Invasion of privacy?

@xsquared agree completely.... The daughter shouldn't have done this. However the security must have been easy to open the computer in the first place??

That is what someone does after the event but the op was not at fault because her dd accessed her device without her consent.

The dd is old enough to understand respecting other people privacy and property.

@xsquared maybe its both??? I would be very unhappy if someone could read my personal messages.....so I would update my security so it couldn't happen again

Maybe cutting off the WiFi for a bit will get her talking? Then tell her she can have the new password when she decides to be civil, as well as telling you she understands your house rules and nothing like this will happen again.

As my DM would say "eavesdroppers never hear any good of themselves" what on earth did she expect to find ?

Silly girl, I was taught never to open other peoples post ( that is how old I am) terrible breach of privacy. Is she very immature ?

What is she going to do with this 'evidence'? Talking to your friends about your children is not a crime or a civil wrong-unless you have said something which is actually defamatory. And yes, you can give consequences, up to and including not having her in the house any more.

Agree. She'd be finding somewhere else to live.

Why are you trying to speak to her when she’s the one that has done something incredibly rude? You say you can’t give consequences to an adult - maybe it’s time for her to move out.

I cannot imagine this at all, this level of toxic behaviour, slyness, shouting about your kid behind her back and then her checking up on you. It all sounds super weird and over dramatic.

She should move out and after that if the two of you are still behaving like dickheads to one another, get some family therapy.

Do you never moan about your husband to friends either?

It's not a security issue, it's the breach of trust.

Don't be ridiculous. It's perfectly normal to discuss your children, and anything else important in your life, including sounding off or getting support for the difficult bits. That's what friends are for! It's really not ok to look at your parent's personal messages to their friends though. A huge invasion of privacy.

So many of the comments in this show you why we have so many fractious families.

Snooping through your phone was wrong, but it can't have been nice to have read awful messages about themselves.

I would say the best way to move forward is to have a frank discussion about privacy and respecting people's right to it. Also discuss the things you've said, and why you've felt the need to vent to a friend.

Then draw a line under the experience and move on.

All the suggestions for kicking a 19 year old out, or stop helping financially, or cutting off WiFi are ridiculous. They wouldn't get any housing if you did kick them out so would be homeless, and at best in emergency accommodation such as a hostel or similar. Times are different now, very few people are financially able to live out at 19 even to rent a room you can pay upwards of £600+ a month.

It's our jobs as parents to help out children to be in the best position they can be, not throw them out because they're 19 and not respecting our rules.

Defiant and difficult behaviour between 18-25 is common, ride the storm as best you can and remember that you're also not perfect.

That's terrible op! I'd be furious, and more disappointed and hurt than anything else. Is this kind of behaviour a surprise/different to how she usually is? I don't know if you have a good relationship normally, or how close you are.
Anyhow, there is no excuse for her invasive disrectful behaviour, and she has to have consequences. She doesn't get not to speak to you in your own house, causing an atmosphere.
I wouldn't be jumping to evicting her unless there is much more to the story, but I would need to have her apologise, and make it clear now the trust is broken it'll mean restrictions and increased security. Her stealing of your privacy will impact her own.

She's not talking to you?! She's the one who invaded your privacy and now she's sulking?

Jesus OP, I actually don't know if I would want her living with me if she thinks that type of behaviour is acceptable.

Angry wouldn't come near it.
Who on earth does she think she is.

Kill her access to everything, wifi, Netflixs, you name it.
Certainly none of your technology.

What? You are complain about your lack of privacy when you are sending messages about her to your friends!
I would not dream of disrespecting my children, especially adult children like this!

She's not talking to you? In YOUR own house? I wouldn't wear this !

Oh god, my DS has run me ragged at times over the years, and I have only stayed sane at times by telling friends and getting their advice and support.

You have not done anything wrong.

I would take the line that if she didn't cause the issues in the first place you would have no reason to seek support from your friends.

I used to say to my son "you chose your behaviour, I choose how I deal with it, tough if you don't like it".

Why are you trying to speak to her? She’s the one in the wrong here, I’d echo the other responses that if she doesn’t like it she can move out.

Don't bother trying to speak to her, or make the peace. She is in the wrong and should be made properly aware. Just leave her a note saying you are disappointed and disgusted with her, and any privileges you give her (financial help, food, WiFi, washing etc) should be stopped.

Change the internet password and don't supply her with it.

If she refuses to speak to you and apologise for searching through your messages, there should be no request that she leaves, there should be an order. I would print off information about how to apply for emergency housing and tell her she has to be out in a fortnight/month/whatever suits you.

With a warning that if she tries to access house mates’ computers without permission she will be evicted again.

You are allowed to say whatever you want to your own best friend.

Your dd is being ridiculous to say otherwise. Does she think she's Kim Jong Il or has she been reading 1984?

So now she has this evidence, what is planning to do with it? What was the point of it?

I'd also be fuming over the snooping too!