This isn't okay is it?

Do not doubt yourself. You have done absolutely the right thing thing.
The kids were off sick, so needed his care, yet he got drunk and went to bed?
Good job you came home when you did!
That's the second time you're aware of, how many more times has he done it?
Sending hugs.

Your children have to be kept safe, nothing gets in the way of that.

If he wants to stop drinking his friends need to know so they can not undermine progress.

Your children can not see him alone, it's too dangerous - so you need to try and get an admission from him by text or email or recording him on your phone so a judge does not allow unsupervised contact.

You're obviously sympathetic to your DH but you're correct (of course!) to prioritise your children's safety. Your DH needs to go to AA and get counselling. You're doing all the right things, OP. All this 'you need to speak to me how I tell to speak to me or you're the problem' and threatening divorce from your DH is just him putting up a wall against sorting out his drinking problem. Unacceptable. Stay strong, OP.

This is wise. Tell him, he is welcome to divorce. But either way he needs to sort out his drinking otherwise you will report him to social services and he will only be allowed supervised visits. It’s a safety issue.

Sorry to hear you are in this situation.

Your children as you know are not safe with him. Stay strong.

Don’t doubt yourself you are doing the right thing and protecting your children.

He is just giving you lip service saying he knows he has a problem but he’s not willing to do anything about it and address it.

You did not break his trust talking to his friends. It’s totally understandable that you would want to raise concerns and see if they can support getting through to him.

I’ve been here and my child got put at serious risk through neglect from his alcoholic father. You need to protect yourself and your kids.

Keep notes of everything that’s happened. I would also recommend speaking to social services and letting them know what has happened and that he is currently not in the family home and not having unsupervised access to the kids. This will protect you and show that you are taking all the right steps to keep your children safe.

I would also get advice from a family solicitor in case things go to court. I refused contact because I felt my ex wasn’t safe to have the children, we went to court and the court agreed. He had to have professionally supervised contact with regular alcohol testing and that was the motivation he needed to get help with his drinking and sort himself out. I’ll never fully trust him but he now sees our child regularly and has a good relationship with him.

Hang in there, things can get better and this is not your fault. He is in the grip of bereavement and addiction so not thinking straight. You cannot save him from this until he’s ready to be honest and accept help but you can save yourself.

Regardless of whether you get a divorce, you need to insist that your husband goes to AA. If he will not then involve SS.

It is never okay for a drunkard to be looking after children.
Once separated, your ex will need to have supervised visitation. Social Services can offer helpful solutions.

A lone child carer should not drink alcohol.
Someone in any house with a child should always be under the legal alcohol limit for driving.

Losing his DM later last year is pretty recent and would still be raw.

If he's mentioned being burnt out, the death clearly tipped him over.

Grief does vary from person to person, but a lot go for lashing out & self sabotage without realising the effect on those close to them.

He's clearly in pain and he wasn't going to take finding out you've spoken to his friends well. That would feel like a betrayal.

He has to take responsibility for his actions, but being married means supporting each other through thick and thin.
You certainly can't fix it without him choosing to change though.

It's either he goes for counselling or leaves, no point involving friends who aren't trained to deal with alcoholics.

If he's starting to see the problem and gets help, you can overcome it.

I have a friend who dealt with similar early in her marriage and they're still going strong after 18yrs.

The drinking has always been an issue

Of course he's grieving his Mum, but I think he's also using this as an excuse to drink. Alcoholics do that all the time.

You have acted absolutely correctly OP, especially not keeping it secret. You are doing all the right things for your DC.

I’m sorry for what he’s been through but he sounds like a wanker. He shouldn’t be annoyed at you for being angry!!! He should be mortified and seeking all the support he can get - GP, counselling, everything. You could have lost your children over this twat.

Well done you for being so strong. He's trying to turn everything back to onto you, as it's easier to blame you than accept his issue with alcohol combined with grief.
You are absolutely right to speak to others and not enable his drinking, particularly regarding being in sole care of your children.
Have you also alerted your work about the home situation?
I lived with an alcoholic (no children) who was in denial.... It's miserable.
Good luck

@halloweenqueen1919 this is so bad. You're lucky the kids were alright because anything could have happened. Don't let him twist the narrative. Nobody should be watching kids when drunk. The fact that he was drunk at 11:30 when alone with kids shows that he's really addicted and needs help. But he needs to not be around his kids before he's got this sorted. So sorry OP. Thank you for being a good mum protecting your children !

As someone who grew up in the home of an alcoholic parent I can honestly tell you him leaving so soon is absolutely the best outcome here. Your children deserve much better than him, not just because he left them unsupervised but because of the rows, the lies, the tears and the desperation they will be exposed to he comes back. I know you love your husband, but he has changed and he isn't the person he once was, the sooner you face that and look into ensuring this separation remains permanent the better.

I hate that he is making himself the victim here and blaming you. That is not on at all.

I lost my mum and it was horrific. I don’t doubt his pain at all however, what he is doing is going to cause you and your children a huge amount of pain. I work with the age of your children, they see, hear and know a great deal more than people think. They’ll also prob tell their teachers things too so seeking support from the school is wise before they come to you.

You are not to blame. Know and hold onto this. People with addictions will do anything to put the blame into others.

Listen you've done the right thing. I work in safeguarding of children and this is what is best for them. It is damaging seeing their dad in this way. By you doing what you've done is showing them that this behaviour is not ok. I would inform their school, they will be able to offee pastoral support for them. They may call children's services but don't worry all they would do is step in as support. They would not be judging you. They would also support you and ensure that dad is not left alone with children as tbh he is a danger to them in his current state.

He will minimise because he's an alcoholic so be aware of that but again you've done nothing wrong.

When he asks for you to be calm and explain things gently to him point out that he is an adult! His number 1 job is to keep his children safe. It doesn't matter how depressed he is children should always come first.

School safeguarding lead here. Drinking to excess whilst in sole charge of children is a form of neglect. It is well documented that the children of alcohol dependent parents experience emotional harm that can impact them into adulthood if the situation is allowed to continue. You cannot change what has already happened, but your children are still young and you have an opportunity now to act protectively to prevent lasting trauma.

Your DH cannot be left alone with the DC again until he has shown that he is willing to access support for his drinking and maintain sobriety for a sustained period of time. You have a right to prevent him from having contact with the children if you have any reason to believe he is still drinking to excess.

As you point out, your DH's drinking has always been a problem so the loss of his DM is no excuse for his behaviour. Losing a parent is extremely destabilising but it is not excuse for neglecting your children and placing them at risk of harm. I know you have said that you love him so this is very difficult, but you have to put your children first.

His behaviour is inexcusable. Yes they were fine, this time! What if there was a fire or one of them had an accident? Turned on the hot tap or the cooker? Tipped something heavy over onto themselves? Fell and bumped their head? Anything could happen while they’re left alone and he’s fast asleep upstairs, they are 5 and 7, not teenagers. Also, I don’t get the kids “refusing to leave” just tell them to get in the car, carry them if you have to. Again, they aren’t teenagers.

A divorce from this man will end up being the very best thing that has ever happened to you ( my exhusband was a drunk too. We had children aged 3 and 2).

You are not wrong. He may be grieving but that's not an excuse for failing to care for his children. I would stick to your guns until he has accepted his problems and accessed counselling/gp/alcohol services he's not safe to be around your kids. He needs a wake up call.