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Original poster

To think nurseries seem depressing? Please help me narrow down

164 replies

pleaseguveadvicenotattack · 27/02/2025 19:16

Posting for traffic and help regarding nurseries.

I’ve viewed 8 now and I don’t feel comfortable really leaving my child in any of them. They all seem a bit depressing! However, given I want my child to interact with other children I’ll overlook my concerns as this is my priority. I will also need it likely only 2-3 days a week.

This first nursery has a lot going for it. It has an "Outstanding" Ofsted rating and is owned by an ex-headteacher. It celebrates different cultural events, which is important to me, with events like Chinese New Year and Ramadan. They also have parent Saturdays and family days, which is a nice touch. I haven't seen this level of inclusivity at other nurseries and my child being mixed race in an overwhelming white area, these inclusions even if only on a small level, are somewhat important to me. They seem to offer a tailored childcare approach with twice-daily outdoor time and onsite cook and encourage light risk play which I think is important.

However, I do have a couple of concerns. Firstly, there's no dedicated sleep area, and I saw a child sleeping on their front. This worries me a bit, although the child did seem older (over 1 years old), unlike another nursery I viewed which had a supervised child at 8 months on their front which immediately put me off (I don’t know if I’m being silly!) Secondly, the nursery felt a bit cold and clinical.

The second nursery has a "Good" Ofsted rating. The children seemed happy and there was a generally good vibe. However, there was a smell at the entrance, mold in the baby room, a staff member I wasn't sure about (he appeared quite dopey and all of the staff seemed very young and inexperienced), and an overflowing skip outside. The Ofsted report also mentioned they need to improve consistency of support and encourage independence.

The third nursery has a bright and airy environment, focuses on learning, and has an onsite cook. It seems like there would be lots of interaction for older children and it did seem lively for older children. It had the most inviting and clean atmosphere and the staff seemed switched on and mature. However, there's a long waitlist which is also a good sign I guess - my child would be 1.5 years old before being able to go which is longer than I hoped, and the location is slightly more inconvenient. They haven’t had an Ofsted visit since 2019.

Which nursery would you choose and why?

Have you had any experiences with nurseries like these that you can share?

Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
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FarmerDramaLlama · 10/03/2025 11:13

There is so much variation in both though,

I didn’t particularly like DDs nursery but staff turnover was low and she enjoyed going.

Im grateful to the childminder she went to afterwards but I’m glad she didn’t go to her when she was younger. They did nothing outside the home apart from walk back and forth to school 3
times a day. She was also believed she was an expert in child rearing, despite her own child being quite problematic. DD found going there quite boring unfortunately.

Arran2024 · 10/03/2025 09:48

I guess I'm saying that some children who don't enjoy nursery might enjoy being with a child minder. I agree that nurseries can at least accommodate children who are struggling- they have to - but it can be difficult for everyone.

littleluncheon · 09/03/2025 22:05

The children who don't enjoy nursery settings are not all high-needs, violent, non-verbal etc.

In my experience as a childminder, I've had several children who have had SEN at nursery or who have needed 1:1 in a setting like that who have been settled, happy and easy to manage in a home environment.

flowerrrrpoweerr · 09/03/2025 21:51

@Arran2024 where I am I'm pretty confident childminders wouldn't take these children.

My DC has a mix of nursery and childminder, because of the competition for places my child minder only took on my DC after a trial to make sure they were a good fit for the other children they have, and also the lifestyle they have eg they don't really have a routine, one day its the beach, the next a bus ride to the library, or a supermarket. This is partly why I wanted my DC to go to a childminder mixed with nursery, to be out in 'real life'.

However the particular children I am thinking of would have been extremely difficult to manage in 'real life' rather than the more formulaic nursery with its routines and relatively unchanging environment. There are also many members of staff who can take it turns or lead a hand when more than 1 person is required to stop these children being violent or running off etc.

Not many childminder's would want that child with their other charges. It's the DC's fault, but the reality is that higher/high needs children are not easier to look after all day. The parents need support and not to feel putting them in a nursery is going to damage them.

The alternative would be either both parents, or two or more family members, or 2 two nannies, because looking after a non-verbal child who is not affectionate either is tough emotionally and tough physically as they can often have challenging behaviours. Of course not all SEN children are more difficult to care for, but some are, and a nursery can often be the right place for those children IMHO.

My DC has SEN but it very easy to look after, I have to say, even though the childminder is great fun and I think she's great, it's the nursery who advise me about getting educational support and have a SENCO who has been incredibly helpful with this. The childminder has all the right qualifications etc, but the nursery are a million times better at the more professional aspect of encouraging my DC's development and getting measures in place for preparing for school so they can hopefully attend main-stream without any issues.
Childminder doesn't work school holidays and has several sick days a year (fair enough) but that's another consideration, but taking time off work because my childminder is ill again is not ideal.

So I wouldn't say one setting is right or not, it depends on the family, it depends on the child and obviously lots of posters on here can not imagine what it is like to have different needs or priorities.

Arran2024 · 09/03/2025 20:36

flowerrrrpoweerr · 09/03/2025 20:06

@Arran2024 yes of course, there definitely are children who don't enjoy and can barely tolerate nursery. I volunteered for a short period at my local nursery, the one I ended up sending my DD to.
The staff turnover is massively important, there are several staff who have been working there 20+ years, if staff are happy then that's a good indicator.

There were a handful of children that I observed that really obviously struggled at nursery. I would say they all were likely to be ND (as I am, so I'm fairly knowledgeable, having also worked in education too and can spot it in others).

I would agree those children didn't appear to be happy, but very challenging for any parent to look after full time, especially if the parent is also ND>

The other kids in general seemed to have a good time, some a fantastic time and other's I'm sure would have preferred the undivided attention of a parent instead. But that's not often on the table, and parents aren't always at their best parenting full time (I'm definitely not, I need my space and downtime, even if that is spent working).

I guess these children might get on better at a child minder. It is likely to be less over-stimulating.

flowerrrrpoweerr · 09/03/2025 20:06

@Arran2024 yes of course, there definitely are children who don't enjoy and can barely tolerate nursery. I volunteered for a short period at my local nursery, the one I ended up sending my DD to.
The staff turnover is massively important, there are several staff who have been working there 20+ years, if staff are happy then that's a good indicator.

There were a handful of children that I observed that really obviously struggled at nursery. I would say they all were likely to be ND (as I am, so I'm fairly knowledgeable, having also worked in education too and can spot it in others).

I would agree those children didn't appear to be happy, but very challenging for any parent to look after full time, especially if the parent is also ND>

The other kids in general seemed to have a good time, some a fantastic time and other's I'm sure would have preferred the undivided attention of a parent instead. But that's not often on the table, and parents aren't always at their best parenting full time (I'm definitely not, I need my space and downtime, even if that is spent working).

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/03/2025 10:59

Parker231 · 09/03/2025 10:57

DT’s started full time nursery at six months and have shown no stress related issues growing up. All depends on the individual and probably numerous other factors.

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Same here and mine started full time nursery at 3 months. Mine have thrived at nursery.

Parker231 · 09/03/2025 10:57

MsCactus · 09/03/2025 10:55

@flowerrrrpoweerr I will add to this comment that all the studies they've done on childcare and cortisol (the stress hormone) shows that nurseries cause the most stress to kids. The younger they are, the more stress they experience.

Even the best nurseries just show a smaller stress response, they don't show the same level of cortisol as when a kid is at home or with a 1-2-1 carer like a nanny/grandparent etc. Obviously a different scenario if their caregiver is abusive, and actually it's been shown that deprived/neglected children benefit the most from nurseries.

Show quote history

DT’s started full time nursery at six months and have shown no stress related issues growing up. All depends on the individual and probably numerous other factors.

MsCactus · 09/03/2025 10:55

Arran2024 · 09/03/2025 10:14

I think it depends on the child. My daughter works in a nursery and they have children who really don't enjoy it. They don't want to interact with other children and it's stressful for them to be in that environment from 8 til 6 for 5 days a week.

Show quote history

@flowerrrrpoweerr I will add to this comment that all the studies they've done on childcare and cortisol (the stress hormone) shows that nurseries cause the most stress to kids. The younger they are, the more stress they experience.

Even the best nurseries just show a smaller stress response, they don't show the same level of cortisol as when a kid is at home or with a 1-2-1 carer like a nanny/grandparent etc. Obviously a different scenario if their caregiver is abusive, and actually it's been shown that deprived/neglected children benefit the most from nurseries.

Arran2024 · 09/03/2025 10:14

flowerrrrpoweerr · 09/03/2025 09:59

Dramatic much!?!

I think as adults, yes it would be my idea of hell, but kids love going to nursery.

Mine goes running in the door with a huge smile on her face and is very happy to be there.

Her idea of hell would be what I do all day when she's at nursery. On my arse working on a computer, if I'm lucky getting some housework or admin done in the snatched time in between meetings.
I'm happy she has the opportunity of play and exploring the world in a safe place with lovely adults who care about her. They also get pudding with lunch which is the cherry on top of the cake for my DD

Show quote history

I think it depends on the child. My daughter works in a nursery and they have children who really don't enjoy it. They don't want to interact with other children and it's stressful for them to be in that environment from 8 til 6 for 5 days a week.

flowerrrrpoweerr · 09/03/2025 09:59

Wishingplenty · 02/03/2025 07:04

Private nurseries are usually the pits of hell.

Dramatic much!?!

I think as adults, yes it would be my idea of hell, but kids love going to nursery.

Mine goes running in the door with a huge smile on her face and is very happy to be there.

Her idea of hell would be what I do all day when she's at nursery. On my arse working on a computer, if I'm lucky getting some housework or admin done in the snatched time in between meetings.
I'm happy she has the opportunity of play and exploring the world in a safe place with lovely adults who care about her. They also get pudding with lunch which is the cherry on top of the cake for my DD

Jonas25 · 07/03/2025 07:02

OP the school nursery route is a good option. I did childminder until 2 and then gradually transitioned to a school nursery setting. Worked well.

Arran2024 · 02/03/2025 08:37

Btw I can't believe there are nurseries out there not celebrating cultural stuff, because OFSTED will expect to see examples of inclusivity and cultural enrichment and this is an easy way to demonstrate it. Did one of the nurseries genuinely not do anything?

sierramiller · 02/03/2025 08:04

Yes! I agree. I found my nursery depressjng when i looked round

But my child was happy there and thrived

goodkidsmaadhouse · 02/03/2025 07:10

OP, I’m a little confused. Do you need a nursery so that you and DH can both work? Or is this
purely for socialisation? If the latter, just stop visiting nurseries now. There are so
many ways that you can socialise your baby with you at their side, and then when they get older
there are 2s groups, playgroups etc where you can leave them for a couple hours, then when they get to age 3 (assuming this is the same in England as Scotland) they can go to preschool.

If you don’t need the childcare then you don’t need a nursery at all, so if you don’t feel overjoyed by anywhere you’re looking at, just leave it.

Wishingplenty · 02/03/2025 07:04

Private nurseries are usually the pits of hell.

Umbrellah · 02/03/2025 06:57

But you can teach about cultures and festivals at home? Why is nursery the only option to socialise and teach about cultures?! Eg at Easter you can buy sound books, even visit places of worship etc. it doesn’t have to be left to nursery.

AusMumhere · 01/03/2025 23:01

TemporaryPosition · 01/03/2025 22:59

It was a question, why?

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Because it's reflective of the society we live in and I think that's important and should be celebrated

TemporaryPosition · 01/03/2025 22:59

AusMumhere · 01/03/2025 22:56

Cultural inclusion and events would definitely be a plus for me

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It was a question, why?

AusMumhere · 01/03/2025 22:56

TemporaryPosition · 27/02/2025 19:27

I find it hard to believe the primary reason you're looking at nurseries for your child is so that they can spend time with other kids

Any why is looking at different cultural celebrations such a priority?

Cultural inclusion and events would definitely be a plus for me

Arran2024 · 01/03/2025 22:52

Tbh my main concern would be staff turnover and whether they are fully staffed or have to use temps. My daughter works in a nursery. For ages they struggled to attract and retain staff. It can be a problem in the industry. Stuff like celebrating cultures is imo trivial compared to the staffing. And check they do all the things they claim. The first nursery my daughter worked in claimed to take children out to the park but it never happened.

TheGlitterFairy · 01/03/2025 22:47

To add, 27 babies in one room sounds horrendous on many levels…..please don’t go there

TheGlitterFairy · 01/03/2025 22:45

pleaseguveadvicenotattack · 01/03/2025 18:56

I visited another nursery yesterday and I'm sad because it was actually quite decent. It was one of the cleaner ones I've been to and was part of a family center, so it was a bit more modern. However, the main drawback was that they can have up to 27 babies in the smallest room. Although the ratio is one staff member to 3 babies, this was still unsettling for me.

In the older kids' room (3-4 years), it felt more like Year One at school, and they can have up to 60+ children. On the day I visited, it looked like there might have been 30-40 children, and I think the staff ratio in this room was one to 8. Despite these concerns, I did like the place overall - it had flexible hours, is open until 6:30 PM, and is conveniently located, but these issues made me feel differently about it.

I've also found a school that accepts children from age 2. The school is 20 minutes away, and for 2-year-olds, they attend from 8:40 AM to 3:30 PM, with the option to pay extra for an additional hour or two. This could be another potential option, and then my child could continue at the same school once they reach the appropriate age. I could perhaps hire a nanny until age 2. This is also something I am considering.

Look, you need to use some common sense with all of this.

If you need to use a nursery, then you need to have some hard criteria as to what is acceptable and not - with numbers, staff ratio, outside space, cook on site / cuisine, out of hours situation, nap areas, numbers napping vs non napping, where they nap if napping, free flow outside vs time allowed out…..to name a few….. there are more ….!!

Rycbar · 01/03/2025 22:40

If you don’t feel comfortable then maybe nursery just isn’t for you. Have you thought about a childminder?

also I worked in nurseries for years and most children over the age of one sleep on their tummies!! Once they can roll over it’s absolutely fine for them to do this and a lot of them do it naturally so I wouldn’t worry about that!

TheGlitterFairy · 01/03/2025 22:38

littleluncheon · 01/03/2025 22:03

I once temped in a place that had 48 under 2s in one massive room - it was kind of zoned into 4 groups of 12 with low fences but it was still absolute madness, 48 kids and 16 adults, trying to feed and get them all napping in essentially one big open plan space.
I did two days and never went back.

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that sounds horrendous - good for you not going back