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Original poster

No longer find my DH attractive

36 replies

Lalalandlucy · 27/02/2025 16:35

Thank god this is anonymous because I’d never admit this to any of our friends or family but I’m really struggling to find my DH attractive anymore. His done so much for me and our dd so I feel really guilty and disloyal. He allowed me to be a SAHM for many years and took care of us in every way. We’re so young (early 30s) but our sex life is non existent. I have a very high sex drive but with having a child and him being self employed and constantly having to work, there is no time for intimacy. Whenever he is in the mood he only wants to be pleasured and completely ignores my needs. Next, we recently went on holiday to Bali and this will sound funny but he was literally scared of all the wildlife. From lizards to ants, you name it, he would literally hide behind me and make me deal with them. The whole thing just put me off I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the lack of intimacy. His just been acting like a baby lately; waiting for me to do everything with our dd, if we are out of anything I have to replace it, the other day I came back home and the house was filthy and the bins smelt. He complained he had to work and could not take them out nor watch dd while I did, so I had to take her with me to do it. I arranged a dentist appointment for our dd and he had to take her but he guilt tripped me into believing he was behind on his work so I rescheduled it and instead he got a HAIRCUT the same time her appointment would have been. One of my biggest turn offs is he misses meals because he wants to eat chocolate and junk food all day. When I cook or get food, he complains I didn’t make him anything he likes or didn’t order anything he’d want. If I go to the shop and ask him if he wants anything, he will say no and then complain I didn’t get him anything and I don’t care about him!!! It’s driving me nuts. His being such a little man child. Admittedly when I was on holiday I would briefly stare at other guys which I never do and it’s just confused me. Am I losing feelings for him? Is this normal?

OP posts:
Loubylie · 27/02/2025 17:11

Dollydaydream100 · 27/02/2025 16:39

Well! I'm not surprised you have the Ick massively - I think most women would.

He sounds like a lazy, selfish, cowardly twerp.

Agree with this. And have made a mental note to bring twerp into my active vocab.

Original poster
Lalalandlucy · 27/02/2025 17:06

Adm1010 · 27/02/2025 16:51

It’s the ick and I don’t blame you !

only you know if you can come back from this . I guess the first question is do you want to ?

That’s the question I keep asking myself. I think I owe it to my dd and to him after all his done for us to try working this out but something is telling me I could be happier elsewhere. Maybe the grass isn’t greener though

OP posts:
JemimaFlubberCluck · 27/02/2025 17:02

Sit him down and tell him how you feel. His behaviour is killing your feelings for him. How receptive he is to that and whether he’s willing to work on it with you will tell you what you need to do next.

Futb · 27/02/2025 16:57

Whoever invented the term “The ick” nailed it. This is the exact scenario where we lose respect, which I suppose is the other term but ‘the ick’ is quick and easy.

Hiding behind you because he was scared of the wildlife! No wonder you got the ick 😂

HornyHornersPinkyWinky · 27/02/2025 16:56

He sounds quite selfish, and maybe you are getting sick of it.

Also this bit - Whenever he is in the mood he only wants to be pleasured and completely ignores my needs.

Why would you want to have sex with someone who doesn't care about your pleasure? I would get the ick too.

PoppyBaxter · 27/02/2025 16:55

You're having to parent him and it's turning you off sexually. I've been there and been honest with my husband in the past about it.
I think my husband is SO handsome, but if he makes me do all of the mental load and if I feel I have to be in charge of every single situation we find ourselves in, I get the ick.
We've been together 20 years and are in a good place now, but it takes constant work to prevent him slipping back into old habits. He's always very keen to change though, and horrified when I say things have slipped again. That doesn't make it OK, but we are making it work.

Adm1010 · 27/02/2025 16:51

It’s the ick and I don’t blame you !

only you know if you can come back from this . I guess the first question is do you want to ?

Sassybooklover · 27/02/2025 16:44

When you have young children, tired, working, chores and life in general, does get in the way of an intimate relationship. I know it's not particularly romantic, but could you schedule some time together? It does seem that your husband, is avoiding having to actually parent your child. He is half responsible for her, so therefore should be looking after her/doing things for her. Have you sat him down and told him that he needs to buck his ideas up?! Not all men are like this, my husband certainly isn't and never has been. You are human, might be married but not blind or dead, it's normal to look if you see an attractive man!

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2025 16:41

Your reaction to his behaviour sounds pretty normal and fair. His behaviour is neither. Has he changed or are you seeing him differently? It’s time for a serious state of the nation chat. You could write him a letter if it’s too hard to speak about it and you need him to hear you before interrupting. Try and use I statements: I feel sad about x y x, I wish we could x y z, when x y z happens I feel.

It sounds pretty bad but it’s not necessarily terminal if you can talk to him, listen to how he’s feeling, try and get to a better place between you. It depends a lot on what things have been like before, did he use to make an effort with sex and intimacy? Was he better at housework or has he always been a lazy slob? Is lying new or has he always been shifty and dishonest?

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 27/02/2025 16:40

You have the ick and he is taking you for granted because he thinks he doesn't have to try.

He won't improve, so it just depends how much of your youth you want to give this man.

When you are 80 years old, how many years will you look back on and be happy to have shared them with him?

He doesn't care about your feelings, your pleasure, about being a functioning adult...

How much do you value yourself?

Dollydaydream100 · 27/02/2025 16:39

Well! I'm not surprised you have the Ick massively - I think most women would.

He sounds like a lazy, selfish, cowardly twerp.