Is it menopause or motherhood that has turned me into somebody I don’t recognise and am not sure I like?

It's sleep, probably. Any other reason you think you are peri? You might have a way to go yet before meno but your hormones might still be disrupted from motherhood.

Oestrogen patches make me nice again 😁

Don’t judge yourself op - you are in the trenches stage of parenting and menopause is a bastard to many of us. Combine the two and it’s rough as fuck. Menopause causes anxiety and stress over utter nonsense. I remember when I started menopause, the fact that my mum switched a light off in my house gave me a flash of heat and panic. And I was only looking at something unimportant as she did it. The panic is involuntary. Just try to push through, if you can pay for help then do so.

young children can be exhausting and can suck every drop of energy out of you even when you’re otherwise in good health. Add in meno and, as a pp said, it’s a perfect storm.

firstly, you don’t have to be a perfect mum. Good enough is ok and what most of us manage day to day, with the odd absolutely crap parenting day thrown in. You have to learn to be kind to yourself and forgive yourself those moments you want to kill them. You left the room and didn’t blow - sounds like great parenting to me. Sorry is your greatest tool - if you fuck up, explain that to the kids and say sorry. Fabulous modelling there.

sleep - kids kill this, peri/meno kills it even more. Lack of sleep makes everything so much harder. The cats will go soon so don’t lose hope yet. Try to go to bed earlier too. I now go at 10 ish, often before my teens, and my god I wish I’d learned to do this sooner in life. What you might gain in an evening you may lose the next day in sanity.

meno - if you genuinely are peri (though toddler/preschooler stage can also cause sleeplessness, brain fog and inexplicable rage, it doesn’t cause sweats, flushes etc) then go to GP and talk HRT. I was early, peri symptoms started around 40, by which time my kids were in school and at a slightly less blood suckingly needy age. HRT saved me, and I really mean that.

The cats will go soon, try to get more sleep, drop your standards, and be kinder to yourself. Good luck op, you are doing just fine.

Haven’t read the full thread but I think you might be me, right down to the age you had both babies and the number of days you work. It’s gruelling. I’m about 10 years down the line from you now, and it gets so much easier. I’m still effing exhausted, but get more time to myself.

It’s a perfectly valid question.

I think it's a bit relentless at the stage your kids are at. Be really kind to yourself and try and build in some breaks and things that you find restorative away from the kids.
Mine are a bit older now and I enjoy it so much more than back then.
If you still feel bad try the HRT.

Wowzers. The things people will say from behind a keyboard...

Thanks for this thread - it's prompted me to consider the same question. I am in a similar position and was putting it down to exhaustion, but my own mother had a very rough and early-ish menopause, so I'm wondering if I might be heading the same way. I'm going to talk to the GP about HRT, I think.

One good thing about having children later is the maturity - I don't know about you, but I wouldn't necessarily have had the self-awareness to step out of the room when I could feel myself being pushed to my limit in my 20s. So it's not all bad! You sound like someone who makes real effort to be a good parent, even when (especially when) it's hard.

You need a break.

That's it. Then regular ones after that.

Do you have family?

Lose the cats
consider HRT
buy more help, if you can (childcare , cleaning)

those are horrible stages and ages - can you work more hours as a break and to earn more? Good luck

I have children exactly the same ages as yours and it is so hard and exhausting. Only commenting to say you aren’t alone.

52 here with a 7 year old. I adore the very bones of her but sometimes it is TOUGH - and I think a lot of that is physical. I just don’t have as much energy as I did when I was 20 or 30. What I do have, though, is a ton more life experience which I think means I’m a better mother than I would have been when I was younger. I’ve recently decided to try and get in better shape physically, because I think that will help with my resilience. Peri kicks your butt and removes many layers of tolerance (well, it did for me!), having young children also kicks your butt and can be gruelling at times. Love sees you through though - and you sound very self aware which helps too. I don’t have any advice, but sending lots of solidarity to you.

That should say I'm a big supporter of women having a baby at a time that is right for them.

I am a big supporter of women having a baby that is right for them and there are advantages and disadvantages of having babies at all sorts of ages. I had my first in my 20s and I think one advantage of having them young is the adaptability of young people. I hadn't known my adult life to be much different and I think I adapted much more easily than I would if I had my first now in my 40s when I'm much more stuck in my ways. That's not to say I think it's "better" to have babies in your 20s - I just didn't have a lifetime of adulthood behind me living a certain way. Having kids is a monumental life change so be kind to yourself.

Peri kicked in for me at 43. Like @Ferryweather says, menopause is a game changer. It is hard enough with teenagers in the mix - let alone small children. You have my sympathy. It is a difficult stage without the hormonal stuff to deal with too.

Definitely go to your GP and be prepared to fight for some HRT. Take a multivitamin, VitD, VitB12 and Magnesium supplements. Get some fresh air every day. Choose your battles. Give yourself a break, reduce the pressure on yourself where you can, safely. The fact you are ringing your own alarm bell here is positive. Look after yourself - it is a bumpy time of life but all will be well.

Im 39 with 3 children aged 4, 2 and 1. It is so hard, and I find it so difficult to see the wood for the trees, I felt like I lost myself but one that that has helped me is making some time for myself and for the first time in my life I enjoy exercise. Perhaps this isn't your interest but carving out some time just for myself is the one thing that has helped me and, if you can, try to do the same.
And although it's soooo hard having 3 young children they are great company for each other and that thought always gets me through. youve gi en your 4 ywar old a sibling and that is such a lovely thing. Be kind to yourself, toddlers are hard work. Xx

Jog on

I'm 43 with a 3 year old and this thread really chimes. How do I make the Dr give me hrt when they never listen to me?

No answers, just sending solidarity! 44 with a 3 year old, working 4 days in a high stress role. I am knackered ALL THE TIME, and feel ancient - creaky and weak - so I’m going to try to get on the HRT as I’m sure I shouldn’t feel this bloody old at 44, even with the 3 year old wearing me out!

My 3 year old has recently come out the other side (mostly) of a really difficult stage of hitting and throwing things, and there were several occasions when I really struggled to keep a lid on my own rage.

Oh give over. Twatty comment.

Broken sleep, menopause and two young dc is enough to break anyone!

Why did you have a second if you don’t like motherhood?