly, it seems like he has his failings.

However, you have chosen not to have a serious discussion (or another one, possibly) with your husband about the fact you aren’t happy and this relationship is not working for you, perhaps looking at ways you could work on it (if you want to). If you don’t want to address your problems, or work on your relationship- or, if you have tried and he won’t make changes/work on the relationship and you’ve had enough- then you should end your relationship. It really is that simple- work on it together, or if you both/one of you can’t or won’t do that, end it and move on.

Don’t bring a child into this mess, it’s not fair to them or the child you have. They will pick up on your resentment and contempt for their father. They will see his lack of effort. None of you will be happy. Or you are bringing them into a family which you already know will be split because you intend to leave him the minute you get what you want.

Altogether, it’s a pretty despicable way to treat your husband- even if he isn’t perfect/- you are simply using him to have a child when you don’t want to be in a relationship with him/actively dislike him (but presumably haven’t told him the extent of your negative feelings?). You are using him to get what you what you want- another child- without him having full knowledge of your feelings towards him (or possible intent- ? To leave as soon as you have a baby). That’s not the kind of thing you use another person to achieve if you have any integrity. It’s just wrong- use a sperm donor if you must- at least they are aware of what they are signing up for. I’m sorry if this seems harsh- but I think using another person (especially someone you must have at least cared for at some point if you chose to marry him) to have a child is wrong.

I’m not saying he is without fault- it certainly sounds like he has the fair share of blame in this failing relationship, and is clearly not always treating you well and supporting you as you need. But I think what you are doing is worse.

Edited
Show quote history

I’m not sure how you have come to the conclusion I don’t love him from me talking about the lack of chores …. extreme reaction …
I have said he’s a good father.
It’s a two way street, there’s no point me having all the conversations in the world/ all the counselling when at the end of the day the change is coming from him….
Im not using him for a child then leaving. Im worried about the load onto me if we have another, is it fair for me to be forced to do all the chores, daily life admin because it’s too much for him to try to help?
I have my faults but I don’t see how trying to work/maintain a clean stable life , doing everything chores wise/admin/ all the cleaning so we live in a nice house is me being an awful person

OP posts:
tothelefttotheleft · 01/03/2025 23:00

PangolinPan · 28/02/2025 21:38

My DP was the one pushing for a second baby and eventually I said I'm happy to go for it but you are going to have to massively step up. And he did.

But what if he hadn't?

Yeoldlondoncheese · 01/03/2025 22:25

sushiandarollie · 28/02/2025 23:37

I’m desperate for another. I’m mid thirties and I’ve been putting so much into ivf , I am not going to give up my one chance for have another

Show quote history

Yet another innocent child will be brought into a shitshow of a relationship because a woman was so ‘desperate” for another.

jacks11 · 01/03/2025 22:11

sushiandarollie · 28/02/2025 23:37

I’m desperate for another. I’m mid thirties and I’ve been putting so much into ivf , I am not going to give up my one chance for have another

Show quote history

Then you are every bit as bad as he is! You are being just as selfish as he is, but in a different way. And more calculated.

He is lazy/thoughtless and you don’t appear to like him, far less love him. You view him with utter contempt. You do not think he is a good father. You don’t think he is a good husband. You don’t seem to want a relationship with him. All quite possibly totally fair. And certainly, it seems like he has his failings.

However, you have chosen not to have a serious discussion (or another one, possibly) with your husband about the fact you aren’t happy and this relationship is not working for you, perhaps looking at ways you could work on it (if you want to). If you don’t want to address your problems, or work on your relationship- or, if you have tried and he won’t make changes/work on the relationship and you’ve had enough- then you should end your relationship. It really is that simple- work on it together, or if you both/one of you can’t or won’t do that, end it and move on.

Don’t bring a child into this mess, it’s not fair to them or the child you have. They will pick up on your resentment and contempt for their father. They will see his lack of effort. None of you will be happy. Or you are bringing them into a family which you already know will be split because you intend to leave him the minute you get what you want.

Altogether, it’s a pretty despicable way to treat your husband- even if he isn’t perfect/- you are simply using him to have a child when you don’t want to be in a relationship with him/actively dislike him (but presumably haven’t told him the extent of your negative feelings?). You are using him to get what you what you want- another child- without him having full knowledge of your feelings towards him (or possible intent- ? To leave as soon as you have a baby). That’s not the kind of thing you use another person to achieve if you have any integrity. It’s just wrong- use a sperm donor if you must- at least they are aware of what they are signing up for. I’m sorry if this seems harsh- but I think using another person (especially someone you must have at least cared for at some point if you chose to marry him) to have a child is wrong.

I’m not saying he is without fault- it certainly sounds like he has the fair share of blame in this failing relationship, and is clearly not always treating you well and supporting you as you need. But I think what you are doing is worse.

Whatthefuck3456 · 01/03/2025 21:36

Many classic sighs of inattentive adhd

Tourmalines · 01/03/2025 21:17

financialcareerstuff · 01/03/2025 14:28

Sorry OP. Generally I am very sympathetic to women carrying most of the load and it gives me the rage. However, there's something about your post that makes me feel sorry for your DH.

First the facts. He works full time and is an active father, a pleasant, caring guy, and sounds like he does atleast some stuff on top, if passively. So not totally uncontributing or useless. And he's been through cancer. That's a huge, traumatic deal. And if it's just a year later, and he's lost his fertility... probably both physical and psychological damage he's still dealing with.

Then there is your tone. Honestly, it doesn't sound like you like or respect him or care what he wants at all. You are basically keeping him around because you are obsessively committed to getting another child for yourself. And you are going to a sperm donor for it. I wonder how much voice he has had in any of this and how he truly feels? His job is basically to provide shelter and income for you to pursue your dream for more children, which won't even be his biologically? I may be totally wrong, but if he already feels dragged along on this ivf/ sperm donor journey, which is for you not him, while trying to recover from cancer, while working full time and being a good, loving dad. Well, frankly, I can understand why he might lack the energy or will to also do housework the way you want.

You don't sound like you have much interest or caring about his needs or emotional situation at all? You certainly haven't mentioned his desire for a further child or how he is, etc.... ?

Agree . Poor bloke .

CantHoldMeDown · 01/03/2025 21:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

JHound · 01/03/2025 21:01

justanothercrapbedtime · 01/03/2025 20:31

Any potential child will not share either of our DNA.

That's even worse

Why?

It’s just like adopting a child.

JHound · 01/03/2025 20:59

GreyCarpet · 01/03/2025 15:08

From his perspective, you married him knowing this was how it would be. You accepted him as he was. Why would he change now?

This!!

JHound · 01/03/2025 20:54

sushiandarollie · 01/03/2025 10:08

I don’t understand the first comment?
it is a donor actually as DH had cancer treatment after we got married.

Show quote history

So if you used an actual sperm donor what is the point of your useless husband?

JHound · 01/03/2025 20:42

sushiandarollie · 28/02/2025 23:37

I’m desperate for another. I’m mid thirties and I’ve been putting so much into ivf , I am not going to give up my one chance for have another

Show quote history

Ok I get why you are sticking around for the second but you have to accept you have chosen a useless man and he won’t be changing from
who he was before you had kids.

Just plan on how you intend to manage it by yourself.

JHound · 01/03/2025 20:37

I don’t understand these marriages.

Why do I keep hearing women say their partner is useless and lazy…and they marry them and have multiple children with them.

Like….why?!

justanothercrapbedtime · 01/03/2025 20:31

Any potential child will not share either of our DNA.

That's even worse

SweetBabyCheesus · 01/03/2025 17:53

In fact, if I ever leave him, that will be the reason. Imagine pure laziness losing you the love of your life.

SweetBabyCheesus · 01/03/2025 17:52

CannotBelieveImAskingThis · 01/03/2025 15:47

I'd argue that he isn't one of the decent ones then.

OP I am currently in the baths having some 'me' time. My husband insisted that I should. I can hear them playing together downstairs with lots of laughter.

Day-to-day DH vacuums far more than I do, and picks up around the house more than me too. He sees when the washing basket is full, and puts a wash and dry on.

If I died tomorrow, my DC would still have an incredible, hands on parent. He knows when nap time is, and why. He brushes their teeth. He bathes them. Currently, he has a day off with them in the week and it's his favourite day. They go to the park together, go for coffee shop dates, and other fun things.

The only thing that would change would be their dress. He absolutely no sense of colours and would probably buy garish, bright, mismatched outfits thinking that he's done well 😂

OP. Think carefully about having another child with this man. Men can be equal fathers and husbands with women.

Edited
Show quote history

Oh, he really is. I get loads of me time, he runs me baths, runs my feet, cooks sometimes. I love him. But he forces me into a place where I find myself giving direction. As I have said to him, many MANY times - I'm not a fucking project manager. The bloke is 50 years old. We both have grown up children. It's pure laziness and entitlement, and I know the odd one pulls their weight - but they are very few and far between, ime.

Moonnstars · 01/03/2025 16:48

It's hard to know what you want from this post.
It sounds like he is set in his ways, and you say overall he is a good parent and you desperately need him to be there (for the income I presume) of having another child.
If he isn't willing to step up now, having another child is going to just add to your workload. If you are that desperate for another child and happy to do that then you just have to grin and bear it. If that is too much, then like others, I don't think having another child is a good idea.