This isn't okay is it?

He's not driving drunk is he?

He's trying to make you out to be the bad guy so you don't challenge him on his drinking and clearly unreasonable parenting again and he can stay in the comfortable place of not being challenged at all.

I'd bet my life savings once he's got you doubting yourself enough he'll be willing to give you a second chance so long as you make some changes to the way you handle conflict. Addiction turns people into manipulative, selfish feckers. You're going to need to keep a clear head.

Don't doubt yourself. You did the right thing. He needs help for sure but he's not yet at a stage of admitting that. In the meantime you have to protect yourself and your children. Can you imagine what might have happened if you'd not come home from work early?

Your children need you to protect them. I know it's hard but he needs to go. How often has he been drunk around your children and you didn't know about it?

Unfortunately it's classic alcoholic behaviour to try and push the blame onto you. Don't doubt yourself. If the drinking has always been a problem, his recent bereavement is just an excuse for him to drink more. Many of us have got through traumatic bereavement without alcohol. Look after yourself and your children and get support from your family 💐

His choices aren’t your responsibility, no matter how much support he has had or not had. He chose to endanger and neglect your children by putting his desire for alcohol first and till he can accept responsibility he will never change. He will just continue to do what he wants by manipulating you in to thinking you’re the problem so he doesn’t have to take responsibility.

Always been an issue - he had a drinking problem before his bereavement?

That is different then and you have to take good care as an existing problem may get much worse.

If he is an alcoholic, 'agreeing' it won't happen again is meaningless.

Don't doubt yourself. Go to your parents and be cared for by them.

Unless he wakes up tomorrow, starts AA and accepts responsibility for his alcoholism, you keep going with the divorce.

You wouldn't want this for your children, model that and don't accept it yourself.

He’s making it all your fault so that in his mind none of it has to be his fault. And until he can admit that it’s him who is the problem he’s not going to do anything about it so you are infinitely better off without him. I’m so sorry. And you need to make absolutely sure that his behaviours are documented so that any custody arrangement won’t award him unsupervised time. I would call SS actually, so there’s a record of his dangerous and shitty parenting.

That's the addict talking , this might be his wake up call . Alcoholism makes people very selfish.

It's not a breach of trust to express concerns to friends about something this serious - frankly you could have reported him to social services. Tell your family and friends and get that out of the way, so he can't keep pretending that he doesn't have a serious problem.

I would report this to social services tonight. Unfortunately, I hate to say it, he has a problem that he isn't accepting, to protect the children you need evidence.

Feel you, it's so tough.

I would also recommend as soon as the kids are in bed that you pack a bag for the three of you. Put everything you need for an overnight night stay, birth certificates, passports, important documents relating to finances, house etc, and anything that you really value memory wise like photos, special items. Put the bag in the boot of your car and tomorrow take it to a trustworthy family or friends house. He is likely to return home, there is no stopping him, and you want to make sure you are prepared.

Tomorrow speak to the kid's school safeguarding lead also, you want this on record as dealing with it correctly for your children's safety and also again, for evidence.

I would also speak to your manager tomorrow and explain the severity of the situation. Your kid's safety is the most important thing right now.

So sorry, I've said loads you should do, but then I know you'll be in bits. Give yourself grace, you've done everything you can. Sorry you're going through this.

It’s good that he has left. Your children should not have to live like this.

To the poster who said to keep things as normal as possible, at 5 and 7 they will already be well aware of his drinking problem. Glossing over it will just normalize his behavior. They need to know that the adults in their life know that dad is doing something wrong and won’t put up with it.

they are still allowed to love their father, but a clear distinction needs to be drawn between loving a person and tolerating dangerous behavior.

Stick to your guns and keep him out of the home. Your children are not safe with him and he’s not ready to change. I’d also recommend getting to an al anon group for support.

Alcoholics will say anything to avoid the truth. Try not to take it personally.

It's not OK. He can't be in charge of the kids if drinking.

But... bereavement can do a lot of strange things, his mum has recently died (if late 2024? not late 2023?) so rushing to a divorce seems a bit much.

Can you try to talk to him, assuming all was well before his mum died?

He says I've broken his trust by speaking to two of his best friends about this. Did you do this? It would be a breach of trust I think, if his drinking is a very new thing related to grief.

Handy when the trash takes itself out - good riddance . Now you can work on sorting alternatives child care and getting your life on track

If he was OK before his mum died, you basically tell him that you know he is grieving but he needs to deal with it by counselling or medication and that you will support him doing that but that while you love him, you aren't prepared to watch him destroy himself and endanger your children.

Emailing his solicitor while upsetting, might actually be a turning point. He might actually wise up when sober and realise what's at risk.

See if you can take annual leave from work and get someone else to cover the trip.

I am really sorry you are going through this, but your children do not decide. You might want to give leaving a go again fully confident that you are doing the right thing in refusing to give your kids a choice, just like they don't get to continue playing in the park in a storm no matter how much they scream, and that's the only mindset you need to get them in the car.

They are 5 and 7 and are in danger alone with their father who, in the state he has shown you he gets into while " keeping them safe" wouldn't be allowed to drive a car let alone look after your babies!

And you can't go away and leave them with him. You simply can't. At this point, with the evidence you already have, you would be failing to protect your children.

Just get up and go and work your life out after. Your babies need you to. And I say that, qualified with both professional and life experience to know how hard that will be, but easier than the questions you may face from authorities now or your adult kids in the future if you don't and continue leaving them in his care.

Does he work? He seems to be in charge of the children a lot. But anyway even if he does work his absence rate will climb and lord knows where that ends.

If you love each other to death he will get help. But he is deflecting and is going for a divorce. That might be a knee jerk reaction today, but it may not. If things are rocky anyway, then let him go.

How do YOU feel about him leaving and divorcing you? Staying together will depend on his willingness to detox and go to rehab/AA IMO. And it will depend on your willingness to support him in this. Are you?

Sad situation.

He's blaming you but I hope you know none of this is your fault.

I'm sorry OP but unless he's prepared to admit the real issue it sounds like him leaving is a positive step. Get advice on who to tell so that you can safeguard the children, he clearly can't be left alone with them

As someone who has experienced a close family member’s alcoholism, I can tell you you’re completely wasting your time with him whilst he isn’t admitting to a problem. You must not leave your children with him, he will be drunk the whole time. Take your children and run, they don’t get to choose.