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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My friend keeps pushing ADHD onto her child

142 replies

ow26x · 27/02/2025 12:02

I know this may make me sound mad but I just need clarification that it’s not just me or maybe I just pick up on things easily. So last year I explained to my friend that I think my child, who was 3 at the time, now 4, might have ADHD as he shows the common symptoms. Personally I feel like he is too young to get labeled with anything but he pretty much ticks every box and his father was diagnosed at the age of 6. However, ever since I have mentioned this to my friend, every time I see her she has started mentioning how she now believes her now 5 year old has ADHD, she pushed for his nursery to keep an eye on him but they deemed no issues but now her son is in reception, she has now pushed it onto reception. Personally I don’t think her son has ADHD as nether her or his father has it, despite them both claiming to but they definitely have traits of autism between them, her son isn’t fidgety, he sits for hours on end on an iPad, which I disagree with massively & I find his hyper activity being due to being bored as the only place he goes is school and home again. Never the less, I just find it mad how she never mentioned it before until I said something about my son. Am I being crazily unreasonable to say it’s driving me mad every time I see her, it makes me not want to go around anymore. I think she may have munchausen by proxy or is simply looking for attention/more free money 🤦🏻‍♀️.

OP posts:

Original poster

ow26x · 27/02/2025 14:57

@MissDoubleU I mean what I do with my child and what I think is best for my child is ultimately down to me. Same as it is for her but when she’s making it my business every time we chat and I try explaining what I think she shuts me down. & my child is hardly teeny tiny, he’s 4 & will tell me to do one if I so much as look at him funny. Sorry if your 4 year old still acts like a baby but mine is very aware and mature.

& she may well have adhd but she won’t go & get herself checked.. so she can’t claim to have something she doesn’t know can she? Same with her child, she doesn’t know her child has adhd but she’ll tell the whole world he does, without seeking medical opinions.

& let’s be actually for fucking real. She is my friend, she knows what I think of the situation, many other friends and family members have stated the same opinion as me to her so I’ve came on here to seek advice from others that don’t know her to see what people think of the situation. So no there’s nothing to be jealous or angry 🤣

OP posts:

MissDoubleU · 27/02/2025 14:54

ow26x · 27/02/2025 14:49

@sweetpickle2 i have tried googling adhd but there’s clearly that many aspects of it, it’s confusing to understand and know what’s right and wrong. Munchausens only really has 1 meaning of action. And so I’ll say again, I didn’t know adhd was different forms, I thought there was 2 kinds but both entailed the same actions. & that’s funny cause above people have stated you don’t even need a diagnosis to get DLA so makes me wonder who actually knows what there talking about and whose ‘just used google’

Babe this is why professionals do the official diagnosing. You don’t have any real idea medically what you speak of. They don’t just go diagnosing any child. They know what to look for and how to spot it. Regardless of what age you’re diagnosed. Early intervention gives children the best chance and can stop them falling far behind or developing a comorbidity condition, serious anxiety problems, etc.

I think you need to back tf off from your friend because you so clearly resent them and seemingly refuse to acknowledge that about yourself.

hazelnutvanillalatte · 27/02/2025 14:49

You've come on here accusing your 'friend' of sticking her child on an ipad, being an attention seeker, money grabber/benefit fraudster, and possibly having MBP, then playing dumb and saying you're only seeking advice...for what? The only advice is to distance yourself from this person who is clearly not your friend.

BTW you are totally uninformed about ADHD. I have it and was only diagnosed in adulthood, when it had caused huge problems in my life, but because I'm not the stereotypical 8 year old boy bouncing off walls you would probably think I was just one of those fakers looking for all that free disability cash.

MissDoubleU · 27/02/2025 14:49

ow26x · 27/02/2025 13:07

@MantleStatue i hear what your saying, I just don’t want my child to be diagnosed at the age of 4 as I know my child would use it to his advantage and play on it all his life, if he got to the age of 8/9 & was the same then that’s different but right now he’s a young child still who is possibly bursting with energy and like most children, has ants in his pants. That doesn’t make me bad, it’s just my preference on how I raise my child.

however, she makes it my business when she brings it up in every conversation we have.

So you want to deny your child from having the basic advantage of understanding why they are who they are, and why what some people find very easy is very difficult for them… because you think your checks notes teeny tiny baby 5 year old child would use it to his advantage..?

Also, You’re having 6 hour conversations and you don’t think your friend might also be adhd?

Girl bffr. You don’t like your friend, you’re over entwined, you’re jealous and angry she’s pursuing something you wanted to gatekeep. It pulses out every word you’ve written.

Original poster

ow26x · 27/02/2025 14:49

OP posts:

Original poster

ow26x · 27/02/2025 14:45

@sunshine244 I know all about my partners adhd as he’s informed me of it and I’ve seen it. That to me is educational enough to learn how to live with HIM. He is not my son and my son shows symptoms that my partner doesn’t as he’s older and handles it himself. I’m sure if his dad was his sole carer he’d probably of had several meltdowns by now as I am the much more calmer one in the house. So no I don’t think dad would be a better support system then me, as we do it together and agree on things before anything is pursued 🤣

OP posts:

sweetpickle2 · 27/02/2025 14:45

You can google munchausen syndrome but you can't google ADHD to find out that a) it presents differently in person to person b) a diagnosis is actually incredibly helpful to the individual and c) being diagnosed with it doesn't automatically pay your parent money?

Original poster

ow26x · 27/02/2025 14:42

@ThisFluentBiscuit ’Munchausen syndrome, is a mental health disorder in which a caregiver creates the appearance of health problems in another person – typically their child, and sometimes when an adult falsely simulates an illness or health issues’..

OP posts:

sunshine244 · 27/02/2025 14:40

Wait a minute... I forgot that part of the situation... You have been living with someone with ADHD but haven't bothered to learn about what that condition is? I give up. I hope your child's Dad can be the support they deserve.

Original poster

ow26x · 27/02/2025 14:40

@Mumofoneandone thank you for your advice & understanding 🫶🏼

OP posts:

sunshine244 · 27/02/2025 14:39

You need a lot of paperwork and proof to get DLA, but a specific diagnosis doesn't need to be part of that. In some areas assessment waiting lists are many years long. But there could be input from e.g. educational psychology, occupational therapy, play therapist etc.

A diagnosis is less important than educating yourself and learning skills and techniques to support your child. If you have a hyperactive child reading about ADHD will likely provide you with a lot of insights into how to support children like this whether or not they turn out to have the specific condition.

sweetpickle2 · 27/02/2025 14:39

Your poor friend. Your poor son!

Original poster

ow26x · 27/02/2025 14:38

@Notchangingnameagain i am definitely a safe space for her, as she is for me. Hence why i went to her in the first place with my concerns over my own child & I know adhd is hard as I have lived with a man who has it for the past 10 years. I see first hand how he struggles daily and the toll it’s taken on my family. I simply came for useful advice and how others view the situation, the situation being she’s never spoken to me before until I mentioned something and now it’s alls she goes on about.. if that makes me a bad friend for seeking advice then so be it, you mustn’t be able to have a voice in your friendships if that’s the case.

OP posts:

ThisFluentBiscuit · 27/02/2025 14:36

Munchausen by proxy is when someone makes another person become physically ill on purpose, for attention etc. This could be by putting something in their food, for example, or by giving them something they are allergic to.

It is not possible to give someone ADHD. So no, it's not Munchausen by proxy.

Mumofoneandone · 27/02/2025 14:34

I think you're being very sensible in not getting a label for your child at a young age and are just watching how he develops.
My son struggles at times and may have something but just trying to adapt parenting through reading parenting books to support him as best I can.
I'm in a slightly different camp with friends saying they think their children are possibly autistic.....but observing parenting, diet and life style think there might be other things at play.

Notchangingnameagain · 27/02/2025 14:29

ow26x · 27/02/2025 12:21

@MyGhastIsFlabbered I’m hardly being presumptuous. I just find it mad how it’s never been mentioned before until I did & ever since she’s done everything she can to push it. As if she’s in some kind of race with someone? Just the way I see it. She’s a very ‘look at me’ kind of girl, so just wanted to see if I had picked up on something.

She probably felt after you mentioned it about your own child, that you were a safe space. That she could confide in you and share your experiences together.

Managing ADHD is hard. Poor woman has sought help in the wrong place.

Crazycatlady79 · 27/02/2025 14:22

ow26x · 27/02/2025 12:45

@crankytoes scared? I don’t get what you mean by scared? And yes I know how it all works.

You clearly don't!

Crazycatlady79 · 27/02/2025 14:22

crankytoes · 27/02/2025 12:44

The child will only be entitled to DLA if they are indeed assessed as having adhd so what are you scared of?

Show quote history

Diagnosis does not equal DLA entitlement.

Original poster

ow26x · 27/02/2025 14:21

@ThighsYouCantControl it doesn’t bother me but when the conversations between us are so fixated on her child having this undiagnosed condition and anything I say to her regarding it gets shut down, it becomes draining. And so I’ve came here for advice how others outside of our family and friends see the situation. Somethings have probably come across rude but that’s the friendship we have, everything I’ve said here I’d say to her personally but finding out how others view it is helpful.

also I don’t understand why your using the term ‘gate keep’ as the last thing I’d ever actually want for my child is to have any conditions that would negatively effect his life.

OP posts:

Crazycatlady79 · 27/02/2025 14:21

ow26x · 27/02/2025 12:29

@Catlad yes that could be the case and you may be right about the awareness but for someone whose claimed to have undiagnosed adhd herself all her life, I find it mad how it’s never been mentioned before until I said something.

also, she’d be entitled to child DLA and she is the kind of girl that will take as much money as possible.

DLA is based upon need, not diagnosis. I have AuDHD twins and only one of them receives DLA.
You say she's a friend, but you're very negative about her.

Imbusytodaysorry · 27/02/2025 14:18

ow26x · 27/02/2025 12:25

@NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel I don’t think you read the whole post. What kind of person would be JEALOUS of someone pushing a disorder onto there child. It’s sickening if it’s not true. However, I am a very supportive friend and ‘auntie’ to her and her children, but to me it feels as though she wants him to have something over him actually having no anything

I think you know what his going on with your friend . After all you know her better than anyone here does .

It’s sad if she is going it for attention or /and money but your right some people do .

Changeissmall · 27/02/2025 14:17

ADHD FOMO. There’s a lot of it about.

Original poster

ow26x · 27/02/2025 14:10

@bellsend no offence taken at all, I appreciate the advice. I know I probably do come across as ignorant but that’s because I’m a straight to the point person and I don’t have any issues in having conversations with people over situations just to hear other people’s views & opinions. It’s educational. I know I do need to find out more information but as it’s never effected my life I have never felt the need to, if I had to I would put my all into finding out as much knowledge as possible & I only made the comment about ‘free money’ as it has been mentioned in conversation between us before which I found bizarre.

OP posts:

ThighsYouCantControl · 27/02/2025 14:07

When all said and done, he’s her child and not yours so if she wants to pursue a diagnosis for him that’s up to her, if she wants to make a claim on his behalf for DLA, it’s up to her. Not your business and doesn’t affect you in any way. Don’t get why you’re so bothered other than a need to gate keep ADHD and I don’t understand why you want to do that. But that’s how it seems.

CherryBlossom321 · 27/02/2025 14:06

You’re not her friend, you don’t like her.

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