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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to give birth away from the child’s father because he doesn’t want to get married?

557 replies

Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 02:30

My partner has two children to a previous relationship, we have been together for a while. We have discussed getting married but he was reluctant as he wants to protect himself financially. I understood that, and took a risk and decided to have a child with him as we had a great relationship. Since getting pregnant it’s been rocky. I’m not a uk citizen, my family is on the other side of the world. I’m with family at the moment as I needed to get away. Am I being unreasonable to stay here and have the child with my support system around me? He can’t move here, or even visit because he has his children. I feel stuck between doing the right thing for all the children involved, or the right thing for myself.

OP posts:
araiwa · 28/02/2025 04:03

Marrying a blackmailer doesn't seem sensible for him

Original poster
Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 04:02

FreeWave · 28/02/2025 03:54

Since he doesn't want to get married, why would you take the risk of having a child for him?

Because I thought I was the acception rather than the rule.

OP posts:
LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 28/02/2025 04:02

Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 03:59

I’m not asking for maintenance, but he does have the ability to fix this. He just won’t.

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So you’ve trapped him into marrying you basically.

you decide to get pregnant will him making it very clear that marriage is not an option and you then blackmail him into marrying you by saying he doesn’t get to be in the child’s life if he doesn’t?

EdithBond · 28/02/2025 04:01

YANBU. You must do what’s best for you and your child. That means having as much support around you as possible.

It may be helpful to seek immigration advice about your child’s rights to nationality and immigration status. There may be pros and cons. I have no idea. But it’s possible, if your child is born in the country you’re in now (and depending on whether the father’s name is on the birth certificate), your child may have no/few rights to live in the UK, even if you do. On the other hand, if the father is on the birth certificate, he may have rights to a say over where the child can travel or live. Certainly don’t assume you could pick and choose where you live. You may have to make that decision before you give birth.

Fraaances · 28/02/2025 04:00

He doesn’t see this kid in the same way he sees the others. Give birth where you have family and friends to support you. This guy is an arse.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 28/02/2025 03:59

I can see why you want to be with your parents/ in your own country but that decision means deliberately keeping the child away from him father and not letting the child have their father in their life. Morally I think it’s wrong, you chose to have the child together. Also, you have to live with any hurt and anger your child feels later in life about not knowing their father.

Original poster
Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 03:59

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 28/02/2025 03:53

If she deliberately keeps his child from him then asking for maintenance is wrong in my view.

Edited
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I’m not asking for maintenance, but he does have the ability to fix this. He just won’t.

OP posts:
Avoidingsleep · 28/02/2025 03:55

Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 03:04

My issue is I won’t be able to access my support system. I can’t just get on a plane and move once the child is born in the UK.

Show quote history

Then you need to do what is right for you. Just be aware that you are unlikely to see the Dad. You said yourself he won’t/ can’t visit due to his other children.

FreeWave · 28/02/2025 03:54

Since he doesn't want to get married, why would you take the risk of having a child for him?

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 28/02/2025 03:53

Summerhillsquare · 28/02/2025 03:34

He's irresponsible and should have used condoms. Sounds like your relationship is already over. If you can get any maintenance at a distance that may be the best you can do now.

If she deliberately keeps his child from him then asking for maintenance is wrong in my view.

Daschund1 · 28/02/2025 03:51

Did you think he'd change his mind when you became pregnant? He's told you who he is, believe him. Stay where you're loved and supported.

Summerhillsquare · 28/02/2025 03:34

He's irresponsible and should have used condoms. Sounds like your relationship is already over. If you can get any maintenance at a distance that may be the best you can do now.

Original poster
Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 03:29

@AnnoyedAsAllHeck I am working part time and living with my parents. I know I will be ok if I stay here.

We just had a fight about it and I feel guilty, and I need to let him know what’s going on.

OP posts:
AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 28/02/2025 03:27

@Donesomethingsilly Can you find work and lodging where you are now? Is it possible for you to set your life up there and start anew?

The way the BD is acting, I'd try to avoid him as much as possible. It means you might have to do without maintenance, but you'd have your child.

I think going back could be disastrous. jmho

Duckswaddle · 28/02/2025 03:24

He’s just not that into you…he told you very clearly what he was about, he’s looking after himself and his current children.
You need to stay with your family so you have support.
And next time, think a bit more about who you have kids with.

pikkumyy77 · 28/02/2025 03:24

Avoidingsleep · 28/02/2025 02:59

You are being very unreasonable to demand marriage, you knew his terms before you decided to have a child with him.

You sound like you are either using your unborn child to get citizenship or to control him.

If your support system is so strong they will be there IF your relationship falls apart. That IF will become a WHEN if you decide to keep him from his child.

It’s not bad to need your support system around you, can a family member come over to support you around the birth and for a bit after? That way you have extra support.

This is very bad advice as he might have the ability to control her residency and prevent her from taking her child home in the event he kicks her out. Unmarried, without support or status, she is extremely vulnerable to financial and physical abuse during the pregnancy and as a new mother. She would have few rights if he kicked her out but he could make a case to prevent her from taking her child with her and returning home.

Original poster
Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 03:23

endofthelinefinally · 28/02/2025 03:13

I suppose I would consider how much he parents and supports his existing children.
The fact that he has stated that he doesn't want to get married in order to protect himself financially, to me, means he doesn't want to support you or your child financially. So he has told you you are on your own. Believe him.

He is great with his kids, and they are amazing children. But I feel like he is more concerned with keeping his house that having the baby and myself in his life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 03:21

beencaughttrollin · 28/02/2025 03:13

What has changed since the two of you made the decision to have a child together? It sounds as if you trusted him earlier, and now no longer do. Is this just an increasing awareness of the risks for you now that the pregnancy's happening, or did something else change your mind?

Would you honestly be willing (and comfortable) to go back to the UK, have the baby there, and continue living there IF the two of you married?

He wasn’t very supportive in my early pregnancy. It snowballed from there. I would go back once I can go back to work and support myself, assuming I would be able to walk away with enough money to set myself up.

OP posts:
VisitationRights · 28/02/2025 03:20

You are under no obligation to fly back and make his life easier and yours much more miserable. Stay with family support.

endofthelinefinally · 28/02/2025 03:13

I suppose I would consider how much he parents and supports his existing children.
The fact that he has stated that he doesn't want to get married in order to protect himself financially, to me, means he doesn't want to support you or your child financially. So he has told you you are on your own. Believe him.

beencaughttrollin · 28/02/2025 03:13

What has changed since the two of you made the decision to have a child together? It sounds as if you trusted him earlier, and now no longer do. Is this just an increasing awareness of the risks for you now that the pregnancy's happening, or did something else change your mind?

Would you honestly be willing (and comfortable) to go back to the UK, have the baby there, and continue living there IF the two of you married?

Original poster
Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 03:08

endofthelinefinally · 28/02/2025 03:04

If you are not married you have no rights at all wrt financial support or property. He could leave you at any time and there is no guarantee of any maintenance. Equally though, if he is on the birth certificate he can interfere in your life for the next 18 years and stop you from taking your child out of the country.
What I am saying is that you should think very carefully about what is best for you and your child in terms of family support, earning capacity, freedom of movement and so on.
Yes, he could make you and your child homeless if he chose.

Yes, this is exactly the problem. I had planned to buy a flat and rent it out at some point. I just can’t trust that I will be ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 03:04

Avoidingsleep · 28/02/2025 02:59

You are being very unreasonable to demand marriage, you knew his terms before you decided to have a child with him.

You sound like you are either using your unborn child to get citizenship or to control him.

If your support system is so strong they will be there IF your relationship falls apart. That IF will become a WHEN if you decide to keep him from his child.

It’s not bad to need your support system around you, can a family member come over to support you around the birth and for a bit after? That way you have extra support.

My issue is I won’t be able to access my support system. I can’t just get on a plane and move once the child is born in the UK.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 28/02/2025 03:04

If you are not married you have no rights at all wrt financial support or property. He could leave you at any time and there is no guarantee of any maintenance. Equally though, if he is on the birth certificate he can interfere in your life for the next 18 years and stop you from taking your child out of the country.
What I am saying is that you should think very carefully about what is best for you and your child in terms of family support, earning capacity, freedom of movement and so on.
Yes, he could make you and your child homeless if he chose.

Original poster
Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 03:02

Bigcat25 · 28/02/2025 02:56

So if you split, move home, or discuss him being willing to provide you with emergency funds in the event of a split. Do you have any income?

I did work, and had emergency funds but used that up staying in a hotel and then my flight home.

OP posts: