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Original poster

Angry and frustrated with ex, please HELP!!!

33 replies

Tossandturn · 27/02/2025 07:09

Broke up with my partner last month, we were together for 11 months.
I am 51 he is 49.

The problem is, I had some of the most exciting times with him day in and day out, I was quite deeply in love.

Something happened, he forced my hand such that I had to end the relationship.

The only problem was that I had never ever in my whole life experienced anything even remotely close to the sexual chemistry I experienced with him.
Frankly, up until then, I hadn’t even imagined such heights were possible.

My problem now is I am finding it difficult to forget that, my body got used to him. I find myself in a state of semi arousal day in day out, I can’t help it, it’s upsetting me, and actually it’s making me angry. Why did he have to force my hand like that? Now I feel deprived, I don’t know if I’ll experience something like that ever again, yet a crave that experience daily.

Please help me sort this out and work through it, I’m really struggling, very frustrated, and I don’t even know where all this anger is coming from. I feel so totally messed up.

Talk to me, help me, advise me. TIA

OP posts:
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Original poster
Tossandturn · 02/03/2025 07:27

SpiritOfEcstasy · 28/02/2025 04:02

I hear you OP. I recently separated from my soon to be exH. We had the most amazing chemistry. Like nothing I’d ever experienced before … but for so many reason it wasn’t working and it had to end. It’s been three months and initially I couldn’t think of anything else … but I realise it’s no different to drugs. It’s compulsive, addictive and even though I knew the relationship was unhealthy for me - I wanted it anyway! I would suggest that you attend some CODA meetings - in person or online codauk.org/ because from the research I’ve been doing it wasn’t love - it was trauma bonding.

Thank you for the suggestions.

Things have eased a lot I’m glad to say, I didn’t want to become an irate grisly bear. I have been keeping busy and exhausting myself. I haven’t eaten much, and sleep not great either. I suppose that is enough to dampen the problem.

Very confusing feelings changing all the time
I don’t like him, but then again I admire him in a lot of ways
He makes me feel anxious, yet I find him irresistible
He’s quite ridiculous and bombastic, yet I find him incredibly sexy

I don’t actually want to sleep with him when I visualise that, because I don’t like him! Yet the memories would enter my mind and disturb my peace.

It’s all very bizarre. I don’t want to be a sexual being again, it’s way too disruptive.

OP posts:
LisaCharles · 28/02/2025 06:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SpiritOfEcstasy · 28/02/2025 04:02

I hear you OP. I recently separated from my soon to be exH. We had the most amazing chemistry. Like nothing I’d ever experienced before … but for so many reason it wasn’t working and it had to end. It’s been three months and initially I couldn’t think of anything else … but I realise it’s no different to drugs. It’s compulsive, addictive and even though I knew the relationship was unhealthy for me - I wanted it anyway! I would suggest that you attend some CODA meetings - in person or online codauk.org/ because from the research I’ve been doing it wasn’t love - it was trauma bonding.

Angry and frustrated with ex, please HELP!!!
Original poster
Tossandturn · 28/02/2025 03:42

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/02/2025 20:01

As it could be at least partly due to the first symptoms of atrophy of the vagina and vulval tissues, meaning you're also more likely to irritate the skin from your usual clothes, a trip to the GP for oestrogen pessaries or topical gel might calm the physical sensations down.

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I haven’t quite understood! Would you say that a different way please?

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/02/2025 20:01

Tossandturn · 27/02/2025 16:48

It’s fucking torturous, how do I turn it off??

Show quote history

As it could be at least partly due to the first symptoms of atrophy of the vagina and vulval tissues, meaning you're also more likely to irritate the skin from your usual clothes, a trip to the GP for oestrogen pessaries or topical gel might calm the physical sensations down.

MiserableMrsMopp · 27/02/2025 19:37

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/02/2025 16:43

One of the rare occasions on here where perimenopause is probably the answer, as there can be a last burst of hormones that cause this.

It'll fade.

I think this was mine. I also became quite unaccountably broody, NEVER having been broody before in my life (a pregnancy scare cured me of that!).

DylanThomasWritingShed · 27/02/2025 18:15

Tossandturn · 27/02/2025 16:44

How long did it take you to be over it?

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I’d say about 8 months. Greatly helped by my breakup playlist!

Original poster
Tossandturn · 27/02/2025 16:56

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 27/02/2025 16:44

This type of chemsity is usually only felt with toxic people who use psychologically manipulative tactics to hook you in.

They brcome like a drug and the world feels grey without them. Less intense, less colourful, less enjoyable.

Everyone else feels boring in comparison and he has almost conditioned your body into viewing him as it's source of sexual fulfillment.

You have to go into recovery and Stop entertaining thoughts about him.

I highly recommend reading some romance or erotica novels and begin fantasising about future people and begin self pleasuring.

This is exactly what has happened and why I ended it.

I’ve been semi successful in thinking of him less and less, this was helped by reminding myself constantly of how terrible he was in a number of ways.

I don’t even really like him anymore let alone love him.

My main problem is this switch which I can’t find the off button for… it’s really quite infuriating, I don’t want this. I want to be how I was before I met him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tossandturn · 27/02/2025 16:48

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/02/2025 16:43

One of the rare occasions on here where perimenopause is probably the answer, as there can be a last burst of hormones that cause this.

It'll fade.

It’s fucking torturous, how do I turn it off??

OP posts:
Original poster
Tossandturn · 27/02/2025 16:46

pinkdelight · 27/02/2025 09:58

That's what I wondered too - about the hormones. Feels more to do with what's going on inside OP than the qualities of this man IRL. Good that it's ended by the sounds of it. Being in constant arousal sounds exhausting and distracting. Best to take care of yourself in that respect and pursue more balanced partners.

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Besides, I was fine before I met him, he seems to have flipped a switch which refuses to go back to off again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tossandturn · 27/02/2025 16:45

pinkdelight · 27/02/2025 09:58

That's what I wondered too - about the hormones. Feels more to do with what's going on inside OP than the qualities of this man IRL. Good that it's ended by the sounds of it. Being in constant arousal sounds exhausting and distracting. Best to take care of yourself in that respect and pursue more balanced partners.

Show quote history

It’s really genuinely unpleasant, if I could shake it off in an instant I would jump at the chance

OP posts:
FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 27/02/2025 16:44

This type of chemsity is usually only felt with toxic people who use psychologically manipulative tactics to hook you in.

They brcome like a drug and the world feels grey without them. Less intense, less colourful, less enjoyable.

Everyone else feels boring in comparison and he has almost conditioned your body into viewing him as it's source of sexual fulfillment.

You have to go into recovery and Stop entertaining thoughts about him.

I highly recommend reading some romance or erotica novels and begin fantasising about future people and begin self pleasuring.

Original poster
Tossandturn · 27/02/2025 16:44

DylanThomasWritingShed · 27/02/2025 09:35

This happened to me at age 50 too. Great sex, some lovely days and nights out, but not a good man. I rarely ever think of him now.

Show quote history

How long did it take you to be over it?

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/02/2025 16:43

One of the rare occasions on here where perimenopause is probably the answer, as there can be a last burst of hormones that cause this.

It'll fade.

Original poster
Tossandturn · 27/02/2025 16:43

Gettingbysomehow · 27/02/2025 07:34

Can't help thinking this post sounds fake. Cheap thrill fake.

What aspect of my post led you to believe that? You don’t believe strong chemistry exists?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tossandturn · 27/02/2025 16:41

MiserableMrsMopp · 27/02/2025 07:26

Don't give in to it. I had a LTR based on chemistry like this. When the chemistry calmed down I worked out (far, far too late) what an idiot he was. The chemistry literally blocked my common sense. It makes me angry now, knowing the time I wasted on him.

What is the bloody meaning of this type of chemistry?? How can it hook you to someone so awful! Some kind of epic self sabotage?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tossandturn · 27/02/2025 16:39

lobsterkiller · 27/02/2025 07:23

Been there OP, incredible sex and good chemistry. Thing was he's a twat, a fabulous in bed twat. An empty vessel of a person who regardless of the great sex and days out was and probably still is a twat.

Once I finally realised that, I became repulsed by him. This didn't happen overnight, it took more time than he deserved. Its not nice going through it but you'll get there.

It’s taking too long already and I have NO patience with it!

OP posts:
LunaLove1 · 27/02/2025 10:00

Keep busy you’ll get over him.

pinkdelight · 27/02/2025 09:58

DustyLee123 · 27/02/2025 07:12

How old are you? It could be your hormones rather than him.

That's what I wondered too - about the hormones. Feels more to do with what's going on inside OP than the qualities of this man IRL. Good that it's ended by the sounds of it. Being in constant arousal sounds exhausting and distracting. Best to take care of yourself in that respect and pursue more balanced partners.

DylanThomasWritingShed · 27/02/2025 09:35

lobsterkiller · 27/02/2025 07:23

Been there OP, incredible sex and good chemistry. Thing was he's a twat, a fabulous in bed twat. An empty vessel of a person who regardless of the great sex and days out was and probably still is a twat.

Once I finally realised that, I became repulsed by him. This didn't happen overnight, it took more time than he deserved. Its not nice going through it but you'll get there.

This happened to me at age 50 too. Great sex, some lovely days and nights out, but not a good man. I rarely ever think of him now.

curtaintwitcher78 · 27/02/2025 09:28

Gettingbysomehow · 27/02/2025 07:34

Can't help thinking this post sounds fake. Cheap thrill fake.

Yeah it's bullshit isn't it.

FreeWave · 27/02/2025 07:37

Why do you say he forced you to end the relationship? Because you were used to him, so he left you and you were angry and frustrated. I don't understand, your words are confusing.

Gettingbysomehow · 27/02/2025 07:34

Can't help thinking this post sounds fake. Cheap thrill fake.

MiserableMrsMopp · 27/02/2025 07:26

Don't give in to it. I had a LTR based on chemistry like this. When the chemistry calmed down I worked out (far, far too late) what an idiot he was. The chemistry literally blocked my common sense. It makes me angry now, knowing the time I wasted on him.

lobsterkiller · 27/02/2025 07:23

Been there OP, incredible sex and good chemistry. Thing was he's a twat, a fabulous in bed twat. An empty vessel of a person who regardless of the great sex and days out was and probably still is a twat.

Once I finally realised that, I became repulsed by him. This didn't happen overnight, it took more time than he deserved. Its not nice going through it but you'll get there.