How do I begin to change :(

Did the EMDR work immediately? Or was it over the course of weeks/months that you noticed changes?

It often stems from lack of intelligence I find.

I did EMDR and it worked wonders. About six sessions, and all that interior negativity just…wasn’t there anymore? The rumination over past events…gone. I think it is definitely worth trying. It also can help you assimilate good thoughts about yourself too.

I think this is good news. If you can see your thought patterns and realise that they are indeed perceived thoughts and therefore not real then they don't have to be believed. As for going down rabbit holes with habitual behaviours, this needs to be seen as a good thing because every time you can catch them you heal and get stronger.
As for childhood it has to be realised that you dealt with this as only a child can, without the benefit of life experience.
However you're not a child anymore and those things that happened are just that something that happened, you're not guilty or responsible for others behaviour.
It was a lesson not a life sentence. You are now the adult that can love the child that was conditioned by others behaviour.
Every time you catch a thought and let it go count it as a victory and another small step on your path to Reality.

I did schema therapy last year. It really helped me realise that the child I was wasn't faulty, I was just unheard and uncared for and how I was as an adult, using and having the same reactions that I'd learned to protect myself as that small child.

With time, I learned healthier responses and empathy towards that little Sheeit. I learned that I deserved good things, that I can have boundaries and I don't need to try and keep everyone happy.

I'm in a much, much better place now.

I am trying to raise my self esteem too. I have tried therapy and CBT and they have helped to some extent.

But I think it comes down to this. If you have low esteem then for a long time your brain has been telling you - I can’t do this, I’m no good at this, this will go wrong.

This is an automatic thing and causes the brain neurons to fire and go down a well worn route. Recovery means each and every time you find yourself in this pattern, you have to stop yourself and tell yourself the opposite.

This can be exhausting and why they say therapy is hard work. The brains that fires together, wires together. It would be like if you had to think “breath” before every breath you take, it’s hard to keep it up.

I have found constantly reminding myself to question these automatic thoughts becoming more ingrained. I have also found finding mantras helpful.eg I want to be the main character in my own life etc. Sometimes it’s about thinking more about the person you WANT to be and acting like them. (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). One therapist advised standing and adopting a powerful pose when thinking this.

I think a big forward step for me was realising that although my childhood and marriage caused this, it was now my responsibility to own it and let go of blaming others.I had to stop giving power to them and take it for myself.

There also a thing called Locus of Control. You have to move from thinking that things happen to you, to thinking that you can make things happen.

There are many good suggestions above. Keep reading and learning, here and there you will find things that resonate with you. You have to change the way you think, before you can change your behaviour.

As I said it’s really hard work and slow going. I am thinking of trying EMDR next as I’ve heard good results.

Some churches are crap. Sorry.

And yes there are some people of so called faith who definitely have got it very wrong which is a total and utter travesty.

Jesus was killed by the religious leaders of his day, who got it completely wrong.....so all I can say is we don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater

it sounds like you have a plan OP.

If you are looking for practical things to do, then pp are right that finding something meaningful to do can help. Why not join a group where you are engaged in an activity ( so no need to talk if you don’t want to) but still involves being around other people. That sort of thing is low stress ( no pressure to socialize) but working along side others allows social interaction to happen naturally. Maybe something like conservation volunteering? Also allows you to feel good about yourself for doing something good.

I got the opposite message from going to church. That we are all worthless sinners and to be grateful God loves us despite our inherent worthlessness.
It was a terrible message for someone already feeling shit about themselves.

how about you TELL whoevers conduct the cbt what you just said-save you both fannying about?
try this https://alison.com/course/build-your-self-esteem
x

I'm really disappointed that the religious are using this as an opportunity to recruit vulnerable people. It's not on.

OP - it can be harmful for a relationship if you are struggling to accept the other person's love. It's extremely unlikely that you have ever done anything to make you unworthy of love and kindness. You deserve happiness as much as anyone else.

And if you read the OP properly, you’d have seen that she can’t afford months & months of psychotherapy. Or any.

So maybe you’ve got some better suggestions on how you think she could achieve her goal without costing a fortune…..?

Shame but unsurprising to see people’s reaction at the suggestion that someone might go to church. Therapy for sure can work for people, but to suggest that religion ‘doesn’t work’ for people is just untrue. I know so many people personally whose lives have been transformed by their faith for the better. Many of those people went to therapy first and found it didn’t really do much for them! And the ‘controlling women’ narrative… never felt more freedom in my life being a Christian, being a woman.

But this is about OP - genuinely OP, I am so sorry to hear about how you are feeling. Therapy I’m sure would help such a lot to explore how you were made to feel and how much that’s affected you. You absolutely deserve to be loved. Church also does help an immense amount in terms of community, social and emotional support and the peace that comes through prayer and the teachings of Jesus. Even if you don’t explore the faith side of things, the community and support that can come with church is amazing.

This sort of nonsense might work to distract yourself if you stubbed your toe or something but please don't use it as a technique to try and achieve meaningful change.

Psychotherapy is probably the best approach but it can take a long time, ie many, many months and probably years.
Maybe look into EMDR if you feel your trauma is rooted in a single event.

There's a lot of reading you can do about the psychology of trauma and 'complex PTSD', both online and at the library.

I had a crappy childhood and although I have been lucky enough to have talking therapy I also did a lot of reading. You need to reprogram your mind to stop being so harsh on yourself which is the root of low self esteem and shame.

Understanding your triggers and why your body and mind reacts the way it does is very helpful. It makes it less personal, less a perceived 'failing' in yourself and more a reasonable response to what you experienced. You can gradually detach from those feelings of inadequacy and shame. It also helps to realise you are not alone in this.

Pete Walker is a good place to start.

I'm with you @Arrivals4lucky . The OP has asked for genuine help with a mental health issue. I'm pretty sure if she wanted to follow a religion she would already be doing it. It's just not helpful! And for what it's worth I like your potty mouth. Don't go changing. 🤣

Please speak to your therapist.

I am a free CBT therapist and if a treatment isn’t working for a patient, I want to know so I can offer you something different.

there are lots of different types of treatment - don’t give up!

I would also say make time for self-care - like a bubble bath or painting your nails or going for a run. SHOW your body that it’s deserving of care & your mind will start believing it too.

I'm not at all religious but have some respect for people putting ideas forward.

PS - Wash your potty mouth out.

OP I have no idea what parallel universe I've entered here on this thread. Self esteem absolutely will be improved by counselling and I'm fairly certain religion has no place in improving self esteem. It's not an overnight fix but you should be able to get counselling on the NHS with a wait. You will 100% feel better for doing it. I've had it several times in my life and felt rejuvenated afterwards. I see no way that self esteem can be improved by religion. Most religions seem to exist to bash you into submission and from what I can see are used as a way of controlling people (particularly women). Please go for counselling and make it known that this is what you wish to focus on. I was bullied too at school and I've had to work hard to change the way I think about myself. I'm not saying I'm super confident now but I know who I am and I'm happy with myself. I wish you lots of luck OP.

You sound quite ignorant tbh. There is a lot of comfort that some people derive from having a belief in a religion. If it does not work for you, fine, but to belittle other peoples religious beliefs is quite crass imo.

I've been working on my self esteem and it's made a big difference.

Basically, if you want to feel good about yourself you need to do things that will make you feel like a good person - and then make sure you reflect on those efforts daily.

For me that meant being less selfish, thinking of others, small acts of kindness, being honest, owning mistakes, apologising. Then things that were being kind to me eg good food, exercise, skin care etc. Also being brave and facing fears.

I would reflect each night and write down what had gone well, what I was grateful for and what opportunities I had missed to 'do the right thing' so that next time something similar came up, I made a better choice.