Am I being unreasonable to give birth away from the child’s father because he doesn’t want to get married?

His terms on which he was prepared to conceive with her were unreasonable. At the time she thought they would work for her and the baby.

Absolute nonsense.

His terms were that he didn't want to put his existing children's home at risk, which is entirely reasonable.

She went ahead and decided to TTC on those terms, on the basis that she thought she could blackmail him into changing his mind later.

If she only wanted to have a baby near her "support network" then she should have TTC with a man who actually lives near her support network.

If she only wanted to have a baby with the protection of marriage then she should have TTC with a man she was married to.

It's as simple as that.

She openly admits in her own posts that she is effectively blackmailing him and she doesn't believe that what she is doing is in anyone's best interests except her own.

It's wrong to deprive her child of half their family because her stupid decisions backfired.

The difference is - her partner didn’t ever do anything but be honest about his feelings

it doesn’t matter!! His terms on which he was prepared to conceive with her were unreasonable. At the time she thought they would work for her and the baby. She’s realised they don’t . For very good reasons. That’s totally fair enough .
The worst she’s guilty of is being a bit naive- the same can’t be said of her partner.

Whether you think that makes him selfish or whatever, those are his boundaries and he’s entitled to have them

Oh god. Not this “boundaries” crap. Having “boundaries” doesn’t mean you get to do whatever the fuck you like without blame or consequence.
If I decide to have a baby but my “boundaries” are, I never intend to pay any child support - am I “entitled to have them”?cos they are my “boundaries”. No. Cos It’s against the law.

OP’s partners “boundaries” aren’t illegal granted, but they do put her in a position where she has no housing or financial security- trapped in a foreign country with no family support and no ability to leave . she is absolutely correct not to subject herself to them, and if the partner doesn’t like it he’s very free to make different choices.

Thats it.

The fact that the OP deliberately got pregnant despite knowing the situation and her baby's father hasn't actually done anything wrong?

If he was abusive in some way then yes, getting out while she still could would be a no trainer.

Having an involved father is sadly not a given for children even if they live in the same house as their father. This might have some posters up in arms but statistically, most fathers are shit in some way, it's just a scale of shitness. It ranges from not pulling their weight and shouldering 50% of the burden of raising a child, to not paying for their children, to actual abuse at the far end of the spectrum.

Contact with a caring father is usually beneficial for a child, yes, but it's not the trump card in terms of the child's welfare that some people seem to think it is. Having a secure stable home, sufficient material resources and an emotionally available primary caregiver who is not suffering extreme stress are often far more important.

You can chamge your viewpoint, sure. But ultimately, your choices will have led to a child growing up away from its father and paternal family because of your stupid fucking decisions. So yeah, you can change your mind about having a baby with a man who never promised anything about committing to you in a legal way, but you’ll be the asshole who willingly had a baby with a man who never wanted to commit
to you and then denied that baby access to half of its family.

There are a lot of people on this thread who think that someone is never entitled to change their viewpoint.

The OP may have thought that she'd be ok with having a baby in the present circumstances but when you're facing the cold, hard reality of having and supporting a baby with someone you no longer really trust and who you suspect isn't that committed to you (and perhaps your child too) in financially precarious circumstances where your housing and wellbeing depend on having a functioning relationship with that person, it's enough to focus the mind on whether being closer to the family you trust isn't perhaps the better solution for both you and the child.

Probably the conscious decision to have a baby with this man, knowing he wasn’t offering any of these things. And then use her unborn child as a blackmail tool to get him to change his mind?

Isn't the usual MN position for a mum to be to come back to the UK rather than risk having a baby in a country that might mean being trapped there for 19+ years?

The other MN position is usually to insist that unless she's on the deeds, only marriage should give the father any rights/the baby his surname.

What's different here?

Agree, and he would pay child support if they broke up, and op would work. There's no reason to think they'd be homeless.

The difference is - her partner didn’t ever do anything but be honest about his feelings. Whether you think that makes him selfish or whatever, those are his boundaries and he’s entitled to have them. Op, knowing his feelings, forged ahead regardless. He didn’t make promises he reneged on after the baby was conceived- he never promised anything. You are an idiot and have no one else to blame if you purposely get pregnant despite being told unequivocally that your partner will never marry you or share property.

But op went ahead anyway and got pregnant

with the power of the Holy Spirit 🤣

It is, 100% op’s fault. Her partner was never anything other than honest about his feelings. Most people who weren’t on the same page regarding the future would cut losses and move on. But op went ahead anyway and got pregnant. This situation is 100% on her.

Not that the situation is real - the op posted a few controversial replies and has never been back 🤔

It's not OP who will be supporting her child, it's whoever's house she is now living in.

OP is in a position to support her child’- in her home country. But you are insisting it would be unspeakably cruel to deprive the child of his/ her father and blaming that on OP (despite the fact that it’s entirely in the man’s power to change that if he wants). Yet of course you think it’s more than reasonable to deprive a child of their mother, and that no doubt is still the OP’s fault. Funny how that all works in your mind.

Let's hope it is.

Op won’t elaborate because this is all made up.

He is the only one of the two who seems to be in a position to support a child, is he not?

Perhaps the best thing for this child would be for the OP to give them to their father to raise.

im not the least bit surprised you suggested this

I very much doubt the OP will elaborate.

But the fact that she sent him a text to say he won't get to have a relationship with his baby tells us a lot about what kind of person she is.

Even she doesn't believe this is in her baby's best interests, so no idea why you do.

OP also says he wasn’t supportive in her pregnancy which you continually ignore but if you doubt that then doubt her claims he is a great dad too. What does great dad mean? Would he have or even want his kids full time? We don’t know? It’s all speculation. Does he support his kids? What does his kid’s mum say? Unless OP elaborates we will never know.

Exactly. The double standards are insane

This man already has a good track record of supporting his kids though, doesn't he?

He's coming across as a lot more responsible than the OP.

If you deliberately get pregnant whilst living in the house of a man who has said he doesn't want to give you a share of ownership in that house when you have almost no money in the bank then yes, more fool you.

But there is absolutely nothing to suggest that her partner, who is, by her own admission, a great dad to his existing children, would have made her or their child homeless.

Perhaps the best thing for this child would be for the OP to give them to their father to raise.

The same could be said of her ex except you never would because only the woman needs to suffer to you. If he put his child first he would have made offers and tried to compromise with OP. After all what would best for his child? It may not be best for him but that is inconceivable for you, only OP should take on all risk, even though the risks from doing this will be worse for her child.

And her suffering will not help her children. Look at all the stories of women left abandoned by partners? Even those who see their kids may not financially support them even if they can.

There was no question of the OP being homeless, this is pure hyperbole
Uh
it’s really not.

If you want to live in a situation where you are entirely trapped and subject to the control of a man- (a man who was willing to get your pregnant but refuses to commit or provide you with any security, in a relationship that is increasingly unstable)- dependent on appeasing him to maintain a roof over your head- then more fool you.

But please stop telling other women they have to do this, because they really don’t. And please stop telling them it’s good for their children, because it really isn’t.