My friend keeps pushing ADHD onto her child

They really won’t. I kept telling my DD’s school something wasn’t right and I was dismissed as “that”parent. Several years later she has 4x NHS diagnosis and an EHCP. SEN boards are littered with similar tales.

Maybe you should both stop psychologising your children and let them be themselves. School will tell you if there are any issues.

OP I feel sorry for your friend; I wish she knew how you really think about her. Maybe it’s your own neurodivergence that makes you fail to understand what people are saying, but this is a weird way to feel about someone you purportedly care about and support.

An opinion is something formed from knowledge and frankly you don't have that. You are not qualified. You don't have the experience, expertise or knowledge to make the statements you make. What you are stating is a called prejudice or conjecture. They aren't the same thing as an opinion at all.

Intelligent qualified people have opinions.
The wailing masses have prejudice and conjecture. You see it every day on the Daily Mail

Maybe she has munchausens after all you know her a lot better than we do.

Maybe she had concerns about her own child and that when you mentioned it about yours she felt you were a safe person to talk to?

Maybe, since you brought it up, she thinks you are happy to have conversations about something you are both going through. As you know, hyperfixating on something IS a symptom of both ADHD and ASD. I wouldn't have thought for a second she is trying to 'beat you to it'. In the kindest possible way, you need to gain some perspective. If you don't like her, then stop seeing her. If you don't want to talk about ADHD, then communicate that to her. You are having a big reaction to something quite small, perhaps have a think about that. (Not trying to be mean)

I know not the point of your message but do think through the fact you don't want to diagnose and label your child with adhd so early. I do understand that but waiting lists are hideous and if you leave it until you have an issue you may find they get considerably worse whilst you have to wait for appointments. You don't have to do anything or necessarily even tell your child but having a diagnosis in your back pocket makes it easier to get help when you need it. If you see how busy their bodies are their poor little minds are working just as hard too and it's exhausting.

Years ago, I knew a mum a bit like this when one of my children was going through the diagnosis treadmill. It was a bit like a "keeping up with the Joneses" type thing. It was bizarre, I couldn't make any sense of it.
In the end she made some racist remarks about names in the kids' reading books (knowing full well that I am mixed race - my actual name is one of the ones she was moaning about!) and then said something amazingly rude about a teacher who had been kind and helpful to me, and I snapped and said that it was probably best we didn't have play dates any more. I'd forgotten all about her until reading your post!

You don't have the monopoly on adhd. If she feels that might fit her kid, who are you to say it doesn't?

I think you should do her a favour and cut contact.

I'm glad you're not my 'friend'

Friends like you, who needs enemies?!

Why are you 'friends' with someone you clearly do not like?

Like I said before, it’s very clear you need to take a step back from this woman. Your relationship sounds toxic, you don’t need to be talking for hours every day. Do neither of you have your own hobbies or interests..?

Surely you just say “Look Susan, we’ve discussed the ADHD thing. Either seek diagnosis/treatment or don’t. There’s nothing more to say about it, we’ve talking it to death. Have you listened to the new X album/watched that movie/read something/drawn anything today?”

You do know many people actually have both..?

The resentment is screaming as soon as you talk about she’s the type to claim any “free money” she can get and suggest that’s at the root of why she wants to “push this” agenda on her perfectly neurotypical child.

Leave her to claim what she wants, if professionals come back and say she’s wrong she can deal with it as and when. Recognising her child needs additional help and advocating for it never makes someone a bad mum or “grabby” either. Maybe part of your frustration is actually that you feel guilty you aren’t advocating for your child who clearly has some issues, yes? Focus on your own child and why he’s smashing the TV and the everything else, worry less about protecting your friend from the same harmful opinions you think others might have, which you already do have.

Why do you think you have the authority to determine whether someone displays signs of autism or adhd or not?
The audacity is astounding

They can try to claim what they like but without documentation of a diagnosis they won't get far.

You said you understood how this all works.

Not very well you don't

maybe being friends for 24 years would potentially mean we are alike, however me & her claim to be polar opposites

This is likely because you are silently bitter rivals, despite being very close friends. You have been entwined so long you need your own identities and resent the idea of sharing common ground. This puts you in clear competition with each other, although maybe not consciously clear to yourselves.

My kids are teens, actually. So in relation, yes, all 4/5 year olds are bloody babies! They’re still brand new to the world. If you truly believe your child would use an accurate doctor given diagnosis to manipulate you and everyone, and therefore you should withhold said diagnosis from them, then you have bigger issues here than what your friend is doing.

Adult ADHD diagnosis on the NHS has an incredibly arduous waiting list that increases every year. In my area 4 years ago it was 2 years and now it is an expected 8 years wait for an initial appointment. It’s up to her if she wants to seek that or if she is happy with self diagnosis and figuring herself out.

You say she is happy to tell everyone her child is ADHD without seeking medical opinion, but you yourself have stated you believe your own child is and also have defended refusing your child the same medical opinion.

Is your real problem that you and your friend are just far, far too alike? Because that’s very common.

It's difficult to say that a child has a disability or not when you don't live with them. Even dh, who understands that ds1 has autism, is baffled as to why he gets PIP. A lot of disabled children are easy to look after for an hour or 2, it's the sleepless nights, endless paperwork and trying to organise fun things to do for a child in a world that is not designed for them that is the really hard bit.