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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask for money from in-laws whilst their son stays?

238 replies

Lilacbluewaters · 26/02/2025 21:27

Just wondering what people’s takes on this are. We have my husbands little brother (he’s 13) stay over at our house in some of the school holidays. Purely because he just likes to be with us and he will stay for around a week. Also our nephew comes too and so when we have to fork out food for both of them (especially things like McDonald’s) it adds up!
so we usually ask for a bit of money whilst he’s here just for things like snacks/treat night when we get a McDonald’s. I usually ask for £10-£20. Not that this matters but we are a low income family and they know that, we love having him with us but I just feel it’s the principal of it that they should give at least £10 to cover some things? Aibu? His dad said no because we are family we shouldn’t ask for money but I think they should offer! I wouldn’t send my children for a week and not give any money

OP posts:
gettingthehangofsewing · 27/02/2025 07:00

I would want to say sorry we can't have him anymore as it's getting a bit expensive and we can't afford it. I'm sure they will off then.

I have older dc, if they are having ds (who's 9) overnight and not going out I don't send money (they usually just have frozen food and sweets) if the are going on a outing I cover costs. If they come to me to babysit I pay petrol/food/drinks.

Lovelysummerdays · 27/02/2025 06:08

I think the reality is that you can’t afford to host and therefore you shouldn’t. I can’t afford to feed lots of children who aren’t mine and honestly the grocery bill woul double. I think my 14yo costs at least £40-£50 a week to feed.

I do wonder what opportunities your children have missed out on as you are diverting your cash towards others. I’m not saying don’t have them. One sleepover for one day (or whatever) a month is fine.

Changeissmall · 27/02/2025 05:27

I would definitely raise it in a light hearted way. Cost of living. Wow can’t teenagers pack it away. You love having him and the others but it’s breaking the bank to do it so sadly you’ll have to rein it in a bit.
It’s £60/week to feed an adult these days.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 27/02/2025 04:06

questioneverything1 · 26/02/2025 23:07

I used to have my niece for the majority of the six weeks hols, never once crossed my mind to ask my sister for money and if she'd of offered I would of refused, if I couldn't afford to feed her, I wouldn't of had her.

They can't afford to feed him.... The parents are better off and everyone enjoys having the lad there.?

jellyfishperiwinkle · 27/02/2025 03:24

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 26/02/2025 21:57

I do think that there's a line that's been crossed though.

In a million years, I would never have regularly sent my teenager away for days and days and days to stay with my other child without offering them some money. It's just what you fucking do. I mean, you look after all your kids not just the dependant ones living at home.

Do you mumsnetters all understand what child benefit is actually for? I'll tell you what it's not for. It's not for the adults to purchase takeaway food for themselves with whilst another fucking adult on a low income regularly feeds your kid.

Edited

This, it's incredibly rude of his parents to assume you will pay for everything and treat him for days on end. The odd day here and there would be fine, but they are taking the piss.

And income is neither here nor there, my inlaws are well off and so are we, but I'd never send DDs to them for five days and not send them with any spending money or not offering to contribute to costs as it's just very very rude to assume they are ok with it!

Gogogo12345 · 27/02/2025 02:55

ValentinesGranny · 27/02/2025 00:21

DB worked away and his DW had a difficult pregnancy. I kept their DD for weeks at a time. It never crossed my mind to ask for money. I carried on having her several times a year and would buy clothes, shoes, pay for days out, etc. She's an adult now and we have a great relationship.

That's fine but it seems you could afford to. Might be different if you had to go hungry yourself to feed the child

Ilovecleaning · 27/02/2025 02:43

Sounds like the in-laws are glad to offload for a week.

TwinklyNight · 27/02/2025 02:24

YANBU to ask. Especially your sibling. If money is an issue ask the parents to send some money or groceries? I would avoid getting food from resturants if it strains the budget, and cook the food (or dh would). I do usually have hamburgers and chips on Saturdays but usually make them at home.

Minimili · 27/02/2025 02:02

miraxxx · 26/02/2025 21:43

There are very poor people in Asia and other parts of the world who'd not dream of asking for money in the circumstances outlined. I just find the cold-blooded and calculating mindset here hard to relate to.

My partner is Asian and used to stay with his sister for a few days at a time when he was a young teenager.

his sister is 10 years older then him and has a few children, some are a similar age to DP so he loved staying.

His mother used to send him with bags of food and money for treats, she wouldn’t have dreamt of sending her kids or visiting anyone herself empty handed. Kids are expensive to feed and if someone is requesting the visit then I don’t see how it’s “cold blooded and calculating” to ask for a contribution, the OP isn’t offering she’s doing a favour!
I’d say it’s more calculating to palm your kids off so you can have a break and eat takeaways without offering anything towards feeding them.

My sister constantly asked me and DP to have her kids, she would drop them off and ask for us to have them one night and it would turn into several, sometimes she’d drop the dog off too.
We were struggling for money and the kids were spoilt and constantly asking for days out, takeaways and treats, we were too embarrassed to ask for money but it was costing us a fortune, when we said no to the days out there would be tears and we’d feel guilted into it.

We finally realised we were having the piss taken out of us when we said we were busy and couldn’t have the kids, my sister put them on the phone to beg us so we said we would take them out for the day but couldn’t have them overnight. We didn’t answer our phones when the inevitable calls came requesting that we have them overnight and ignored the texts saying my sister and BIL had an emergency and we needed to have the kids, we just took them home for their dinner after we’d had them all day.

My sister and BIL were not happy when we showed up, they had ordered a huge Chinese takeaway and had a bottle of Prosecco open, there was no emergency and instead we got berated for not feeding the kids!
We went inside with them to say goodbye and my sis and BIL closed the dining room door and carried on eating and refused to say thank you or goodbye.
My Asian DP found that extremely offensive as good hospitality is a huge part of his culture and if you are eating you offer food to guests - especially guests that have been looking after your kids when you simply be arsed with them.

If we hadn’t acted in a “calculating and cold blooded way” by not feeding the kids and dropping them off then we’d have likely continued being used for childcare and spending money we couldn’t afford so that the kid’s parents could enjoy child free time. Luckily we realised at that point we were being completely taken advantage of and turned down any further requests to have the kids, it was a shame but we couldn’t afford the kids expectations anymore anyway.

I think the OP is being very kind and getting completely taken advantage off, It’s the people using her that are calculating, I’m sure most people would show gratitude and offer something to contribute towards feeding their children or offer something to say thank you.

Italiangreyhound · 27/02/2025 01:45

PS sounds like you are a great, kind hostess and the kids love being with you. But the adults are taking advantage.

Italiangreyhound · 27/02/2025 01:42

I would ask for money if I needed it and I would have to say it is unbelievably rude of them to send a kid to stay for days on end with no additional support for the people looking after him.

TappyGilmore · 27/02/2025 01:26

YANBU but it’s a bit awkward to ask isn’t it? Ideally they would just offer. Staying for one night or something then no I wouldn’t expect a contribution. Staying for a whole week, then yes there ought to be either money or food being contributed.

If it was me, certainly it would be cheap eating the whole time. There wouldn’t be any McDonald’s etc even if it does mean that your own kids are missing out. Your own kids can have that another time when you don’t have visitors.

As for comparing this to other cultures, my experience is that in most other cultures it would be expected that you turn up with a contribution. OP wouldn’t be asking because she wouldn’t need to, it would already have been freely given.

colinthedogfromaccounts · 27/02/2025 01:13

miraxxx · 26/02/2025 21:43

There are very poor people in Asia and other parts of the world who'd not dream of asking for money in the circumstances outlined. I just find the cold-blooded and calculating mindset here hard to relate to.

She asking for a tenner, not murdering people. 😂😂😂

Isittimeformynapyet · 27/02/2025 01:12

healthybychristmas · 26/02/2025 23:24

There's a difference between not being highness and actually being low earner. It's very difficult for BP to manage financially so yes of course his parents should handover some money for his stay. They're already getting time off!

What do you mean by "highness" and who is BP?

caringcarer · 27/02/2025 01:09

I would never ask for money for having relatives to stay. In-laws should be giving teen pocket money and he should treat himself to McDonalds out of that but just do home cooking and no expensive takeaways.

Tourmalines · 27/02/2025 01:05

I think they are cheeky and should be offering you some cash when he stays over because it’s a regular occurrence. Even if there’s no takeaway snacks and goodies all add up . A one off is completely different.

suburberphobe · 27/02/2025 00:48

Ask them to send shopping instead or you can't have him. Exactly.

And then I read on and it's 4 kids too?!

Honestly woman, find your voice and your backbone. They're walking all over you.

And you will get burnt out. Depleting your own resources, even for yourself.

Don't be a martyr!

Original poster
Lilacbluewaters · 27/02/2025 00:41

SALaw · 26/02/2025 23:45

You must have a massive house to have all these people staying plus your own 3 kids.

No, we have a 3 bed. But kids loving sharing when they have sleepovers!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilacbluewaters · 27/02/2025 00:40

awana1 · 26/02/2025 23:42

You do know you don't need to have trashy fast food, cook a home cooked meal, it will cost less n go further

Trashy fast food 😂😅 I have done home cooked meals so far but this Friday I had planned a treat for my kids, doesn’t harm

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilacbluewaters · 27/02/2025 00:39

Clearingaspace · 26/02/2025 23:29

If my bil was staying with me regularly for a week or so and I was feeding him all week I would expect him to contribute to the cost of a takeaway -,actually if the favour wasn’t being reciprocated I would expect my bil to pay for the full takeaway to say thanks. As he is 13 it falls on his parents to contribute to the cost of the takeaway and why wouldn’t they also want to treat their children and grandchildren at the same time as a thanks for the free childcare and savings on feeding a teen for a week. The in-laws are not being reasonable and taking advantage. It’s not an occasional sleepover for a night or so.

Show quote history

Obviously not the child pay. It was actually his birthday and he has birthday money. His dad said use that and we said absolutely not!
it would be totally different if he was an adult coming to visit. Firstly, I doubt he would stay for a week and if we got food out he as an adult would most likely pay himself. My brother comes a few times a year and he pays for his own food when we are with him and he’s an adult

OP posts:
Mama2many73 · 27/02/2025 00:38

JLou08 · 26/02/2025 21:33

I could never ask for money for having my younger sibling or nephew stay with me. I've never heard of anyone else doing it either, I thought it was normal to treat the children in the extended family. It's always been that way with my family and none of us are high earners.

I would never ask, but I know my siblings would offer/send some cash over if we had their kids, just like I would when they had ours.

Original poster
Lilacbluewaters · 27/02/2025 00:35

Bedecked · 26/02/2025 23:05

The answers you’re getting are totally class-based, OP. My gran and aunty and mum always gave each other ‘housekeeping’ when staying - none of them had enough spare to feed extra people for more than a meal or two, and none of them were/are mean people, my friends were always welcome after school/to stay and eat, but more than one meal was a strain. Pooling housekeeping on visits, which were always a few days at least, meant there was cake, fresh fruit, nice cereal etc. it is normal to me to offer/accept cash with family and yours are cheeky fuckers not to offer genuinely what it costs to feed their kids, when they’re asking for the visits. Which would be nearer £50 than £10 a week, if you’re making sure they get treats. Make a fuss! Ask for what they actually cost. They’ll slag you off either way so fuck’em: do it for the kids. You sound really lovely and I bet they’ll stay in your life even if things get frosty with their parents.

Thanks, the kids all say it’s the best house in the family and I care for them all, them saying they want to stay with us for up to a week says it all r really and the parents encouraging it is just weird to me like it’s half term for them but they don’t want to see their kids?

OP posts:
ValentinesGranny · 27/02/2025 00:21

DB worked away and his DW had a difficult pregnancy. I kept their DD for weeks at a time. It never crossed my mind to ask for money. I carried on having her several times a year and would buy clothes, shoes, pay for days out, etc. She's an adult now and we have a great relationship.

FoxLoxInSox · 26/02/2025 23:59

If money’s an issue, why in gods name do you have 4 extra kids to stay with you at once? It’s crazy.

My take on things is if I’ve offered/agreed to host someone - that’s on me, including the cost this incurs. If I can’t afford to host, I don’t do it.

Fraaances · 26/02/2025 23:57

The other option is to point out to them what you are saving them on babysitting and food and let them know that money’s tight for you and your family. They have become accustomed to the “me time” you have provided them and won’t enjoy being told that it doesn’t work for you. I imagine if you let them know that you literally can’t afford to have DN stay at yours, let alone the rest of the herd, then they will cough up.