Am I being unreasonable to give birth away from the child’s father because he doesn’t want to get married?

This is a decision you made long ago when you spent your savings on hotels and flights. I can't imagine you did it lightly. You are just having a wobble.

The relationship isn't good now, it won't last a newborn.

In that case you need to be where you have the greatest amount of freedom and support.

You'd be mad to have your child somewhere you are stuck with no money, no support and no right to leave.

From his position, I can see why he doesn't want to risk the future of his existing children and I don't think men see pregnancy in the same way that women prior to baby actually being here.

The positions that make sense for both of you individually are incompatible with being a couple. It's the cold hard reality but not necessarily anyone's fault.

Probably best to acknowledge that rather than both fight over it and try and find amicable ways forward so your child can have some relationship with it's father.

How do we know this, we haven’t heard his side. He doesn’t want to marry the op or give her 50% of his house (that it sounds like she hasn’t contributed to) but there’s been nothing said about him not paying for the upbringing of the child/ providing a home/ looking after the op financially/ not looking after the child once it’s born. He hasn’t kicked her out, she chose to leave.

Incorrect. Her child is a British citizen from birth with a British father, will have full rights to live in the UK, and he cannot control where the child lives if it's born abroad, whether he's on the birth cert or not .

From your updates it's sounds like sounds as though the relationship is already rocky, and this should be the love up bit, and you are already home with your family. Given the very real risks of homelessness for you and the baby, not being allowed to leave the UK with the baby, and not being supported to remain there I would stay put.

Forget marriage or even the relationship for now and just concentrate on getting ready for the baby where you are. If he wants to be an active father to his child he will, he will come and he will put in place what he needs to for you to come back. If deep down he doesn't well hes got rid of you protecting both his assets and his reputation, and you have your child and your family.

Come on, that never works. The "clever" thing is to say, "no babies without marriage". And if it turns out that he isn't actually fussed about having (more) babies, you find someone else who wants both marriage and babies (in that order).

You sound as if you've been hopelessly naive, if not bordering on arrogant.

Having said that, a woman should be able to have whoever she wants in the labour suite with her, you're the patient, not him. As for the longer term, notwithstanding your terrible decisions so far, I'd be inclined to stay where my support base is too. It's high risk for you if he ends the relationship, asks you to leave and you're on your own with your child in a country with no relatives nearby for support.

It’s tricky to know what caused it to crumble - how bad was it?
You only mention that he wasn’t that supportive in the early pregnancy but hard to know what that means…
Was there a chance he could have become a good husband and father? If so, then you’ve blown it by taking his baby away from him.

I think he told you exactly that when he made it clear he didn't want to marry you. He hasn't been dishonest or even unclear. Yet you went ahead and got pregnant and, bluntly, put yourself in this position. Were you planning to use the baby as a bargaining tool? Or worse still as some sort of blackmail? Do you think you're punishing him by disappearing to the other side of the world, hoping he'll cave and beg you to come back? I don't think he will. You haven't "done something silly", you've done something extremely wrong and manipulative and I believe he'll see it as it is. As someone else implied, it does look like your pregnancy has an ulterior motive behind it.

If you actually want him to marry you, and you loved him, you needed to be clever about it!
Have the baby, start your family and perhaps he would soften and change his mind.

Now you’re blackmailing him you’ve probably
killed whatever trust he had.

It'll be easier for you to build a life and security if you've got a support network than if you are isolated. It's fine for him to protect his own interests but he must expect you to do the same.

Leaving aside the baby / where to live... the core of the problem seems to be that the relationship has crumbled under the first real bit of pressure it has faced. He's been unsupportive during your pregnancy and your communication has broken down / can't cope with this. Do either of you still want to work on the relationship? Having seen a different side of him now, is he someone you trust to look after you, support you and who will deal with the pressures of a newborn?

Would you be entitled to any benefits if you were to have the baby in the UK and you split and he completely withdrew his support, leaving you homeless, without childcare and unable to work?

I would stay put for now where you have financial and emotional support and housing, ask to work on your relationship with some (online) relationship counselling to try and fix things (or at least negotiate the best way to split and maintain a co-parenting relationship).

It’s tricky with a newborn though as nursery fees will eat up your income unless a v. High earner. Don’t know if op even has recourse to state funds (some foreign nationals don’t).

Obviously a poor decision to get pregnant but I think having baby where financially secure (due to family support)is sensible.

Since when has contraception been a woman's job? Men are able to buy and use condoms. Pretty low to suggest that only 50% of the relationship should take 100% of the responsibility for getting pregnant.

After a short marriage and presumably entering with no assets
you wouldn’t be entitled to much anyway
just because your married doesn’t mean you can keep his house if u split

Oh ffs, he decided to have a baby too, with a woman from another country and refused to provide her with any sense if security. HE took a big risk too, and it backfired on him. The double standards are fucking ridiculous.

OP it was stupid of you both to have a baby under these circumstances, but I think going home to give birth at least, was the most sensible thing to do. You don't need to sacrifice your happiness and security for him, he's just as responsible for his choices as you are.

Having a baby with someone who has made it 100% clear he doesn’t ever want to get married and then leaving the country telling your partner you’ll only return if he marries you, or gives you 50% of his house is absolutely blackmail.

And op isn’t ‘throwing away her financial security’, because she never had any financial security.

I get that it's unfair on the dad but honestly he shouldn't have been thinking with his dick.

He always told Op he didn't want to marry & she seemingly was happy to have a baby on those terms otherwise she wouldn't have been ttc either!

I agree

But I feel like he is more concerned with keeping his house that having the baby and myself in his life

As someone who went through a dreadfully messy divorce, I am afraid I have to say here that I understand this. I will not be marrying again - and this is not because I'm bitter and hardened by my marriage - it is simply because I have fought long and hard to get to where I am now. I will not be giving anyone even the tiniest of opportunities to take any of that away from me or my children.

The difference, of course, is that I have not gone on to have children with anyone else. It's that which muddies the waters here because your child is also his child and he/she needs to be treated the same as their siblings. You can understand that with three children perhaps his desire to ensure his house is secure for his children is even more important? If you have a search of threads on here, there are many number of adult children who have lost everything when their parent died first and marriage tipped everything automatically into the step parent's hands.

I don't have any answers, except to say don't come back to the UK unless you are sure you want to stay here permanently. The longer you are away without him contesting it, the harder it will be for him to get you and the baby back into the UK from a legal perspective. If you come back, he can make it dreadfully difficult for you to go again and the fact you went in the first place could cast doubt over your reliability to bring a child back in the future if things get difficult. Then you're stuck.

I think your relationship is probably over. The key now is working out as amicably as you can, how you move forwards so your baby can know his/her siblings and maintain a good relationship with his/her dad. It's not impossible but it will take a level head to begin to make it work.

Your poor child. Neither of you thought this through

She doesn't have any financial security to throw away. She says she spent all her money on a stay in a hotel and a plane ticket home, which suggests that she can't have had more than a couple of grand in the bank.

Very true. You don't have any family in the UK. Or people who care about you. You do where you are now. Would you even be able to stay in the UK?

His house provides a home for his children. You have no claim to it. You have no claim to any money other than child maintence, at a reduced rate because he has other children to support.

You made a decision to get pregnant while not married, knowing he never wanted to get married. Using your unborn child to punish him is your choice but you won't be getting set up financially by him. He shouldn't need to lose his children's home because you made a bad decision.

Definitely stay in your home country with your family. If you have the baby in his country the courts could stop you taking your child out of the country if you want to make the decision later.

I don’t think you’ve blackmailed him if he was on board with trying for a baby in the first place. He’s being very unreasonable to expect you to throw away all your financial security to have his child while he keeps his money to himself for his other children. You’ve made a mistake getting pregnant by him, but it’s done now. You need to look after yourself and your child because he’s made it clear that he’s not going to.

This, and even in better circumstances a lot of new mums are isolated and depressed here when the don't have support. The idea that she can just quickly cobble together a support network that's even halfway comparable to what her family can offer is laughable.

I get that it's unfair on the dad but honestly he shouldn't have been thinking with his dick.