This isn't okay is it?

The kids can’t refuse to go to your parents with you. Sounds like such a shit situation for you. What’s happening with him? Sounds like he needs a GP appt asap.

I think it’s separating out the issues.

This is not being a bit pissed while looking after your kids, which most parents have probably done from time to time, e.g., when they come home after a night out and relieve whoever’s babysitting their sleeping kids. Or having a few too many drinks during a barbecue in the garden. It’s a risk, but a calculated one if you’re the sort of person who can remain sensible, alert and functioning when over the limit - and obvs don’t drive.

This is someone with an apparently quite serious alcohol problem. Who’s pissed at 11:30 in the morning. And who’s fast asleep, while relatively young kids are unsupervised. Then downplays your obvious distress at discovering that. He hasn’t let you know. He’s tried to hide it. He’s minimising what he’s done. Therefore, he’s not to be trusted.

Don’t leave the kids with him until you’re certain he’s clean. For the work trip, could a family member come to stay at your home, so the kids can be at home with their dad but with someone else there? Could you cancel the work trip given your DH’s condition has just been discovered and this likely affected your kids and thrown childcare arrangements into disarray?

An alcoholic will agree to anything—say anything—to avoid responsibility and avoid drinking. Heir goal is to drink. Everything else is a lie. He is leaving because the situation with the children and his friends has made the whole thing public. Now its public you are going to demand more than lip service and he can’t accept that.

Yeah that's unacceptable

Sorry op 💐 hope you get things sorted out

You are doing all the right things OP
THERE IS NOR REASONING WHATSOEVER WITH AN ALCOHOLIC IN DENIAL AND UNWILLING TO SEEK HELP.

I went through this shit with my brother over 30 years ago, obviously way way less of a problem than your situation and I'm still traumatised by drunkenness even now. Thankfully he has stayed sober, but they've got to reach rock bottom first and see it for themselves. Nothing will work until they do. Your DC don't need to see that. Stay strong and determined and it's great your family are rallying round to support you. I wish you the best of luck

Its rarely possible to keep life normal for your children when you're living with an alcoholic. The 'daddy's just tired' lies and the 'isn't this fun at Grandma's' charade rarely fools them. They know things arent normal, that daddy's being weird, and that you're pretending.
Certainly they get wise when you invariably do it on the regular, because you're deluding yourself that 'its just a bad time', and that with a little more empathy from you, and a little more of your support, you can fix it.
A row and a forced trip to grandmas isnt fun, but its whip the plaster off quick compared to the long slow pain of living with an alcoholic parent who cant even be trusted to stay sober to care for you.

You're not unreasonable. Don't let him convince you that you are. It's sheer dumb luck that those children are fine. He needs to realise that. None of this is on you.

I mean, in the sense that what if something had happened when he was out cold. I'd feel such rage tbh.

He's admitting he has a problem but then not saying he'll go to counselling/seek help and then he is saying you are being OTT and the children were fine?

He has a very serious problem and isn't admitting it. This isn't on you. Please believe that. You can go gently, you can scream and shout at him, you can ignore him, you can do everything but nothing will work until he wants to address it.

There's nothing you can do but protect yourself and your children.

Being drunk in charge of the kids is serious- don't let him downplay it. Your children will be aware even if they can't verbalise it/pinpoint what it is.

I was that child so I'm speaking from experience. It's very unsettling.

Many people lose a parent.. There grief doesn't entail endangering their dc...
My dh was an alcoholic.

One day he endangered our lives.. I filed for divorce the next day..
Been an ex for 25 years...

I'm so sorry your in this situation.

As other have said, you need to make sure that you safeguard your children otherwise SS could get involved and say your not a protective factor. Then you will be forced to prove you can keep them safe.

Therefore he must not have them by himself. You must tell the school and make them aware. They can report SS or you can.

Ask him to see his GP. His best friends can help him, if he wants help.

It's OK to grieve for your family life that you had/want but it will never be the same again unless he gets help, it will only get worse. Going to bed drunk at 11.30 when your looking after young kids is not normal, even if your grieving.

Absolutely terrible advice

If you're someone with a problematic relationship with alcohol and you're confronted with the stark reality of the impact of your drinking, you face a choice:

On the one hand, you can admit that the shitshow that your life has become is a direct result of your drinking. Once you reach that point the inescapable conclusion is that you've got to stop drinking.

Or, you can blame someone else. You can blame your upbringing. You can blame society. You can blame stress. You can blame those closest to you for not being "supportive" enough (which, after decades of dealing with multiple alcoholics in my life, seems to essentially boil down to "letting you get away with getting pissed whenever/wherever you want and cleaning/covering up for it"). Because, that way, you get to absolve yourself of the consequences of your own decisions and so justify your continued drinking.

If you're an alcoholic then any situation that looks like it might not enable you to continue drinking whenever you want is unbearable. The base chemical addiction can't stand that thought. So you'll abandon anything and everything that does not allow you to continue drinking.

I'm really sorry. I've been there and I've faced the realisation that the person you love is implicitly or explicitly choosing to pursue their opportunity to continue drinking over maintaining their relationship with you. You and I can look at someone with an alcohol problem and see that their life would be immeasurably better if they simply stopped drinking. But they don't see it that way. They don't have to. You have neither the legal nor moral right to insist that someone else lives their life the way they think they should.

But what's important to understand is that he's not choosing alcohol over you. He's choosing alcohol over his own best interests. His drink problems are nothing to do with you. You didn't cause his alcohol problem, you can't control his alcohol problem, and you can't cure his alcohol problem. The only person that is able to decide to turn his life around is him. He will only decide to do that if and when he realises that how much he's already lost due to drinking plus how much he thinks he could go on to lose due to his drinking outweighs the bone-deep fear of what he sees his life as being like sober. That's a choice that only he can make.

When I was in the position that you're in I found counselling very helpful. I also gained support from Al-Anon, the friends-and-family offshoot from Alcoholics Anonymous.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Him blaming you and twisting it so you have hurt him/embarrassed him is a classic alcoholic/alcohol dependent persons tactic.
People who have a problem with drink often don't want to admit they have a problem and everything will be minimised. They have to decide for themselves that they want/need to stop drinking.
You can't control them but can control yourself and what your family needs. While your children may find it hard it is in their best interests. There are support groups out there for family of alcoholics.
I'd be worried by the twisting and minimising as it tells me he's not in a place where he wants to stop drinking.
You have to look after yourself and your children. There will be lots of people on here who can support you and point you to places for help.
Just know none of this is your fault, no matter what he says to you x

He's lashing out. Alcoholics do when confronted. You're looking after your children who need you to protect them. Don't doubt yourself on this. He's probably grieving - it comes in waves. But this is not OK. Take care.

Op you haven't done anything wrong. He's still in denial as to just how serious this is. He's not ready to address it the way he needs to. He's not ready to do the hard work of understanding why he's drinking and that he has the power to change that. He's projecting that onto you so he doesn't need to be accountable because right now he doesn't want to be. There's reasons why he's acting this way but it doesn't actually change the fact that this isn't livable for you and the kids. He cannot be in sole charge of them because he cannot control his alcohol intake while he's caring for them. I think you need to keep him out of the house, I would speak to the kids school and social services because you need them to be prepared to back you up if he is going to have unsupervised contact/ joint custody and also if he ever rocked up to the kids school under the influence. If you've sought out the help you'll be seen as responsible and protective. They can also put support in place for you and the children given that this is difficult and upsetting, the kids will need help to understand what's happening in the right way for their ages, and his subsequent nasty behaviour could turn abusive.

I'd be explaining to your kids that daddy is having a hard time controlling how he uses alcohol and it means that he's not able to be the daddy he needs to be until he gets better. That you and he still love them all very much, this is nothing to do with them and they can still see their daddy in a way that keeps them safe. I'd be thinking of an appropriate adult who can facilitate supervised contact who you can trust in the meantime.

He is doing everything drunk. He is an alcoholic. They are selfish.

op, find other childcare and take this as a blessing. He will ruin your children’s childhoods if he stayed .

Thank God he's left. Don't doubt yourself - he absolutely can't be trusted now until he takes meaningful steps.

I hope you've got some support from friends and family my lovely. Please don't doubt yourself - alcoholics often lash out and say the most hurtful untrue things to deflect blame. You sound like a loving supportive wife and mum. You have done nothing wrong 💐

If you're to blame for everything then he doesn't have to take any responsibility does he? He doesn't need to look at himself or his own behaviour.

Until he starts taking responsibility you've got no chance of getting anywhere unfortunately. I'd also expect him to lie and deny like it's going out of fashion because those are also things that people with an alcohol problem do. Right now you can't trust him and he needs to be away from you and the kids and only see them when supervised.

That’s absolutely shocking. Anything could’ve happened to your kids while he was sleeping off the alcohol. You’re not overreacting at all.

Regarding his mum dying, that’s fair enough that he might be struggling, and alcohol is an obvious go-to for many people. The crux though, is that he doesn’t seem to be doing anything to help himself (counselling, GP visit, speaking to you about his issues etc) even though he knows the risks he’s taking by drinking when alone with two small kids.

I’d cancel the work trip. Be totally upfront with your boss, they’ll understand. This isn’t your own doing.

I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but I think the risk he’s taken would be unforgivable for me. So many things might have happened. One of the kids wandering out the house, choking, a bad fall, a fire. Anything.

It doesn't have to be the end of everything.

Hopefully, in time, he will come to see that his actions could have had appalling consequences for his children. Right now, though, he is grieving his mum and he is in denial and it's easier to blame you than take responsibility himself.

But that may change. It might not ever be the same again, but then neither will he be.

In the meantime, know that you have put the safety of your children first, that was the most important thing you could have done. It was also OK to talk to your friends, this isn't a situation you can navigate and cope with on your own.

Talk to work tomorrow, explain the situation and see if you can delay the work trip.

Your children are 5 and 7. They don't get to refuse to come with you.

Yes this!

No that's not okay. He should not be drinking when he's looking after small children. He's an alcoholic and not a safe parent at all.

He is deflecting because he knows he has a problem and he knows he was in the wrong for being drunk in charge of your children.

The fact he can't admit that (to anyone but the inner recesses of his soul - hence the deflection) is on a parallel with how he is dealing with the death of his mum (using distraction and deflection).

He is lashing out at you because he's hurting with unresolved bereavement.