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Original poster

Please give my head a wobble-secondary infertility

40 replies

feelingabitmeh1 · 28/02/2025 09:47

Long story short we have one wonderful DC and have been trying for another for more than 3 years. Decided against IVF as complications for me are likely plus it's too expensive (we have been incredibly lucky to have one DC naturally!), problem is mainly male infertility. I always said one child would be great and every further one a bonus but I seem to have completely lost all perspective and think about nothing else- I could cry when I see siblings play, when someone announces a new pregnancy- I have tried 2 different therapists but nothing helped and am seriously considering antidepressants now as I feel so hopeless, and that the best days are behind me, and so sad that I will never get to be pregnant/ have a baby again. We have such a lovely life and all I can think of is why did it not work out with a second child- I want to be grateful for what I have but I keep ruminating and going round in circles. I'm 37 now so it's probably not going to happen now and I am starting to worry about complications- please can you give me some sort of perspective and tell me that I should be happy for what I have?

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingabitmeh1 · 28/02/2025 10:25

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 28/02/2025 10:20

Is a sperm donor out of the question with IUI?

That's not something I would consider and neither would my husband (no offence to anyone who does obviously, nothing wrong with this!)

OP posts:
Jimmyneutronsforehead · 28/02/2025 10:20

Is a sperm donor out of the question with IUI?

Original poster
feelingabitmeh1 · 28/02/2025 10:16

BattIestar · 28/02/2025 10:07

I wouldn't swop having my two for one, obviously, now the second is here, But truly, I can see huge advantages of just having the one, and I know many One and Dones and the child is absolutely thriving. My three closest local friends all have one (all boys, weirdly!), and each child has the best of adventures and schooling and travel and afterschool clubs. I have to juggle mine, and there are many compromises to be made.

My advice as it is your DPs sperm that is the main issue, is to keep trying, but not focus on it. You've done all the right things, and it's in the hands of fate.

Thank you so much for your kind and honest words. This is it- my child is wonderful, kind and clever, we get to travel a lot and all is good, so I think this feeds into me feeling ashamed of feeling not grateful enough. I really like how you say it is up to fate- I think that's so true! I should just let things run it's course!

OP posts:
BattIestar · 28/02/2025 10:12

feelingabitmeh1 · 28/02/2025 10:07

Aww congratulations! How long did you try for a second if I may ask? Yeah I think I will just keep trying with the slight glimmer of hope each month!

Show quote history

Thank you. I tried pretty much immediately after dc1, as I was already 36 by then. I have a four and three quarters years age gap between them. As I said, I did have a miscarriage just before I got pg with dc2, and that would have given me an age gap of 4y4m. It was truly demoralising seeing everyone have two kids in quick succession, but I had gotten to the stage just before we did finally get pg of thinking, I am lucky to have my one, and if this is it, so be it. It feels like a miracle that I got my second without IVF, as that was the path we were on, and had just needed a couple of months of saving to have afforded it, then it happened. ExH also didn't have the best swimmers, but they had said he was not low enough for it to be flagged as a major issue, so deemed us unexplained secondary fertility.

Best of luck x

BattIestar · 28/02/2025 10:07

I wouldn't swop having my two for one, obviously, now the second is here, But truly, I can see huge advantages of just having the one, and I know many One and Dones and the child is absolutely thriving. My three closest local friends all have one (all boys, weirdly!), and each child has the best of adventures and schooling and travel and afterschool clubs. I have to juggle mine, and there are many compromises to be made.

My advice as it is your DPs sperm that is the main issue, is to keep trying, but not focus on it. You've done all the right things, and it's in the hands of fate.

Original poster
feelingabitmeh1 · 28/02/2025 10:07

BattIestar · 28/02/2025 09:58

I got pg finally with my second at 40. No cause of the secondary infertility was found. I was desperate for a sibling for my first (and obviously a second child for myself). We were saving for IVF when I managed to get pg on my second round of clomid (actually did get pg on the first round but lost that one). 37 is not too old, imo - if you can bear the heartache every month, I'd keep trying. I had told myself 40 was my cut off, and we'd have managed one round of IVF if it hadn't happened by the xmas of my 40th year.
For those years it wasn't happening though, i was exactly the same as you - I didn't see a therapist, but I am sure I had depression. I can relate.
If you do only have the one, there are so many pros to having an only.

Edited for typo

Edited

Aww congratulations! How long did you try for a second if I may ask? Yeah I think I will just keep trying with the slight glimmer of hope each month!

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingabitmeh1 · 28/02/2025 10:03

Quitelikeit · 28/02/2025 10:01

So does your dp have a low sperm count? It’s not clear

Yes- low motility, morphology, and count. It was already low when trying for our second but has gone worse over the years. I stupidly thought that surely if we have one, another would follow eventually- never realised how many people struggle with secondary infertility and feel really silly now. In addition I have always had an extremely unreliable cycle but no cause was ever found and believe me I had all the tests you can have- and I also have a prolactinoma which is why IVF is dangerous

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 28/02/2025 10:01

So does your dp have a low sperm count? It’s not clear

Original poster
feelingabitmeh1 · 28/02/2025 10:01

Thank you all. It's pretty severe male infertility for which we have tried many things like acupuncture, and also lots of expensive supplements. The thing is I am imagining other people judging me for just having one, and for my child to miss out- we are also looking at getting a pet- and I feel I have to arrange constant playdates to make up- though funnily enough me and my sister are 9 years apart and I personally never missed anything at all, which makes me think that I am totally blowing it out of proportion!

OP posts:
BattIestar · 28/02/2025 09:58

I got pg finally with my second at 40. No cause of the secondary infertility was found. I was desperate for a sibling for my first (and obviously a second child for myself). We were saving for IVF when I managed to get pg on my second round of clomid (actually did get pg on the first round but lost that one). 37 is not too old, imo - if you can bear the heartache every month, I'd keep trying. I had told myself 40 was my cut off, and we'd have managed one round of IVF if it hadn't happened by the xmas of my 40th year.
For those years it wasn't happening though, i was exactly the same as you - I didn't see a therapist, but I am sure I had depression. I can relate.
If you do only have the one, there are so many pros to having an only.

Edited for typo

ScentOfAMoomin · 28/02/2025 09:57

I had secondary infertility after the birth of DC1 and a subsequent miscarriage. We tried for 18 months, which I know isn’t long in the scheme of things, but was heartbreaking.

what worked for us was making a conscious decision not to have sex in my supposed fertile period, to actually ignore that time and go back to having sex for fun in other weeks.

low and behold, along came DC2 within a month of trying that!

summersingsinme · 28/02/2025 09:54

The thing is, you clearly are happy with and grateful for what you have. You were just hoping for something slightly different, and somewhere along the line, that hope has bloomed into something that is now causing you pain, because what you want may not be attainable. I think you need to deal with that pain and perhaps some outside help in the form of therapy might be a good place to start.

JoeySchoolOfActing · 28/02/2025 09:52

Totally normal to feel as you are feeling now, try not to beat yourself up. Keep trying with the therapy, you will get through this. Meds may also help, talk to your GP.
You obviously appreciate what you already have but it is ok to feel real sadness about secondary infertility.
I wish you well

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 28/02/2025 09:50

That's really hard OP. Doesn't really matter how many people tell you you're lucky/ve grateful for what you have etc, you feel how you feel and that is valid. My friend in this situation actually went back to birth control to remove the slight possibility as they found it helpful not to have that slight up and big down of hope every month, and then could deal with acceptance and grief to move forward.

Groves1997 · 28/02/2025 09:49

Believe me I know many people get pregnant naturally YEARS after 37 ❤️

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