This isn't okay is it?

I carried on and read the thread and OPs updates. I see that drinking has always been a problem with her DH. Yes, he needs Al Anon and counselling but OP definitely doesn’t need DH. Addictions wreck families. Look after yourself and your children, OP. He can look after, or ruin, himself. Best wishes 🌺

I started to read this thread and was surprised that I had to scroll down so far before someone mentioned bereavement counselling. It was the first thing I thought about.

OPs DH is an idiot and irresponsible and I agree 100% that he is wrong to drink in charge of children but if the drinking only started after the death of his mother he definitely needs help. by that, I mean help to move on and behave responsibly with his family.

Tbh my sympathy is somewhat limited for someone reacting to bereavement (of a parent or older relative) in this way. I have seen it in my own extended family; the protracted ‘all about me’ histrionics’ while others are trying hard to cope and do their best.
OP and her children need him to seek help.

Having a drink when kids are in bed asleep? Pretty relaxed about that.
Getting smashed in the middle of the day and passing out when kids are awake? Pretty terrible.

I cannot believe how manipulative he is being by getting his friends to contact you. Booze has been a problem before, he regularly threatens to divorce you, hmmmm he sounds like a bit of a shit to me, bereavement or not.

What will your parents do if he turns up demanding to have the kids?

I lost my DM suddenly, 19 years ago, I was 36, we had our 2 DS ( age 6 and 3 ).
I was absolutely broken, still am but I carried on, I didn't turn to drink.
I thought of how wonderful my DM was, I’m the youngest of 6, we had a great childhood, my DM lost her parents and she carried on.
When you’re a parent you find something within yourself to “survive” grief, I talked to my DS when I was overcome with missing her, they missed her too
They have happy memories of her.
None of this is your fault, its his choice to turn to drink, he has to deal with the reality of making that choice.

This

He’s using the divorce to manipulate you ignore him your dc are your main priority people lose relatives daily some turn to drink or drugs, others get on with it but being so drunk you have to sleep it off with dc in the house is neglect they could have had an accident or fire and he’s in bed totally oblivious of course grief is hard but he’s need to be sober to be a good parent no matter what he is going through.

Get other cover for the kids while you are away. Your DH definitely needs help. Can you persuade him to talk to someone about his addiction. He needs to accept this is serious and needs addressing.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Don’t second guess yourself. You are right that his drinking has escalated. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It’s normal for an alcoholic to be in denial, minimise the problem and blame someone else (you in this case) for a crisis. The situation with safety/risk will only get worse and you will become effectively a single parent with a drunk in the house for you and your children to see and tolerate. Don’t worry about relying on his income. For as long as he is working, he will have to pay maintenance and, due to your own work being part-time, you may be eligible for some benefits. Also, when he is not with you, you will have peace of mind.

I speak as a woman who threw her alcoholic husband out 6 years ago. Thankfully, once he realised that I meant it and he was no longer in the relationship, that was his rock bottom (it isn’t always living on the street). No one was more amazed than me when he himself organised to go into rehab. I took him back then, but he knew where my line was. He has now been sober for 6 years, with the exception of a brief lapse last year. I’m not saying yours will do this, but he certainly won’t while he can be his his family and continue in denial.

Is there no one else to take care of the children? Otherwise you will have to cancel the work trip. Al Anon will help. Your husband would be better going to AA than a counsellor but he can’t be persuaded into it. He has left so he can continue his drinking.

It’s not enough to just tell him you aren’t happy. If you are aware of the problem and still leave him in charge, should something go wrong, you will be seen as being aware he wasn’t fit.

Cancel the trip or ask your parents to have the kids. When you come back, he has to change. Or he leaves .

Wow. He sounds worse by the minute.

@halloweenqueen1919 He makes you think you can't do it without him. But, you can! You have let him control you and damage your self-esteem. Yes, you might have to get a different job or work full-time, but I am betting you would be eligible for help from the government and that would help AND keep your children safe.

You do not need to "talk to him gently". That's a control tactic people use when they are afraid someone is getting wise to their games.
Everyone gets burn out, and it's not an excuse to get drunk on your ass and leave your children uncared-for.
He has had a drinking problem for a long time, so I doubt his excuses of grief and burn-out are the root of his problem. Sounds like he always has an excuse.

You sound like a wonderful mom and wife. He does not sound like a good father or a good husband, or barely decent.

Your children need to be your first priority and if you cannot be certain they can be safe with their father, then you need to step-up, protect them and stop protecting him or letting him control you.

You can do this, OP. He's a controlling drunk. You and your children deserve better. Show him that you know that. Good luck.

Tell him you're delighted he's initiated a divorce. He's a total wasteman. Also he sounds abusive by trying to control you and sabotaging your career. Change the locks. Give him his precious divorce. But make it plain it's because of his behaviour as you've done nothing wrong.

Oh dear. My heart is breaking for you. This has to be so hard to deal with.

I speak to you as someone who’s drinking was becoming a problem. He seems to be using alcohol to numb his grief, may have used it before to deal with problems. It’s awful.

However, it is not your responsibility to fix him. The safety of your children is. Sounds like he is making excuses to keep drinking. You could be the most supportive partner in the universe, and he would still make the excuse. Because, when someone is in the throes of addiction, the thing that matters most is the drug - whether that’s alcohol or others. He know you see the problem. I would be willing to bet that’s why he’s leaving - because he can’t continue to live with you and keep drinking.

Please don’t doubt yourself. He may not choose to get drunk, but he chooses to open the bottle. And he knows that when he does he may not be able to stop.

Sending you a hug.

I feel so sorry about your situation OP. Honestly, you're getting some really good advice. You need to keep your children away from this alcoholic man. He's fighting dirty because he feels cornered and can't be without his 'fix' and he still thinks you're going to back down. I think you know that for your children's sake, you need to take up his offer of a divorce. Solicitor, and AA advice.

Yeah, the fact he keeps threatening with divorce to keep you in your box is so beyond manipulative it’s abusive. Call his bluff. You’ll figure things out and be fine, but I’ll bet he would back down mighty quick.

Go through with the divorce. He sounds truly awful

Jesus OP, this isn’t just about his mothers death and his drinking.

He’s a controlling bitch.

His only defence is attack so please don't think you have done anything wrong at all.
I lost my Mum last year and while I have to say DH was a bit useless it didn't turn me into an acloholic who endangered my DC.
Its Ok to be angry and hate his behaviour and while I appreciate you may not want to escalate things if he endangers the DC again you could consider reporting to SS as it may help keep them safe in the future

Him threatening to divorce me is not new. It's happened on a few occasions when things don't go his way. And he knows inputs me back in my box because we are entirely reliant on his income.

You would get by, OP. The most important thing is to keep your children safe.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. But you have absolutely done the right thing. If you had minimised it or ignored and something terrible happened to your children you would have never forgiven yourself and from a child safeguarding point of view you would have been complicit. So bear that in mind when you are making future decisions about his role in the family.

You can't control his emotions, his behaviour or his addiction, but you can remove yourself and the children from him and protect them.